How Does Love Turn Into Hate/Dislike So Fast

Lady M

Registered User
Sep 15, 2018
292
Essex
I’m sorry I don’t have any answers to help you as I’m desperately struggling after an awful day but I feel so much for your situation and beg you not to hate yourself, we are not superhuman. I find it so hard sometimes to tell myself it’s the dementia causing my OHs behaviour, it’s so real and hurtful at the time that I’m so so sorry to say I can’t help actually hating him. We’ve been married 47 years, ups and downs but always lots of love and respect, kids, grandchildren etc. We’ve had a fairly good week, but even ensuring that happens is so tiring. This morning I encouraged him to do some gardening, he had mentioned he wanted to clip a bush, I had loads of admin to catch up on. I went into the garage to find him cutting and splicing an electric wire to get the already working perfectly, hedge cutter started (I think he just hadn’t turned the plug on), As gently as I could - but probably like a bull in a china shop - I suggested he stop and use another smaller one that was in full working order and that was it. He was totally ‘put out and angry with me for interfering, he knew what he was doing etc, and after ‘telling me off’ he blanked me for the next few hours - bliss!. Then he asked me to get a telescope back off our grandchildren that we had returned months ago and he has spent the last two weeks trying to put together. When I pointed out we had already it back he just sat staring at me with what I can only describe as hate in his eyes, when I asked why would he do that he said why not and that I would get over it - I don’t think I will. I could have handled it better I suppose but then I lost it, I had had enough but he stays calm then, doesn’t talk to me and will just stay like that until I give him his meal, meds etc and not apologise for his obnoxious behaviour because he won’t remember it. Today I can’t get my head round it and am sinking. I think he resents me being so called ok and is angry and frustrated at himself - everyone thinks of him as such a nice person and gentleman. If they could only see how he behaves with me bot then I don’t think I want them to. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year, I don’t know what type, but I think he has had it at least five years. Sorry, hope I haven’t hijacked your thread, I haven’t been on TP for ages and feel it was meant to be today when I saw the heading of your thread. Please take care of yourself, love S[/
Hi Manc 70
Oh yes, I know that look! A look of hate! I was thinking has my OH ever loved me!!! Why oh why!, what can I do, what have I done wrong, nobody understand etc etc etc!!!!!
Yes I understand, yes I beleive the PD hates what is/ or has happened to them!
My darling OH (yes he is still my darling husband........somewhere.......sometimes.....has also lost his mobility. Which in turn means his independence and most of his dignity.
His voice and those looks are his only independent things left! I know all this, but like you it hurts, it scars and it’s bl....dy awful.
I just don’t want to end up hating ‘him’......
I can empathise but have no answers, except to say I find solace in writing........verse, or my kind or verse...
It’s totally private, for my sanity only.......Hope you can find your safety value....
in the meantime sending thoughts and comfort to you !
Regards.
Lady M
 

Olliebeak

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
112
Buckinghamshire
This forum is such a support. Every time I turn to it I find someone who is voicing just what I am thinking.

I too feel so guilty that I rant and rave and cry and I know it’s not his fault! It’s so hard to love this virtual stranger - especially when I have spent 20mins looking for my super sharp sewing scissors to find they have been removed from my basket and used to cut sticky labels. It’s trivial I know, but it just takes something like that to tip you over the edge from reason to despair
 

Bluepanda

New member
Dec 27, 2017
3
Hi AliceA:

Thanks. It is difficult, it's like a parent losing a child in a shopping mall - they are lost but are still around . My husbands mind is lost somewhere but he is still in front of me. You are so right we grieve for them a thousand times and yet never getting. the closure of saying Good-Bye. It is hard, but harder still with the warm weather when people are out strolling together and you realize that that part of your life is gone. I guess I just have to find a different way. All's not lost yet.:)
 

MarHef48

Registered User
Jun 30, 2017
15
County Cork
This forum is such a support. Every time I turn to it I find someone who is voicing just what I am thinking.

I too feel so guilty that I rant and rave and cry and I know it’s not his fault! It’s so hard to love this virtual stranger - especially when I have spent 20mins looking for my super sharp sewing scissors to find they have been removed from my basket and used to cut sticky labels. It’s trivial I know, but it just takes something like that to tip you over the edge from reason to despair[/QUO

hi,
We have ALL been there and DONE THAT - my personal hate is to be told by 'A - Another' that my OH :-

"Can't help it as he has a disease"
"Wouldn't say this or that if he didn't have a disease"
"Isn't responsible because of the disease"
"Don't let it get to you, laugh it off"
"Don't take any notice, he doesn't mean it"
"Don't take him seriously, that is the reason you get upset"................

I could write a 20000 word dissertation on the darned 'helpful comments' I have heard over the years!

Why in the heck don't they come into my kitchen step into my shoes, stick around for a month and then we will have a repeat of the same subject.

It is very easy 'from the outside' to offer 'helpful comments' - but when you are tired - most of us are running the house entirely on our own, with the addition of the thankless task of constantly undoing the garbage that our OH have 'helpfully done' plus often struggling with our own increasing age, plus worrying about finances, the future, our own safety and well being - those comments come across as being rude, thoughtless and just downright flipping ignorant.

I often say that if the walls of my utility could talk - I would curl up with embarrassment - they regularly get a blasting as I walk - like a bull in a china shop - from yet another situation whereby I am shown up to be:-

the eejit of the century, the thief who has left him penniless, the moron who can't cook but best of all the stupid woman who can't even wring out the dishcloth (yep that's right, the dishcloth has to be washed - wrung out to within an inch of its life, dried and folded - after each and every use!
Ha, given that a session of cooking probably involves the use of the dishcloth on at least 20 occasions - I can never comply or get it right. Today after 5 years of listening to that type of garbage I have sworn to never ever use a dishcloth again - from now on to hell with ecology I am saving my sanity by using kitchen roll instead.

Let those 'life experts' who 'understand' how hard it is for us the carer's - who 'know how difficult it is for us' who have bucket loads of platitudes on how we should do our job - let them take over and I can guarantee each and every one of them would regularly 'lose the plot' - yell - storm off - or generally 'break all the rules /recommendations on how or how not to deal with those with this horrid disease.

So don't beat yourselves up if you can't / don't stick to the rules- there is no absolute answer or solution because everyone's journey is different. Yes, there are bound to be similarities, but no one can take dogs abuse day in and day out, week in and week out and stand there with a flipping smile pasted to their face 24/7.

Even when you think you have caught up with their behaviour - they change the game, rules, goalposts - so you are placed once again smack in the middle of being wrong, stupid, pathetic, idiotic or brainless.

At the end of the day, nobody is going to stick a medal on your chest for struggling over many years with rude and abusive behaviour.
There are no prizes.
You won't get a larger pension pay out.
You landed this thankless task because umpty tumpt years ago you promised to love in sickness and health.
My mother - after some time of looking after my father who had Alzheimer's summed it up once by saying "I often speculate how my husband would have looked after me if the tables had been turned"......Well I know what would happen to me, I would be wearing dirty clothes, be left on my own for 17 hours a day and have to survive on cheese sandwiches.

So start being kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can... If you lose the plot every so often - great - like a kettle you have let off necessary steam.

If you the carer become worn out mentally and physically then you both lose.

Take care.
Love to all of us carers who are trying to cope with the impossible.
MarHef 48
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I can't help, but you have soulmate. I feel so much the same. I hate myself too, but also can't not stop myself ranting. It's almost like a safety valve?
Hi big I:

We are so many of us in the same boat. we want to walk away, take care of ourselves but we feel to guilty to do so. I feel guilty enjoying myself when I know he is sitting at home with a PSW. I think it all started the day I received a brochure of day trips in the mail. I used to go with my friends but now it is not possible to take him with me so I can't go. It just makes me think of all the things I have given up for him but yet he treats me like a bag of dirt and I think I and we all deserve better than that. I am just so scared that all my future holds is emptiness & loneliness. I don't think we deserve that. Maybe I'm just selfish.
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
96
I don’t think any of you sound selfish at all. I am so grateful that the person I care for is my MIL so I can come home to the comfort of my husband. But the very fact that he is her son and that his grandmother also had dementia makes me fearful for my own future. I fear going from looking after a cranky old woman to looking after a much younger man who was once my lovely husband. Hugs to you all
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
If anyone says they have not "lost it" at some point, never buy a second-hand car from them as they are obviously born liars!
We all have bad days, just try and remember the good ones instead.
Hi Alex54:

I think I have spring fever, I just want to get out in the nice warmer weather but also so does he. I just have to try to remember I can get out but he can't and being the outdoors person he always was it must be killing him inside and I truly feel for him.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
sitting here with tears in my eyes just knowing I'm not alone I think my husband or 53 yrs is at the very beginning of something (Dementia ?) same question time after time accusing me of having taken things or I had it last were have you put it etc. etc. being nasty to me and particular when we have visitors .being fussy with his food nearly everything I cook it doesn't taste right it does make it hard to understand sometimes makes me think he knows what he's doing that makes it very hard .
Hichadrd:

My husband is so pleasant when his PSW's come, all giggles and laughs, how are you and glad to see you but what do I get NOTHING . Sorry I am wrong I get to prepare dinner, wash dishes and clothes, clean up after his accidents etc. etc. etc. I get all these things but these are not what I need.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Hello @dancer12, in the hope that you may get some support local to you, here are a couple of links to sites that may be of use. I hope that things improve for you.

This is a link to your province's society - https://alzheimer.ca/en/on although I'm not sure if they have a helpline.

And this page should help you find your local area society - https://alzheimer.ca/en/on/postal-code
Hi karaokePete:

I'm already involved with a support group, it helps a lot, Talking Point helps also. It's great to know there are others who feel the same. I think I have a lot of mild weather itis , it's been a wicked winter.:) Thanks.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
And it's the paranoia that I finest the hardest thing to deal with and it was the thing that alerted me that there was a problem in the first place. Usually, it is the disgusting behavior of his offspring that will trigger it when I get blamed for everything that happened but occasionally it will erupt for reasons that I can't fathom.

He was always the most positive person you could meet and when that all changed and the accusations started was when our relationship started to fall apart. When you have spent years caring and carrying all the responsibility for everything, the paranoia can be hard to accept. It seems to have become harder in the last few months, just a bit fed up with all that has been going on since Christmas.

But he will get over it and things will go back to normal - for a while anyway.
Hi Lawson58:
It's the empathy & lack of caring & emotion that tears me apart.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I think it is much harder if the dementia changes their personality.

My mum went through a nasty, paranoid phase while she was still trying (and failing) to live "independently", but after she moved into her care home her old personality returned. She had no memory, was often confused and needed help with everything, but she retained her personality and felt like my mum right up until she passed away.
My OH, however, is very well orientated in the here and now, can still shower and dress himself, can go out and not get lost, but his personality has changed so much that it is like living with a stranger - and an uncaring, cross and argumentative stranger, at that.
Hi canary:

It is like living with a stranger. My husband has FTD so the first thing to go is his caring, understanding and hearing. It's so hard coping at times.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I’m sorry I don’t have any answers to help you as I’m desperately struggling after an awful day but I feel so much for your situation and beg you not to hate yourself, we are not superhuman. I find it so hard sometimes to tell myself it’s the dementia causing my OHs behaviour, it’s so real and hurtful at the time that I’m so so sorry to say I can’t help actually hating him. We’ve been married 47 years, ups and downs but always lots of love and respect, kids, grandchildren etc. We’ve had a fairly good week, but even ensuring that happens is so tiring. This morning I encouraged him to do some gardening, he had mentioned he wanted to clip a bush, I had loads of admin to catch up on. I went into the garage to find him cutting and splicing an electric wire to get the already working perfectly, hedge cutter started (I think he just hadn’t turned the plug on), As gently as I could - but probably like a bull in a china shop - I suggested he stop and use another smaller one that was in full working order and that was it. He was totally ‘put out and angry with me for interfering, he knew what he was doing etc, and after ‘telling me off’ he blanked me for the next few hours - bliss!. Then he asked me to get a telescope back off our grandchildren that we had returned months ago and he has spent the last two weeks trying to put together. When I pointed out we had already it back he just sat staring at me with what I can only describe as hate in his eyes, when I asked why would he do that he said why not and that I would get over it - I don’t think I will. I could have handled it better I suppose but then I lost it, I had had enough but he stays calm then, doesn’t talk to me and will just stay like that until I give him his meal, meds etc and not apologise for his obnoxious behaviour because he won’t remember it. Today I can’t get my head round it and am sinking. I think he resents me being so called ok and is angry and frustrated at himself - everyone thinks of him as such a nice person and gentleman. If they could only see how he behaves with me bot then I don’t think I want them to. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year, I don’t know what type, but I think he has had it at least five years. Sorry, hope I haven’t hijacked your thread, I haven’t been on TP for ages and feel it was meant to be today when I saw the heading of your thread. Please take care of yourself, love S
Hi:
Manc70:

We are all here to help each other. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, maybe it's just to show us how strong we all are. I don't know I just want to get through day sometimes. The fact that you chose today to go onto TP and saw my thread says a lot in my believing that things happen for a reason. Thanks for your kind words,
Many Hugs & Take Care.
 

kestrel

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
7
North West England
I feel so deeply about your everyday situation and have experienced all of this with a parent rather than spouse. The only advice I can give is what you’ve already mentioned... take time out, take a break with the help of your local centre. Continue to post here amongst people who genuinely understand your reality.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
1,983
Victoria, Australia
Hi Lawson58:
It's the empathy & lack of caring & emotion that tears me apart.
My husband has a pretty good life in spite of everything. He plays bridge four times a week, has me to do everything else for him but has some considerable deficits in cognitive functioning and issues with long term memory. He is showing signs of confusion and increasing short term memory loss but still has quite a degree of independence.

But he finds it impossible to understand how his multiple health concerns have changed my life. Occasionally, he will say something about a holiday for me but that just confirms for me how little he understands about his own health condition. I am quite happy for him to go off to bridge as it gives me time on my own, not necessarily to actually do anything in particular but just to have some peace. I know that when the paranoia is bad that it reflects how he resents his inability to control anything which is why his venom gets directed at me.

He cannot see that my life revolves around getting him to his numerous medical appointments (next week he has five) and that all his appointments have to be fitted in around his bridge game. The fallout if he has to miss bridge is awful so not worth considering.

Dealing with the medical bits is easy. The emotional toll is something else.
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
660
Basingstoke, Hampshire
- especially when I have spent 20mins looking for my super sharp sewing scissors to find they have been removed from my basket and used to cut sticky labels.
I spend hours looking for things and never find them sometimes. I did find one item in the bin.
I think some things are being thrown away before I notice they are missing. Does this mean I'm going to have to search through the bin before it gets emptied every day? I don't relish that.
 

KatieR

Registered User
Mar 13, 2019
32
Oh yes - the guilt. My husband's in hospital at the moment where they're trying to get his medication "stablised". They're not doing a great job of it, but I feel so guilty when I'm not there with him. So I spend about 6 hours a day sitting beside him, feeding him (except he won't take anything from me), listening to his ranting or trying to calm him down. But I just have to be there...
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,300
South coast
My husband has a pretty good life in spite of everything. He plays bridge four times a week, has me to do everything else for him but has some considerable deficits in cognitive functioning and issues with long term memory. He is showing signs of confusion and increasing short term memory loss but still has quite a degree of independence.

But he finds it impossible to understand how his multiple health concerns have changed my life. Occasionally, he will say something about a holiday for me but that just confirms for me how little he understands about his own health condition. I am quite happy for him to go off to bridge as it gives me time on my own, not necessarily to actually do anything in particular but just to have some peace. I know that when the paranoia is bad that it reflects how he resents his inability to control anything which is why his venom gets directed at me.

He cannot see that my life revolves around getting him to his numerous medical appointments (next week he has five) and that all his appointments have to be fitted in around his bridge game. The fallout if he has to miss bridge is awful so not worth considering.

Dealing with the medical bits is easy. The emotional toll is something else.
Apart from the fact that OH doesnt play bridge I could have written every word

Multiple health problems - check
Considerable deficits in cognitive functioning - check
Long term memory loss which is beginning to impinge upon short term memory loss - check
Still a lot of independence - check
Completely unable to understand how this affects me and to see that everything revolves around him and his medical appointments - check
Sudden flare-up of venom when he does not understand his own limitations and thinks I am trying to control him - check

Dealing with the medical bits is easy. The emotional toil is something else - check, check and triple check.
 

SaraKate

Registered User
Dec 29, 2018
49
I hear you! I know this too. My husband is not so advanced along the road of confusion but still far enough to resent any attempt from me to help, or any suggestion that he should not do anything. He took the garden clippers and cut down to the bones the most beautiful rambling rose and a lilac bush - all the buds just ready to flower are on the ground. I know it's trivial - in the bigger picture - but it is an aspect of the overbearing side of him that has come out with this disease. I have just walked away from him complaining that I repeat things constantly - I did! In response to the same question. He remembers me 'nagging' but not him repeating the question. This is hard to love. (And now I am laughing as I am saying this - of course it is hard to love!). The very thing that is happening to him he is projecting on to me, and bullying me about it. I can understand what he is doing but still it is completely alienating. I dont love it, of course, I cant love it - it is hateful behaviour. But I know I have to make allowances for it. The question of drawing up boundary lines on behaviour with someone who oiesn't really have awareness is - I think - an impossible one. All I can do is walk away.
And I too have step children, his own children that he always loved and blamed me for any problems and now he openly prefers them to me - demonstrating it to them and to me. This is huge and painful. And now it is an aspect of his illness we can never resolve it. So yes - I feel a loss of love, as the person I loved occasionally disappears. And this new person - who has been arriving over the last few years - comes and is unloving, angry, and bullying.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
My husband has a pretty good life in spite of everything. He plays bridge four times a week, has me to do everything else for him but has some considerable deficits in cognitive functioning and issues with long term memory. He is showing signs of confusion and increasing short term memory loss but still has quite a degree of independence.

But he finds it impossible to understand how his multiple health concerns have changed my life. Occasionally, he will say something about a holiday for me but that just confirms for me how little he understands about his own health condition. I am quite happy for him to go off to bridge as it gives me time on my own, not necessarily to actually do anything in particular but just to have some peace. I know that when the paranoia is bad that it reflects how he resents his inability to control anything which is why his venom gets directed at me.

He cannot see that my life revolves around getting him to his numerous medical appointments (next week he has five) and that all his appointments have to be fitted in around his bridge game. The fallout if he has to miss bridge is awful so not worth considering.

Dealing with the medical bits is easy. The emotional toll is something else.
Hi Lawson58:

My husband has a maid - ME. I often times wonder what he would do without me. I just wish he would understand how much I really do for him. I know deep down he understands but it would be nice to be appreciated every once in awhile.:) Oh well it's a new day today and the sun is shining. Maybe a walk is in store.