Hi Manc 70I’m sorry I don’t have any answers to help you as I’m desperately struggling after an awful day but I feel so much for your situation and beg you not to hate yourself, we are not superhuman. I find it so hard sometimes to tell myself it’s the dementia causing my OHs behaviour, it’s so real and hurtful at the time that I’m so so sorry to say I can’t help actually hating him. We’ve been married 47 years, ups and downs but always lots of love and respect, kids, grandchildren etc. We’ve had a fairly good week, but even ensuring that happens is so tiring. This morning I encouraged him to do some gardening, he had mentioned he wanted to clip a bush, I had loads of admin to catch up on. I went into the garage to find him cutting and splicing an electric wire to get the already working perfectly, hedge cutter started (I think he just hadn’t turned the plug on), As gently as I could - but probably like a bull in a china shop - I suggested he stop and use another smaller one that was in full working order and that was it. He was totally ‘put out and angry with me for interfering, he knew what he was doing etc, and after ‘telling me off’ he blanked me for the next few hours - bliss!. Then he asked me to get a telescope back off our grandchildren that we had returned months ago and he has spent the last two weeks trying to put together. When I pointed out we had already it back he just sat staring at me with what I can only describe as hate in his eyes, when I asked why would he do that he said why not and that I would get over it - I don’t think I will. I could have handled it better I suppose but then I lost it, I had had enough but he stays calm then, doesn’t talk to me and will just stay like that until I give him his meal, meds etc and not apologise for his obnoxious behaviour because he won’t remember it. Today I can’t get my head round it and am sinking. I think he resents me being so called ok and is angry and frustrated at himself - everyone thinks of him as such a nice person and gentleman. If they could only see how he behaves with me bot then I don’t think I want them to. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year, I don’t know what type, but I think he has had it at least five years. Sorry, hope I haven’t hijacked your thread, I haven’t been on TP for ages and feel it was meant to be today when I saw the heading of your thread. Please take care of yourself, love S[/
Oh yes, I know that look! A look of hate! I was thinking has my OH ever loved me!!! Why oh why!, what can I do, what have I done wrong, nobody understand etc etc etc!!!!!
Yes I understand, yes I beleive the PD hates what is/ or has happened to them!
My darling OH (yes he is still my darling husband........somewhere.......sometimes.....has also lost his mobility. Which in turn means his independence and most of his dignity.
His voice and those looks are his only independent things left! I know all this, but like you it hurts, it scars and it’s bl....dy awful.
I just don’t want to end up hating ‘him’......
I can empathise but have no answers, except to say I find solace in writing........verse, or my kind or verse...
It’s totally private, for my sanity only.......Hope you can find your safety value....
in the meantime sending thoughts and comfort to you !