How Does Love Turn Into Hate/Dislike So Fast

lilypat

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
211
Yorkshire
I try to read the followIng when I get shouted at etc by my OH with FTD.....

Do not ask me to remember,

Don’t try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you’re with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I’m confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can’t help the way I’m acting,

Can’t be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don’t fail to stand beside me,

Love me ’til my life is done.

Beautiful words
 

lilypat

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
211
Yorkshire
Hi Sad Staffs:

Thanks so much for your kind words. It is so difficult. Sometimes I am just so tired. Sometimes I think, and I know it's cruel to say, but I think if I lost him in a car crash or something it would be easier (for both him and myself) than this disease taking a bit of him at a time. It's just so hard to watch. I know that if anybody understands it will be people on TP who have or are going through this disease with a loved one. TP is a GODSENT website.:)

Sending love & many cyber hugs. Take care.
@dancer12
I totally understand your post of saying about the car crash and it been easier for you both .when we got our diagnosis my OH kept saying well I am so glad it's not a brain tumour..i know what he means sort but they know what to do with them but this journey is so hard and complicated and of course he is not the 1 looking after him if you get my gist .with out TP i would be totally lost .hugs to you stay strong
Ps I hope this is understandable!
 

Jackimags

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
141
South yorkshire
Hi Jackimags:

Happy Anniversary. Hope it is special. It is so nice of your daughter to get your husband to write an anniversary card. You must me so proud of her. My youngest son once asked me if I was okay with my husband not getting me a birthday card, I guess he was going to write it for him. Like you I miss it all with my husband, the talking, the hugging, the decision making as a couple, etc. etc. etc. But mostly I miss my hero. That's what he's always been for me, my knight in shining armour, my hero. Don't worry yourself about the tears, they seem to come on a regular basis and for no rhyme or reason.

I have two sons, my older one is going to be 29 in July and is getting married in Florence Italy in August (I can't take my husband so I will have to find temporary placement for him), myself and my younger son will be going. My younger son will be 25 in December, he still lives at home and is a great help with some chores around the house and with his dad. I think he still lives at home in order to help me.

Sounds like many people enjoy reading your poem.

Many hugs sent to you. Hope your day is special.:)
Thank you for my hug! You must have mixed feelings about your sons wedding although I am sure it will be lovely. It is something you would want to do together but I can understand it’s not possible. I know my hubby keeps asking me when we are going on holiday and it’s impossible. He needs the security of home and it would be too stressful for both of us. Do you have any care in place? My hubby has 3 hrs care one morning and a full day out every Wednesday with a care company that picks him up in a lovely minibus and they often go out into Derbyshire and have a pub lunch getting home about 4.30. I can’t leave him on his own at all as he would try to find me. Have a lovely mother’s Day tomorrow x
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Thank you for my hug! You must have mixed feelings about your sons wedding although I am sure it will be lovely. It is something you would want to do together but I can understand it’s not possible. I know my hubby keeps asking me when we are going on holiday and it’s impossible. He needs the security of home and it would be too stressful for both of us. Do you have any care in place? My hubby has 3 hrs care one morning and a full day out every Wednesday with a care company that picks him up in a lovely minibus and they often go out into Derbyshire and have a pub lunch getting home about 4.30. I can’t leave him on his own at all as he would try to find me. Have a lovely mother’s Day tomorrow x
Hi Jackimags:

You are welcome for the hug, we all need to give each other as many hugs as possible. My sons wedding, yes I do have mixed feelings, my husband is very close to our older son and I know he will be very upset he can't go. My younger son has not done much travelling so it would be a great experience for him but he will not go without me. Taking my husband with me is out of the question. I do not know the language that well and he doesn't know it at all and understanding is very minimal. I'm looking for a place that will take him for a week and I'm sure it will not be easy. I have carers coming in 5 days a week for an hour each day and I also have 16 hours a month that I can call a service and they will stay with him while I go out. His doctor said he needs 24/7 supervision so I can't leave him alone. Currently I'm using 4 hours going to my support group nearby and it's helping a lot. There's about 20 people in the group, some that have already gone through the process and others that are middle stages and others like me who are just starting out on the journey. It is a great comfort & much can be learned from those that have gone through the process.

Thank you for the Mother's Day wishes, as I live in Canada our Mother's Day isn't until May (we are behind). But thank you in advance for good wishes. May you have lovely Mother's Day also.:):) Sending Many Hugs.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
@dancer12
I totally understand your post of saying about the car crash and it been easier for you both .when we got our diagnosis my OH kept saying well I am so glad it's not a brain tumour..i know what he means sort but they know what to do with them but this journey is so hard and complicated and of course he is not the 1 looking after him if you get my gist .with out TP i would be totally lost .hugs to you stay strong
Ps I hope this is understandable!
Hi lilypat:

Yes very understandable. Thanks so much for your kind words. TP is so wonderful. Take Care of Yourself, we all need to stick together.:) Many hugs coming your way
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,603
East of England
I have sent the poem you posted @Jackimags to my sister in laws to try and help them understand the seriousness of what is happening to their brother. I don’t know whether that was the right thing to do but those who do not live with the disease simply have no idea of the destructive consequences for not just the sufferer but also for the person who looks after them.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,603
East of England
but I think if I lost him in a car crash or something it would be easier (for both him and myself) than this disease taking a bit of him at a time.
I have these dark thoughts and no longer feel as much sympathy for people who have lost their husbands from heart attack or cancer but only think how lucky they are that their loved ones were spared this long dark journey. How bad is that? In our case I feel that his general health is good and it is going to be to the bitter end and I am not sure my health is going to stand up to it. If only he could have a sudden event to spare him but I fear not.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I have these dark thoughts and no longer feel as much sympathy for people who have lost their husbands from heart attack or cancer but only think how lucky they are that their loved ones were spared this long dark journey. How bad is that? In our case I feel that his general health is good and it is going to be to the bitter end and I am not sure my health is going to stand up to it. If only he could have a sudden event to spare him but I fear not.
Hi Grahamstown:

It's so sad. I never thought I would have felt this way. It's like taking a bandage off, If you take it off quickly it's a lot less painful than if you take it off a little bit at a time. He is always laughing & smiling & I just hope & pray that he doesn't know what is happening. I feel the same as you, it's wearing me down more than him. Maybe what someone told me at the very beginning is true "You CAN'T BE BOTH HIS CARETAKER & HIS LOVER, YOU CAN'T BE BOTH SO JUST PICK THE ONE YOU WANT TO BE & DEVOTE YOURSELF TO DOING THAT". As always I didn't listen and tried to do it all.:) Take care. Sending many cyber hugs.
 

Pils/Aline

New member
Mar 22, 2019
2
I too feel guilty because. My husband had to go into full time care, because
I have a serious heart condition and the medics would not let me have him
home after he went into respite care while I went into hospital. he doesn’t
seem to understand this and thinks it’s my fault that he is where he is. He
is not mobile plus he has heart failure. I spend several hours a day with him
sometimes he seems to be aware that I do a lot that I am not supposed to do like helping to change him (he is incontinent) He cannot stand or move
his feet. He thinks I should take him home or stay there with him.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,644
I am not sure that remark from someone is true, it may have been for some but not all. No, not the carefree passion of lovers of the past but love, loving assurance, loving praise, flirting, being in the moment with the other half of you can ease both ways. The actual hands on care is different one can find a almost a professional stance can help there too. I think some of us Carers have split personalities perhaps. Perhaps is about balance and it is easy to lose it.
 

lilypat

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
211
Yorkshire
I believe that you can be both a spouse and a carer ,but in a different way, than before I think we all cared for OHs before this journey same as we loved them .I mean how many times have we had to say look for things they cant find when they did a (a man look) ! I think the balance is what changes from say 90/ 10 to as I am now 60/40 .No way would I ever say I was not his wife first .maybe one day I will wake up and realise that I am wrong but for now I am going to believe in it.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I believe that you can be both a spouse and a carer ,but in a different way, than before I think we all cared for OHs before this journey same as we loved them .I mean how many times have we had to say look for things they cant find when they did a (a man look) ! I think the balance is what changes from say 90/ 10 to as I am now 60/40 .No way would I ever say I was not his wife first .maybe one day I will wake up and realise that I am wrong but for now I am going to believe in it.
Hi lilypat:

I know some people can do both but I can't. To me it's like some men can go into the delivery room when their wives give birth and some can't. The person who told me that was my sister., she's known me all my life, she knew what my mother went through with my dad. She knew I couldn't deal with it. I love my husband, I always will but in a different way and I have to believe what she meant was personally for me. I'm glad I was giving birth otherwise I wouldn't have been able to go into the delivery room.:) Take care.
 

Caro22

New member
Mar 6, 2019
5
I'm losing a little bit of my husband (the man I fell in love with and loved for over 30 years) everyday but the worse part is I'm losing a bit of myself everyday also. It's not my husband I hate because I know it's not his fault and he wouldn't want this for himself or for me, but it's myself that I hate - what I have turned into, a shouting, yelling and crying individual..I want to stop but I don't know how. I've preached to others, take breaks, take care of yourself, no guilt and you deserve a good life. So many have told me I've changed. But how do I change back now? What is the answer, is there one, will we ever know?
I know exactly how you feel although I am new to all this - It's the realisation that he is not going to get better only worse that is so hard to bear. I get flashes of his old self with his wonderful humour but then there is so much confusion in his life now and it is terrible to watch him change. Hang on in there and know that you are not alone in this journey - I'm so glad to have found this site.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I know exactly how you feel although I am new to all this - It's the realisation that he is not going to get better only worse that is so hard to bear. I get flashes of his old self with his wonderful humour but then there is so much confusion in his life now and it is terrible to watch him change. Hang on in there and know that you are not alone in this journey - I'm so glad to have found this site.
Hi Caro22:

Thanks so much for your kind words. Welcome to TP, glad you found this site. You will find much useful information on here. There are so many members whose loved are in various stages of the disease. There is always someone who have had the same experience or are familiar with it. We share experiences, ideas on methods of dealing with behaviours. We cry together, & laugh together but the most important thing is we are there for each other through the tough times, sad times and happy times. When you have had a tough day there is always someone there to pick you up. We all understand how tough it really is, you have to go through it to completely understand.:)

Keep posting & Take Care.
Sending You Many Cyber Hugs
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,644
Hi lilypat:

I know some people can do both but I can't. To me it's like some men can go into the delivery room when their wives give birth and some can't. The person who told me that was my sister., she's known me all my life, she knew what my mother went through with my dad. She knew I couldn't deal with it. I love my husband, I always will but in a different way and I have to believe what she meant was personally for me. I'm glad I was giving birth otherwise I wouldn't have been able to go into the delivery room.:) Take care.
:):):)
 

yorkie46

Registered User
Jan 28, 2014
264
Southampton
Just wanted to say I identify with so many comments that have been posted.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety since just before my husband's diagnosis last October. I think I was so exhausted and dragged down from the constant delays in getting reports for the diagnosis. Ended up trying antidepressants which completely knocked me out for a week to the point I had to tell the doctor I couldn't continue. My husband couldn't cope with me like that and I was virtually bed bound for a week. I now take nothing, still have bad days, don't sleep well but I have to battle on. Luckily he can be left and can do some things for himself so I'm going for a few days break next week. Daughter will keep an eye on him and I'll phone everyday. I know I won't be able to do.it for ever, so I make the most of it while I can.
Loved the poem, will l write it down for future use.
It is hard to learn what to say and when and not to argue or shout. Don't beat yourself up get help. Do you have an Admiral nurse?
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Just wanted to say I identify with so many comments that have been posted.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety since just before my husband's diagnosis last October. I think I was so exhausted and dragged down from the constant delays in getting reports for the diagnosis. Ended up trying antidepressants which completely knocked me out for a week to the point I had to tell the doctor I couldn't continue. My husband couldn't cope with me like that and I was virtually bed bound for a week. I now take nothing, still have bad days, don't sleep well but I have to battle on. Luckily he can be left and can do some things for himself so I'm going for a few days break next week. Daughter will keep an eye on him and I'll phone everyday. I know I won't be able to do.it for ever, so I make the most of it while I can.
Loved the poem, will l write it down for future use.
It is hard to learn what to say and when and not to argue or shout. Don't beat yourself up get help. Do you have an Admiral nurse?
Hi yorkie46:

Totally agree, there is so much common sense advice and so much experience here on TP.
I have finally come to terms with my husbands illness and I believe the constant twisting & turning of my insides made me angry, growing into a dislike of myself and who I had become. For the first time in my life I'm going to be totally selfish and put myself first, for a few days anyway.
Glad you are getting away for awhile. A few days of ME time is worth gold. Have a good time. Take care.:)
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
1,991
Victoria, Australia
Just wanted to say I identify with so many comments that have been posted.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety since just before my husband's diagnosis last October. I think I was so exhausted and dragged down from the constant delays in getting reports for the diagnosis. Ended up trying antidepressants which completely knocked me out for a week to the point I had to tell the doctor I couldn't continue. My husband couldn't cope with me like that and I was virtually bed bound for a week. I now take nothing, still have bad days, don't sleep well but I have to battle on. Luckily he can be left and can do some things for himself so I'm going for a few days break next week. Daughter will keep an eye on him and I'll phone everyday. I know I won't be able to do.it for ever, so I make the most of it while I can.
Loved the poem, will l write it down for future use.
It is hard to learn what to say and when and not to argue or shout. Don't beat yourself up get help. Do you have an Admiral nurse?
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. I just wanted to suggest that you go back to your GP and have another chat with him about your depression. It is most unusual for antidepressants to act as quickly like you think they did as they mostly take 3-4 weeks to kick in. It could be worth trying a different medication to see if they can help you. I have been taking a mild antidepressant for some time so there are some good ones around. It would be sad to see you continuing to suffer because if one bad experience.