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How Does Love Turn Into Hate/Dislike So Fast

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I'm losing a little bit of my husband (the man I fell in love with and loved for over 30 years) everyday but the worse part is I'm losing a bit of myself everyday also. It's not my husband I hate because I know it's not his fault and he wouldn't want this for himself or for me, but it's myself that I hate - what I have turned into, a shouting, yelling and crying individual..I want to stop but I don't know how. I've preached to others, take breaks, take care of yourself, no guilt and you deserve a good life. So many have told me I've changed. But how do I change back now? What is the answer, is there one, will we ever know?
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,636
East of England
but it's myself that I hate
This is one of the most difficult areas for those of us who care for a PWD, and I feel like this too when I have been driven to exasperation and despair by the behaviour of my helpless husband. We are not helped at all by professionals to learn ways to handle this, we just muddle along because caring for PWD is in its infancy compared to the support for other kinds of terminal illness. In many ways the way in which we look after sufferers is medieval, much like cancer care was decades ago, shut away, not discussed, stigmatised and as the numbers rise we are going to have to lobby for better support from our health care providers. I don’t think you can change back, but you can learn to be the person you have become and like that person because you have done your best to care for and understand your partner with poor resources. You and so many of us are actually heroic in what we try to do but we are only human and will break down from time to time under the strain. The trick is to get up and carry on. I can’t do it without the outlet of being able to express these feelings on the forums. If only there was the pastoral support from outside agencies that would be something. So please try to give yourself credit for what you have achieved and know that you can’t be perfect. Lots of hugs which we all crave but often no longer get from our nearest and dearest x
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,073
Victoria, Australia
I am so sorry for your obvious distress and I understand how awful these situations can become.

I struggled, really struggled for a long time and still have rough patches and many people on Talking Point will tell you the same thing.

I realized over time that when all this dreadful stuff is going on around us, when your partner's illness controls all the details of your life, that you wouldn't be normal if it didn't have a huge impact on your mental state. Then I came to the conclusion that I had to forgive myself for having those dreadful feelings and that I wasn't going to survive intact without help.

No matter what you do the word carer is inescapable and there are many who do it well and there are those like me who resent that my life has been stolen from me by this disease, that I can no longer make plans for my future, that I resent spending years looking after someone who is unable to appreciate that.

I sought help from my GP who knows me very well and who has been a wonderful support through OH's heart issues and other health matters. He started me on antidepressants and arranged for me to see a psychologist but three of those down the track and I have given up on them.

So I have 2 suggestions and they may not be any help but worth a try. The first is to get help from your GP and the second is to read a book that I found very helpful which is 'Lost Connections' by Johann Hari published by Bloomsbury Circus.

Stay in touch on TP and I hope that you can find some peace.
 

tryingmybest

Registered User
May 22, 2015
630
I've been the sole carer of my Mum who lives with me, for the past 4 years. It must be so much worse with a husbabd/wife or partner and I so feel for you. I truly lost it tonight and shouted at my Mum and I feel so guilty for doing so. It's not like me and I too, hate this side of me that has started coming through. This caring lark doesn't come with a manual, and we have to do the best we can and muddle through, but by doing so, we do definitely lose more and more of ourselves, as this disease completely envelopes the carer, as well as the PWD. It's the hardest job in the world and most people in our lives have never found themselves in our position, so cannot begin to comprehend our situation. Thank goodness, we have friends we have never seen on this forum, who do understand and from whom at least, we can take comfort in knowing they won't judge us and, that there is always someone caring in a far worse situation than us. It is that thought that helps me through somehow. Hugs and strength to you.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Thanks so much to all for all your kind words. Honestly it's something that I never saw coming, never even had a nightmare about. For the past five years it's just like I'm on a rollercoaster ride - of emotions having gone up & down & all around. I know now what my mother went threw (my dad had dementia as well)

Thanks again so much.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,073
Victoria, Australia
D
Thanks so much to all for all your kind words. Honestly it's something that I never saw coming, never even had a nightmare about. For the past five years it's just like I'm on a rollercoaster ride - of emotions having gone up & down & all around. I know now what my mother went threw (my dad had dementia as well)

Thanks again so much.
Don't forget to stay in touch and let us know how you are getting on. It's good for the soul to let it all out.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,699
The hardest job but the most important too. We can understand where the person we love is coming from when a stranger can not.
This is devastating in many ways, we grieve for a long time, a thousands deaths.
We do our best at the time, we can not stop painful things happening but we can stop the pain of our beating ourselves up.

Love to you all.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,630
South coast
I think it is much harder if the dementia changes their personality.

My mum went through a nasty, paranoid phase while she was still trying (and failing) to live "independently", but after she moved into her care home her old personality returned. She had no memory, was often confused and needed help with everything, but she retained her personality and felt like my mum right up until she passed away.
My OH, however, is very well orientated in the here and now, can still shower and dress himself, can go out and not get lost, but his personality has changed so much that it is like living with a stranger - and an uncaring, cross and argumentative stranger, at that.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,073
Victoria, Australia
I think it is much harder if the dementia changes their personality.

My mum went through a nasty, paranoid phase while she was still trying (and failing) to live "independently", but after she moved into her care home her old personality returned. She had no memory, was often confused and needed help with everything, but she retained her personality and felt like my mum right up until she passed away.
My OH, however, is very well orientated in the here and now, can still shower and dress himself, can go out and not get lost, but his personality has changed so much that it is like living with a stranger - and an uncaring, cross and argumentative stranger, at that.
And it's the paranoia that I finest the hardest thing to deal with and it was the thing that alerted me that there was a problem in the first place. Usually, it is the disgusting behavior of his offspring that will trigger it when I get blamed for everything that happened but occasionally it will erupt for reasons that I can't fathom.

He was always the most positive person you could meet and when that all changed and the accusations started was when our relationship started to fall apart. When you have spent years caring and carrying all the responsibility for everything, the paranoia can be hard to accept. It seems to have become harder in the last few months, just a bit fed up with all that has been going on since Christmas.

But he will get over it and things will go back to normal - for a while anyway.
 

big l

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
34
I'm losing a little bit of my husband (the man I fell in love with and loved for over 30 years) everyday but the worse part is I'm losing a bit of myself everyday also. It's not my husband I hate because I know it's not his fault and he wouldn't want this for himself or for me, but it's myself that I hate - what I have turned into, a shouting, yelling and crying individual..I want to stop but I don't know how. I've preached to others, take breaks, take care of yourself, no guilt and you deserve a good life. So many have told me I've changed. But how do I change back now? What is the answer, is there one, will we ever know?
I can't help, but you have soulmate. I feel so much the same. I hate myself too, but also can't not stop myself ranting. It's almost like a safety valve?
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I am with you all in spirit. This is the hardest job you will ever do.
Hi marionq:

Thanks for your kind thoughts, it is the hardest job, you never know what to expect or what's around the corner. It's the spring and mild weather that's got me down.:)
 

Alex54

Registered User
Oct 15, 2018
271
Newtown, Wales
If anyone says they have not "lost it" at some point, never buy a second-hand car from them as they are obviously born liars!
We all have bad days, just try and remember the good ones instead.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
The hardest job but the most important too. We can understand where the person we love is coming from when a stranger can not.
This is devastating in many ways, we grieve for a long time, a thousands deaths.
We do our best at the time, we can not stop painful things happening but we can stop the pain of our beating ourselves up.

Love to you all.
Hi AliceA:

Thanks. It is difficult, it's like a parent losing a child in a shopping mall - they are lost but are still around . My husbands mind is lost somewhere but he is still in front of me. You are so right we grieve for them a thousand times and yet never getting. the closure of saying Good-Bye. It is hard, but harder still with the warm weather when people are out strolling together and you realize that that part of your life is gone. I guess I just have to find a different way. All's not lost yet.:)
 

chadrd

New member
Sep 29, 2018
1
sitting here with tears in my eyes just knowing I'm not alone I think my husband or 53 yrs is at the very beginning of something (Dementia ?) same question time after time accusing me of having taken things or I had it last were have you put it etc. etc. being nasty to me and particular when we have visitors .being fussy with his food nearly everything I cook it doesn't taste right it does make it hard to understand sometimes makes me think he knows what he's doing that makes it very hard .
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,033
Scotland
sitting here with tears in my eyes just knowing I'm not alone I think my husband or 53 yrs is at the very beginning of something (Dementia ?) same question time after time accusing me of having taken things or I had it last were have you put it etc. etc. being nasty to me and particular when we have visitors .being fussy with his food nearly everything I cook it doesn't taste right it does make it hard to understand sometimes makes me think he knows what he's doing that makes it very hard .
I think that's where I would draw the line. There is much to make you unhappy as a carer but being bullied is over the line. Do not tolerate rudeness or aggression. If you can tell him you are going out of the room until he learns to talk with you civilly - and do it. Each and every time.
 

Manc70

Registered User
May 30, 2018
119
S. Yorkshire
I'm losing a little bit of my husband (the man I fell in love with and loved for over 30 years) everyday but the worse part is I'm losing a bit of myself everyday also. It's not my husband I hate because I know it's not his fault and he wouldn't want this for himself or for me, but it's myself that I hate - what I have turned into, a shouting, yelling and crying individual..I want to stop but I don't know how. I've preached to others, take breaks, take care of yourself, no guilt and you deserve a good life. So many have told me I've changed. But how do I change back now? What is the answer, is there one, will we ever know?
I’m sorry I don’t have any answers to help you as I’m desperately struggling after an awful day but I feel so much for your situation and beg you not to hate yourself, we are not superhuman. I find it so hard sometimes to tell myself it’s the dementia causing my OHs behaviour, it’s so real and hurtful at the time that I’m so so sorry to say I can’t help actually hating him. We’ve been married 47 years, ups and downs but always lots of love and respect, kids, grandchildren etc. We’ve had a fairly good week, but even ensuring that happens is so tiring. This morning I encouraged him to do some gardening, he had mentioned he wanted to clip a bush, I had loads of admin to catch up on. I went into the garage to find him cutting and splicing an electric wire to get the already working perfectly, hedge cutter started (I think he just hadn’t turned the plug on), As gently as I could - but probably like a bull in a china shop - I suggested he stop and use another smaller one that was in full working order and that was it. He was totally ‘put out and angry with me for interfering, he knew what he was doing etc, and after ‘telling me off’ he blanked me for the next few hours - bliss!. Then he asked me to get a telescope back off our grandchildren that we had returned months ago and he has spent the last two weeks trying to put together. When I pointed out we had already it back he just sat staring at me with what I can only describe as hate in his eyes, when I asked why would he do that he said why not and that I would get over it - I don’t think I will. I could have handled it better I suppose but then I lost it, I had had enough but he stays calm then, doesn’t talk to me and will just stay like that until I give him his meal, meds etc and not apologise for his obnoxious behaviour because he won’t remember it. Today I can’t get my head round it and am sinking. I think he resents me being so called ok and is angry and frustrated at himself - everyone thinks of him as such a nice person and gentleman. If they could only see how he behaves with me bot then I don’t think I want them to. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year, I don’t know what type, but I think he has had it at least five years. Sorry, hope I haven’t hijacked your thread, I haven’t been on TP for ages and feel it was meant to be today when I saw the heading of your thread. Please take care of yourself, love S