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How Does Love Turn Into Hate/Dislike So Fast

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
This forum is such a support. Every time I turn to it I find someone who is voicing just what I am thinking.

I too feel so guilty that I rant and rave and cry and I know it’s not his fault! It’s so hard to love this virtual stranger - especially when I have spent 20mins looking for my super sharp sewing scissors to find they have been removed from my basket and used to cut sticky labels. It’s trivial I know, but it just takes something like that to tip you over the edge from reason to despair
Hi Olliebeak:

My husband's go to answer for everything "I don't know, maybe he did it but not me" (he being an imaginary friend). I'm losing before I start, all these imaginary friends doing stuff - at least I don't have to feed them.:)
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,645
Perhaps the opposite to love is not hate but fear.
The people we love must be very fearful when there life does not make normal sense anymore however much they try. In trying they get it wrong and do not know why. Like children the blame to too much to bare so it is put onto those they trust most or some inanimate or imaginary cause.
We can be consumed too by fear, of losing our own health, of not being able to cope, of losing ourself, of our ability, of losing love. Fear impacts on our immunity too so we can form a vicious circle.

It is hard but we have to cultivate trust, compassion and love, not only for others but ourselves too.
An empty cup has nothing to give.

Me? I am worn out at the moment, struggling with passwords that when I get them to work on one device will not on the other! So I think I will show a bit of self love by watching old Cold Fee series on Netflix. A gift from a daughter. If I can stay awake! Bonus is my husband likes the series.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,397
South coast
I know deep down he understands but it would be nice to be appreciated every once in awhile.
He cant do it because he has dementia.
When our PWDs are at the stage when they still "look fine" we still get sucked in ourselves and the temptation is to treat them as if they really were fine. I have given up expecting things. As someone said to me - expectation is disappointment in the making.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Perhaps the opposite to love is not hate but fear.
The people we love must be very fearful when there life does not make normal sense anymore however much they try. In trying they get it wrong and do not know why. Like children the blame to too much to bare so it is put onto those they trust most or some inanimate or imaginary cause.
We can be consumed too by fear, of losing our own health, of not being able to cope, of losing ourself, of our ability, of losing love. Fear impacts on our immunity too so we can form a vicious circle.

It is hard but we have to cultivate trust, compassion and love, not only for others but ourselves too.
An empty cup has nothing to give.

Me? I am worn out at the moment, struggling with passwords that when I get them to work on one device will not on the other! So I think I will show a bit of self love by watching old Cold Fee series on Netflix. A gift from a daughter. If I can stay awake! Bonus is my husband likes the series.
Hi AliceA:

You are a smart lady indeed.

Thanks so much for kind words. Hope you figure out passwords.:)

Sending many cyber hugs.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
He cant do it because he has dementia.
When our PWDs are at the stage when they still "look fine" we still get sucked in ourselves and the temptation is to treat them as if they really were fine. I have given up expecting things. As someone said to me - expectation is disappointment in the making.
Hi Canary:

I have to laugh because your advice is so bang on, like so many others advice, opinions & stories. It all sounds so familiar. I guess I have to practice what I preach (having explained to others so many times). Maybe I should start listening more. :).

Thanks so much
Sending Many Cyber Hugs
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I hear you! I know this too. My husband is not so advanced along the road of confusion but still far enough to resent any attempt from me to help, or any suggestion that he should not do anything. He took the garden clippers and cut down to the bones the most beautiful rambling rose and a lilac bush - all the buds just ready to flower are on the ground. I know it's trivial - in the bigger picture - but it is an aspect of the overbearing side of him that has come out with this disease. I have just walked away from him complaining that I repeat things constantly - I did! In response to the same question. He remembers me 'nagging' but not him repeating the question. This is hard to love. (And now I am laughing as I am saying this - of course it is hard to love!). The very thing that is happening to him he is projecting on to me, and bullying me about it. I can understand what he is doing but still it is completely alienating. I dont love it, of course, I cant love it - it is hateful behaviour. But I know I have to make allowances for it. The question of drawing up boundary lines on behaviour with someone who oiesn't really have awareness is - I think - an impossible one. All I can do is walk away.
And I too have step children, his own children that he always loved and blamed me for any problems and now he openly prefers them to me - demonstrating it to them and to me. This is huge and painful. And now it is an aspect of his illness we can never resolve it. So yes - I feel a loss of love, as the person I loved occasionally disappears. And this new person - who has been arriving over the last few years - comes and is unloving, angry, and bullying.
Hi SaraKate

I am so sorry, it really sounds like you are having such a tough time. At times we just get so got up in our small problems that we don't realize others have them too. I am lucky in that my husband still has a sense of humour, he tends to laugh at everything, sometimes I wonder if he knows what he is laughing at. I would be scared to give my husband garden clippers, he might just cut his fingers off. I guess you always have to have a sense of humour. I wish I could walk away as easy as you do, if he cut my bushes I'd just end up yelling at him which does nobody any good I do feel for you about your step-children. All I can say is that he doesn't understand what he is saying. My husband says whatever pops into his mind and it doesn't matter who he hurts. I hope things turn around for you. Hopefully it's just a phase.

Thanks for caring to post, thanks for sharing and thanks for responding.

Sending Many Cyber Hugs Take Care.:)
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
1,994
Victoria, Australia
I hear you! I know this too. My husband is not so advanced along the road of confusion but still far enough to resent any attempt from me to help, or any suggestion that he should not do anything. He took the garden clippers and cut down to the bones the most beautiful rambling rose and a lilac bush - all the buds just ready to flower are on the ground. I know it's trivial - in the bigger picture - but it is an aspect of the overbearing side of him that has come out with this disease. I have just walked away from him complaining that I repeat things constantly - I did! In response to the same question. He remembers me 'nagging' but not him repeating the question. This is hard to love. (And now I am laughing as I am saying this - of course it is hard to love!). The very thing that is happening to him he is projecting on to me, and bullying me about it. I can understand what he is doing but still it is completely alienating. I dont love it, of course, I cant love it - it is hateful behaviour. But I know I have to make allowances for it. The question of drawing up boundary lines on behaviour with someone who oiesn't really have awareness is - I think - an impossible one. All I can do is walk away.
And I too have step children, his own children that he always loved and blamed me for any problems and now he openly prefers them to me - demonstrating it to them and to me. This is huge and painful. And now it is an aspect of his illness we can never resolve it. So yes - I feel a loss of love, as the person I loved occasionally disappears. And this new person - who has been arriving over the last few years - comes and is unloving, angry, and bullying.
Step children!!!!!

My husband desperately wants any sort of relationship with either of sons but that is not going to happen so my problems are a little different to yours. But I still get blamed for all the conflucts even though they live half a world away.

Currently neither of OH's sons is talking to their father or each other, won't go and see their mother if the other is going to be there. One isn't talking to his son-in-law and the other won't talk to his niece because she's owes his partner money and on it goes. One son I have never met in person, spoken three times with him on Skype
and honestly it's the greatest load of rubbish that you could imagine. My husband at least recognises for now that they are greedy, selfish losers. But it's still my fault.

So for the moment I can happily ignore them which you can't do. The only thing I can suggest is that if he is being nasty to you and about you, try and detach yourself from the conversation if possible. It is all part of the bullying but they are his children and I don't think it's an argument that you can win.

However, I am too pigheaded and feisty to tolerate bullying of any kind. I have been caring for him for all these years and he is slipping very slowly so he understands perfectly when he has gone too far. I suspect that he is probably easier to manage than most PWD and if you ask me again a a year's time, I might have to give you a different story!

It's never easy to always avoid confrontation but you need to pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff and step up when it really matters.
 

Maryland

Registered User
Mar 30, 2015
62
North East UK
Hi SaraKate

I am so sorry, it really sounds like you are having such a tough time. At times we just get so got up in our small problems that we don't realize others have them too. I am lucky in that my husband still has a sense of humour, he tends to laugh at everything, sometimes I wonder if he knows what he is laughing at. I would be scared to give my husband garden clippers, he might just cut his fingers off. I guess you always have to have a sense of humour. I wish I could walk away as easy as you do, if he cut my bushes I'd just end up yelling at him which does nobody any good I do feel for you about your step-children. All I can say is that he doesn't understand what he is saying. My husband says whatever pops into his mind and it doesn't matter who he hurts. I hope things turn around for you. Hopefully it's just a phase.

Thanks for caring to post, thanks for sharing and thanks for responding.

Sending Many Cyber Hugs Take Care.:)
Hi
Hi SaraKate

I am so sorry, it really sounds like you are having such a tough time. At times we just get so got up in our small problems that we don't realize others have them too. I am lucky in that my husband still has a sense of humour, he tends to laugh at everything, sometimes I wonder if he knows what he is laughing at. I would be scared to give my husband garden clippers, he might just cut his fingers off. I guess you always have to have a sense of humour. I wish I could walk away as easy as you do, if he cut my bushes I'd just end up yelling at him which does nobody any good I do feel for you about your step-children. All I can say is that he doesn't understand what he is saying. My husband says whatever pops into his mind and it doesn't matter who he hurts. I hope things turn around for you. Hopefully it's just a phase.

Thanks for caring to post, thanks for sharing and thanks for responding.

Sending Many Cyber Hugs Take Care.:)
hi Sara Kate - I am laughing about the secators not the bush. My OH like yours was obsessed with his clippers. I now gave them hidden since none of our bushes were allowed to grow bigge than six inches. I confiscated them now about two years ago as I was trying to shape a bush and he kept trimming it. I had forgotten about that but funny enough the gardener asked me last week had I found the trimmers again !!! He doesn’t like anyone in gardeners etc but he can’t do the jobs!! I am not allowed to talk to the gardner as he charges by the hour and if I talk to him that costs !!

You all bucked me up today as I have had a couple of bad days and had a good shout and a rant and felt guilty!!! But then I realise we are all feeling the same and it does you good to let off steam. My OH latest is to go round shutting all the doors when I let off steam as he says the neighbors will hear. The biggest laugh is we live in a detached bungalow with the houses on either side being empty at the minute !!! I may scare the rabbits though. Feel a bit better now thanks everyone!! The start of another day and we see what that brings x
 

lilypat

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
211
Yorkshire
My OH looks ok walks ok and thankfully talks ok at the moment but it's like living with a child again .I spend all day repeating my self .and repeating my self .I love him so much but the man I married is slowly becoming a child . Who is forgetting things he has learned I tell him daily I love him .and dread the day I may possibly hate him ...No that's wrong not hate him but hate the dreadful thing that's robbing me of him .love and hate just two words but such a divide between them.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Morning/Afternoon/Evening:

Thanks all for caring & sharing. It's a difficult disease and we need at times to have a good belly laugh to keep ourselves sane. We are all in this together.:)

Take Care & May God Bless You All With The Patience & Humour We Need To Make It Through Another Day.:):)
 

yorkie46

Registered User
Jan 28, 2014
264
Southampton
Haven't been in TO for some time but reading this thread has really resonated with me. I'm wracked with guilt most of the time. My husband has FTD, diagnosed last October after a four year battle to get the medical profession to realise I wasn't making it up. I've been told all the same things, look after yoirself, get out and do things, see friends, have regular breaks. I do all these things but it doesn't help. I hate that I go out every day and leave him during in front of the TV. Luckily he's safe to leave still and he can get himself a drink and something to eat if necessary but I try to be here at lunchtime. I do go away for short breaks though that is becoming more difficult because he's becoming less able physically and cognitively. When I'm away I worry all the time and phone him every day. But I will care for him as long as I can. After 50 years what else would I do. I grieve for the husband I had and the things we did together and it's difficult to move on. There is no help out there until he can't do things for himself or I can't manage any more so I will carry on caring. Just like everyone who's posted on here.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,611
East of England
I've been told all the same things, look after yoirself, get out and do things, see friends, have regular breaks. I do all these things but it doesn't help.
No it doesn’t help, I do as much as I can too and I absolutely agree and there is simply nothing we can do about it. The best thing would be a mental health nurse to assist in the home but only the wealthy like Ronald Reagan can afford that. Nobody can understand the sheer stupidity and relentlessness of this disease which ever variety it is, unless they experience it day in day out. I could have written your words and I am in a very similar situation with my dearly loved husband gradually turning into a child like zombie, his brain gradually being taken away. Only knowing that I am not alone keeps me going.
 

carolynp

Registered User
Mar 4, 2018
569
I hear you! I know this too. My husband is not so advanced along the road of confusion but still far enough to resent any attempt from me to help, or any suggestion that he should not do anything. He took the garden clippers and cut down to the bones the most beautiful rambling rose and a lilac bush - all the buds just ready to flower are on the ground. I know it's trivial - in the bigger picture - but it is an aspect of the overbearing side of him that has come out with this disease. I have just walked away from him complaining that I repeat things constantly - I did! In response to the same question. He remembers me 'nagging' but not him repeating the question. This is hard to love. (And now I am laughing as I am saying this - of course it is hard to love!). The very thing that is happening to him he is projecting on to me, and bullying me about it. I can understand what he is doing but still it is completely alienating. I dont love it, of course, I cant love it - it is hateful behaviour. But I know I have to make allowances for it. The question of drawing up boundary lines on behaviour with someone who oiesn't really have awareness is - I think - an impossible one. All I can do is walk away.
And I too have step children, his own children that he always loved and blamed me for any problems and now he openly prefers them to me - demonstrating it to them and to me. This is huge and painful. And now it is an aspect of his illness we can never resolve it. So yes - I feel a loss of love, as the person I loved occasionally disappears. And this new person - who has been arriving over the last few years - comes and is unloving, angry, and bullying.
I’ve been catching up with TP via this thread. The rose pruning has been such a drama at our house too. We have a McCartney rose of thirty years which is wild and woolly. Now I have a gardener every three months and he was just taming it. Wonderful flowering in October for a full month and not too lethal the rest of the year. My OH with FTD pruned it back to the ground. All that work and money wasted. Now it is uncontrollable again, barely flowers, and every time I look at it in ruins I think of the impossibility of this caring life.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I’ve been catching up with TP via this thread. The rose pruning has been such a drama at our house too. We have a McCartney rose of thirty years which is wild and woolly. Now I have a gardener every three months and he was just taming it. Wonderful flowering in October for a full month and not too lethal the rest of the year. My OH with FTD pruned it back to the ground. All that work and money wasted. Now it is uncontrollable again, barely flowers, and every time I look at it in ruins I think of the impossibility of this caring life.
Hi carolynp:

Amusing yet so sad. My husband tries so hard and when I get upset he says he doesn't do anything right anymore to make me happy. It's heartbreaking.

Thanks for sharing.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Haven't been in TO for some time but reading this thread has really resonated with me. I'm wracked with guilt most of the time. My husband has FTD, diagnosed last October after a four year battle to get the medical profession to realise I wasn't making it up. I've been told all the same things, look after yoirself, get out and do things, see friends, have regular breaks. I do all these things but it doesn't help. I hate that I go out every day and leave him during in front of the TV. Luckily he's safe to leave still and he can get himself a drink and something to eat if necessary but I try to be here at lunchtime. I do go away for short breaks though that is becoming more difficult because he's becoming less able physically and cognitively. When I'm away I worry all the time and phone him every day. But I will care for him as long as I can. After 50 years what else would I do. I grieve for the husband I had and the things we did together and it's difficult to move on. There is no help out there until he can't do things for himself or I can't manage any more so I will carry on caring. Just like everyone who's posted on here.
Hi yorkie46:

Sounds the same as my husband, only difference is he is totally dependent on me. He can't cook, can't find the fridge 3/4 of the time, can't turn on the tv or change channels and the list goes on & on. He always took care of himself, jogged, exercised ate the right foods and I ask myself what went wrong. His doctor says he needs 24/7 supervision. I try to go out to but I feel so guilty leaving him alone with a PSW. He was always outdoors & enjoyed going different places. It's difficult. I want to keep him home as long as I can also. Our home has different levels with 4-5 stairs going up to each level. I dread when he can't walk anymore because there is no way I can carry him up stairs. I'm getting older myself and find it difficult sometimes. That's when I am going to have to think about nursing homes and I dread the idea. He was diagnosed with FTD over 5 years ago and at times if he didn't have language/speech/hearing/understanding difficulties nobody would suspect there is anything wrong. It's such a frustrating and senseless disease. But we all have to plow ahead one day at a time. All the Best, Take Care & Sending Many Cyber Hugs.:)
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,645
So many of us are in similar positions and aging too. We two share 170years. Quite unbelievable to me. Inside one still feels the same.
Sometimes I feel I should be in a care home! Physically it does become harder, I do not have the strength.
But Life is what it is, so yes, one day at a time.
Love and hugs back xxx
 

carolynp

Registered User
Mar 4, 2018
569
Hi carolynp:

Amusing yet so sad. My husband tries so hard and when I get upset he says he doesn't do anything right anymore to make me happy. It's heartbreaking.

Thanks for sharing.
Hello @dancer12, so lovely to hear from you! Yes it’s awful for them, and awful for us too. I’m not feeling very positive right now! But I loved your message.
 

SaraKate

Registered User
Dec 29, 2018
49
Hi everyone, its so lovely to write something and have you warm and understanding responses. I was so touched that other people have seen their darling plants wrecked by uncontrolled pruning, I dont know why, but of all the things that have gone wrong recently, that seems oddly the worst. We planted the roses ten years ago and every year they have been wilder and lovelier and now it is a few sticks. I suppose it is poignant because its what the marriage is coming down to - the bones when all the beauty and frivolity and silliness and prettiness is cut off. It's terribly hard to understand what to do in this new world, I'm not strong on boundaries like you are - Lawson 58 - I feel like I don't know where I should draw a line, because he does not understand that he is bullying me. I would not tolerate violence but I spend a lot of time soothing him and retracting things that I have said, and keeping quiet. Then he says that since I contradict him all the time he'd rather not speak - and I think we are in two completely different worlds here, one where the roses are well pruned and the wife is insanely argumentative and the other where the roses are ruined for this summer and terrible things are said and forgotten at once.
 

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
754
Kent
Hi canary:

It is like living with a stranger. My husband has FTD so the first thing to go is his caring, understanding and hearing. It's so hard coping at times.
Hi Dancer12

My wife also has FTD and her self awareness and speech were affected very early on (diagnosed in Jan 2014). Compared to you and many others though, she went through the anxious stage quite quickly. Whether it's part of her mental regression I don't know, but having been very much a worrier all of our married life, including bad post-natal depression, clinical depression etc, the dementia seems to have taken her back to a happy little world. It is a perverse sort of beneficial side effect but I still struggle with all the other affects of this awful disease.

Yes, she is happy and blissfully unaware but it leaves me in something of a world of isolation. Don't get me wrong, I have managed to built us something of a social life, centred around a lovely local pub, where I've made some dear friends who support both of us. My 2 sons live locally with their families so I am not exactly alone. But I miss the lovely woman I married - I can't hold conversations with her, get her opinion, share news (good or bad). I can still give her a hug but all she does is laugh (perhaps there's still something in there trying to tell me something?o_O).

My confidante, soulmate, lover, friend has gradually disappeared and it breaks my heart.:(Who knew that men could multitask - I certainly didn't!

Keep your chin up and keep taking the medicine - I find large glasses of red wine most effective.

Phil
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Hi Dancer12

My wife also has FTD and her self awareness and speech were affected very early on (diagnosed in Jan 2014). Compared to you and many others though, she went through the anxious stage quite quickly. Whether it's part of her mental regression I don't know, but having been very much a worrier all of our married life, including bad post-natal depression, clinical depression etc, the dementia seems to have taken her back to a happy little world. It is a perverse sort of beneficial side effect but I still struggle with all the other affects of this awful disease.

Yes, she is happy and blissfully unaware but it leaves me in something of a world of isolation. Don't get me wrong, I have managed to built us something of a social life, centred around a lovely local pub, where I've made some dear friends who support both of us. My 2 sons live locally with their families so I am not exactly alone. But I miss the lovely woman I married - I can't hold conversations with her, get her opinion, share news (good or bad). I can still give her a hug but all she does is laugh (perhaps there's still something in there trying to tell me something?o_O).

My confidante, soulmate, lover, friend has gradually disappeared and it breaks my heart.:(Who knew that men could multitask - I certainly didn't!

Keep your chin up and keep taking the medicine - I find large glasses of red wine most effective.

Phil
Hi Philbo:

I prefer the white myself. It's craziness, insanity, loneliness and tears all wrapped up into one. But I'm sure it has it's good moments as well (which are becoming fewer & fewer). I keep telling myself I must have done something pretty awful to deserve this. I can't imagine how they must feel. It must be so scary for them and yet they have to somehow try to keep it all
together. Where is the fairness?:).