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How Does Love Turn Into Hate/Dislike So Fast

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,164
Victoria, Australia
Hi everyone, its so lovely to write something and have you warm and understanding responses. I was so touched that other people have seen their darling plants wrecked by uncontrolled pruning, I dont know why, but of all the things that have gone wrong recently, that seems oddly the worst. We planted the roses ten years ago and every year they have been wilder and lovelier and now it is a few sticks. I suppose it is poignant because its what the marriage is coming down to - the bones when all the beauty and frivolity and silliness and prettiness is cut off. It's terribly hard to understand what to do in this new world, I'm not strong on boundaries like you are - Lawson 58 - I feel like I don't know where I should draw a line, because he does not understand that he is bullying me. I would not tolerate violence but I spend a lot of time soothing him and retracting things that I have said, and keeping quiet. Then he says that since I contradict him all the time he'd rather not speak - and I think we are in two completely different worlds here, one where the roses are well pruned and the wife is insanely argumentative and the other where the roses are ruined for this summer and terrible things are said and forgotten at once.
I had many years as a teacher of primary school age children and it has been of great assistance in managing my husband. - most of the time but we have our bad days too. I sometimes think that people with dementia often develop childlike behaviour and I use all my know how gained from my time as a teacher, a parent and a grandparent, and as a nanny to families in my years in UK. I had a lot of teaching experience in the toughest school in our city and it was essential to set boundaries for those kids.

So now I set boundaries for my husband and am fortunate that he still is functioning well enough to to understand that. The thing that helps most with my husband is my tone of voice. He responds much better if I can keep my requests/instructions at a level of normal conversation. As soon as I show annoyance, frustration or stress, he tunes in immediately and then proceeds to find ways to push my buttons! Just the same as kids do.

But I consider that my training and experience have been my greatest asset in the years since my husband was diagnosed. No one comes prepared to cope with this role and there are no manuals or DIY books, and none of the fact sheets are a perfect fit for all the people who have dementia in all shapes and forms.

But I do what I do so I can survive and of course it makes things better for him, even if he cannot see that.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I had many years as a teacher of primary school age children and it has been of great assistance in managing my husband. - most of the time but we have our bad days too. I sometimes think that people with dementia often develop childlike behaviour and I use all my know how gained from my time as a teacher, a parent and a grandparent, and as a nanny to families in my years in UK. I had a lot of teaching experience in the toughest school in our city and it was essential to set boundaries for those kids.

So now I set boundaries for my husband and am fortunate that he still is functioning well enough to to understand that. The thing that helps most with my husband is my tone of voice. He responds much better if I can keep my requests/instructions at a level of normal conversation. As soon as I show annoyance, frustration or stress, he tunes in immediately and then proceeds to find ways to push my buttons! Just the same as kids do.

But I consider that my training and experience have been my greatest asset in the years since my husband was diagnosed. No one comes prepared to cope with this role and there are no manuals or DIY books, and none of the fact sheets are a perfect fit for all the people who have dementia in all shapes and forms.

But I do what I do so I can survive and of course it makes things better for him, even if he cannot see that.
Hi Lawson58:

You are so right they do respond to quieter voices and only one command at a time. All of his carers speak to him in what is called an indoor voice (no screaming). Unfortunately I was not blessed with one of those voices every time I have to repeat something I guess I think loudness will make people hear when it doesn't it only gets them more agitated and then I
become more agitated and so the circle the circle of madness begins. Sad to say but I guess I need to put a tape over my mouth every time I relate to
him.:) Bonus Idea: I May Need To Carry Around A Chalkboard With Me.:)

Sending Many Quiet Cyber Hugs
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,164
Victoria, Australia
Hi Lawson58:

You are so right they do respond to quieter voices and only one command at a time. All of his carers speak to him in what is called an indoor voice (no screaming). Unfortunately I was not blessed with one of those voices every time I have to repeat something I guess I think loudness will make people hear when it doesn't it only gets them more agitated and then I
become more agitated and so the circle the circle of madness begins. Sad to say but I guess I need to put a tape over my mouth every time I relate to
him.:) Bonus Idea: I May Need To Carry Around A Chalkboard With Me.:)

Sending Many Quiet Cyber Hugs
 

angelhugs

Registered User
Jan 12, 2019
44
My OH looks ok walks ok and thankfully talks ok at the moment but it's like living with a child again .I spend all day repeating my self .and repeating my self .I love him so much but the man I married is slowly becoming a child . Who is forgetting things he has learned I tell him daily I love him .and dread the day I may possibly hate him ...No that's wrong not hate him but hate the dreadful thing that's robbing me of him .love and hate just two words but such a divide between them.
I know exactly how you feel. I love my husband so much but I constantly feel hurt because he is so cold and can be so nasty and hateful to me. He looks ok, walks ok and talks ok just like your husband. He still drives and goes to work which is a joke ‍♀ It’s like a child going to school. I have to give him notes and write in his diary. He hasn’t been diagnosed yet as he told the Neurologist he runs his own business ‍♀ with no problems.
I looked into the books and found the business has been running at a loss for the last year. He still won’t admit there is anything wrong. It all makes me so sad and his memory is getting worse. Watching tv is a joke I am fed up explaining who people are over and over again. Time is precious and he should be on treatment but while he is in denial he will never get a diagnosis until it is too late. I too feel like I’m living with a teenager.
 

Jackimags

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
142
South yorkshire
I try to read the followIng when I get shouted at etc by my OH with FTD.....

Do not ask me to remember,

Don’t try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you’re with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I’m confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can’t help the way I’m acting,

Can’t be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don’t fail to stand beside me,

Love me ’til my life is done.
 

Super sonic

New member
Nov 18, 2018
1
Hi my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year he seems to find something to annoy him each day and I’m finding it very difficult to hold my tongue, I’ve never been one not to say what I think but now I seem to lose my temper very quickly. He thinks I’m being unreasonable and it’s getting to the point where I cannot control what comes out of my mouth. The problem is that I’ve always had a fuse that once it’s blown it takes me ages to calm down a fault of mine I know but how the devil to I learn to shut up and not answer back when I don’t know if it’s him or the Alzheimer’s doing the moaning. I feel so lost and useless I’ve no one to share these feelings with. Sorry to sound so pathetic usually I’m a really strong person perhaps it’s me that needs professional help to control my temper. Any advice would be welcome thanks for listening
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
I try to read the followIng when I get shouted at etc by my OH with FTD.....

Do not ask me to remember,

Don’t try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you’re with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I’m confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can’t help the way I’m acting,

Can’t be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don’t fail to stand beside me,

Love me ’til my life is done.
Hi Jackimags:

Oh my God that is so beautiful. I'm just sitting here in front of my laptop reading it and creating a river of tears on the floor. Every time I close my eyes I see my husband as the man he was, strong, patient and understanding. All his adult life he's been a manufacturing supervisor, at one time supervising over 60 people. He worked for companies like Ford & Bombardier. He is almost 6 feet tall and as he stands before me I see a man and not a child. I would if I could but I can't see him other than my husband, my loving husband. I keep thinking this is just a cruel joke, a horrible nightmare but I'm never waking up and there is nobody there to wake me up. I'm all alone & I'm terrified. Terrified of doing the wrong thing, of making the wrong decision, of stepping out of line. He was always there for me, correcting my wrongs, making everything right. But now when I need him most he can't be.

Thanks for the beautiful poem. I'll keep reading it over & over. Hopefully one day the words will sink into my mind (if I still have one) and all this will make some kind of sense to me.:):)

Take care & Many Cyber Hugs To You.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,164
Victoria, Australia
Hi my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year he seems to find something to annoy him each day and I’m finding it very difficult to hold my tongue, I’ve never been one not to say what I think but now I seem to lose my temper very quickly. He thinks I’m being unreasonable and it’s getting to the point where I cannot control what comes out of my mouth. The problem is that I’ve always had a fuse that once it’s blown it takes me ages to calm down a fault of mine I know but how the devil to I learn to shut up and not answer back when I don’t know if it’s him or the Alzheimer’s doing the moaning. I feel so lost and useless I’ve no one to share these feelings with. Sorry to sound so pathetic usually I’m a really strong person perhaps it’s me that needs professional help to control my temper. Any advice would be welcome thanks for listening
Caring for someone with any of the dementias is one of the toughest jobs you'll ever do and no matter how much you read, Google, check, you are never going to find all the answers. This is very much a learning on the job situation and the most important thing you can learn is to forgive yourself when you trip up. No one is perfect and there is not person on Talking Point who hasn't made a few stuff ups along the way.

I understand how frustrating and annoying a person with dementia can be and when you feel unappreciated, it makes it all feel even worse. Some time after my husband's diagnosis, I suffered with depression and some of what you say have me wondering if you are not feeling a bit the same or perhaps some anxiety. Many carers feel pretty sad, irritable and depressed at times and somehow we have to learn how to survive those awful feelings.

I have to say that my GP has been wonderfully supportive through all the years of my husband's illnesses and I think you need a bit of a helping hand too. Have you thought of talking to your GP?

I hope someone else can offer you something more but please don't bottle it up. Talking Point is the place to let off steam so let us know how you are getting on.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,712
80
East of England
The problem is that I’ve always had a fuse that once it’s blown it takes me ages to calm down
This is me and I have had a difficult time keeping my temper over the past year and a half as he has deteriorated, also with Alzheimer’s. This last week or two as the conversation, such as it is, gets completely stupid, I have developed an answer: I am not joining in this discussion. As the same questions come in thick and fast I just say, I can’t answer that or I really can’t say or I really can’t have this conversation. It sounds really silly and was difficult to keep saying at times, but it works for me and I haven’t lost my temper for a while. Yes it’s ghastly seeing strong able men reduced to this.
 

Jackimags

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
142
South yorkshire
Hi Jackimags:

Oh my God that is so beautiful. I'm just sitting here in front of my laptop reading it and creating a river of tears on the floor. Every time I close my eyes I see my husband as the man he was, strong, patient and understanding. All his adult life he's been a manufacturing supervisor, at one time supervising over 60 people. He worked for companies like Ford & Bombardier. He is almost 6 feet tall and as he stands before me I see a man and not a child. I would if I could but I can't see him other than my husband, my loving husband. I keep thinking this is just a cruel joke, a horrible nightmare but I'm never waking up and there is nobody there to wake me up. I'm all alone & I'm terrified. Terrified of doing the wrong thing, of making the wrong decision, of stepping out of line. He was always there for me, correcting my wrongs, making everything right. But now when I need him most he can't be.

Thanks for the beautiful poem. I'll keep reading it over & over. Hopefully one day the words will sink into my mind (if I still have one) and all this will make some kind of sense to me.:):)

Take care & Many Cyber Hugs To You.
Ime sorry it made you cry but sometimes that’s not a bad thing. Like you my “rock” has disappeared and I am left making all the decisions which is hard. I miss conversation more than anything but he still tells me he loves me every day. It’s our 49th anniversary today!! I heard my daughter in the kitchen getting him to write in a card. Do you have family. Big hug from me x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,425
South coast
Caring for someone with any of the dementias is one of the toughest jobs you'll ever do and no matter how much you read, Google, check, you are never going to find all the answers. This is very much a learning on the job situation and the most important thing you can learn is to forgive yourself when you trip up. No one is perfect and there is not person on Talking Point who hasn't made a few stuff ups along the way.

I understand how frustrating and annoying a person with dementia can be and when you feel unappreciated, it makes it all feel even worse. Some time after my husband's diagnosis, I suffered with depression and some of what you say have me wondering if you are not feeling a bit the same or perhaps some anxiety. Many carers feel pretty sad, irritable and depressed at times and somehow we have to learn how to survive those awful feelings.

I have to say that my GP has been wonderfully supportive through all the years of my husband's illnesses and I think you need a bit of a helping hand too. Have you thought of talking to your GP?

I hope someone else can offer you something more but please don't bottle it up. Talking Point is the place to let off steam so let us know how you are getting on.
I agree 100% with every single word of this - especially the bit about learning to forgive yourself.
Dealing with dementia is such a lonely job and there is no one around to validate the difficult decisions that we have to make. In fact, the person who would previously have supported us is the very person about whom we have to make these decisions. Learn to trust yourself - all you do is coming from a place of deep love for the man your husband was and if you make a mistake (Lawson is right - we all do) dont beat yourself up too much.

I too wondered whether you were becoming depressed and thought maybe trip to your GP (PCP) might be in order.
 

KatieR

Registered User
Mar 13, 2019
32
I try to read the followIng when I get shouted at etc by my OH with FTD.....

Do not ask me to remember,

Don’t try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you’re with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I’m confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can’t help the way I’m acting,

Can’t be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don’t fail to stand beside me,

Love me ’til my life is done.
I love this poem. Thank you.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,858
I try to read the followIng when I get shouted at etc by my OH with FTD.....

Do not ask me to remember,

Don’t try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you’re with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I’m confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can’t help the way I’m acting,

Can’t be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don’t fail to stand beside me,

Love me ’til my life is done.
These are lovely words, perhaps reading daily could smooth the way.
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,432
I try to read the followIng when I get shouted at etc by my OH with FTD.....

Do not ask me to remember,

Don’t try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you’re with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I’m confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can’t help the way I’m acting,

Can’t be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don’t fail to stand beside me,

Love me ’til my life is done.
Lovely poem .I haven't seen this one before. Did you write it yourself?
Susan
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Ime sorry it made you cry but sometimes that’s not a bad thing. Like you my “rock” has disappeared and I am left making all the decisions which is hard. I miss conversation more than anything but he still tells me he loves me every day. It’s our 49th anniversary today!! I heard my daughter in the kitchen getting him to write in a card. Do you have family. Big hug from me x
Hi Jackimags:

Happy Anniversary. Hope it is special. It is so nice of your daughter to get your husband to write an anniversary card. You must me so proud of her. My youngest son once asked me if I was okay with my husband not getting me a birthday card, I guess he was going to write it for him. Like you I miss it all with my husband, the talking, the hugging, the decision making as a couple, etc. etc. etc. But mostly I miss my hero. That's what he's always been for me, my knight in shining armour, my hero. Don't worry yourself about the tears, they seem to come on a regular basis and for no rhyme or reason.

I have two sons, my older one is going to be 29 in July and is getting married in Florence Italy in August (I can't take my husband so I will have to find temporary placement for him), myself and my younger son will be going. My younger son will be 25 in December, he still lives at home and is a great help with some chores around the house and with his dad. I think he still lives at home in order to help me.

Sounds like many people enjoy reading your poem.

Many hugs sent to you. Hope your day is special.:)
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
I'm losing a little bit of my husband (the man I fell in love with and loved for over 30 years) everyday but the worse part is I'm losing a bit of myself everyday also. It's not my husband I hate because I know it's not his fault and he wouldn't want this for himself or for me, but it's myself that I hate - what I have turned into, a shouting, yelling and crying individual..I want to stop but I don't know how. I've preached to others, take breaks, take care of yourself, no guilt and you deserve a good life. So many have told me I've changed. But how do I change back now? What is the answer, is there one, will we ever know?
Hi @dancer12
I haven’t been on TP for some time, but I felt I had to write to you. I had a need to express my feelings today and there is no better place for me to get my thoughts down in writing, knowing that so many people here understand and won’t judge me no matter what.
I really do understand how you are feeling.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself.
What we go through seeing the person we love being so alien is hard to come to terms with.
When they are so unreasonable, self obsessed, aggressive, spiteful, it’s impossible to just sit and take it.
You too need to vent your feelings. I know that we are told that shouting back at them is the last thing we should do. But it’s a natural reaction.
I felt just the same. I could have written your post.
For me I see it as a bereavement. I’ve lost half the man I have known, and in his place is someone I don’t know, nor do I understand.
I constantly look for the man he used to be.
I no longer look forward.
I can only look back on happier times.
Life is so very different, even to how it was 18 months ago.
It’s a learning curve for you and I. Take care....
Love B xx
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Hi @dancer12
I haven’t been on TP for some time, but I felt I had to write to you. I had a need to express my feelings today and there is no better place for me to get my thoughts down in writing, knowing that so many people here understand and won’t judge me no matter what.
I really do understand how you are feeling.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself.
What we go through seeing the person we love being so alien is hard to come to terms with.
When they are so unreasonable, self obsessed, aggressive, spiteful, it’s impossible to just sit and take it.
You too need to vent your feelings. I know that we are told that shouting back at them is the last thing we should do. But it’s a natural reaction.
I felt just the same. I could have written your post.
For me I see it as a bereavement. I’ve lost half the man I have known, and in his place is someone I don’t know, nor do I understand.
I constantly look for the man he used to be.
I no longer look forward.
I can only look back on happier times.
Life is so very different, even to how it was 18 months ago.
It’s a learning curve for you and I. Take care....
Love B xx
Hi Sad Staffs:

Thanks so much for your kind words. It is so difficult. Sometimes I am just so tired. Sometimes I think, and I know it's cruel to say, but I think if I lost him in a car crash or something it would be easier (for both him and myself) than this disease taking a bit of him at a time. It's just so hard to watch. I know that if anybody understands it will be people on TP who have or are going through this disease with a loved one. TP is a GODSENT website.:)

Sending love & many cyber hugs. Take care.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,858
I think we all need a group hug, yes it is a long bereavement with a workload when we just need a bit of loving care ourselves. Xxx