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Hello, yes, I'm the daughter

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
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Hi @imthedaughter - I always read, even though I dont post.
It sounds like you had a good visit, on the whole, Yes going down the rabbit hole is a good description
x
Oh bless you. I didn't mean necessarily to prompt replies, I think even just noting things down is probably a useful exercise in itself. I don't know how I would cope with dad full time - I think even the care home at least get to spread it out around the residents, but one on one all day would make you feel very strange I think.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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i read as well. remember that your dad likes his airplane bits and assembling as my husband had a kit as well but hes not got the patience to do it.
Oh thank you. I only do the easy ones for kids, no glue etc! But they do require some dexterity and attention to detail, so are harder than it looks.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
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I'm following this too - it's good to hear your update.

My parents also categorised women as either subservient (as they should be) or bossy - I think it's a generational thing and desperately hope it is disappearing. But we still criticise little girls when we see them as being 'bossy' whereas little boys with the same behaviour are seen as having good leadership skills... Tut.
I used to get that all the time - dad identified strongly with my younger brother as he had an older sister - and although I know I am particularly special as his only daughter, he would often make me stand aside for my younger brother (even when he was unsuitable for tasks or even plain unwilling) and tell me I was bossy just like my aunt!
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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I'm another that always reads your posts.

It sounds like your dad is in his own little world but pretty contented whilst you are presumably still battling the fall out from his disastrous financial mismangement.

My mum definitely viewed women/girls differently from men. I once not long before diagnosis got really cross with her as to her different attitude to my and my brother and she said that he was a boy so needed his confidence boosting as he had to be able to earn a living to support his family (pretty far from the truth - and I believe some of my brother's life failings are due to mum spoiling him)
Oh my god, yes I haven't even got started really on that but safe to say problems are ongoing and imminent.
So true on the boys front, it doesn't help them. My younger brother is babied and he just can't cope with change or the pretty standard stresses or strains of life especially well, which is why he's noped out of helping with dad.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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I read your posts too. My OH's family are male orientated. It caused rifts for many reasons, not least that I am not and never have been subservient to my husband (my MIL didn't like that). My OH's grandfather wouldn't even put his own jam onto a slice of bread as he had four women in the house to do it for him.
Haha when my mum married my dad she made him agree that she wouldn't be expected to cook three meals a day. My dad made his own breakfast and mostly went out for lunch! But now he's regressed to his younger years when he had a nanny etc I think
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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I like hearing your updates too and your dad's imagination always makes me chuckle. The episode with the pike a year or so ago was really funny.
When will it be pike day again? We are always on alert for it. He really can believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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Could you tell me about the pike episode? I'm intrigued...
From June 2020!
"While I was on the phone the manager told me that Dad had come down the other day in the morning and told her that they'd been fishing this morning and he'd ordered a pike for dinner. Had it arrived? As it happened, it was fish for dinner that day so the carer said, oh yes it's arrived, thank you.

Bearing in mind dad's information retention is severely challenged these days none of them expected to hear about the pike again but when fish was duly served up for dinner, another resident asked what kind of fish it was and dad piped up with 'It's pike!' And he declared it delicious, which is the first time he's said anything nice to the staff about the food (even though it's perfectly nice).

Apparently Dad added that you can only get this pike once a year, so we look forward to 'pike day' next year."

Sadly 2021 seemed to skip pike day (covid no doubt) but June will be here before you know it...
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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Went down to my hometown last week for the first bit of the jubilee holiday. Ordered Dad a commemorative t-shirt and programme as I thought he would see some of it on the TV, but he was completely unaware of it, and he didn't seem to query the carers who were all wearing union flags in their hair and on their t-shirts. Just as well, as the blooming things never arrived anyway.

He was watching a family film on TV though and said he was finding it hard to follow but 'that little dog is very intelligent' which made me laugh as yes, he was a talking dog.

Dad was fixated on some pipes which were, allegedly, in the general direction of the wardrobe, and apparently one was a gas pipe which had water in it and one was a water pipe which had gas in it - they had it the wrong way around. Apparently it has happened before, last month and they would know how to fix it. It was hard to get him off the subject, and apparently there was also a part which comes in two sizes and of course, they had fitted the incorrect one.

As this was clearly quite important to him I said I would pop downstairs and tell 'them' about it and make sure they were fixing it. In reality I let the office know and they could pick up the trail of conversation if it came up later.

I built Dad a plane - there was a bit missing which was annoying but most of the plane was ok. Dad said he wasn't looking after the planes like he used to - his Spitfire was missing ('out on training') at the moment, but he told me that he had the army on maintenance. He knows the army captain quite well, he said, and he comes to him for advice, because 'he knows I'm an RAF man' - I mean, don't we all!

He had been saying to me that I should ask him for advice, and I told him I'm doing some gardening, and did he want me to grow anything in particular? He seemed a bit wishy-washy over that so I suggested roses (we already have those) and he told me that mum and dad would love that as they were very keen on roses. Which I never knew as he never told me about his parents but let's hope it was a fact.

I also told him about his niece getting married again (third time lucky!) and he wasn't sure who she was and talking about his sister seemed to make me morph into her, but we agreed I would send a card and sign it from him so all good I think?

Dad is looking thin and more frail - his mobility is severely reduced to just the chair and shower/bathroom with a walker now. He is incontinent, and leaning to the right and seems to even have trouble holding his head up straight. I'm sure the mobility loss has hastened muscle wastage, and he is still eating and drinking very well. He's out of bed and dressed daily and shaved/washed daily (whenever possible, as he won't always agree) but he is deteriorating.

Left to his own devices, in his room with TV and radio, he is calm and seems happy enough, occupied mainly by his delusions - he told me that he 'does a lot of thinking and he has a very busy brain', which I don't doubt at all, and my husband said knowing me as he does this is just like me, my brain is always whirring away doing something!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,035
0
Nottinghamshire
Good to hear your update. I'm glad your dad's imagination is still working even if his body is becoming more frail. I hope his t-shirt turns up, though my mum pre-dementia would have given me an earful if I bought something like that for her. She is/was an ardent republican.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
Good to hear your update. I'm glad your dad's imagination is still working even if his body is becoming more frail. I hope his t-shirt turns up, though my mum pre-dementia would have given me an earful if I bought something like that for her. She is/was an ardent republican.
My dad has always been the biggest royalist in our family so I thought he'd be up for it but he seems ambivalent about the queen now. I did mention the 70 years thing but he didn't believe me. I asked him if he recalled the death of George and the queen's coronation celebrations - he'd have been 18 then - and he told me he 'wasn't around then' (when the king died) but then said he did remember having a party for the coronation, so who knows. He also told me he slept in Wales the previous night so he's still travelling a lot!
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
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High Peak
My dad has always been the biggest royalist in our family so I thought he'd be up for it but he seems ambivalent about the queen now. I did mention the 70 years thing but he didn't believe me. I asked him if he recalled the death of George and the queen's coronation celebrations - he'd have been 18 then - and he told me he 'wasn't around then' (when the king died) but then said he did remember having a party for the coronation, so who knows. He also told me he slept in Wales the previous night so he's still travelling a lot!
This (and your previous post) reminds me so much of conversations with my mother. I'd try to join in her reality then she'd throw me a curved ball and I'd have to change tack quickly! Mum also did much travelling, was always getting the bus to Blackpool or going on cruises somewhere exotic. The next visit she'd say she'd been thrown out of the boarding house and was stuck in 'this place' now, or the other, duplicate place that was just down the road... Same with the various jobs she had where she had to 'put all the things on the shelf' and no one else knew what to do so they all came to her for advice... Sheesh. I rarely stayed more than hour but always left with my brain protesting! I referred to my visits as 'Off to Wonderland to see mum!'

It sounds like your dad fell down a similar rabbit hole... Take care x
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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This (and your previous post) reminds me so much of conversations with my mother. I'd try to join in her reality then she'd throw me a curved ball and I'd have to change tack quickly! Mum also did much travelling, was always getting the bus to Blackpool or going on cruises somewhere exotic. The next visit she'd say she'd been thrown out of the boarding house and was stuck in 'this place' now, or the other, duplicate place that was just down the road... Same with the various jobs she had where she had to 'put all the things on the shelf' and no one else knew what to do so they all came to her for advice... Sheesh. I rarely stayed more than hour but always left with my brain protesting! I referred to my visits as 'Off to Wonderland to see mum!'

It sounds like your dad fell down a similar rabbit hole... Take care x
Yes this exactly how dad is - he's always saying very similar, vague things. It is mind-bending isn't it. Dad has a diagnosis of vascular and Alzheimer's dementia.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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I forgot to add. that when I turned up at the home, the carer said "It's your daughter come to see you" and he said "Oh is she here? Lovely" - and then to me "Well you're right on time for all the trouble to start!" Makes me smile even today!
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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Had some comms from the home over the past few days. Dad's court case continues to progress. Imagine the level of person who serves papers on a care home - there is probably a special place in hell reserved for such people.

Dad has been increasingly sleepy and non-talkative which is not at all like him, so the home got a review of his medication straightaway. They've lowered some of his doses - I actually think that as he's lost weight as he's less mobile and through age etc the dose is now too strong for him.

This has had an almost immediate effect and he's back to his usual antics. Apparently he's recognised a problem with boxes - I think generally speaking, not any particular ones - where the sides aren't staying up and he's inventing a device you can put inside to keep the sides up - we'll hopefully know soon if he requires a patent application.

As usual I am really grateful for a small home with caring staff who actually give a monkey's about his welfare - I'm sure some places would just let him get more dopey but they knew he wasn't himself and despite him chatting nonsense 24/7 they indulge him and see that he's enjoying the interaction and view that as an important part of what is left of his life now.