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Hello, yes, I'm the daughter

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
628
0
Letter forwarded from care home arrived yesterday. HMRC - dad hasn't done his self assessment. Obviously.
Ramg HMRC. Got through surprisingly quickly. Dad hasn't done his self assessment tax return for three years, which tallies with when he went downhill.

Have to register LPA with them to get the details, and then do the oldest tax return and tick the box to say he's no longer trading.

However have zero details of trading. HMRC said to get in touch with the old accountant. So I did and they kindly dug out the last accounts they had on file.

This ks going to take some time to sort out.

And I wonder why I couldn't focus at work yesterday!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,216
0
Your dad's finances are really in a muddle aren't they @imthedaughter I hope you get things sorted easily and there aren't any more nasty surprises regarding money owed at the end of it.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
628
0
Your dad's finances are really in a muddle aren't they @imthedaughter I hope you get things sorted easily and there aren't any more nasty surprises regarding money owed at the end of it.
They are. He simply stopped doing anything like that quite early on and they weren't in a good state to begin with - he's possibly going to end up bankrupt as we are fast running out of any money at all. Good job he doesn't need much day to day...
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
628
0
My dad's niece messaged me yesterday. She asked me about dad and if he'd got her card. Of course I have no idea. She asked if my brother was Dad's one person for visiting. I know full well the answer to that but I didn't tell her, no, he lives very close, but never visits.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
628
0
We did a garden visit with some friends at the weekend (I'm planning to go down to see dad and the family in May).
Our friends have just had a baby and are Australian and I asked if they thought they'd go back eventually. They said they probably will, with their parents aging.
I observed that dad went from living alone without seeming to have many problems apart from being cantankerous to needing residential care very quickly - meaning that sometimes it all happens so fast it doesn't matter if you're next door or the other side of the world! I feel bad even saying that now.
They asked why I didn't move back home when that happened and I've been niggling about it in my mind ever since. I didn't move because my job, home and life is here and I couldn't rearrange it all, and I hate my home town. Besides dad was proud as punch when we moved to London and bought a house. He saw it as a real sign of success (unlike the rest of my family who think I'm too fancy for my own boots now and can't be happy for me). He would have been the first to visit if he was able.
I keep trying to tell myself that our friends are quite forthright and obviously have no idea what has actually gone on, but the guilt monster is on me a bit.
I hope someone here can understand.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,337
0
South coast
They asked why I didn't move back home when that happened and I've been niggling about it in my mind ever since.
I could be an innocent question and its just playing on your mind, but if they were insinuating that you aught to have moved in then I dont think they have any understanding of dementia. Living with someone with dementia is really, really hard and anybody planning doing so should think really carefully and realise that there will probably come a time when they will not be able to cope and a care home will be needed anyway. You might give up your home and your job and then when he needed a care home anyway, lose the lot. You have to think about you too - it isnt just about your dad.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
628
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I could be an innocent question and its just playing on your mind, but if they were insinuating that you aught to have moved in then I dont think they have any understanding of dementia. Living with someone with dementia is really, really hard and anybody planning doing so should think really carefully and realise that there will probably come a time when they will not be able to cope and a care home will be needed anyway. You might give up your home and your job and then when he needed a care home anyway, lose the lot. You have to think about you too - it isnt just about your dad.
Thanks Canary, I think it was an innocent question and I think they meant, do I not want to live closer? I think this based on what they think they would do. I don't think it will be such a simple decision if it ever happens to them, you still need a job, my husband as well, and we own our home whereas they rent, so it was probably just based on a general feeling than anything else. Trying not to feel judged but even if I am being judged, really, does it matter? No one outside of our positions can truly understand it.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,198
0
Southampton
Thanks Canary, I think it was an innocent question and I think they meant, do I not want to live closer? I think this based on what they think they would do. I don't think it will be such a simple decision if it ever happens to them, you still need a job, my husband as well, and we own our home whereas they rent, so it was probably just based on a general feeling than anything else. Trying not to feel judged but even if I am being judged, really, does it matter? No one outside of our positions can truly understand it.
maybe its because they are thousands of miles from home and homesickness comes in especially as they have just had a baby and the first thing is to introduce the baby to the family. dont feel you are being judged, you made the decision based on your life and what you have made of it.youve done very well why would you want to give that up.
i would never, ever look after my father, he doesnt deserve it and my sister can do it if she wants. im no way helping at any time. i dont care how people judge me. thats up to them, im sure of my decision and wont change
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,216
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I'd bash that guilt monster good and hard @imthedaughter . I'm sure your friends didn't intend to imply that you should have dropped everything to go and look after your dad, but maybe in the back of your mind you think that's what you should have done. You've done a good job at making sure your dad is safe and well looked after and that is the most important thing.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
628
0
Thanks @canary @Sarasa and @jennifer1967 . I'm sure it'll leave my brain eventually. I suspect it's me feeling guilty because I don't call very often and I've not been down yet (even though travel has only just been lifted and overnight stays aren't yet a thing). We've got a lot going on here at the moment which requires frequent trips to the hospital for me so until my treatment is over we won't be going anywhere. Supposed to be not getting stressed, too, and calling dad does nothing good for my stress levels...