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Hello, yes, I'm the daughter

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
Letter forwarded from care home arrived yesterday. HMRC - dad hasn't done his self assessment. Obviously.
Ramg HMRC. Got through surprisingly quickly. Dad hasn't done his self assessment tax return for three years, which tallies with when he went downhill.

Have to register LPA with them to get the details, and then do the oldest tax return and tick the box to say he's no longer trading.

However have zero details of trading. HMRC said to get in touch with the old accountant. So I did and they kindly dug out the last accounts they had on file.

This ks going to take some time to sort out.

And I wonder why I couldn't focus at work yesterday!
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
Your dad's finances are really in a muddle aren't they @imthedaughter I hope you get things sorted easily and there aren't any more nasty surprises regarding money owed at the end of it.
They are. He simply stopped doing anything like that quite early on and they weren't in a good state to begin with - he's possibly going to end up bankrupt as we are fast running out of any money at all. Good job he doesn't need much day to day...
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
My dad's niece messaged me yesterday. She asked me about dad and if he'd got her card. Of course I have no idea. She asked if my brother was Dad's one person for visiting. I know full well the answer to that but I didn't tell her, no, he lives very close, but never visits.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
We did a garden visit with some friends at the weekend (I'm planning to go down to see dad and the family in May).
Our friends have just had a baby and are Australian and I asked if they thought they'd go back eventually. They said they probably will, with their parents aging.
I observed that dad went from living alone without seeming to have many problems apart from being cantankerous to needing residential care very quickly - meaning that sometimes it all happens so fast it doesn't matter if you're next door or the other side of the world! I feel bad even saying that now.
They asked why I didn't move back home when that happened and I've been niggling about it in my mind ever since. I didn't move because my job, home and life is here and I couldn't rearrange it all, and I hate my home town. Besides dad was proud as punch when we moved to London and bought a house. He saw it as a real sign of success (unlike the rest of my family who think I'm too fancy for my own boots now and can't be happy for me). He would have been the first to visit if he was able.
I keep trying to tell myself that our friends are quite forthright and obviously have no idea what has actually gone on, but the guilt monster is on me a bit.
I hope someone here can understand.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,878
0
South coast
They asked why I didn't move back home when that happened and I've been niggling about it in my mind ever since.
I could be an innocent question and its just playing on your mind, but if they were insinuating that you aught to have moved in then I dont think they have any understanding of dementia. Living with someone with dementia is really, really hard and anybody planning doing so should think really carefully and realise that there will probably come a time when they will not be able to cope and a care home will be needed anyway. You might give up your home and your job and then when he needed a care home anyway, lose the lot. You have to think about you too - it isnt just about your dad.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
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I could be an innocent question and its just playing on your mind, but if they were insinuating that you aught to have moved in then I dont think they have any understanding of dementia. Living with someone with dementia is really, really hard and anybody planning doing so should think really carefully and realise that there will probably come a time when they will not be able to cope and a care home will be needed anyway. You might give up your home and your job and then when he needed a care home anyway, lose the lot. You have to think about you too - it isnt just about your dad.
Thanks Canary, I think it was an innocent question and I think they meant, do I not want to live closer? I think this based on what they think they would do. I don't think it will be such a simple decision if it ever happens to them, you still need a job, my husband as well, and we own our home whereas they rent, so it was probably just based on a general feeling than anything else. Trying not to feel judged but even if I am being judged, really, does it matter? No one outside of our positions can truly understand it.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,723
0
Southampton
Thanks Canary, I think it was an innocent question and I think they meant, do I not want to live closer? I think this based on what they think they would do. I don't think it will be such a simple decision if it ever happens to them, you still need a job, my husband as well, and we own our home whereas they rent, so it was probably just based on a general feeling than anything else. Trying not to feel judged but even if I am being judged, really, does it matter? No one outside of our positions can truly understand it.
maybe its because they are thousands of miles from home and homesickness comes in especially as they have just had a baby and the first thing is to introduce the baby to the family. dont feel you are being judged, you made the decision based on your life and what you have made of it.youve done very well why would you want to give that up.
i would never, ever look after my father, he doesnt deserve it and my sister can do it if she wants. im no way helping at any time. i dont care how people judge me. thats up to them, im sure of my decision and wont change
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,035
0
Nottinghamshire
I'd bash that guilt monster good and hard @imthedaughter . I'm sure your friends didn't intend to imply that you should have dropped everything to go and look after your dad, but maybe in the back of your mind you think that's what you should have done. You've done a good job at making sure your dad is safe and well looked after and that is the most important thing.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
Thanks @canary @Sarasa and @jennifer1967 . I'm sure it'll leave my brain eventually. I suspect it's me feeling guilty because I don't call very often and I've not been down yet (even though travel has only just been lifted and overnight stays aren't yet a thing). We've got a lot going on here at the moment which requires frequent trips to the hospital for me so until my treatment is over we won't be going anywhere. Supposed to be not getting stressed, too, and calling dad does nothing good for my stress levels...
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
I haven't updated in ages as I'm not sure anyone reads but I did manage to see dad when I moved back home temporarily when my nana was dying - I built a plane for him and he didn't recognise me, but was happy enough to chat and help with the plane and accept it as a gift. He knew I was the same person who did the other plane but he told me all about his daughter - she was down the hall, had I seen grandpa today, he's around here somewhere, and telling me all about the german pilots who were there for training. I asked him if he thought they were spying on us, the British and he laughed and said "Of course they are! But we're all friends, at the moment."
As usual he's only just arrived, but he was enjoying his music.
The home weren't really supposed to let me visit but they granted it as an exception as I was only down for a limited time. In some ways I was less upset than I might have been that he didn't recognise me as he would have asked how my nana was, and she had died the day before. I would have told him she was fine - after all, she was free of the cancer now - so it wouldn't be a full lie. And frankly if his grandpa is alive to him my nan (who was younger than him, don't ask) certainly can be.

It was dad's birthday this week so I sent a cake, candles and various airplane bits for him to fiddle with. I spoke to him in the afternoon and he had no idea it was his birthday although I'm sure the staff made a big fuss of him. He said i didn't sound right to him but for once seemed more interested in how we were, so I told him we were moving (we are) and he got it into his head that we were moving home and he had five units to sell and he wants to speak to me about them, but offers have been made on them and I should work with the care home manager who is, he says, efficient, but bossy (all women who aren't completely subservient are bossy, including myself, according to my father). Anyway he also went on at length of the benefits of his current situation and the lovely weather, although the place is a little old fashioned. Then he implored me to seek his advice, and if he can do anything for me he will, research or perhaps just as a sounding board. All in all it was a bit of a journey but the sentiment was sweet, really. But it really is like going down the rabbit hole when you have a chat!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,723
0
Southampton
i read as well. remember that your dad likes his airplane bits and assembling as my husband had a kit as well but hes not got the patience to do it.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,428
0
High Peak
I'm following this too - it's good to hear your update.

My parents also categorised women as either subservient (as they should be) or bossy - I think it's a generational thing and desperately hope it is disappearing. But we still criticise little girls when we see them as being 'bossy' whereas little boys with the same behaviour are seen as having good leadership skills... Tut.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
6,341
0
Chester
I'm another that always reads your posts.

It sounds like your dad is in his own little world but pretty contented whilst you are presumably still battling the fall out from his disastrous financial mismangement.

My mum definitely viewed women/girls differently from men. I once not long before diagnosis got really cross with her as to her different attitude to my and my brother and she said that he was a boy so needed his confidence boosting as he had to be able to earn a living to support his family (pretty far from the truth - and I believe some of my brother's life failings are due to mum spoiling him)
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
225
0
I read your posts too. My OH's family are male orientated. It caused rifts for many reasons, not least that I am not and never have been subservient to my husband (my MIL didn't like that). My OH's grandfather wouldn't even put his own jam onto a slice of bread as he had four women in the house to do it for him.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,035
0
Nottinghamshire
I like hearing your updates too and your dad's imagination always makes me chuckle. The episode with the pike a year or so ago was really funny.