heart breaking feel so alone

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by mabbs, May 8, 2015.

  1. mabbs

    mabbs Registered User

    Dec 1, 2014
    I feel as if my heart is breaking, the tears are flowing. Phil was sectioned yesterday after bout of violence, for my safety he has been sectioned. He looked so lost and afraid, I feel so guilty leaving him there, I have been told I need to be prepared that he may not come home to me.

    I thought he would be assessed at home and then asked to take him to the assessment unit in a few days, but yesterday it all happened and we were at the hospital before I drew breath. My daughter in law came this morning, (son is away for work, and daughter lives 300 miles away) and comforted me, bless her, but I am alone again now, how can a house feel so empty, there are so many things I should be doing, bt I cant find the energy/ or cant be bothered, nothing seems worth it now. Cant concentrate on anything.

    I rang this morning, he had a bad night and is trying to get out so I wont go in today it will only make him worse, I need to let him settle for a couple of days, I dont know if I am doing the right thing, I know it will upset him if I go in, but it feels wrong to leave him. Oh god why cant they cure this awful disease. I know he is in the best place, and will get the care he needs, but its not helping.

    I wish my daughter wasnt so far away.
  2. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    No solution or advice but much sympathy
    Maybe this will be an opportunity to change medication and things will improve, so that even if he can't come home you could have peaceful visits

    There may be many things you should be doing but maybe not today, or tomorrow - have a rest and take care of yourself
  3. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    How very sad, this ****ing disease causes so much suffering. Totally understand why it is best that you do not visit yet, but wonder if anyone else could check on him for you - a good friend or perhaps your daughter-in-law if she has time?

    So very sorry for the great sadness you must be feeling right now - and the helplessness. Agree with Moonflowers hopes that this painful period might lead to some success in getting the right meds.

    Take care.
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    You must be hurting Mabbs. I am sad for you and your husband in this horrible situation. This is not magic wand time though and will be probably be long drawn out meaning a lot of patience and tolerance dealing with the inevitable upset. Give him that time to settle and try to be practical with advice to yourself on how you will deal with a new reality.

    So sad. Good wishes to you.
  5. angelface

    angelface Registered User

    Oct 8, 2011
    Have you thought that you are probably suffering from shock? Anyone would feel awful after what you have been through.

    Your OH will get the help that he needs now. Sending love and support, and hoping you find the strength to keep on being strong for your husband.
  6. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    And the strength to be strong for yourself.
    Dreadful things to go through and still have to keep going.
    Take a breather and give yourself a little time to come to terms with it all.
    Thinking of you and hoping things settle.
  7. colincampsite

    colincampsite Registered User

    Jun 4, 2011
    Mere words can never be enough
    Just so you know
    You are not alone
    For all those on here
    Are pulling for you
    And are indeed with you through this.
  8. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Lot of surrogate daughter here mabbs- all holding you hand and sending you the strength to get through this.

    I know what I'd be saying to my Mum if I was your daughter....

    Dad is safe,
    You are safe,

    Let things follow the course that they will.
    Then we'll worry about what happens next.

    Get some rest, don't be alone, any friend that you can call on for a coffee? No, they wont mind!

    Big hug xx
  9. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Terrible time for you. Be kind to yourself and i hope things settle for you and your husband. You are never alone here. We arexall herexwith you. Sending you strength for the days ahead. Love quilty
  10. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    I'm so sorry, I keep thinking this is how it will be for me one day. You hang in there
  11. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Oh mabbs! How awful but keeping posting here. We will all try to support you xx
  12. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Oh Mabbs, how I sympathise, having been in a similar position myself. I do know how hard this is, but it will get easier, I promise.

    I felt just like that, and saw the fear and felt the sadness in Roger; but while Phil is in an assessment unit, they will help him all they can to feel calmer and settle. I knew that I could no longer cope at home as his condition had reached a point beyond my capabilities, and we needed professional help. Always remember though that it's not Phil being violent, it is caused by his illness; Phil is still there underneath it all.

    You know Phil, and it sounds right to allow him time to settle, and the staff to gain his confidence. Give yourself time too, be gentle with yourself. I remember the tears flowing when I realised that Roger would not be home again, but try to be kind to yourself. Life is different now, and you will adjust to it, and hopefully, you will be able to enjoy better times with Phil in the future.

    Sending love and wishing you strength. I truly understand this tough journey.

    Jan x
  13. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Just wants to say that my heart goes out to you. xx
  14. mabbs

    mabbs Registered User

    Dec 1, 2014
    thank you all for such kind words, I am going to see him on Sunday with my son, I will hopefully be a bit stronger then, and have had a rest, I am usually able to cope but this has floored me, and I dont have any friends near by, but my lovely daughter in law has been a tower of strength.
  15. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    It was three years ago that my husband went into an assessment unit. He did go voluntarily but everything was in place for sectioning if he changed his mind. As horrendous as it was at the time it was not long before we saw that he was getting the help he so badly needed.

    Nine weeks later he moved from the unit to his present nursing home. He had been given CHC funding and 24 hour 1:1 care. He was calm, no longer tormented by the dreadful disease and certainly not over medicated. He had suffered so much in the 7 years since his diagnosis. For us it was a life saver, he got the proffesional care he so badly needed and his medication was sorted, several being removed as inappropriate.

    He has declined over the three years, it is inevitable but he has had three very special years in the nursing home and hopefully will have many more.

    It is a shock, one day two of you, the next day just one but if it helps your husband then it really is a price worth paying. Three years on I am still caring, visiting daily and for the most part, my visits are enjoyable and I can sit with him and have no worries about cleaning up, washing and just about everything else as carers we are responsible for. I know it is said often but you really do get quality time together, something that had not been there for a long, long time.

    So chin up and accept the unit as the real help your husband needs and deserves.

    Take care

  16. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    I feel deeply for you, it is an awful time and so hard to take in the reality. Many here understand what you are going through, the thoughts, emotions, the aloneness... Come here and write whatever you need to let out and it does help a little.

    Sending sympathy and empathy and wishing you strength to get through what lies ahead, and you will somehow or other. But not easy. This horrible destructive disease...

    Loo xxx
  17. mabbs

    mabbs Registered User

    Dec 1, 2014
    Ive just spoken to the unit, and he has been really aggressive all day swearing and spitting, he would never have sworn at a nurse, and spitting is a new stage altogether, I do know in my head he is in the best place, but my heart is getting in the way, they have medicated him now, looks as if they will need to keep him on something to calm him for a while. That makes it even more sensible for him to be there, I am not sure if I am crying for him, or me. I am looking forward to an undisturbed night, hoping I will sleep tonight, to uptight last night. x
  18. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    Mabbs, can I give you my honest opinion? Ask for it to be deleted if I go wrong here, but when my hubby was in a violent stage, it was all put down to domestic violence and I had to search for their number, which was never answered, day or night.

    Someone heard your distress call. I am personally so glad that you've been heard and helped. I wasn't, and was left to live with the fear of more violence until it eventually subsided.

    I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I hurt for you because you hurt, but please allow the help and support to continue. The professionals need to see what we all go through, or probably at least, most of us.

    Big hugs to you.
  19. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Dear mabbs l have been reading your posts, l am crying for you as l am going through the same problems, l know l can no longer carry on, we try so hard to look after our beloved husbands, but in the end we have to give in. Hope you get some sleep tonight, tomorrow is a new day, lots of tender loving care.
  20. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014

    take a littel time out for now . It may need the . Med look at to see if he requer stronger med . But for now give you self a littel time out beleve me .i have been there. Thinking of you . Be strong

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