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heart breaking feel so alone

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Thanks to all your positive thoughts must have done something, because I have just had the phone call to say they believe they would suit his needs and they have vacancies, the rooms are being redecorated, and should be available early next week, oh the relief, its a lovely place, in beautiful surroundings, the care ( the most important thing) seems good, resident happy and well looked after. So hoping all will go well, expecting a bit of an upset for the first couple of weeks. But hoping he will settle in fairly quickly.:)
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
Thanks to all your positive thoughts must have done something, because I have just had the phone call to say they believe they would suit his needs and they have vacancies, the rooms are being redecorated, and should be available early next week, oh the relief, its a lovely place, in beautiful surroundings, the care ( the most important thing) seems good, resident happy and well looked after. So hoping all will go well, expecting a bit of an upset for the first couple of weeks. But hoping he will settle in fairly quickly.:)
So happy for you Mabbs isn't it a relief you have been on my mind today was praying it would be positive news hugs xxx Sandi
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,563
Ireland
So happy for you Mabbs. But I know too that now that it's come, and once your husband is actually settled into a permanent place - you might find that you get times of being overwhelmed with grief again then. When, after all the struggles and stress now, you finally have a bit of relief from it all, a bit of breathing space, and the time to realise that he really is not coming home again. That's how it was for me - yes, I was relieved that William was getting the care he really needed. Yes, I did know that I was really no longer able to go on caring for him alone. But still - that realisation that he wasn't coming home again was gut-wrenching. Will be thinking of you as you adjust to the new phase in your life. xx
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
416
leaving home

That initial break from the place we call 'home' is a very difficult one to address, in the throes of emotional upheaval and all the rest of it. A kind of strange bereavement. Yet, when things become more calm, one can see that a move is both right and unavoidable. The caring at home (in my case) had become impossible. The 24hour care which is essential. The house itself, totally impracticable (no proper facilities, staircase, no walk-in shower et al) The moments which were 'off the wall' were stressful for everyone, especially the one suffering AD. Thus, the decision for emergency respite came at the peak of all of that - tearful, anguish, anger, guilt, the list goes on. Then, some weeks on, within a truly 'caring' environment, a specialised one focussing on dementia, one sees a genuine improvement. Medication reduced, a more settled person, with constant attendance and interaction and a TRUE 24 hour care program. I confess to a daily visit (40mile round trip) because of a prior to twelve year 'caring' role. This is by way of 'continuity' for both myself and the one afflicted with AD. Whilst there is recognition and those lucid moments, I will continue that role. The most important thing for me, is to ensure that what is the VERY BEST OPTION for the AD person is put in place. Yes, the house seems horribly empty, devoid of that being who has been there for 60 years. But knowing that they are SAFE, CARED FOR, removed for the best part, from anxiety, physical danger, all the negatives of being at home in respect of the nature of AD - all of that lends genuine comfort. Now, instead of walking along a landing in the middle of the night having been summoned by a call, to ensure that the loved one is safe- needs to change a pad - might have fallen out of bed - has "seen things" in the night - wants breakfast etc etc -- one can sleep more easily knowing that an hourly check at night, plus a genuine helping hand throughout the day, means a very great deal. I drive to the place (open door policy at ANY TIME) sit down beside her (my mother) maybe take her hand and gently interact. Despite the ramblings, the 'otherworldliness' there ARE moments when 'Mum' turns and smiles and says 'hello'. Something inside is aware, the hand squeezes tight and you know that something is really there. Yes, it's a terribly cruel thing and ravages the heart and soul of the 'carer' in ways which perhaps are only now being addressed much more seriously. I suppose that LOVE in all its pure and rather wonderful beauty can transcend self-pity, all of that pain and anguish and guilt which looms up before you each morning you awaken and when you retire to a lonely bed and an empty house. That LOVE is within all of us, within the moment. The rest is thought, ifs and buts, hopes and regrets -- all of these are redundant. The 'moment' when the hand is squeezed, or the eyes shine, or the smile breaks over that unique and all so familiar face - or when that so very precious moment of lucidity seems to herald a 'return' ..... each of these moments, are the truth. It is like the early morning sun breaking over the horizon - impossible to repeat, impossible to capture - because the 'moment' is sacred. All the rest remains OUR problem, however frustrating, complex, unfair or hateful. We are creatures of memory and memories are history. My mother is soon to be 99. She is here and now. Thus, each and every 'moment' whilst I sit with her is all that counts. I'll not carry anything away with me, nor dwell on the ifs and buts. For none of that will in any way help her now. But I will never, ever abandon her. Now, like a vulnerable child who was once the nurturing mother, love embraces all and everything beyond. In a strange and perhaps very profound way, it is a privilege and a truly meaningful one. You have my heartfelt respect, all of you who now care for a loved one, in whatever individual circumstances you find yourselves embroiled. However seemingly hopeless, pain-stricken, never-ending, desperate .... address 'the moment'. For that is all there truly is.
 
also feel so alone at home...

Dear mabbs l have been reading your posts, l am crying for you as l am going through the same problems, l know l can no longer carry on, we try so hard to look after our beloved husbands, but in the end we have to give in. Hope you get some sleep tonight, tomorrow is a new day, lots of tender loving care.
I have just slept through for about 48 hours non-stop, after putting my husband with dementia/Alz into a Home for people with various types of dementia and Alz.
I am his wife of 50 splendid years and I didn't want to do this.
He IS 80 this year and has had the disease for at least five years, his memory rapidly deteriorating recently to the point he cannot remember how to do anything about his personal hygiene. We cannot have a meaningful conversation. He gets disturbed a lot and rambles. My understanding friends and bought-in Carers for some night-times could see I was getting exhausted months ago. I have been his main Carer for over 2 years now.
People we met out and about who know us were always saying 'remember to look after yourself'...'if you crack up who will be able to look after him?'.... my husband. More than a year ago I began to look at Homes in my area. I didn't like any of them. But that was because I couldn't see myself in them. When I began to write down notes on my husband's progress and behaviour, I realised he was worsening quite rapidly recently, and falling off the plateau he had been on for some months. My helpers, the doctor and friends agreed.
I finally took him to a Residential Home out of hospital. He was in hospital for diagnosed deep vein thrombosis, and had a complete check-up at the same time. I was persuaded to transfer him from the hospital to the Home.
His 80th birthday was two days later, and I was allowed to bring him back to our home for it, to spend with friends. At the end of the pleasant day he spent a very difficult night here, and I was still exhausted, so I reluctantly took him back to the Residential Home the next morning. I had wondered if I could 'keep' him with me for the week, but it wasn't to be.
I have only just got over being terrified that one day, in the Residential Home, he will wake up from all of this - the Alzheimers - turn to me and say 'What am I doing here? Take me home right now. Why am I here?' But as the days go by he seems to have settled into the Home and my fears subside. He sometimes moans about the food in a rambling way, but other days he says he likes it there. I see and hear him engaged in laughter. It is the best Home I could find locally, and I like the Administrator who seems to be a compassionate wise woman. The daily routine seems fine, and the medical side is taken care of as well. I have had to leave my husband in her and her Team's capable hands. I visit when I can. As I said, I have slept most of the time, but can visit more often now I am rested. My 2 loving cats keep me from feeling too lonely, and it will all take more time for me to heal and make a new life.
You too can be helped to face that decision, and not get too exhausted to make it. There are good Homes near you; the focus is on Alzheimers and dementia now - the press, the NHS, the Government. Our time has come! Good luck!
 

truth24

Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
5,725
North Somerset
So pleased for you, mabbs. Hope he settles quickly and is contented. Fred 'celebrated' his first year in his CH on Monday and I can truly say that it is now his home, which is probably more than I can say for mine as that still has a gaping hole in it!
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
well the date is set for transfer to the home this Tuesday, I am going over on Monday to take some things in and make his room more homely, and set up a TV for him. For the last week he has been quiet and content, he sleeps a lot in the day, not so much at night, hoping that will change once he has a room on his own, hoping he wont get too upset at the change, but I will be able to take our little dog in to see him, which I hope will help. Thanks everyone for all your kind words and hugs. Hope those of you who are at the same stage get the results you want and all goes well for you. xx
 

NanLorac

Registered User
May 14, 2012
686
Scotland
Mabbs you have been through so much in the past 2mths. I hope the Phil settles into the home ok and likes room you are going to fix up for him. Take care. x