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heart breaking feel so alone

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
68
That's good to hear Mabbs. At least he's now calm and sounds ontented, which is giving him and you a break from the torment.

Enjoy your afternoon.
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
That's good to hear Mabbs. At least he's now calm and sounds ontented, which is giving him and you a break from the torment.

Enjoy your afternoon.
Jan I have just read your thread, thank you so much for thinking of me, when you are having such a bad day yourself, I hope you are feeling a little better now.
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,118
Scotland
What a lovely message from your daughter, mabbs.

Good to hear that Phil is calmer, more settled, and that it was easier when you left. I hope it has eased some of your anguish.

Enjoy having your hair done on Wednesday and wishing you continued good visits with Phil.

Thinking of you
Loo xx
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
had a review yesterday, scan to be done, possible lewy bodies, it was all positive plans, so why did I feel so down yesterday after the visit, poor love was asleep, and there was no way I was going to wake him, and then leave a few minutes later, as it was nearing dinner time. It takes a while for him to realize who I am, just as he would have recognised me I would be going. God I miss him at home, and feel so awful leaving him there, I am trying to keep busy, hair this afternoon, might give me the lift I need. He hasnt been away for a week yet, but it feels much more, visits are so difficult, I dont want to leave him there, but I know deep inside that he is in a much better place there, with the care, and the safety aspect. My head knows its the right place for him, but my heart is still breaking, his days vary from hour to hour from happy to agitated, and back to happy, at least he is eating most days ok, and he is sleeping alright as well, and as far as I know no accidents in the night, so thats good. Possible the week of accidents a month ago was an infection, as he seems to be back to 'normal' now.

Here hoping he is having a good day today.
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello mabbs l think you are doing so well, it must be so hard for you, l know l would feel so unhappy, l am sure hubby is being well looked after, and that you are having a much needed break, thinking of you sending you a big (((Hug)))
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
68
Hi mabbs

Still thinking of you, and can totally understand how you are feeling. It is so hard to leave the one you love in the hospital, when all you want to do is take them home, and love them as before.

The plan of actions from the hospital sound positive, but it is so very hard to hear such negativity about someone you love, but at least when they know what conditions they are dealing with they will be able to help Phil. At least he's happy some of the time and he must feel safe too.

Now for you! I hope you had your hair done today and it looks good. Phil would be pleased to know that. He would hate the thought that you were not looking after yourself properly, so you need to make sure you do that for him (as well as yourself).

Life is a rollercoaster at the moment, but it will level out again. Wishing you strength.
Jan x
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Hello mabbs l think you are doing so well, it must be so hard for you, l know l would feel so unhappy, l am sure hubby is being well looked after, and that you are having a much needed break, thinking of you sending you a big (((Hug)))
thank you, hugs much appreciated
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Hi mabbs

Still thinking of you, and can totally understand how you are feeling. It is so hard to leave the one you love in the hospital, when all you want to do is take them home, and love them as before.

The plan of actions from the hospital sound positive, but it is so very hard to hear such negativity about someone you love, but at least when they know what conditions they are dealing with they will be able to help Phil. At least he's happy some of the time and he must feel safe too.

Now for you! I hope you had your hair done today and it looks good. Phil would be pleased to know that. He would hate the thought that you were not looking after yourself properly, so you need to make sure you do that for him (as well as yourself).

Life is a rollercoaster at the moment, but it will level out again. Wishing you strength.
Jan x
rollercoaster is definitely the word for it, I wonder if he will notice the haircut tomorrow, will make my day if he does, but I will be happy if he is having a good day, just a smile will make me happy, and give me the strength to carry on, one day at a time. Hope the roller coaster starts to level out soon, but it is early days yet.
x
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
68
Glad you enjoyed having your hair done today. My turn tomorrow.

As you say, just a smile or a special touch makes all the difference, and we can enjoy that for some time. As you say, one day at a time. (I'm very good at giving advice but not listening myself! :eek:)

The rollercoaster will begin to level out soon, and, if like me, I began to enjoy my time with Roger on a different level; things were never the same, but enjoy what you can. xx
 

truth24

Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
5,725
North Somerset
Glad to hear Phil is more settled now, mabbs. Don't push yourself. It takes a while to acclimatise, several months In my case before I felt I'd had enough time to lick my wounds and make an effort to rejoin society. Can't say I'm all the way there yet and it has been 9 months but am now used, if not happy, to living without Fred and have the pleasure of usually happy visits. It takes time to adjust so be kind to yourself. xx
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
Mabbs, thanks so much for popping on my thread. You're welcome always. Sending love to you; Phil and your Daughter.
 

count2ten

Registered User
Dec 13, 2013
186
Mabbs, I can't begin to know what you're going through, only want to send my strength and loving thoughts , and to say maybe this is a kind of much needed and possibly long overdue respite time for you both. What a loving caring daughter you have as well - mine have been a tower of strength , their calm support has put me back on my feet umpteen times during the past few years. Also made me realise how much I had neglected other parts of my life.

Big hugs xxxx
 
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LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,631
Ireland
Sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment Mabbs. It will take time for your husband to really settle. And it takes time for us left alone at home to readjust too. My husband went into full time care last September, after a horrendous time here, and I just couldn't care for him alone any more, it wasn't safe for either of us anymore. He was deteriorating very rapidly, refusing to eat or drink nearly enough and becoming increasingly aggressive and agitated. However, once settled in the nursing home, with uniformed staff, he had no problems letting them care for him. He ate & drank enough, took his medication - another problem I was having - and was kept clean. His health improved a lot, although now the natural progression of the illness means he is gone down again.

For myself, it has taken at least until now - and a complete revamp of the house (much needed - William was a chronic hoarder!) - to help me to settle to my life on my own. And it takes a lot of effort of will. I found I didn't want to go out and be with people. I sort of cocooned myself at home in my "nest" and could have happily stayed here and seen no-one, apart from visiting the nursing home! Thankfully, family and good friends weren't about to let me do that! It takes a while to learn how to join in life again, I suppose.

It is sad and there is always that tiny nagging voice of the guilt monster ready to whisper in our ears - but we can know that we have done the best possible thing, by making sure our husbands are getting the care they need. And I know from watching William that he feels so much more secure in the nursing home than he did at home with only me trying to take care of him. He can relax more, knowing there are so many people there to take care of him. If he wants something - there's always several people around to go to, day or night.

Best wishes to you at this time. Hope you have good visits with your husband, and can get some rest yourself.
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
thanks everyone, your comments are all gratefully received, went to see Phil this morning, he was calm and looked so content and happy, I gave him a little toy dog, to keep him company as he misses our little dog Spike, and spike is missing him as well. I have a lovely photo, but cant figure out how to post it, will try and get Sue to do it for me later, its such a good one of him, and he looks so happy with his new little spike 2.

Like you Lady A, I am looking at a good clear out, but I can only do bits at the moment, my head knows he is likely to go into a home, from the unit, but my heart still thinks he will be back, so am trying not to remove too much too soon. Clearing and cleaning is the way for me to cope with the long days without him. The sewing knitting etc, l I cant seem to get the enthusiasm to do any of it at the moment, haven't done any baking since he went in last week either. Sure the bug will get me soon and I will be back doing all the things I love.
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
68
Mabbs, I think you are doing so well at this difficult time.

I am so pleased that Phil was contented today and liked his new friend Spike 2. That is so good. I'll look forward to seeing your photo.

I admit, that when I knew Roger was in care permanently I had some changes made to the house, the things we had planned to do together, but I made our home my own. That somehow helped me to accept that this is now my home.

I sorted out many things in the house, but some were too sensitive to move out. Now Roger has passed away, I am at the next stage of sorting out, but there are some things that I need to keep, although it is still early days for me.

Sorry, I've gone off at a tangent, rambling on about myself. Try to set yourself one thing to achieve each day.

Thinking of you. x
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
WEST SUSSEX
Mabbs - just catching up - so understand all you feel - felt like it myself all last year when my husband ended up in a NH. I could clean but was unable to clear anything out from the home even though I knew he would never come home again. Do just what you feel comfortable with and I hope your visits to Phil remain calm and peaceful.
Will be thinking of you as you come to terms with a new way of life. WIFE