• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Goodbye and Hello

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
Thank you @jennifer1967 , it was relatively easy until recently , we have always spent a lot of time with both sets of grandparents and girls are close to them all , it was natural for mum to move in here and everyone was happy and wanted that , we still do really it’s just Dementia is making that difficult . It is a juggling act but lots of communication have made it easier . Hubby is looking out for his own interests too , happy wife happy life and all that 😂 .
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,009
High Peak
Obviously your family is very close and you discuss the situation every day, but now things are changing ('2 lines crossed') maybe it's time to have an Official Family Conference?

You could discuss plans for the future (i.e. moving mum to a care home, as you accept it is inevitable sooner or later) and get input from everyone on the time scale as they all see it. Next step is to plan how you will achieve it - easier said than done! The third step is to discuss how you will all cope as a family until that time comes and how you can support each other now your mum is becoming... difficult.

I just think that if you had a definite 'goal' you were all working towards, it might help your daughters and husband cope. Sometimes the worst thing about coping with caring is that there is no 'end date'. Thinking it could go on forever (getting worse every day) can make you feel desperate but if you can say 'it's only till spring' or whatever, it might be a little easier.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
Thank you @Jaded'n'faded , we have talked to both girls , they both want Nan to stay really but do struggle to know how to help her when she is struggling do tend to leave it to me , one finds it a lot easier , she doesn’t want her Nan to go in to a home but knows it is coming , the other will just go along with whatever . I spoke to them and told them it will be sooner rather than later and probably be spring . They do deal with it quite well, I hope that I do understand them and they are honest with me , but as a check and balance their dad speaks to them frequently alone too . I may of been hasty to say lines crossed , more that I can sense husbands growing frustration , some of that is other things , lockdown etc not solely mum , but I agree he does need a date as such , so unless things deteriorate rapidly spring it will be . As to how we will enable this , we have some tentative plans but it’s a work in progress . Thank you all . It’s me that is struggling the most just recently , I realise that it’s me that can make it easier or harder and sometimes even though I know it won’t help I struggle to smooth things over . Mary is a little help , we were hoping to get away for 1 night as a family but she still isn’t keen . Husband wants me to find someone else or an agency to compliment Mary to give us time away completely and not just a couple of hours .
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
494
Hi @Woo, I keep up with your thread when I can.
It’s sounds as if things are progressing much as the same way they have with my mum.
I had a plan for moving her to a care home when restrictions eased just as you are but I reached the crisis point, don’t let that happen to you.
You sound like a great family who keep the communication going but you’re the centre of everything and trying to keep everyone happy, you sound very able but you’re not Wonder Woman.
I know you do everything to make things easier for your mum and employing MP was one of those things but if I recall correctly, you always intended that they would allow you to have short breaks away from home. If MP can’t do I’d be tempted to look at other agencies that could. One unhappy mum for a short time as opposed to a happy relaxed family 🤔
On another note, I wish I’d started my own thread when I first joined DTP. I was shocked to see I joined in 2013, I thought it was 2015. Time flies when your enjoying yourself 🥴
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
Thank you @Just me :) I did employ MP for that reason yes , and to do evenings so we could perhaps go out for a meal but sadly none of those things have happened sure to various reasons . I did say to MP today that we would still like to get away for a night , she seemed more up for it now she has established a good relationship with mum and us all . I always thought that it would be detrimental to mum to leave her but I know I need to for my own sake, you are all right . I will def look in to an agency. Thank you again. Please do start your own thread , I will read it , as will many ,I like to watch and read longer threads. Hope you are doing ok .
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
494
That’s good @Woo2 it’ll be easier for you knowing the person and just what you need. I hope to do manage to get away and let others take some of the organising and relax.
I’m not in a good place really, after one incident mums admitted to hospital then catches covid.
It’s near impossible to talk to her on the phone and now the person who arranges the FaceTime slots has gone off sick.
The update today was confused, disorientated, anxious, up throughout the night, shadowing staff, needing reassurance, fixated on her bowels!
It’s horrendous not being able to see her and this is just a taster of what others are going through with care home visits.
I was feeling sorry for myself earlier and just wanted a hug then the next door neighbour called with a card and hand cream for mum and some flowers for me, so lovely.
Can you imagine if I’d started my post in 2013, from the trivial to the scary. I’d have been bored never mind anyone else😊x
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
494
My mother’s bowels are an interesting subject (not) , they are often loose often constipated.....I am asked to serve bowel opening/ closing food or drinks on a regular basis.
This week was different I was sent for an urgent purchase of cranberry jelly as she was weeing too much!!
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
May I ask why Spring? I think you were reasonably happy with your first choice Care Home and wonder if a place came up there before Spring would you consider taking it.
You mentioned your concern about leaving one of your daughters alone with your Mum whilst your Mum is a bit fixated, mistaking her for someone else. Obviously you know the situation best and I hope the glaring stops as quickly as it started. Would it be worth using the dementia helpline to see if they have any ideas?For what it is worth I think you need the time for you whilst your Mum is at DC. If they cannot deal with anything I am sure they will let you know soon enough. I hope the chat with DC is helpful.
I wish you had got some better support from ‘the system’ without ‘professionals’ stating the blumin obvious.
what was the result of the UTI?
Sending you lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
That’s good @Woo2 it’ll be easier for you knowing the person and just what you need. I hope to do manage to get away and let others take some of the organising and relax.
I’m not in a good place really, after one incident mums admitted to hospital then catches covid.
It’s near impossible to talk to her on the phone and now the person who arranges the FaceTime slots has gone off sick.
The update today was confused, disorientated, anxious, up throughout the night, shadowing staff, needing reassurance, fixated on her bowels!
It’s horrendous not being able to see her and this is just a taster of what others are going through with care home visits.
I was feeling sorry for myself earlier and just wanted a hug then the next door neighbour called with a card and hand cream for mum and some flowers for me, so lovely.
Can you imagine if I’d started my post in 2013, from the trivial to the scary. I’d have been bored never mind anyone else😊x
Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time too but an unexpected lovely gesture like your neighbour did, sometimes helps to keep us going.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
I too am sorry you are struggling @Just me , what a lovely gesture from your neighbour though . It is very difficult for you , it’s hard to get any information at the best of times must be worse now :( hope you get some information soon . Thinking of you and sending big hugs🤗.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
I managed to see the manger this morning quite by chance , we had a good chat , mum is becoming more agitated there too , they have to literally keep mum and other lady at opposite ends of room and if one of them moves they are up ready to intervene . She disagrees about medication and thinks mum would benefit , she suggested a months respite for us as a family , but ultimately she thinks mum should be going in to a home. She was brutally honest and it did me some good to hear what I have been avoiding thinking about . I felt lighter and happier on drive home , which feels wrong but it’s like I have an end date in sight now as @Jaded'n'faded wisely mentioned . Came home and spoke to both daughters , youngest agreed but got very upset , the other whilst sad isnt as emotionally attached and think she is happy if that’s the right word , maybe more relieved . I can say that the thought of being able to go out with them for a whole day or even just a meal sounds amazing . So I have a plan to make this as good a Christmas as possible and then as soon after I will take Mum . Will need to give some serious thought to how and what I will say but I can figure that out . I shall try and order some name tags in the meantime and get some copies of photo’s , order new clothes etc and generally try and get prepared . Feels quite surreal and devious .
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,245
Southampton
hi woo2 could it be that the decision is almost taken out of your hands and your opinion is shared by the DC manager so re-affirm what you were trying not to believe. at least it gives you time to prepare your mums move and to prepare yourself by distraction of christmas. i feel sorry that you have had to make the decision and miss her but you have family support and hopefully restrictions will be lifted so you will be able to visit.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,011
Hi @Woo2, I'm glad you had a chat with the manager and getting things ready for a move to a care home sounds a sensible thing to start doing. I wouldn't put a time scale of things though. If a place where you'd like your mum to move to turns up before Christmas or she declines further or more quickly then a move before Christmas might be a good idea. My mum's last Christmas before she moved into care was not a happy one in lots of ways as she was convinced the family were freezing her and she got very upset and confused by all the comings and goings. Mind you I guess everyone's Christmases are going to be very different this year.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
Thank you both , I am accepting it may be before of after , that’s just my date when I would like to have things sorted .
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
494
I think when someone else out of the family suggests a change is needed then you know it’s based on experience and with no personal interest. Hopefully a place will come up in a home where your mum might be comfortable
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Pleased to hear that you felt a bit ‘lighter and happier’ after speaking to the DC Manager. I thinks this also backs up what you were thinking and if I remember rightly some of your Mum’s old friends. I guess it is that torch shining at the end of the tunnel.
It will be hard in so many ways but you will deal with it all brilliantly the way you have whilst you have been caring for your Mum. Surreal it may well be but not devious - you will be doing what is best for you all in the longer term. Just a thought -maybe keep in touch with No1 care home fortnightly to remind them you are still interested even if not quite yet.(that was what my No1 care home suggested I did)
more hugs🤗🤗🤗
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
590
It's always a difficult decision to make, and when others who are with your mum are having the same thoughts , it does help to think the time is right. I started " preparing" things a little while before mum moved into the home and that helped too. Your daughters will be able to go and visit their nan, and enjoy spending time with her there too, we all adapt. If your mum doesn't have a sudden decline, you'll be able to plan a "last Christmas" ( may not turn out exactly as you hope, your mum may have other plans!) Hopefully by Spring ( if things stay relatively ok) , visiting situation at care homes must surely have improved. A date to work towards, tho not set in stone will help all your family start to get used to the idea xx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
Thank you @Starting on a journey , @Bikerbeth and @anxious annie :) That’s a good idea about keeping in regular contact with no 1 home . I am thinking about which one would be more likely to keep her there if we run out of money , I think we have about 5-6 years of funding and I wouldn’t like to think she would need to be moved but not sure if I should include that factor in the final decision . Mums friends are in complete agreement too and that helps me , it was getting me to accept it . Reading some of my earlier posts to others I couldn’t believe how far I have deviated from my thoughts then , or maybe it’s because it wasn’t me having to make those hard decisions ! Thank you all again for the helpful honest thoughts .
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
494
I know what you mean about the money! It’s a calculation you don’t want to make in the remit of “how long will she live” it’s horrible, especially as low interest has gone to nothing so you can’t accumulate a little bit more. Also, will prices go up? Will there be so much demand? We don’t know the answer and it could be very regional. Towns and cities hit by the virus may have demographic gaps in care home admissions for the next few years..... a bit like the
need to build more primary schools when there is a baby boom and then ten years later more secondary schools.
Who knows? I think that you could make yourself ill trying to outguess what is going to happen, who will do what.
Just keep in touch like they said and hopefully a bed will become available at some point soon. Again that’s horrible as basically you are waiting for someone to move on !
Just sitting at the back of the lounge wondering about today and what it will bring....mum reading paper so all quiet here which is the way I like it.
 

Members online

Forum statistics

Threads
116,901
Messages
1,710,072
Members
67,665
Latest member
FrankRMC