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Goodbye and Hello

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
500
Trying to imagine your situation..... would I have looked after mum if children were teenagers? Would we have continued if husband still alive?
Not really sure to be honest. I think bearing in mind that things ain’t going to get better I would be doing what you are doing and looking at care homes. How about ringing those that didn’t reply in case there was an e Mail error?
How’s about a full and frank chat with your family, and ask for their opinion on the way forward, young people can be extremely perceptive.
If your mum was at least on a waiting list you could perhaps focus? I know all about holidays.....before my husband died we managed to go to Canada, so glad we went . We have had some awful arguments about leaving her .... (never without 24/7 cover ) Mum was ok as she was last year when a colleague of my daughters stepped in so I could go away with my children.
Already booked a 5 day holiday for December 2021 so not exactly living it up but hoping that by then we can have respite care !
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,273
Southampton
the truth awful so not worked. did reduce painkillers for a time to give it a chance to work but will be increasing. emailed doctor about it and we will see. bit down not sure what else to do
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
I have talked to youngest who has the most interaction with her Nan and also cleans up after her and she is happy at the moment to keep the status quo , she would like some family time without her Nan occasionally , she is very easy going , the eldest understands why Nan here and is ok with it to a degree, would have a negative opinion of anything and everything.

It is hard going , but I still want to keep things as they are for a little while longer , I will call the other homes tom. Maybe I need a break for a short time as I am struggling to entertain Mum, I am in the wrong mindset , I do try everyday to start in the right frame of mind ,I’m not cruel or mean or anything I just sometimes go quiet. Thank you @Starting on a journey , a plan is starting to form in my head, a name on the waiting lists will give me some breathing space , a word with Mary to see if she will do a weekend, (if we can ) failing that respite for 2 weeks , not sure how I will sell it to Mum as it’s hardly a lovely hotel , plus she needs a Covid test first . Thinking out loud here but Mary will be the best option. That is the reason we hired her ! Thanks again for all your help and support and advice . It helps hugely .
@jennifer1967 I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked as well as hoped :confused: fingers crossed the Gp can come up with a better solution . Take care x
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,774
Yorkshire
You’ve certainly not let anyone down @Woo2 far far from it and if your mum went into a care home for respite or permanent then you’d still be caring for her. But I know how hard it is to get past those feelings. 🤗 I’m still struggling and not best person to give advice but I don’t think anyone could do or have done more than you and nobody should ever feel let down by you. Be kind to yourself and realise what a gem you are and how wonderful you have been and will continue to be if/when your mum moves to a care home💕
I think looking into things and having things ready in background is a good idea, you can know you’ve done your homework and won’t need to rush round when you do get to stage where need care home. In meantime try not to beat yourself up for thinking of it, let your feelings out on here if you don’t want to do it at home, and try to sneak a few bits of time for you, hubby and kids in those times when mum is at DC, with Mary or in bed 🤗🤗🤗
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,711
Bedford
Pleased to hear that your Mum is still going to DC - is it still 2 days a week? I think you said your Mum got really tired but perhaps has adjusted again.
Also glad to hear that Mary is still around to give you a break. Crossed fingers she can give you all a short break or even just a day out together.
I am sorry to hear that hubby is struggling and it makes it harder on you when you get pulled in 2 directions. Making sure you don’t get pulled apart yourself is the really difficult part. I know my situation was different to how yours is, but my OH used to get not quite cross but funny with me sometimes. Now I can see he could see how much it was affecting me mentally and that was stressing him out. If hubby is self employed is he also worrying about work.
I am glad that you have a sort of a plan as burying head unfortunately does not work. I think contacting the other care homes again is a good idea. You don’t have to take a place but perhaps it would also help hubby that there is a plan in place when needed.
Such a difficult time and difficult decisions to make and on top of this you have all the impact of Covid 🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
@annielou , thank you so much , you are so kind . We have always known that we would have to keep talking and may have to adapt , that mum would eventually go in to a home , I would like it to be a calm transition not be overwrought . I am making plans now but it feels so bad doing this behind her back , I did speak to her friend today and have their full support which helps me enormously . Have just had a good talk with hubby , he is pleased that I spoke to home, think he realised I am taking his views seriously he says it’s a really nice care home not fancy or super smart like the others I contacted but good care and the residents were always happy and smiling when he had been in there, he says there is no rush but we have a plan and that’s good enough for now . Feel better now , though when I think about it a lot the guilt monkey returns . Shall need the stick in time .
Thanks @Bikerbeth , Mum still doing the 2 days and Mary still here , just got to cajole her to do a little longer as she seems to not l ow what to do if weather bad and they can’t go out but Sunday she did ok . You hit the nail on the head , hubby is like that as I have been getting stressed , he does feel better now.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,774
Yorkshire
You aren't doing it behind her back @Woo2 it's just your mum isn't up to discussing it and deciding with you so you're doing it on her behalf. X Glad you and hubby had another chat and feel better now there is a plan ready. Also glad your mums friend has given you their support too, though I'm not surprised they have as it's right thing X You tell that guilt monster to burger off it's not needed🤜👊

🤗🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
Well I have been a very silly billy , only myself to blame here , on Saturday while Mary was here she was asking questions about extended family , I started talking and managed somehow to get on to a rather unkind person and was explaining about the many cruel things this person had done to my wonderful in laws , Mum mooched in and was looking perplexed so I said “ oh you did lovely things to help negate the unkindness didn’t you , Mum then said sshh she’s coming , confused I looked to see where mum was looking and it was my daughter walking up from the garden , I quickly said no mum that’s not T that’s F and she is lovely and kind , conversation was ended and we got on and did something else , since then Mum is glaring at daughter , ignores her if she speaks , gives her the look , other daughter and I are on a charm offensive , getting F to take Nan lunch , cake , to smile at her and say hi Nan , here’s a cake etc , Mum just blanks her and glares . How on earth do we get past this ?! I’m guessing Mum doesn’t remember why she is annoyed but remembers a bad feeling .
Called Gp earlier as there are becoming more issues at DC , each day there seems to be something , Mon mum said that a lady there is stalking her , the other day it was a woman annoying her , following her . Gp said maybe we could give an anti psychotic to head off a crisis but he referred me to crisis team ,they rang earlier and said mum isn’t depressed as she is eating and drinking ok so no increase is Sertraline , she isn’t bad enough to need anti psychotics so ring them if I need help or support . He asked if I felt at risk and I said no , that I can normally calm her down . Maybe I said the wrong thing . He says obviously her dementia is getting worse .......really ! I worked that out myself , will check her for a UTI in the morning . He says I am lucky she goes to DC twice a week and eats and drinks well . She has though refused ice cream 3 times this week and seems to be off with her favourite granddaughter . I am feeling like I’m treading water. Maybe I am over reacting and mum will get over issue with my daughter but as she is 20 stone she could easily overpower her and it worries me enough to now not want to leave her alone with Mum . Just over analysing everything amd wondering wether to drop a day at club or drop it all together , though I would struggle to entertain her constantly , but not sure if it’s the issue at club that is making her worse , she isn’t aggressive , def seems a bit paranoid and agitated . She is hardly urinating at all during the day , considering she has about 10 drinks a day , she gets up virtually every hour in the night , she comes out to bathroom and if anyone is out here she will go back to her room so hubby is having to go to bed early so she can come out and go to bathroom . She takes her pj’s off and puts bra and undies on and he is like a rabbit in headlights . Feel we are on a downward spiral and time left with mum here with us is rapidly coming to an end . Having to balance everyone’s needs . To be honest things were like this for dad for a fair few months even a year or more before he died , they were barely talking and mum was spending days on end in her room in a huff with him over something he was meant to have said or done and Mum has been falling out with people left right and centre for a few years , it’s hard when it’s my child though as she lives here too and it’s upsetting her enormously , I have lied to her and said I think Nan is having a struggle to remember who she is , maybe a huge error but I don’t want her to know her nan dislikes her intensely .
 

Hayley JS

Registered User
Feb 20, 2020
195
Hi @Woo2, just reading through your thread and seeing what a tough time you're having. I'd love to give words of comfort or wisdom, but I'm rubbish at that stuff. You know it's not your daughter your mum dislikes, but who she thinks she is, fingers crossed she will forget the feeling soon. Oh, and at the point your Dr used the word 'lucky' I think I would have decked him!!! 🙄
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,774
Yorkshire
I don't think what you said to daughter is a lie, I don't think it is her that your mum dislikes, I think your mum is just confused and mixed up. I think it was a good way to describe things to your daughter. All I can think of is to keep trying to show your mum who your daughter is and that she is nice, It is so hard for you trying to look after everyone.
I'm sorry the crisis team wasn't much help. I think if they were ones dealing with things they may see things differently. Your mum seems more confused and unsettled, it's worth checking for a UTI but as you and crisis team DR said it's very probably the dementia progressing. I wish I had some useful advice, hopefully some wiser people will be along later with suggestions x 🤗 🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
Thanks @Hayley JS , good point about it being who mum thinks she is , has made me feel a little better . Hmm I stayed friendly as I may need him in the future but really they have no idea !
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
Thank you @annielou , it helps hugely ,Just having others opinions helps reevaluate . Hubby is great and offers opinion but always says “you know more than me or it’s your Mum you do what you think is right “ We will continue trying to engage mum with daughter , I’m flummoxed though that she is not wanting ice cream , that’s been my secret weapon for ages .
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
500
I am wondering if that line in the sand is being crossed?
Maybe there are people at day care who walk and pace around or follow her? People have various symptoms.
Maybe it will settle, maybe daughter will understand...lots of maybe in this. Sorry nothing constructive just a lot of sympathy and understanding
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
Thank you @Starting on a journey , much appreciated. There is a lady that likes to walk constantly , she does push mum’s buttons for some reason, I find her lovely but can see why it annoys mum . Daughter was already struggling with Nan being here and being poorly , so it needs careful handling . The line has been crossed for two of the four people here , we will carry on for now .
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,035
Hi @Woo2 , please don't think it's your fault that your mum has fallen out with your daughter. It may well have happened about something else.
I am concerned that lines have been crossed for two of the four of you though, specially as your daughter really can't do anything about it. I know it would be drastic but your husband could leave if he left strongly about it, as my father in law threatened to leave over his mother in law forty odd years ago. Your daughter doesn't have that option, and like my husband it could well be storing up resentment against you that will come out in later years. I think your first priority should be to your daughter, and though it is tough I would be seriously organising at least some respite care for your mum.
Obviously I'm not you, and you may be seeing a way through this, but I know how difficult things are when you are in the thick of it all. Thank goodness you have Mary and the Day Care, even if the latter is a bit of a mixed blessing.
{{{hugs}}}
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
Thank you @Sarasa , I am aware how much of an effect this is having on all of us now , I thought it was manageable and it was , it is now becoming harder for all , and I do actually believe that it would be best for mum to be in a nice home . Her name is down on waiting lists , they don’t have any vacancies at the moment , only one place has . Hubby and I are talking every night and this morning he said we will not do anything until after Christmas unless our hands are forced. We did consider respite but like i said no vacancies and we don’t really want to send her to somewhere she won’t be going to stay potentially permanent . I realise I do have to put hubby and girls first now , mum was an equal priority but not now sadly . Hopefully as we are talking to them often and asking how they feel and having some time with them alone that they can go on a bit longer and not feeling too bad . Daughter is quite easily upset about a lot of things so it’s not solely mum but it is a factor . Thank you for your help , support and experiences it is very much appreciated . :)
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,035
Glad you understand @Woo2, I thought I might have been sounding a bit tough. I'm pleased you've got potential places lined up, but I agree you want to go with a place you are happy with unless a crisis happens and you have to take whatever's there.
I know when I was dithering about trying to support my mother at home, which was becoming more and more tricky, or move her to a care home under false pretences, posters on DTP were brilliant at showing me how vain my hopes that we could stagger on for a while were and that I should use the opportunity (work being done on the outside of mum's block of flats) to just go for it and move her.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,987
South East
You were honest @Sarasa , I appreciate and respect that and if that’s tough then so be it , It’s what’s needed sometimes . Hubby is great but he will not go on past his limits , and he is talking to girls privately too , he will not let me go on until I drop or anyone else so I am confident in that respect , it’s the actual hands on every day decisions that he has no experience of and that’s where I am questioning everything . I will have a chat with lovely DC staff tom to gauge how things are there , but I don’t think they are worried , they are experienced and can deal with any outbursts . I am glad I have Mums name down , I hope it’s a planned move and we are tentatively planning for next spring unless things spiral . I couldn’t do this without Tp and it’s fantastic supportive knowledgeable honest open members . Thank you all .
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,273
Southampton
it must be hard with three generations in the same household let alone your mum with dementia. sounds like a constant worry of getting the balance right between all of you. its good that your husband is looking out for you and its easy to lose sight of yourself.