Full time Carer to my Mother now for 5 years

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Helen

Hi Helen

Yes I do feel better than I did yesterday - thank you.

The sun is shining too and that makes a difference.

Mum hasn't come downstairs as yet - but have heard her up nd about so am making the most of an hour or two.

I'm a cat lover actually - and not really religeous but I saw that little poem in a Reader's Digest and loved it. Glad you did too.

I noticed in someone else's thread earlier the following which I thought was lovely ...

I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.`

And of course there's the very popular ...

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
oher times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you."



My grandmother always used to say "Do unto others as you would be done by".[/I]

Mary
 

zonkjonk

Registered User
Mar 1, 2007
290
Melbourne, Australia
I have 2 god/dogs in my home

but I could only attach one image,my oscar now 8 years old
we have 2 black/white staffies...one male one female....bella and oscar.
they are part of our family.
I love dogs, and Readers digest...loved the dog/god poem, I havent read that before:)
 

Attachments

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Here we go again !

Hello again all you lovely people. I suppose I'm writing here because i need to vent my frustration once again.

I have a male friend due here on tuesday from Norway - for a week. Purely a platonic friendship and Mum has met him several times during the past couple of years - and accepted him strangely enough. However on thursday I 'overheard' a 'phone conversation between Mum and her sister. When Mum was asked if she as pleased that I was going to have some company - she said she was delighted.
However - yesterday Mum stayed in her room all day. I asked if her she felt ok - took up her meals etc. She just gave me looks that would kill. This morning she was in the kitchen when came down and went to walk out as soon as I walked in. I asked her what on earth thematter was - what had I done ? She then went for me - attacking me physically and verbally saying that she wanted me out of the house; she didn't want a stranger coming (she knows Web and likes him and I know she's trying to ruin my 'looking forward to seeing him' as it's always the same. Anyway after she'd had her hands around my throat it was my turn to walk out of the room. I went and sat in the garden - crying of course (without her seeing).
Now today - she's still in her room again. I went in earlier ad asked if she was getting up - her response was that she wasn't going to all the time I was here.
What am I supposed to do ? Put my arms around her etc like I usually do; I can't leave her; my whole weekend that I had planned - doing jobs i.e. cleaning and making the house look nice I now just can't be bothered. I have no enthusiasm and I feel worthless again.
I tried to call my aunt because she understands - but of course she was out. I can't keep bothering my friend so here I am sat here in front of this computer writing to you.

Hope you're making the best of your weekends

Hugs

Mary
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi KatsWhiskers

It must be very upsetting for you, to have your mum behaving like that. It sounds as if she's afraid of losing your undivided attention when your friend comes, and is trying to get you to put him off.

I can understand your lack of motivation to do anything. Some people turn to activity when things go wrong, but I'm afraid I'm like you, and don't feel like doing anything.

I think all you can do is try to stay calm with your mum. Let her stay in her room. Offer food, but don't get upset if it's rejected. Refuse to discuss the visit, but don't on any account cancel it. If she is abusive, just walk away.

I'm not speaking from personal experience here, but I have watched the carers in John's home deal with similar situations, and staying calm and ignoring challenging behaviour seems to be the answer.

Please try to enjoy the rest of your weekend, and look forward to your friend's visit. I'm sure your mum will be fine if he makes a bit of a fuss of her.

Good luck,
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
For Hazel

Hello Hazel

Wow - those words are so true - thank you.

I was speaking on the 'phone to my friend - and he has advised exactly the same as you have. (Not that he knows about the things she said about him !).

I managed an hour in the garden in the sun - but now it's clouded over. That hour was bliss - the birds were singing and it was so peaceful.

I will do what you suggest. It isn't easy as I feel so desparately sorry for her hiding under the bedclothes like a mischevious little child. Still all part and par of this dreadful disease and worse to come.

You have a good weekend !

Thank you - thank you ! Hugsssssssssss
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
ing.

I think all you can do is try to stay calm with your mum. Let her stay in her room. Offer food, but don't get upset if it's rejected. Refuse to discuss the visit, but don't on any account cancel it. If she is abusive, just walk away.

I'm not speaking from personal experience here, but I have watched the carers in John's home deal with similar situations, and staying calm and ignoring challenging behaviour seems to be the answer.
Yes now that is good advice . Don't let your mother wind you up or control you physiology . Your in your 60s so I can't
Understand how she still keeping a hold on you mentality .

she must be picking up on some Vulnerability in you because your living in her house.

They say that God only help those that help themself, so if you don't help yourslef no one going to do it for you , & we are not a Dog that just let people walk all over us , even if you turn the word around God & it make a Dog .

I must say my mother sounds just like your mother , even down to not being a person that use to like to Socialize with people .


I know full well that if any attempt is made to remove her and put her into a home - I will never see her again. She will die or she'll never forgive me.

This sounds so unreal I know - but its fact.
I think if there's two of you i.e. sisters; you husband or partner; family - then it must be easier for at least one of you can escape for an hour or two.



Anyway - I've given up on 'a life' - I'm 62 now and have 2 failed marriages behind me so I hope - although this might sound cruel - I hope that her heart gives out before she gets to the 'Home' stage and that I will have a few years left to make up for the time lost. Hope that doesn't sound selfish or un-caring.
I hope that her heart gives out before she gets to the 'Home' stage and that I will have a few years left to make up for the time lost. Hope that doesn't sound selfish or un-caring.
Your joking your mother sounds to strong willed like mine she go on into her 90s & your be in your 70s so tried out with caring that your never make up for all the years of caring , because they in the past dead & gone, it does sound like your mother draining all your energy no wonder you have no motervation left

However - yesterday Mum stayed in her room all day. I asked if her she felt ok - took up her meals etc. She just gave me looks that would kill.
she just may be scared that your time is going to be taken up with this man as your her main carer . I hope she does not intimidate this man; he stands his grand with your mother. Observe her behavior when his around in the house compared to when she just with you .
 
Last edited:

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Thank you Marguarita and others

Thank you for the very sensible advice.

My Mother hasn't always been like this. I've been married twice and she;s lived alone quote happily for years until she was diagnosed with AD. At the time I was in the modsr of a divorce and had to make a decision as to where to settle and thought it would be the best thing to do - to look after her.
I didn't think of what would be involved.
I didn't think how long it would be for.
I had no idea she would change as much as she has.
Most importantly - I didn't reckon on her refusal to have help from others.

Yes ! I know I must think of myself too. But you know when it's your own mother (whom we onbly have once in our lives) it's so difficult not to do the best you can for her; feel sorrow; and understand that these dreadful symptoms can't be helped. I must admit I'm sure she's mischevious - but I can't take the risk. If I decide that I will go out shopping and leave her - I will be thinking of her and what she may be capable of doing all the time. I'm not as confident as I was driving now either. So I tell myself that my life is on hold.
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,725
North Derbyshire
Dear Kats Whiskers

Phew, I am exhausted just reading about your plight. What a wonderful woman you are to have coped with this for so long.

How long is this going to continue? It really isn't a life for your or your mum.

I am really hesitating to make my suggestion, I almot hate myself for even thinking about it, but you really have to get your mum into a care home. How to do it? Gulp. I can't do this. Yes I can, for YOUR sake. You have found a new partner, he is a wonderful man, you are moving in with him next month, mum has to be looked after and a home is the only possibility. There, I said it!

Though I do wonder how your mum will take to being in a home at all. Perhaps tell her that you and your new man are having a trial period together, so the home is only temporary.

Hey I don't know, but hey, you deserve a life. You aren't abandoning her (fortunately your new fella lives in the locality - or you could even lie and say he has agreed to move to your area so that you can still see her regularly).

I think you have to do something pretty soon, or this is going to be the rest of your life.

How awful for you. My suggestions are probably not going to be acceptable to you, I appreciate that. But one day.......

Much love Kat

Margaret
 

SusanB

Registered User
Jan 15, 2008
155
Hove
Hi Mary

Sorry to be blunt - but you're not going to do anything, are you?

All your responses have been "yes, but" and it seems that you're doing as your Mum (who has a severe mental illness) tells you, ie ordering people out of the house etc. You have received some great suggestions but won't accept any of them - this is not right. You're important in this life and deserve care, support and assistance - above all, you need your own life but don't seem to think you're of any worth...Sorry, I said this was blunt.

I can pick up genuine concern and alarm from every single poster on this thread that you simply accept your lot and won't consider help as your Mum won't like it. As mentioned, your Mum has a mental illness and sometimes one needs to be "cruel" to be kind, as you are now the adult in this situation.

Your Mum may well scream and holler when people visit - mental illness or not, she knows that she gets her own way when she does this and you go along with it. Why? I know you won't do this but why on earth aren't you getting tough with her, ignoring her screaming and getting appropriate care for her? Of course she's going to order people out of the house - she's ill.

My own Mum has VAD and sometimes I need to be "the parent". I hate this, but doing as I'm told is no longer appropriate.

Anyway, these are strong words to you.
 

ishard

Registered User
Jul 10, 2007
98
You know that not only is there 'informed consent' from a patient there is also 'informed refusal'.

This is when a patient cannot follow through what happens with the decision they have taken about their treatment, this is clearly what is happening with your Mothers decisions.

Your Mother is not making sensible choices about her health and welfare so its up to you to remind SS that they have a 'duty of care' towards your mother and YOU.

There are medications that would make your Mothers life and yours easier, as violence is NOT acceptable in any circumstances. Talk to her GP without your Mother being present, the GP has to talk to you as her carer, the NICE guidlines for him say so! Your Mother is delusional so do something!

Why the heck do you stand there and allow your Mother to put her hands around your neck?
Tell me what would happen if your Mother squeezed your neck? Dont allow this.
There are techniques to defend yourself such as whirling your arms in front of you so she cant get a grip. You deflect the reach.

But has already been said, you arent going to do anything as its easier to be the 'put upon daughter' or the 'good little girl'.

I wish you well but this will only get worse for both your Mother and yourself if you dont act.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,138
Kent
Hello Mary/KatsWhiskers

I have just read all the posts on this Thread.

I cannot identify with the violence but I can identify with your allowing your mother to call the shots.

It is only since I have refused to allow my husband to have his own way in everything, that I have been able to gain some control over disagreeable situations. I think one way round your problem would be to try to reverse yours and your mother`s roles.

You may be mistaken when you write and think of her as a mischievous child. Perhaps she is more manipulative than `mischievous`. You are being a wonderful daughter in the care you are giving your mother, but there is a possibility that the more you give the more she will take.

I would not indulge her behaviour. I would try to let her know, in no uncertain terms, mother or not, you will not tolerate her outbursts. As soon as she starts, I would walk away and go into a different room and tell her you will not speak to her until she calms down.

The physical violence is an entirely different matter. This is unacceptable, mother or not. For this I`m afraid I would seek some medication. She doesn`t have to be `zonked out`, just calmed down, and I`m sure as a doctor`s daughter, you know what`s available.

My husband takes an anti-depressant which is also a sedative. He was prone to severe anxiety which led to wandering during the day. His anti-depressant was adjusted to include a morning, as well as an evening dose, and it has really made a difference.

My husband is also against having outside help. I care 24/7 as you do. I understand that getting respite care would probably increase your stress rather than reduce it, it is something in your make-up. But you are entitled to a life.

If you are able to moderate your mother`s behaviour, you might eventually be able to introduce outside help. That is what I am working towards.

It might not be in time for this weekend, but it could make life better for you in the coming months.

Take care xx
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Margaret & Susan

Margaret - I will never put my Mum in a home until the time comes when there is no option. I've been here 4 years now.
As I've mentioned before part of Kent has one of the the worst reputations for Care Homes and we're constantly reading about the neglect and abuse patients undergo.

Susan - Am not making excuses and I'm soft I know. But Mum is my responsibility - and she is a one off. I'm not prejudice because it's my Mum - I'm stating fact. She's a lady; has always been proud; self conscious and shy; but most of all she's a very private person and doesn't find it easy to mix - and thats when she's lucid.

There are times when she is lucid and I can manage that; it's the tantrums and the violence - but of course she has no idea.

I'm very sensitive and believe me I know what I'm doing is right at the moment. All I want is respite and I have Social Services coming in a couple of weeks. I doubt for onbe moment that Mum will agree to there being someone here whilst I pop out for a couple of hours - but am going to try.

I appreciate what you both say - but I'd never forgive myself is I just dumped her in some dreadful home - especially under force and lieing too. I wouldn't be able to sleep.

Happy sunday to you

Mary
 

amberence

Registered User
Mar 15, 2008
28
Barton upon Humber
Hi Kats. I can certainly relate to your situation, caring for my mother with Alzheimer's. I've only been caring for her full-time just under a year now, which seems a lifetime. You have my total respect knowing how you feel and going through. I love my mum yet at the same time resent her taking my time and liberty away being a single person with previously, so many interests to fill my time and day with. Now its caring, caring and more caring, therefore decided to take action, time-out. Last week made arrangements to have some respite care, mum going into a care home for a week where step-father is. Though felt guilty at the time doing this, looking forward to it now, having a week away from caring ... and if can give you some advice, this is what you must try and do.

Keith.
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Hello Keith

Am so pleased for you that you're getting a break and hope you have a relaxing time.

Unfortunately my Mum refuses to leave her home. She's always been like this - loves her own bed - and of course stubborn. This is why I've mde contact with Spcial Services in the hope that perhaps they can persuade her.

It is difficult yes and doesn't seem fair to us or our Mums.

Every best wish to you


Mary
 

Alison K

Registered User
Mar 29, 2008
24
london
please get help for yourself

Can I just point something out and I dont mean to be brutal but if you:) had for example an RTA and were hospitalised your mum would have to accept help whether she liked it or not. You have a life too and need a break, arrnge the respite and as cruel as it sounds walk away for the break. Threats are a form of control, dont let her control you, without you she would be in a home so get out and get help. First stop GP for antidepresants as you are very depressed and need help and possibly counseeling. You've had some brillaint advice by members here and can't see the woods for the trees. Please get help NOW . Much love Ali K
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Hi Ali

Yes - I've often thought about that myself and even mentioned it to Mum when she's lucid. She responded by saying that "they'll have to drag her out" or "that she'll do herself in". She's extremely difficult and although I'm as soft as they come - I'm hardening.

Some of the things she accuses me of upset me terribly - and I walk away and sob my heart out. Now though I try to let it go in one ear - and out the other but it still hurts and ruins yet another day.

I hope your situation is better than mine.

Kind regards

Mary
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
My Mother hasn't always been like this. I've been married twice and she;s lived alone quote happily for years until she was diagnosed with AD. At the time I was in the modsr of a divorce and had to make a decision as to where to settle and thought it would be the best thing to do - to look after her.
I didn't think of what would be involved.
I didn't think how long it would be for.
I had no idea she would change as much as she has.
Most importantly - I didn't reckon on her refusal to have help from others.
I to also after an end of a relationship thought why not look after mum so that just what I did.
I also did not know what I was letting myself into .

I didn't reckon on her refusal to have help from others.
Nor did I :rolleyes: I told my mother I need help in helping me to help her I remember a massive argument I had with my mother after she keep bugging me to go out with her while I was dead tried from working a night shift , she would not wait till I had a few hours sleep
I got up walk out of the house saying I am never coming back just walk out .now thinking about it where was I going to go I do not know, but I went to a friend’s house let all my frustration out on her, she just listen then I went back home my mother welcome me with open arms I was amazed while she keep say don’t leave me please.
Then I realized how vulnerable she really was, how really she had lost all control & all power she was clinging on to it. Your mother can’t make you feel like anything. Its you’re feeling, it’s your grief.
All she doing is triggering a feeling emotion in you. Your mother has a mental illness not you. Don’t feel sorry for her or yourself or you’re going down the road of self pity & all your doing is crying and not taking control of the situation I know I have been they .

You got to tell your mother you can’t help her any more, can’t help her around the house or do the shopping you have to turn the whole situation in what is happening on to you. For her to expect help
Don’t say to her it’s YOU that making me feel like this , keep the You word out of it ( even if you feel she is ) Say social services are coming around to help ME , but they want to talk to both of you . Tell her you both need time apart from each other, so would like someone to sit with her at home to give her company while you go out shopping. If she won’t accept that, ask her would she like to go to a day centre as she must be bored being in the house alone.

If she won’t go to day centre, you’re going to have to arrange something with social service to make
Safe the Gas cooker or any electrical equipment in the house.
My mother also try to get hold of her medication do it herself it just ended up all over the place , you need to put it in a cupboard with a lock , ask Social services if they know of a handy man that can fit one for you ,also ask SS if they can get a someone to help you with the cleaning , like that your mother well get use to someone coming into the house , you could arrange for the cleaning to come on the days you want to go out shopping . ask Social services that you want someone to sit with your mother, but as she very challenging to you , you think its best that you tell your mother that this woman is a cleaner, may be social worker can arrange for One woman to clean your house also keep an eye on your mother for a few hours, while you pop out do what you have to do.

Don’t tell Social services your mother is difficult woman just tell them she has very challenging behaviours. So in Your carer assessment they offer you load of support at home. They always a way around it in getting help for you in helping your mother live at home as long as possible.
Respite would be a great way in your mother getting to know what a care home is like , but I know from reading your post she not at the stage , because she must be scared . Not all care homes are bad.
I know you know your mother not capable of living alone if you went away for a week, but if you said to your mother you’re going on holiday for a week. What would be her reaction?

Would she say she can cope alone? Because if she said No don't go don't leave me alone (like my mother did) even thought mum ask all my kids would they say with her. I said to my mother I have an emagancey need to go abroad she can’t live alone. So please don’t worry you’re going to care home for a week & I’ll phone you up every day. Lucky for me mum agreed & when I pick her up she learn to trust me more. Even thought she never like it she do it for me she said if it make you happy
 
Last edited:

citybythesea

Registered User
Mar 23, 2008
632
53
coast of texas
It's been a few days since I have been able to get on this "thing".* Thank god for the technical knowledge he has given us to bring us all together.* I worry for you.* I have read thru the posts and had a small wonderment go thru my mind.* I am not trying to be brutal or mean here but I think that perhaps you need to step back and take a good hard look.* Your mother is sick and she is holding the cards for you.* Your brother is of no help, and I can relate to that. YOU need help and I think maybe there is another place to go for help.* Does, did or do you and your mother go to church?* Or even just you?My suggestion would be to talk to your preacher (pastor, deacon, priest)* So many times they are trained in counselling also.* I think that maybe you need someone to talk to that will be able to help you raise yourself up.* At the same time he/she may be ableto put you into contact with someone who has worked with AD patients or even someone that may be willing to come in and sit with your mum while you get much needed "me time".I hope that the friend you have coming will be able to give you a little of that boost you need.* Please don't take this wrong if you don't get control you'll be of no help to your mother when she will really need you.* I can tell you fromm experience that if you do choose to keep her home it will only get harder onyou -not her.* Right now you need to get control so that you will be better off taking care of her.* I too, understand that a home is not where you want your mum. I feel the same way.* I will take care of mom till the end in my home, it is not easy and if I had had the problem of having a mentally abusive patient it would have been harder.* My mother is happily demented....I guess I got lucky.I do know that she is in the minority with AD patients, but I also know that I am and have been her security blanket for several years now.* Your mum sees you that way but she is not willing to admit it to herself.* Hopefully her GP will be able to help.* There are wonderful medications that help with anxiety and there are also AD medications that help to stablize this disease.* Just please be careful and watch for side effects since your mother will not be able too.I know I"ve been rambling now so I'm going to say that I hope you are listening to what we are trying to tell you and I hope that you find the right answer.* AND HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME WITH YOUR GUEST!!!