Full time Carer to my Mother now for 5 years

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
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Ramsgate - Kent
To All those who have Written to Me

THANK YOU !!!

Big Hugs

Mary

p.s. I have just puta photo up - as I think it's great to be able to see the person one is writing too. Don't think I'm bad for 62 either !!!
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
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75
Ramsgate - Kent
Realisation

It's just come to me that I've in fact 'lost' my Mum ! The way she has from a selfless lady to how she is now is unbelievable and I know she 's going to get worse.
 

Margarita

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Feb 17, 2006
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could see her standing naked at the window with her hands on her hips - laughing. She then went over to my PC and unplugged everything

Your going to hate me for saying this , but please except my apologies before hand , but if my mother behaved like that towards me I would get her section for her own safely & Mine . I know you may never do that .

I am afraid of her. Tomorrow I'm going to call Social Services; our Doctor and her Psychiatrist - as I refuse to go in in this situation.

I do hope you carry that out , your mother does seem to need more help then you can give her , we not trained in that field of
Psychiatrist . so getting your mother section would get her all the menial health assessment she needs for medication , or not.
PS

Have you ever thought of sheltered accommodation? if your mother did go into a NH & they had to sell her house to pay the fees, Or if your mum does not want to go into one , if they never do a assessment on her mental heath .

As my friend who 62 went into one she was living with her in a mother council house , she could not get a council house for herself , because she she was not allowed to put the flat in Joint name with her mother, when she moved in with her mother after a devoice. her mother also had a dementia she left leaving her adult son living with her mother . she went into sheltered accommodation, but is still helping her mother, her mother also never use to get on with her boyfriend when he use to stay they, she also would say cruel things to her . She got so fed up with it , so took sheltered accommodation when it came up for her .

could you not put yourself on a waiting list for one ?
 
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KatsWhiskers

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Feb 8, 2007
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75
Ramsgate - Kent
Margarita

Hello there

I promised her that I would never put her into a home. But now - as she is I can see that either she has Private Care at home or is happy in a Private Nursing Home - I don't have any alternative.

At times she's lucid. Then I wouldn't dream of it. It's really die to the fact that my friend was here and I think quite honestly she was jealous so now she's doing all these things to spite me.

Gee what a life. I don't want to resport to Sheltered Accommodation or a Council House. I've given Mum 5 years of my life and don't see why I shouldn't have something in return.

Am wondering whether she will be able to change her will (as she has threatened to do) to remove me as beneficiary in favour of a charity ? Does anyone know please ?

I don't have Power of Attorney - something I wish I'd had done years ago and would uggest that anyone else in my situation should do the same.
I handle all her phone calls and paperwork.

Mary
 

Margaret W

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Apr 28, 2007
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North Derbyshire
Hi Mary

I think she will be able to change her will if she wants to, and is deemed to understand what she is doing. I would keep quiet about it if I were you.

Love

Margaret
 

ishard

Registered User
Jul 10, 2007
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If your mother is sectioned or in an assessment unit then she doent pay anything towards the costs.

I would keep a diary of her behaviour so you can show her psychiatrist
 
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Helena

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May 24, 2006
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Kats wiskers

If only you were near me i could give you a monitor

However join your local freecycle group @yahoogroups.com and post a WANTED ad and someone will for sure offer you a monitor

Freecycle is a fantastic way of getting rid of things you no longer need or vica versa

I truly sympathise with your predicament

The sooner your Mother is properly assesed as a "mental case" the better because then she cant change her will plus because the house is also your home they cant rip it away from you to pay for her care
 

Margarita

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Feb 17, 2006
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Kats wiskers I can understand your predicament , but please try not to perceive your mother illness , as a mental case like Helena said , because as you have said in other post your mother never use to be like this .

She got brain damage now, she can’t help it, I am sure she trying to manipulate you with the will, so she can control you, even thought you perceive it as its horrible in the way she behaving towards too she is a scared elderly woman . She needs you more then you need her.

If she was really a mantel case she have no insight how much you are only caring for her, because of the house. She must know if it was not for the house you would not be looking after her.
She must have some insight where you’re coming from, because otherwise she would not be saying she going to change the will, give it to charity .

As you say you promised your mother you’re never put her in a home that must be coming from because you want the reward of keeping the house, your mother must know this , she not stupid .
Ask yourself be honest with yourself would you of care for your mother if she never own her own home,
If you want to keep your word keep your mother out of a NH & you want to keep your family home.

The best way forward is getting your mother mentally assessed on her mental heath.

The social worker can do a mentally capability test on her in her own home to see if she can make her own diction.

So like that if she did change the will, you can contest it when the time comes, saying that when she changes the Will she was mentally incapable at the time she done it .
 
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SusanB

Registered User
Jan 15, 2008
155
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Hove
Hello, Katswhiskers

I've read your post with increasing alarm and dismay and as you know, I've already posted a pretty harsh response a couple of weeks ago - although I don't apologise for this, as many have backed me up and I think you're coming round to the inevitable - you have my sincere sympathy.

You're right. You have in effect lost your Mum to dementia and are already in the grieving process for the person she used to be. I would not put up with the verbal and physical aggression and neither would many on here and you must be aware that as long as you put up with it she will carry on doing it. Her brain is no longer working and I think that you understand that.

I'm so sorry but your Mother needs to be sectioned in some way and the care taken away from you. I don't know how you are going to do this but please make some effort to start this and KNOW that you will have the support of all of us on here. Dementia is truly terrible and robs people of dignity, sense, intelligence and personality. You Mum is probably not aware of what she is doing, however as soon as she took a metal stick to a valuable piece of hardware that should have somehow closed, or perhaps opened, a door somewhere in your mind.

You deserve a life. Your Mum needs care. Please would you post back and tell us that this is on its way?

My best wishes to you - and I really mean that.
Susan
 

SusanB

Registered User
Jan 15, 2008
155
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Hove
Sorry, forgot

Also..I doubt very much that she will be able to change her will. Remember the old adage about being "of sound mind and body"?

A lawyer will realise and recognise her dementia straight away and will not process the request, or change the will.

This, assuming that she is even capable of being able to make an appointment.

Also...I'm sorry that you had such a dreadful time when your friend came to visit but in truth, I guess you suspected that this would be the case.
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
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Suffolk,England
Also..I doubt very much that she will be able to change her will. Remember the old adage about being "of sound mind and body"?

A lawyer will realise and recognise her dementia straight away and will not process the request, or change the will.


Although this MIGHT be the case, I wouldn't bet on it! Many of us here know at first-hand how our loved ones can 'raise their game' in the presence of doctors, social workers etc. and make the carer seem like a wicked liar!
 

jenniferpa

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Jun 27, 2006
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I'm afraid I agree with Lynne. Testamentary capacity may exist even when someone is clearly suffering from dementia: it's all about degrees. I wish I could be more reassuring about this. The only "good" piece of news is: in the event that she had to go to a nursing home, the house wouldn't need to be sold as 1) you're over 60 and 2) you gave up your home to care for her. I've been wracking my brains about this, but as far as I can see sectioning would be your only realistic hope.
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
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75
Ramsgate - Kent
Susan

Good to hear from you again - thanks.

Today was the last straw. I came down only to find every plug pulled out of the Tower and cables cut. (With the help of a neighbour he's set me up so that I can type this - albeit on 3" of monitor !) .

In the afternoon I sat out in the garden - and she came up behind me and hit me across the back with her metal walking stick and then when I turned around - she put her hands around my neck and said she was going to kill me.
I screamed for help and a neighbour jumped over the fence and came to my rescue. He spoke very softly to Mum and she completely changed from an evil looking monster into a charming child.

I phoned Soc Svcs. They actually said there was nothing they could do as she had refused amy help. Not sure what they meant as they only came to access her last thursday. I was astonished for all they knew I could be dead if I was left without any support. They explained that it was a matter for her doctor and psychiatrist and that she nneded to be tranquilised. If I had any further problem then I was to call the police.

I went up to bed at midnight and can't sleep. So thought I would come down while things are still in my mind and type a report for the doctor. I have kept a diary thankfully and numerous have been exchanged.

I honestly am not prepared to carry on like this. I am now literally living on my nerves so first thing am going to be at the doctor's surgery with the report that I'm about to write.

Thanks again Susan and others that I havn't mentioned.

Mary
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
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75
Ramsgate - Kent
Margarita

Are you aware that my mother is suffering from middle stages of Alzheimers which is a mental illness ? Only am a little uncertain as to what you're saying.

Would also like to point out that I didn't leave my home tp move in with my mother. I'd just divorced and was left with nothing and she invited me as is a 6 bedroomed house and there's loads of room. It is a known fact that I'm to inherit the house - my brother (who has disappeared off the face of the earth) was well provided for in my step-father's will - but believe me If I could live on my own knowing that I'd done my best for my Mum even if I was in a room with a cardboard box - I would be far happier than I am now. I am not living here so that I get the house - as you suggest !
 

SusanB

Registered User
Jan 15, 2008
155
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Hove
Good Luck

I hope it all goes well with the GP.

You are now in physical danger from your Mum (I was horrified to read your last post) and I'm sure that you will make your case forcefully, to have your Mum sectioned in some way - sorry, I don't know the legal details of how you'd do this.

It must be devastating to be on the receiving end of so much hate, even though you know that she can't help it.

Your Mum needs full-time care elsewhere.

Please let us know the outcome?

Susan
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
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75
Ramsgate - Kent
Monday

Thought would let you know.

I called our Doctor at 8.30 and he has just been to check her over. She was utterly charming to him but ran me down the whole time. Even ran my friend down (who was here last week)which quite frankly is none of her business.
Doctor is going to see what the Psychiatrist has recommended and get back to me later.

I spoke to her Psychiatrist who was going to call the doctor and suggest some more medication i.e. tranquiliser.

I have to see Social Services tomorrow to complete the
assessment on Mum.

Earlier I thought I would break the ice and went up to see how she was. She wasn't in her room so I called out asking where she was. She replied from the lavatory "what do you want to know for you bitch". I then said I was going to do your hair for you but not now if that's your attitude.

In the meantime I'm here shaking like a leaf having been unablee to sleep all night in fear that she would start hitting me or worse and not knowing what I'm going to do next. I know I can't carry on . I also wonder what help this tablet will be ?

I feel so grateful that you are here - all of you - as you're all lovely people.

Hugs.

Mary
 

Margarita

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Feb 17, 2006
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london
I am not living here so that I get the house - as you suggest

I never suggest it , you said it yourself . you wanted something in return


Gee what a life. I don't want to resport to Sheltered Accommodation or a Council House. I've given Mum 5 years of my life and don't see why I shouldn't have something in return.


Look I am not hear to argue, judge or Criticize why your caring for your mother , I am hear to help give advice from my own Experience in caring for my mother who also has very challenging behavior's , like you mother has .

Margarita
Are you aware that my mother is suffering from middle stages of Alzheimers which is a mental illness ? Only am a little uncertain as to what you're saying.


Yes I am aware that your mother is suffering from middle stages of Alzheimers

what I am saying is that its YOUR attitude that has to change towards your mother , your conforming her to much , your challenging her , in doing that your going to wind her up more & its only going to make your life harder in caring for her .

Earlier I thought I would break the ice and went up to see how she was. She wasn't in her room so I called out asking where she was. She replied from the lavatory "what do you want to know for you bitch". I then said I was going to do your hair for you but not now if that's your attitude

I then said I was going to do your hair for you but not now if that's your attitude

Your mother does not have an attitude she got brain damage is losing all social skills .

Try not to challenge her back , when she rude to you.

In the meantime I'm here shaking like a leaf having been unablee to sleep all night in fear that she would start hitting me or worse and not knowing what I'm going to do next. I know I can't carry on . I also wonder what help this tablet will be

Do you feel like a Victim? does read like that . empower yourself. lock your bedroom door if you feel so much fear from your mother hurting you .

Tablet will control her emotion fear worries that is being controlled by the brain damage of the diseases AZ .that is giving her the confusion that your seeing .

You can have the attitude that she doing this all on Purpose to get at you .

Or
you can have the attitude that she can't help what she doing because she has no control of herself mentally, because of the brain damage that is happening in her brain .

Someday she seem like normal other days she have very challenging towards you physical, abusively verballing.

That what it like caring for some people with AZ . Not all people with AZ are like that .


Would also like to point out that I didn't leave my home tp move in with my mothe

your find that jenniferpa said that .
so you should of highlighted her name out also addressing it to her not I


1)jenniferpa you're over 60 and 2) you gave up your home to care for her. I've been wracking my brains about this, but as far as I can see sectioning would be your only realistic hope
 
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Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
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london

Am wondering whether she will be able to change her will (as she has threatened to do) to remove me as beneficiary in favour of a charity ? Does anyone know please ?

This is what I was on about, also .

I had more time today, done this post in another thread .

If you don't get my point . I can' be bothered any more to explain .



Mental Capacity Act 2005 Code of Practice (2007 Final Edition)
Code of Practice to the Mental Capacity Act 2005

Author:
Department of Constitutional Affairs (DCA)
Publisher:
TSO (The Stationery Office)

Mental Capacity Act Code of Practice (2007 Final Edition)

The Mental Capacity Act 2005 creates statutory provisions to empower and protect vulnerable people who lack the mental capacity to make their own decisions. Issued on 23 April 2007, the Code of Practice provides guidance on how the provisions of the Act will work on a daily basis for those caring for, or working with, people lacking mental capacity.

The Code is important for professionals - such as doctors and social workers - but family, friends, and unpaid carers will also find it helpful. While certain groups of people are legally required to have regard to the Code when acting or making decisions on behalf of people lacking capacity, those who are not legally required to have regard to the Code are still encouraged to use it as a good practice guide.http://www.tsoshop.co.uk/bookstore.a...trackid=001581
You do not need to get someone section any more to find out if you feel they lack the mental capacity to make their own decisions, to go into a care home or not .


All you have to do is get a social worker to do the test on them , then if they do not pass the test they do on them , they will class as Lacking the mental capacity to make their own decisions in they best interest , you can legally put them in a care home for they own safety, if they like it or not .


( in your case , you mother changing her will )

but you have to get the test done on them .

They where going to do it on my mother , but I did not like the social worker . So am going to get another SW to do the test on her .

They can do it in such a way , that the person will not know its been done on them . They only do it that way , if the person very challenging would get very distressed if they new it was being done on them .


The Law has change now , you don't have to wait till a crises happen , unless you let it get to that point .


Law are changing from how if was in the past . If we carer don’t empower ourselves with this knowledge, read this New act a lot of venerable people with dementia are going to suffer due to lack of neglect.

Why force someone to be section. When they can have the same quality of testing that they do in a mental health unit in they own home , that what this act is is about . To stop a crises happening, so they have to be section.

Read it for free hear .

http://www.dca.gov.uk/legal-policy/m...-cp-plain1.pdf



Read this part , What does it mean when it talk about best interest, then look at what is the best interests principle and who does it apply to
 
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KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
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75
Ramsgate - Kent
Margarita

I would assume that by the grammatical errors and your spelling mistakes in your messages - that you're not English. So maybe I misunderstood you or perhaps even you didnt understand me but I'm most certainly not a grabber nor a golddigger as you infer and take umbridge at being accused by you.
I would prefer that we didn't communicate any further Margarita and thank you for your advice.
 

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