Full time Carer to my Mother now for 5 years

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Lynne

Thank you Lynne - very thoughtful of you.

I did read it actually - but you know that lady has a husband to help her and her Mother seems to want to do things - not just hide away and see no one.

I wish (as I said to another writer) that you had met my Mum and then you will see jus what I mean about her being a 'one off'.

Guess what ? I'm going to Stansted tomorrow to pick my friend up who's coming over. (Mum actually allows him in the house!) this will entail my being out for anout 5 hrs. I rang our GP today ans asked what he thought. He vertually gave me permission to go and to leave her. He knows her well.

Thanks again Lynne

Best wishes

Mary
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,087
Kent
Dear Mary.
If you can be away from home for five hours once, you can do it again. Try to get some time for yourself, have a little break away from the home. This is what I do and it really helps.
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Citybythesea

Hi

Thank you so much for your message.

Mother refuses to have anyone 'sit with her' !

We used to go to Churh years ago as are RomanCatholics - but not for the last 30 years. Mum doesn't have any friends - but that's been her choice.

I have have just replied to Lynne's message telling her that I'm being allowed by our GP - to leave Mum for 5 hours tomorrow so that I can go up to Stansted to pick up my friend. I know while he is here - she will not play up to me ! So yes am looking forward to tomorrow and his visit.

Thanks again for your kind words

Mary
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
Suffolk,England
Mary, I hope your friend's visit is very enjoyable for you both, you certainly deserve a break! And as Sylvia said, if you can escape once for half a day, Mum will survive it if you do it again.

Sincere Best Wishes
 

ishard

Registered User
Jul 10, 2007
98
Catswhiskers I owe you an apology as I dont walk a mile in your shoes so cannot possible know what you are going through and how your Mother is on a day to day basis. Im sorry.

The reason I think we have replied to you generally in the way we have is that we have all been there and HAD to get tough to deal with our loved ones.

You WILL come to a point where you just cant take it anymore and HAVE to get tough like we all do, eventually.

Please keep posting we can help and ease you through the hard times.

Hugs

Ish x
 

Alison K

Registered User
Mar 29, 2008
24
london
have a nice break

Dear katswiskars, have a lovley time with your friend. savour your freedom for a while. i do hope you get this situation sorted for both of you. I feel for you. Enjoy yourself love Ali:)
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Having a Friend here for the Week and the consequences

Gee what a week.

Day 1. My friend arrived and Mum came halfway down the stairs to greet him. I thought 'thank God - she's going to be ok'. We went out for an early evening drink and when we returned - she'd locked us out of the house ! My friend had to climb over a wall and break a small window.

Day 2. Mum decided to stay in her room and asked that I let her know when we went out so that she could come downstairs. She chose to stay in her room all the time we were in the house - which made it uncomfortable. During the past 2 years that I've known him - she's been fine with him but now because her illness has worsened - she's taken a dislike to him.

Day 3 - 7 The same - we went out for a couple of hours. I took up meals to her. Asked her to join us etc.

During the week she said dreadful things about him to me; so much so that it made me feel she was envious that I had someone who cared for me; someone with whom to have fun with and company. It was as if she resented it - and made it her job to make the week as uncomfortable as she could for us.

We were accused of creeping around the house.

I went and fetched her Pension from the Post Office (it was 2 weeks because of the Bank Holiday) and then had to drive back home to pick up the camera as we'd forgotten it. So my friend said he would run in quickly and fetch it so I asked that he put the money on the kitchen table - as didn't want to have it on me. When he came out he looked very disgruntled. She had been in the kitchen (not expecting us to come back) so he put the money on the table and said 'here is your 2 weeks pension Mrs D...'. She picked it up and threw it at him.

On friday evening I went up to her witrh her dinner and she threw it at me. I tried to talk to her - but it was a hopeless task as her TV was up so loud. I asked her to turn it down but she refused.
I came back down and we were just going to eat - when she burst in with her metal walking stick and proceeded to smash my monitor. My friend said 'You can't do that' - she said "Watch me !"
So here I am now - my friend has gone back to Norway and I don't
suppose will come back again.

Thankfully Social Services were due to arrive this morning - unbeknown to Mum and in fact when the doorbell rang she was down in the sitting room. So I took the 2 ladies in who introduced themselves and she got up and ordered them out of the house. Anyway to cut a long atory short - she ended up sitting on the floor talking to one of them for an hour. Insulted the other one and was quite adamant that she wanted me out of her house and that she is going to remove me from her Will and leave her house to Charity.

I am very sad. Not about the house but that it's come to this. It really is an impossible situation now - total loss of communication and if we do try to speak to one another Mum becomes abusive and violent and I really can't take anymore.

So that's been my past week. Considering Mum has refused any help from anyone and won't let me have people here am surprised that she accepted my friend - but as I said she ruined it. Not that I would let her have the satisfaction of knowing it. He's a lovely man - kind - considerate - a gentleman and we didn't even share the same bed. But she told Social Services that we were lovemaking all day and night !! Gee I'm 62 and don't think I could manage that and it's not a physical relationship. He's a friend - a companion. Or at least he was !

My monitor has about 3 inches of space that I can use. Can't afford to replace it so should be thankful I can write this.

Goopd wishes to you all.

Mary
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,087
Kent
Oh Mary, what an ordeal.

Was there any outcome of the hour spent sitting on the floor, talking to the Social Worker?

I really don`t know what to say to you. Only you can decide if you are prepared to tolerate this abuse for an indefinite future.

Have you thought about the possibility of medication to moderate your mother`s behabviour? I know it`s a drastic step but it might help you.

I do hope others will have better advice for you. I`m just dreadfully sorry but stumped.

Take care xx
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Hello Sylvia

So nice to hear from you again - and yes it hasn't been a good week at all. I really am at the end of my tether now and have decided that I need to think of me. Sadly my love for mUm has turned to hate and I'm sure it's mutual and neither of us can carry on like this.

The hour that the lady from SS spent talking with Mum was really listening to Mum reminiscing about the olden days. She did try to persuade her that she did indeed care for me and didn't really want me to leave. She was running down my friend and saying that she had no intention of leaving any money nor the house to me.

Right now I feel like throwing myself of the cliff as I really
don't know what I'm going to do. My ex-husband left me without
a penny. Mum has been good to me - yes - but I have been here
for her for almost 5 years without any respite. It's all very
well my friend coming here - but I do so need a change of
scenery.

Have a nice evening

Mary

Gee I wish life was easy
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Mary

I'm so sorry your friend's visit was spoiled. It should have been so good for you to have some companionship.

I think Sylvia's right, and medication may be the only solution. I'd ring your consultant's secretary and ask for an emergency appointment, you can't go on like that.

As for the friend, I'd write a nice letter and say how sorry you are that his visit was so traumatic. That you really value his friendship, and hope that this won't spoil it.

Please keep in touch, I'd like to know how you are getting on.

Love and hugs,

PS Mary, I've just read your reply to Sylvia. I know how desperate you feel, but please don't throw yourself off a cliff. You're much too valuable for that.

As for a change of scenery, that might not be such a bad thing. Why not take yourself off for the weekend? Your mum might then realise how much she depends on you.

As for the SW, she sounds like the proverbial chocolate teapot! I think the consultant is your best bet.
 
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KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Skye

Hello Skye

Mum is already on all kinds of medication for heart problems - arthritis - depression and of course Aricept.

I've had enough Skye. She wonders around at night because she imagines she has visitors - so it's the nights I worry about leaving her.

Im really not in a very good situation financially as have my car to sort out in June i.e. Road Tax; Insurance; Service & MOT - all rather difficult to find on a pension of £100 a week - as have direct debits to pay too.

I know you all mean well and I know all that you say is true but I really can't take anymore verbal or physical abuse. Believe me if i left and went into a hostel I'd be worrying myself sick about Mum. If only she was like other people and excepted help; if she had friends it would help; if she could be reasonable and approachable it would help.

Communications have completely broken down now - and I certainly can't live like this.

Thanks for your response and for caring

Mary
 

Tired_MariaUK

Registered User
May 5, 2008
18
England
KatWhiskers,

Oh boy can I relate. When the insults start coming at me I feel like hitting the road and never coming back. She has no idea how much of life I've given up. And I'm so drained. I understand where you are coming from and feel for you. I would insist on having help. You must get out and have a social life for your own sake. One day she won't remember or know any of this ever happened. But, you'll still be around paying the mental, physical and emotional price for it.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Mary

You sound so desperate, and I do understand how difficult this is for you. When I uggested medication, I was actually meaning something stronger, such as an antipsychotic.

I know there are differences of opinion about their use in dementia, but as a short-term measure they can be very helpful. If you can impress on the consultant how desperate the situation is, he may take your mum into an assessment unit to get her stabilised. This would give you a much-needed respite, and your mum would be cared for. Please try.

In the meantime, please stay in touch, and if you're as desperate as you sound, please ring Samaritans. You will find their local number in your phone book.

No-one will try to talk you into anything, and you'll be completely anonymous, but you'd find it so comforting to talk to someone who cares.

Please stay in touch.

Love,
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Hello again Skye

I hadn't thought of antipsychotics - but Mum saw her psychiatrist 2 weeks ago - which was when they contacted our doctor so that he coulds refer her to Social Services. The idea of this appalled Mum as she is such a private person.

SS actuallymade a 'cold call' visit today and if you read my previous threads you will see what happened.

She point blankly refuses to have anyone in the house; is adamant that she will not leave her home and demands that I leave.

I just wished she had friends - someone to talk some sense into her.

Thank you for your concern. Have already phoned the Samaritans - they just listened and the person I spoke to had no idea what it was like to be a Carer to a person with Alzheimers so really was a complete waste of time. How can they possibly relate ?

Sorry - just feeling so frustrated and in limbo right now.

Mary
 

Sandy

Registered User
Mar 23, 2005
6,847
Hi KatsWhiskers,

Sorry, I am trying to catch up on your thread and you might have answered this question earlier, but do you, or anyone else, hold a power of attorney for your mother?

Take care,

Sandy
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Hello Sandy

No. A few months back my aunt suggested i to Mum and it was agreed that I would have Enduring Power of Attorney and I even downloaded the forms online. But she wouldn't sign anything. Now of course it would be a hopeless task in the state of mind she's in.

I keep thinking to myself 'why do I deserve this when all I've done is to give up 5 years of my life to care for her only to be met with this hatred from her?'

Mary
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Mary, sorry I abandoned you last night, I was called back to John's CH.

I'm also sorry Samaritans weren't helpful, their training is very comprehensive -- at least, it was in my day! But I suppose it varies from area to area -- or even Samaritan to Samaritan. There's no harm in calling again, you'd get someone different if you rang at a different time. They don't keep records of callers.

I hope you're feeling a bit better, please post and let us know you're OK.

Love,
 

KatsWhiskers

Registered User
Feb 8, 2007
153
74
Ramsgate - Kent
Sunday

Last night Mum came to me and said she couldn't do anything for herself and could I please do her hair for her (I wash and set it eveery week). I said that I would do it this morning.
I got up and went into her bedroom (she was sitting up doing the crossword in today's paper) and I asked if she would come into the bathroom now to have her hair done.
She got up - so I went into the bathroom and waited - and waited. I then went back to her bedroom and she was on the floor sorting out papers. She looked up in surprise and said "why are you creeping about - you look like a ****** elephant standing there".
Instead of ignoring her - I retaliated and said "o.k if you want to throw insults at me - I'm not doing your hair!".
I came down and she followed. I went into the kitchen to put the kettle on and she picked up a dishcloth and threw it at me saying I was a bitch and a horrid person. I took my coffee outside into the garden.
I could see her standing naked at the window with her hands on her hips - laughing. She then went over to my PC and unplugged everything.
I just ignored her and after 2 hours - have just come in as was so hot and she is now back in her bedroom.

I am afraid of her. Tomorrow I'm going to call Social Services; our Doctor and her Psychiatrist - as I refuse to go in in this situation.

No - I don't have anywhere to go if I leave this house nor do I have any money. I live on my pension and £40 extra for careers allowance.

It's a beautiful day and I so wish I could relax and enjoy it. I feel selfish after reading others' messages - I really do.