Frustration

[MW3183]

Good morning
I’ve had to give up work to look after both my parents, mum has Alzheimer’s late onset and dads just crossed the line into dementia, waiting for retesting.
I’ve just had to start mum of tranquillisers to help with sundowning and she’s on her 3rd company of carers as she can be quite a handful.
Why does she now eat with her fingers half the time and is it worth the arguments to get her to use cutlery?
I know this disease changes her but she’s doing things she would never have done. She was the matriarch of the family and now I have to watch someone I looked up to and love be this person she is now.
She’s called me every name under the sun, accusing of everything under the sun and not talking to her. When I try she totally blanks me and refuses to talk.
I hate it, it breaks my heart to see and know that there’s nothing I can do.
This last 18 months has been so difficult, physically and emotionally. And I know it’s only going to get worse.

 

[SAP]

Hello @MandyW3183 , you will find lots of others here having a similar experience and plenty of support.
Personally I wouldn’t have a fight about using cutlery, my mum tends to eat with her hand or a spoon. Just make sure her hands are clean if you can.
It is so hard to see that strong woman becoming unrecognisable, I look at my mum and feel like I don’t know her anymore. Someone on here mentioned the need to enter the world of dementia instead of expecting a person with dementia to remain in ours. The arguments are just not worth the energy and keeping the peace is and you have a lot on your plate. Have you thought about having a carers assessment, they get mixed reviews but you have a right to one.

Carer's assessments - Social care and support guide

See if you can get support from your council, such as extra money or a break from caring.

www.nhs.uk

 

[MW3183]

Have had a carers assessment and mum has a key worker now. Lots of promises for support/help but not much has appeared atm. Have asked for restbite but they want to try day care to start, but again, you have to keep onto them.
It’s not worth the arguments, you’re right, it’s just seeing her like that. We’d never be allowed to do the things she does now, but then dementia takes you into another realm. Just have to get use to it and adapt thinking to the situation. I know it’s not going to get better, she’s going to get worse but it’ll be sad to remember the fun loving woman she was and how she’s become.

 

[Jale]

Hi @MandyW3183, for what it's worth you will never win an argument with a person with dementia because they cannot understand listening to reason. I learnt (very often the hard way) what battles to pick when I
was caring for Mum. She is now in a nursing home and eats most of her meals with her fingers. She can use a spoon but has lost the capability of using a knife and fork. There is special cutlery and if you have a google you will find them - Mum sometimes uses a spoon that has a larger soft grip handle .
Like your Mum, mine was always very strong willed and it is heart-breaking to see her behave like a naughty and very irritating child. She has become aggressive, verbally and physically, and before she went into the home I was accused of awful things, I've lost count of the number of times I would go home in tears, but sadly there is not a lot you can do about it other than try and grow a thick skin and ignore it.

You will find many people here who have gone through or going through a similar journey, and I know it helped me a lot to know that I was not alone.

Take care