Financial query

[hollycat]

This whole situation seems to be causing you a lot of upset and I feel very sorry for you being in this position. I have just re-read the whole story from start to end.

I find the decision making as an outsider comes down to:

1. Pay the bill yourself

OR

2. Pay the bill yourself from mums account.

If you pay the bill from mums account it will upset her. If you pay the bill it will upset you.

So, who do you want to upset ?

Hope this helps ?

 

[Jancis]

Hi Poster,
Have you read milomia's thread "elated and shocked" - it might just help you put your mother's reactions into perspective. Here is the link http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?40298-Elated-and-shocked

 

[poster]

This whole situation seems to be causing you a lot of upset and I feel very sorry for you being in this position. I have just re-read the whole story from start to end.

I find the decision making as an outsider comes down to:

1. Pay the bill yourself

OR

2. Pay the bill yourself from mums account.

If you pay the bill from mums account it will upset her. If you pay the bill it will upset you.

So, who do you want to upset ?

Hope this helps ?

I will pay the bill from my own money. I have no choice. I understand what people are saying and that I can pay from my mums account, but it will upset her too much so I cannot do it despite even her social worker telling me I have every right to do so. My mum has calmed down now. I have just phoned her. She is vey well aware that this lasting power of attorney is for me to act in her best interests if and when her dementia deteriorates and she can no longer look after herself and her finances. ie she no longer has the mental capacity to undestand how to shop or pay a bill. She says she trusts me not to take money from her account unless and until it is absolutely necessary and she does not feel it is necessary for me to extract the fee for the solicitor out of her account. I will just have to go along with this for the sake of peace and quiet. My mum however is moving to a new room in her care home and they have told her that her telephone line cannot be taken with her and that she will have to pay to have a new line installed. My mum informed the care home manager that she has enough money to pay for the new line which I think is about £100? I think what it boils down to is the fact that if my mum spends £300 out of her money then when other things crop up like needing to pay for a new phone line or buying a new tv and dvd player she feels she still has money to do these things. She could easily come to me and say she cannot afford to pay for the new phone line but she is willing to pay for that herself and she was willing to pay for a new television and dvd player... so I guess I cannot really argue about the £300k and I have agreed to pay it off in two installments of £150 each out of my January and February wages from work which the solicitor is more than happy to let me do.

 

[hollycat]

A wise friend told me years ago to

MAKE A DECISION whether it is wrong or right....just make one !

I am really pleased you have made one. It has been a really difficult one for you to make and I have every respect for you reaching and making your decision.

It is. YOUR DECISION and nobody can take that away from YOU.

my very best wishes to you x x

 

[Jancis]

Poster,
Just wanted to add that I have great respect for you and think you are a wonderful daughter.
Best wishes
Jancis x

 

[poster]

Poster,
Just wanted to add that I have great respect for you and think you are a wonderful daughter.
Best wishes
Jancis x

Yes but in the eyes of my mother I am not such a wondeful daughter because I do not visit her as often as other residents sons and daughters do. She does not understand that it is expensive to visit and I lead a very busy life and I also need my own holiday. I also do not live near to her.

 

[geum123]

Hi Poster,
Glad that you have come to a decision.

One thing I did think of.........
You really should know what your Mums precise financial position is and request duplicate bank statements.

1. To make sure she is getting all allowances that she is entitled to.
2. To ensure no one is taking advantage of her.
3. I think I remember you saying she was self funding.
When her money drops below a certain level you should notify the local authorities.
I think it's below £23,000 or thereabouts (others will be able to give more accurate advice.)

Kind regards,
Geum.x

 

[nitram]

You have at last made a decision and also got a 25% discount of the solicitor combined with zero interest credit terms - well done!

As has been said you are going to have to come to terms with the effects of your mother's dementia - irrational behaviour, anger, accusations,... - just look at other posts in this forum. I know it's difficult but the sooner you do this the sooner life becomes more bearable.


The LA contribute to the cost of a care home if the resident has less than £23250 of capital, between £23250 and £14250 the fee payable reduces by £1 per week for each £250 of capital, at £14250 there is no fee payable. I suggest that you check with the social worker how the LA monitor capital and what proof/documentation they require of expentiture, this way you may avoid any nasty surprises in the future.

 

[Saffie]

Yes but in the eyes of my mother I am not such a wondeful daughter because I do not visit her as often as other residents sons and daughters do. She does not understand that it is expensive to visit and I lead a very busy life and I also need my own holiday. I also do not live near to her.

If you read other threads here you will understand that that is the demential talking, not your mother. One of the things that fades soon into the disease is logic. No amount of explanations from you re. the above nor, in actual fact re. finances, will be acceptable to your mother becaus that is what demential does to a person. Good luck.

 

[poster]

Poster,i'm sorry you're having such a bad time.

I visited my mum every day in her care home,and she would say 'why haven't you been to see me for months?'

Thinking of you.

It is not all bad. Sometimes my mum is very with it and can make coherent decisions, like she decided for hersef that her previous care home was not very good and found the new care home all by herself by looking in the phone directory and phoning care homes in the area to see if they had a vacancy. It was my mother who decided that since she was blind on one eye, she would benefit from a care home for the blind so she contacted the RNIB and said to them "do you have care homes" and they said yes and that is how she found the one she is in now.

But then again, she was not very good at Christmas. I never know how she is going to be and although as stated above, she can make coherent decisions at times, I fear that perhaps these bouts of coherent thinking and decision making will become less and less until they are no more. I hope for her sake she doesn't deteriorate. With her dementia, the main thing is memory loss. When I was with her over Christams, she introduced me to the staff. The next time she saw that same staff member, she would say "Oh hello this is my daughter" as if it was the first time I met them, but she had completely forgotten that she had introduced me to that person an hour ago.