Feeling down and exhausted

[ChaiTea]

Hi

Somehow I've ended up with my ex-husband aged 64 yrs lodging with me.

I just find it so frustrating and difficult to grasp that he is unable to understand that there is anything wrong with him.

A nurse came 6 weeks ago to do some tests, we've only just received her report which gives 21/30 on mini mental and 69/100 on the Addenbrookes cognitive exam. The report concludes that he declined further assessment (well he would do since he doesn't believe there's anything wrong) that due to the steep staircase my home is unsuitable and that we're being referred to the 'See and Solve' team. No mention has been made of the word 'dementia'

I just don't know what I'm going to find when I get home from work anymore - faeces smeared all over the bathroom then walked through leaving a trail to his bedroom, the front door left open, the electric oven left on (I turn the gas supply to the hob off overnight and when I go out). Then there's trying to get him to get washed and dressed. It's totally exhausting and a major bullying session to get him to wash and I'm not always successful. I'm going to try again tonight since it's now been three weeks again since he last showered - not funny when he's had more toilet accidents.

Part of me feels guilty that I'm not checking what he's taking of his medications - high blood pressure, statins, diabetes 2 etc - he's previously ,had a heart attack and a stroke, but part of me feels why should I? I've had decades of aggressive mental and verbal abuse from this man before finally having the independent financial means to be able to divorce him and yet I've still ended up unable to escape from him due to the emotional blackmail exerted on me by my sons.

Feel like I just want to cry and cry and cry

 

[lexy]

deleted

 

[Owly]

ChaiTea....welcome to the forum though I'm sorry that you're in this situation where you needed to come for help and support.

It sounds as if your ex is well down the road to dementia, or some kind of mental illness and behaving in ways that no-one should have to accept, and especially not the person who has been at the receiving end of his previous verbal and mental abuse.

It is an excellent fact that your house is deemed unsuitable, as it will mean that a decision should be taken quickly about where your ex can be placed (in care, I mean).

To speed things up, you could phone up your local Social Services elderly care team, ask for the Duty Manager, and explain the situation in all its details (emphasizing all the dangers) and that you are not prepared to look after your ex any more. No-one has the right to make you do this, and not even your sons. Don't forget they have half his genes. Do not let them give you this emotional abuse.

As for them, how old are they? Do they have a home where their Dad could live with them for the minute? I'd be inclined to take him over to their house if possible, and simply leave him and say "this is enough, your turn". Do not be a pushover. Make sure he/they don't have your front door key!

Take photos of the mess as proof to show anybody. It sounds thoroughly disgusting and unhygienic.

He may be ill, but you do not have to accept this. Be strong.

(((((hugs)))))

owly

 

[Kellie-Ann]

It is better to cry then keeping it all in i learnt that the hard way. Can you also ask your sons to help as well


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[ChaiTea]

Thanks for your responses - it means a lot just to know that someone has listened to me.

One son lives in a house share and the other who is often away has a one bedroomed flat. Ex-husband has no assets of his own having lost everything when he went bankrupt. The council totally ignored that he was a vulnerable person and put him in a hostel in a pretty rough area - not good when he was still inclined to wander out late at night with his wallet in his hand to buy fizzy drinks or use cash machines. So my eldest son (34 yrs) immediately took him out of there and asked if I'd take him in temporarily and that was six months ago now. He took his dad to see his GP just before Christmas to get the referral for the nurse to come and do a home assessment.

I don't really want carers coming in when I'm not here and I don't want my home turned into some sort of geriatric unit either.

Does anyone know what this See and Solve team he's being referred to is or what they do?

Thanks
CT

 

[cobden28]

If you are no longer legally married to this man, and the reason you divorced him was because of mental abuse, then why do you feel you are obliged to act as a career for him?

Tell the local social services department that he's no longer anything to do with you and that you are not prepared to act as his carer any longer. Say also he has no assets of his own to pay for his own accommodation or care, and there are no family members who are willing or able to be his carer.

 

[Lindy50]

Hello ChaiTea

I am so sorry you are in such a dreadful situation, after all the hard work you put into successfully extricating yourself from an abusive relationship

Your ex is no longer your responsibility, in any way, shape or form!! You have been more than generous in allowing him to live with you for the last six months. Does your son realise what is happening and what problems he has landed you with?!?

I do feel that if possible you should talk to your sons and agree a united front, ie that your ex cannot live with you, and that he has to be found suitable alternative accommodation. ( I do appreciate that you do not want him to live in unsuitable lodgings, and without the help he obviously needs).

So....either together with your sons, or just you if necessary, please contact your local social services and request an urgent assessment for your ex. He has health problems, is homeless and needs support. He is extremely vulnerable and at risk. You simply cannot and should not be expected to try and provide him with both a home and high levels of care.

Go for it, ChaiTea Get the authorities involved and do the best you can for this man now, which is to get him appropriate care. This will, I believe, be best for both of you.

Good luck

Lindy xx

 

[Lindy50]

Me again!

Just to say that where I live, the See and Solve Team is mainly staffed by occupational therapists. They come out with a view to putting in place 'quick fix' solutions like stair rails and ramps, to make a house safer for the occupant. This is of course in some ways the last thing you want, as your home is not your ex's home.

So think long and hard before you let them organise anything!

All the best

Lindy xx

 

[LYN T]

Sorry I'm going to be tough here!
Why are you doing this?
It's tough enough being a carer to someone you love and have had a previous good history with. You are not obliged to be a carer-and in your position I wouldn't be either.
Withdraw your services now. Phone Social Services. Tell them your Ex is a vulnerable person. They may place ex in an assessment unit to see the extent of his problems. You are being sucked in and the longer it lasts the more trauma you will go through.

Sorry I don't mean to be hard but you are no longer his next of kin-I'm just concerned how long this situation is going to go on for.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Noorza]

Sorry I am only going to agree with what has already been said, call social services now and get him out of your home. He is their problem not yours and your sons behaviour seems to not consider your needs at all. It is time for you to consider them and call SS urgently.

 

[Moonflower]

I'm so sorry, it sounds awful. It's hard enough to be caring for someone you really love!

The trouble is, as long as you are providing him with a home and care you are saving social services/the local authority a lot of money. They will therefore try to push you to keep going. So I would be very wary of the "See and Solve" team coming round, or they will provide lots of helpful adaptations to your home rather than tackling the real issue which is that he shouldn't be in your home.

So I think you need to contact social services in writing and point out very very firmly that you agreed to him moving in as a temporary emergency measure but this has gone on for 6 months and you are no longer prepared to house him or provide care.

I know that sounds harsh but this is a progressive condition and he will only get worse.

You could get in touch with your son and explain that you took him in temporarily but 6 months is enough, and that he needs 24 hour care which you cannot provide (even if you wanted to, which you don't) because you are working. Explain that the current situation isn't working and is stopping the authorities assessing him properly and giving him the care he needs.

I'm afraid you will have to be very firm with social services, and I would suggest you do this as soon as you can before you get too tired and worn down to stick up for yourself.

Do keep posting here - people are very supportive. And if you have any friends or relatives who will back you up then do call on them, this is a very difficult thing to deal with.