Empathy/comprehension/compassion NO NO NO!

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Lady M, Jul 26, 2019.

  1. Janey B

    Janey B New member

    Aug 15, 2019
    6
     
  2. Janey B

    Janey B New member

    Aug 15, 2019
    6
    Hi there new to the site and not really sure what I am doing.
    Just read your post and can completely relate to it. My loving caring husband is no more. Feel on the verge of years most of the time and so angry with him. Know it's not his fault but that does not help, just so fed up.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,245
    Female
    South coast
    Hello @Janey B and welcome to DTP.

    I think most of us can identify with this. Empathy is often lost very early on. Today has not been a good day. My cleaner arrived and found me in floods of tears. OH was sitting on the sofa on his tablet totally ignoring me :(:rolleyes:
     
  4. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    I am sorry to hear this but as you can see from other posts, you are not alone in your experiences or in how you are feeling.

    Like Canary says, she was in floods of tears but her OH either didn't notice or chose to ignore it.
    We have been having a rough time too and my husband just doesn't understand what tears mean. We all have good times and lousy ones and they seem to come in clusters. Unlike a lot of people on TP I do get time to myself but I am starting to hate it when I know he is due home. And none of us knows how long we need to endure.

    Welcome to TP and I hope you can find some help by posting and asking questions.
     
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,437
    Female
    Dundee
    Hi there and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry things are so hard for you but I'm so glad you've found Dementia Talking Point. Once you've had a bit five a look round you might want to start your own thread. You'll get lots of help and support here.
     
  6. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    My husband has been hellbent on pushing my buttons in the last few days and last night, I'd had enough and erupted. I said quite a few harsh words. Then I said a whole lot more, mostly about his self centredness and stomped off to bed, not feeling the least bit guilty.

    This morning, he makes the big announcement that he is going to lighten my load by walking the dog. Except if it is cold or raining then I will have to take her! Of course I should have thought of that one!

    Very generous offer except that he struggles to walk for more than 10 minutes and is hard put to manage her. (23 kilos of energetic dog). And I love to take the dog to the park because that is my exercise and we sometimes are out for an hour and I would miss it.

    So nothing has changed and he didn't need any convincing to leave things as they were. So there was all that unpleasantness for nothing.
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,245
    Female
    South coast
    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) @Lawson58
    They just have no idea about their own problems, how things that they do affect us and what they could do to actually help us - sigh
     
  8. Janey B

    Janey B New member

    Aug 15, 2019
    6
     
  9. Janey B

    Janey B New member

    Aug 15, 2019
    6
    It’s true they have no idea what we do for them and how hard it is to support someone who appears not to care about anything let alone their partner. I feel unloved, used, taken for granted and struggle with these feelings. Keep telling myself he can’t help it but after a blow out yesterday he cut the lawn washed up after tea and brought me a coffee in bed ??????
     
  10. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    451
    Mississauga
    Hi Janey B:

    Why do we put ourselves through all this stress?

    Take care, many hugs & lotsa love coming your way. :)
     
  11. Janey B

    Janey B New member

    Aug 15, 2019
    6
     
  12. Janey B

    Janey B New member

    Aug 15, 2019
    6
    Hi dancer 12
    Thank you for your kind thoughts
    Feeling better today x
     
  13. katydid

    katydid Registered User

    Oct 23, 2018
    36
    Hi. Sitting here tonight, aware that my husband needs changing...... he can’t stand or co operate now, and how is it that this always happens immediately after the carers and me have wrestled him into,bed.....
    He has elements of Parkinson’s, so is stiff and seems non cooperative, when in fact he thinks he is helping, on the contrary, whichever I need him to move he resists and tries to push the other way.......
    Tomorrow after a damaged shoulder(mine) he is going into to a nursing home, as an “emergency admission for review in situ.” Due to “carer breakdown”
    Note the quote marks, The emergency was two, nearly three weeks ago, and is only happening now because I have learned a new language, and in fact begun a new career. Social Worker! Pity I don’t get paid for it
    Simply, lack of staff, talk to one person on Monday and on Tuesday. They are on leave or sick or moved
    So I found out about this, I found out who,the funding panel consisted f, I found an available bed, I liased with the nursing home. I repeated the information, the contact numbers, the way to do th8 gs, for example, the funding angel can authorise a draft purchase order at any time, do not have to wait for a particular meeting day, (whilst in the meantime the bed is gone) etc., etc.,
    So success! My lovely husband will have proper care, attention, someone to talk to who won’t end up screaming at him to. “Move, no don t push me away”. Etc etc.
    I won’t hear abuse, aggression swear words that I didn’t even know the meaning of! And that I have never in half a century heard him use, won’t be told to p**** off when offering a brew or be told you never do anything for me anyway...... Our Golden Wedding this year, my birthday today, I am 71. And tired.
    So it’s a win? Is it?
    So why do I fell so sad, and why am I crying?
     
  14. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,245
    Female
    South coast
    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))) @katydid
    Everything always feels so much worse during the night
    Well done for organising respite

    I recognise that thing about him pushing in the opposite direction - I wonder if this you tube clip of Teepa Snow might help
     
  15. katydid

    katydid Registered User

    Oct 23, 2018
    36
    Thank you so much. That was really useful. I will show it to all the people at the care home. !!!!
     
  16. katydid

    katydid Registered User

    Oct 23, 2018
    36
    This. Sounds really lacking in understanding or empathy, but enjoy this time when he CAN do things whether or not he does them!!!
    So much better than when he can do nothing
     
  17. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    Such a weird thing last night.

    We were out for dinner for last night for my granddaughter's birthday. I felt a little sorry for her partner who had to listen to OH 's rambling for quite a while but we all have to expect that these days.

    As we were leaving, my husband stood with my coat ready to help me put it on and made the comment that I looked very nice. Then when we got home, he asked me if I had been to the hairdresser that day because my hair looked so lovely.

    ?????????????????

    I cannot remember him ever helping me with my coat before and even my children looked surprised when he complimented me.

    Of course it didn't last long and everything was back to normal this morning. He kept on insisting that my phone wasn't working properly and I had to fix it because he was trying to call me and it didn't ring properly and it kept on telling him something funny...........................!!!
     
  18. Bee.quilt

    Bee.quilt Registered User

    Dec 29, 2017
    78
    Ditto to all the posts here happy or sad. After washing, clearing kitchen, serving meals, drinks and medication to OH who won’t get out of bed until late evening, all I get is ‘good ere innit ‘. No! It’s only good for some. Then we have the bedtime pantomime when he accuses me of dumping him, not behaving like a proper wife(this after 60 years service) not caring what happens to him, how he’s feeling and what his rights are. I struggle to escape. Lock my door and spend the next hour or more listening to him crashing about in a temper, waiting for him to break in. Good here? NO. I’m including myself in all the hugs on offer here. Virtual is all I’ll be getting. Sorry it’s an unhelpful post. I wish I could offer a solution. Plod on. Tomorrow is another day. (Somebody said that once)
     
  19. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    44
    I bought my wife a note book with the hope she may like to write something into it (never happened), but the cover of the notebook says "Remember the Rainbows not the Thunder Storms". I have placed the book in the kitchen on display and I look at it often.
    We have had four thunderstorms today, where her mood darkened, confusion and hostility rained down on me until I was drenched.
    However we have also had two Rainbows, where she told me she loved me and we had a jolly laugh about something daft.
    This whole thing is so cruel and difficult to cope with - seems totally impossible lots of the time.
    I sympathise with you, think I know what you are going through and from this forum, its pretty clear that we are not alone in our daily endurance course.
    Keep going - I hope you have some Rainbows too.
    Best x
     
  20. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    Something odd is going on and I have no idea what.

    As I mentioned in an earlier post, OH complimented me on how nice I looked at a recent birthday gathering and helped me on with my coat. Unheard of.

    He has recently been having a few tummy problems for which our GP is unable to find a cause, despite a barrage of tests of one kind or another.

    This morning, he tried to tell me that he was feeling a bit glum because of his health problems. During the conversation, he acknowledged for the very first time my own battles with depression during the years I have been caring for him. In the past, he has always said that I shouldn't be so silly, stupid and that all I have to do is 'get over it'. None of which was particularly helpful to me during this time.

    It almost seems as if something is filtering through which I find quite strange. And a little concerning as unknown to him, his brother is coming to Australia from UK as a surprise for my husband's 80th birthday. It's not for a few weeks and I have to be so careful about what I say.

    I know he will be overwhelmed when he sees him. They are staying for a few days and my husband is going to realise that it is highly unlikely that he will ever see him again and I have no idea of how he will handle that. We will be doing a lot of sightseeing and having a birthday dinner, activities with my family so he will also get tired. So who knows where we will be by that time.
     

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