Empathy/comprehension/compassion NO NO NO!

[canary]

Sometimes OH has lucid periods when he has more of an insight into what its like for me, but they dont seem to last that long. my feeling is - enjoy it while it is there although I understand your confusion and its easy to think that you have "got them back"

I hope the birthday celebrations and seeing his brother goes well - dont forget to schedule some down time for OH so he doesnt get overloaded (Im sure you wont)

 

[Lawson58]

Sometimes OH has lucid periods when he has more of an insight into what its like for me, but they dont seem to last that long. my feeling is - enjoy it while it is there although I understand your confusion and its easy to think that you have "got them back"

I hope the birthday celebrations and seeing his brother goes well - dont forget to schedule some down time for OH so he doesnt get overloaded (Im sure you wont)

My husband is still quite high functioning and I think that is what is confusing me. He is out playing bridge four times a week and certainly doesn't need me hovering over him 24/7 as he still does a lot for himself. And though his short term memory is operating fairly well, his long term memory is completely shot. Much of what is said about AD patients doesn't apply to him though the paranoia, self centredness, lack of empathy are the things that have been so destructive in our relationship. For years, he has been quite unable to step into another person's shoes and see their point of view or understand that they might have feelings that are different to his.

His denial of his problems has always been a blocker to any reasonable discussion so in the last couple of years we just haven't gone there. Mostly when he is at home, he is in the study watching TV or listening to music but lately he has been coming into the living room and sitting with me of an evening. It's all quite strange.

 

[Lawson58]

OH, after watching something on TV about a car accident as a result of sleep deprivation, gave me a big lecture about how I shouldn't be driving. I have been a raving insomniac most of my adult life so am usually sleep deprived.

So I told him that was fine by me but that he would have to walk to the doctor's and go and get his groceries on his own, that he would have to catch the bus to go to the cardiologist, podiatrist, dentist, hairdresser etc.

It was amazing how quickly he found something else to talk about.

 

[Juba]

Its so reassuring (tho' sad) to read about how others feel the same as me. I struggle to not feel resentful at having to give up a good job, nice holidays, nights out with friends ...... and instead have to clean, wash, clean, cook, clean, dress........
I've recently started to learn meditation as I'm scared I'll just crack and then he'll have nobody. We haven't got our own family - just a poor dog that suffers along with me! I feel like the meditation is starting to help so I'm going to continue - that little bit of time to just forget and try to keep my mind calm is a real treat. early days and I'm sitting here at the moment whilst my OH prowls around - he's pretty angry at the moment so just staying our of his way....

 

[Annie_M]

I’m glad others are expressing the lack of empathy from their LO I found this so hard to deal with at the start of our journey. It’s still going on of course, 5 years down the line, with little physical deterioration (except increasing obesity and reduced mobility due to severe arthritis) but emotional disconnect has worsened. I feel the problem of loneliness within a marriage of a sufferer and carer is not addressed enough. Keeping busy is my only way of keeping my sanity as I fill my head with thoughts and songs by way of conversation. Anyone else feel the same?

 

[Olive Oyl]

I can identify with all the posts in this thread. My husband is in complete denial that he has dementia and that coupled with total lack of empathy/constant criticism (including the back seat driving!) leaves me at a loss as to how to get any time to myself but very much in need of it. He pours scorn on getting in a person to take him out and about (he seems to think I’m his private tour operator) and on the few occasions when a kind friend has done so I feel liberated.
I have gained some strength from reading all your posts as well as some tips ( just wait till he goes into back seat driver mode again!) and I want to send you all a big hug - I feel quite emotional...

 

[canary]

Hello @Olive Oyl and welcome to DTP. The loss of understanding/comprehension that you have dementia (anosognosia) leading to denial is a really common symptom of dementia, but it is very rarely talked about. It is only on places like this that you will find it discussed. My own opinion is that it is the hardest symptom to deal with, because they wont agree to anything that would actually help them (because there is nothing wrong ). Im glad you have found helpful tips.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I’m glad others are expressing the lack of empathy from their LO I found this so hard to deal with at the start of our journey. It’s still going on of course, 5 years down the line, with little physical deterioration (except increasing obesity and reduced mobility due to severe arthritis) but emotional disconnect has worsened. I feel the problem of loneliness within a marriage of a sufferer and carer is not addressed enough. Keeping busy is my only way of keeping my sanity as I fill my head with thoughts and songs by way of conversation. Anyone else feel the same?

I find the lack of empathy the hardest thing to cope with at times. Dementia takes the normal rule book of life & destroys & rewrites it.
Coping mechanisms which work one day fail the next it seems.
For me....
I have a playlist in my head to accompany my life - weird but it makes me smile especially when caught out having a boogie to my inner playlist I’m humming along to!
Don’t judge til you try it .... dancing about with a silly grin on my face brings a smile to most faces as does my laughter.
It’s better than crying in frustration which is my other option!

 

[northumbrian_k]

I did a silly thing and came off my bike on Sunday just after visiting my wife. I have bruised, possibly broken ribs and am in some discomfort. I tried to explain this to my wife but she did not have the slightest interest ... But when it comes to the imaginary wedding that she thinks we are going to it is all my fault that we are running late!

 

[canary]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) @northumbrian_k
That sounds nasty, please be careful and let yourself heal
The imaginary wedding did cause a wry smile, though

 

[Grahamstown]

This is a sad thread but reflects what we feel as we lose the person and live ‘alone’ with another person, such a cruel and lonely existence, which is difficult to endure when any conversation is meaningless and often plain weird. I have readjusted to this to a certain extent, having lost my companion and love of so many years. It is a bereavement of sorts with the person still alive and present, but in body only, the mind has disappeared.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

This is a sad thread but reflects what we feel as we lose the person and live ‘alone’ with another person, such a cruel and lonely existence, which is difficult to endure when any conversation is meaningless and often plain weird. I have readjusted to this to a certain extent, having lost my companion and love of so many years. It is a bereavement of sorts with the person still alive and present, but in body only, the mind has disappeared.

Oh my lovely, I feel your sadness in your posts. Hence why I’m replying even though I can’t imagine what you are going through. It’s bad enough when the PWD is your parent/s, to experience this with your soulmate must be excruciatingly painful on a daily basis.
I find solace in little things - mainly nature & try to encourage as much wildlife into the garden as possible to the disgust of the lurcher! He’s older now & not so nimble!!!
A squirrel is the highlight of the week !
Simple things - simple pleasures that don’t have conditions attached to them or mood swings!
Bereavement starts with a diagnosis of dementia, & is only understood through the actual turmoil of experiences lived through by those who are closest to the PWD.
I can’t begin to think or feel what the PWD is going through it doesn’t bare thinking of!
Unconditional love is a precious thing so you are blessed in that respect, but it’s a lonely path at times; please know you are never truly alone in this ... we are listening
((((((Hugs)))))))

 

[Lawson58]

Highlight of my week!

My husband has been playing bridge regularly with one particular gentleman who I find to be very unsettling, and who I suspect is showing signs of some form of dementia. OH has been been feeling very unhappy with this man for some time as his game play is at best guess pretty erratic and as my husband is obsessed with the game he finds him quite frustrating.

He has tolerated playing with this man because they both like to go to congresses in other regional centres and most of his other playing partners are elderly and don't like driving outside of their local area. So my husband was taking advantage of this man to chauffeur him to congresses. In other words, he was using him.

This weekend they were playing in another town and it was quite a disaster apparently, certainly not up to my husband's usual expectations. He was disgusted with his days out and has vowed to ditch him as soon as possible.

My highlight came when my husband was complaining that this man had no empathy for his partner, that he doesn't know what it feels like when he has no understanding of what that feels like.. Comments like 'he does'nt Get why it isn't funny when when he laughs at him.

Oh said to me that it feels terrible when this man just laughs and has no empathy or understanding.. I agreed with him of course and made some pointed comments about how bad he feels but of course,I wouldn,t understand that. He looked quite confused when I made that point that yes, of course, I understand because I experience it all the time.

How ironic that he understands empathy when it effects him but,boy oh boy, when ihe understands nothin of empathy when it comes to his feeling it for his wife.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Highlight of my week!

My husband has been playing bridge regularly with one particular gentleman who I find to be very unsettling, and who I suspect is showing signs of some form of dementia. OH has been been feeling very unhappy with this man for some time as his game play is at best guess pretty erratic and as my husband is obsessed with the game he finds him quite frustrating.

He has tolerated playing with this man because they both like to go to congresses in other regional centres and most of his other playing partners are elderly and don't like driving outside of their local area. So my husband was taking advantage of this man to chauffeur him to congresses. In other words, he was using him.

This weekend they were playing in another town and it was quite a disaster apparently, certainly not up to my husband's usual expectations. He was disgusted with his days out and has vowed to ditch him as soon as possible.

My highlight came when my husband was complaining that this man had no empathy for his partner, that he doesn't know what it feels like when he has no understanding of what that feels like.. Comments like 'he does'nt Get why it isn't funny when when he laughs at him.

Oh said to me that it feels terrible when this man just laughs and has no empathy or understanding.. I agreed with him of course and made some pointed comments about how bad he feels but of course,I wouldn,t understand that. He looked quite confused when I made that point that yes, of course, I understand because I experience it all the time.

How ironic that he understands empathy when it effects him but,boy oh boy, when ihe understands nothin of empathy when it comes to his feeling it for his wife.

That’s a humdinger!
Sending a (( hugs)))

 

[canary]

Yes, it is terribly ironic isnt it @Lawson58 ?
My OH can now only understand things in relation to him. If I am ill he is very concerned, but not because he is upset for me - he is upset because I cant do things for him. Everything revolves around how he is feeling and how things affect him and he doesnt see how he affects other people.

Sorry, its been a bad week

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Yes, it is terribly ironic isnt it @Lawson58 ?
My OH can now only understand things in relation to him. If I am ill he is very concerned, but not because he is upset for me - he is upset because I cant do things for him. Everything revolves around how he is feeling and how things affect him and he doesnt see how he affects other people.

Sorry, its been a bad week

Sounds like Aged Mother, keeps asking how I am feeling?
You really don’t want to know Mum .........