1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Empathy/comprehension/compassion NO NO NO!

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Lady M, Jul 26, 2019.

  1. Lady M

    Lady M Registered User

    Sep 15, 2018
    276
    Female
    Essex
    #1 Lady M, Jul 26, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 26, 2019
    Just a few words would be nice!...I suppose that’s all most of us wish for......like everyone else I am hot...exhausted...breathless....and just plain *********! No sleep, whilst OH slept like a log....two loads of washing done...breakfast done...drying and some ironing( only essentials!) shopping delivered and put away...when I sat down and went ‘oh dear’all he said was...’ what’s up with you, moaning again’!
    Give me strength not to explode....!
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,839
    N Ireland
    I empathise.

    I once tried to explain why I was so knackered to my wife but quickly realized that she was forgetting what I was saying as soon as it was said. The blank stare is hard to take and it does increase the feeling of loneliness when it's a spouse that has the dementia so you can't just walk away and pick up a conversation with others when the chores are done.

    All I can do is send a virtual ((HUG)).
     
  3. silversea2020

    silversea2020 Registered User

    May 12, 2019
    81

    But you have to remember, the memory is non existent ...not their fault!!
     
  4. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    114
    channel islands
    big hugs completely understand frustration - all I got today is "well you do nothing for me!" If only!
     
  5. jenniferjean

    jenniferjean Registered User

    Apr 2, 2016
    371
    Female
    Basingstoke, Hampshire
    Agreed, it's not their fault. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier. All I get from my husband is "yes dear" in a totally uncaring voice. I'm doing everything for him and having little time for myself. So yes, I feel I could explode at times. Thankfully we can come on here and explode.
     
  6. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    515
    Scotland
    Big hugs from me too.

    After hubby had asked me many times what my name was he said "Oh that's my wife's name but she's never here" (We've been married for sixty years.)
     
  7. Gladys1946

    Gladys1946 Registered User

    Feb 17, 2019
    23
    I can so empathize with everyone. I'm totally exhausted today and the future just seems so bleak. I went for a run first thing instead of with my usual running club. It took me all my time to put one foot in front of the other. I could have wept. Then drawing back curtains and they collapsed on me. Silly little thing but it just floored me. Out with daughter for a break, OH decided he would come too. Then tells us he'd been to the Police Station to ask them when they were going to give him his driving license back! Today it's been one thing after another. We all get these days don't we but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. Took him to his men's group this afternoon despite him saying he didn't want to go. There just seems no light at the end of the tunnel but all us wives at the group felt the same way. We were all tired and fed up but what can we do. Nothing. What a simply ghastly cruel disease this is. Sorry for such a depressing moany post. Love and hugs to all of us.
     
  8. silversea2020

    silversea2020 Registered User

    May 12, 2019
    81
    I get that absolutely I do but sometimes people on this forum seem to ‘forget’ that PWD ‘forget’ - explode away & at least on here you can
     
  9. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    When OH was 2 years into his diagnosis, I was really struggling with depression so he decided that we should sit and 'talk' this through. His short term memory was quite intact but the empathy button was in the off position and the denial button was at full throttle.

    I tried to explain how much his problems had affected me and why I was feeling so bad. His response was 'That's just silly. You've just got to get over it. You have a good life so you have just got to make up your mind not to be so miserable'.

    Needless to say I don't waste my time having 'talks' with him anymore.
     
  10. lilypat

    lilypat Registered User

    Mar 1, 2019
    207
    Female
    Yorkshire
    Quite often I think I am alone in this situation and then I read posts on here this 1 as well as others and realise I am not. TP is so good it answers questions that you did not realise you wanted answers to. And in other people's words I find the strength to carry on with this journey. Thank you all
     
  11. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    And often, there are no answers, just someone else to hear your pain/frustration/anxiety/ resentment, grief..........
     
  12. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    I am so sorry you had such a terrible day @Gladys1946 And yes, it a cruel disease. Maybe it was too ambitious, going running with the heat we’ve had, though I imagine it is usually a much needed release. Perhaps you can tell your OH you are going running today, but instead go to a cafe or have some other restful me time. If you get dressed for a run he won’t know. I hope today is better than yesterday xx
     
  13. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    451
    Mississauga
    Hi LadyM:

    Nobody knows the selflessness of a caregiver unless they have been one themselves. It's tiring & exhausting but somehow we manage to carry on. Let all your moans & groans hang out with us, we all understand. May today be better than yesterday and each day be better than the last (somehow). LET'S CHARGE THROUGH TODAY AND PRAY FOR A EASIER TOMORROW.:)
     
  14. Lady M

    Lady M Registered User

    Sep 15, 2018
    276
    Female
    Essex
    Hi dancer12, thank you so much for your kind words.......of course one knows exactly how another feels, and of course we all have good and bad days....I am concerned that what really now is a sort of strange life is becoming ‘our’ normal...much to much to explain here..OH has many health problems including vascular dementia.......I suppose I just needed a little TLC myself! Which you and some others were only to willing to give and for this I thank you, and them , again.
     
  15. Littlebear

    Littlebear Registered User

    Jan 6, 2017
    65
    Must be the weather or something but I've had one of those days too. Not helped by the fact that I had a bad night so am less able to deal with it. I think the lack of empathy is one of the worst aspects of this disease. I miss sitting down & talking things through like we always used to. My whole world revolves around my OH and God forbid we don't do what he wants when he wants. If we don't I'll be made to suffer. I feel mentally battered and bruised. It's the endless drudgery of it all & never any thanks but rather being told everything is my fault. Like many others on TP like it or not I am in an abusive relationship. If it wasn't for this horrible disease my OH could be prosecute for the way he treats me. I know it's not his fault and my pre dementia husband would be horrified by it but it doesn't make it any easier. Still tomorrow is another day & I can only hope it's better than today.
     
  16. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    So sorry @Littlebear No one should be abused in this way, and yes I know it is not his fault, but it remains true that you should not have to put up with this. My mother has spent much of the last few years telling my somewhat less demented father that he is a lazy cowardly ******* - he isn’t- and it has taken a significant toll on him. On the flip side, if they are separated by a hospital admission she spends the whole time in agonies as she worries about him and he her. I suggest you ask social services to do an urgent carer’s assessment for you, making clear that you are at breaking point and no longer able to manage. Again, so sorry how distressing and exhausting this is x
     
  17. Gladys1946

    Gladys1946 Registered User

    Feb 17, 2019
    23
    Well another aborted run today. Running was and is my "me" time. After just a short way I was totally drained. Daughter rang and we went out for a coffee. When I got home, I just broke down. OH completely indifferent and it didn't occur to him I was upset. Hey ho. I've never felt as tired as I am now. It's rotten isn't it. Son said he'll come and see OH for a whole day next weekend! He just has no clue what me and daughter are dealing with. He just thinks "Dad looks fine". Must stop moaning as I know there are countless others in a much much worse place than me, so if you are one of the latter, sorry for my feeling sorry for myself mutterings.
     
  18. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Please stop beating yourself up, you are dealing with a huge amount x
     
  19. Linton

    Linton Registered User

    Jul 27, 2019
    42
    I so relate to everyone who feels exhausted and alone.. Being a carer for someone dementia is at times soul destroying.. With no sense of an end to it.. Lack of sleep is a killer.. After good night's sleep everything seems do able.. At least for a while.. Love to everyone going through this nightmare..
     
  20. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    451
    Mississauga
    TO ALL CAREGIVERS:

    We never asked for this, we don't want I - we would open a window & throw it out if we could, our dreams have been shattered, our hopes of laughter with our partners broken. All we have now are tears & fears. Tears for our loss & fears for the future. But yet we do our best today and pray for a better tomorrow.

    Here's a really big cyber hug for all those who are lonely, afraid, confused, mentally beaten down, under appreciated, under valued, tired and the list goes on & on. :):):):):):):):):):)

    Yesterday is gone, today is here & tomorrow is yet to come. Let's take it one day at a time.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.