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Dementia’s journey

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
808
Devon
So heartbreaking to read about the sadness the partners go through when their other half goes into care - it really is a grieving process but I just hope over time you can come to terms with it and find a joy in life again. Mine is some way from going into a care home, so I don't need to think about it yet but I still often cry for the man he was and the life we had.
Dear Dutchman, Your words and thoughts could be mine. My dearest man arrived at his care home on Friday. I feel so lost and broken. I have so much sadness and pain . I cannot put things into words at the moment. I don't think I will ever be able to recover from this.
i know exactly how you feel. Everyone is individual in their pain and we have so many emotions over this that we feel swamped by the agony of it all. For me every day drags and to get through to the evening is an achievement. I have someone coming today from my local mental health team to discuss what I’m going through. I would recommend visiting your doctor and telling them straight how you feel. Don’t be persuaded that your feelings are normal, they all say that. Your feeling are special to you and I wish I could be there with you to comfort you.

I’ve joined my local church and their kindness has blown me away. I’m not religious ( yet). I cannot change my wife’s condition and I dread the future. Keep posting to me and we’ll try to manage our grief together somehow. Bless you, Peter.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
68
i know exactly how you feel. Everyone is individual in their pain and we have so many emotions over this that we feel swamped by the agony of it all. For me every day drags and to get through to the evening is an achievement. I have someone coming today from my local mental health team to discuss what I’m going through. I would recommend visiting your doctor and telling them straight how you feel. Don’t be persuaded that your feelings are normal, they all say that. Your feeling are special to you and I wish I could be there with you to comfort you.

I’ve joined my local church and their kindness has blown me away. I’m not religious ( yet). I cannot change my wife’s condition and I dread the future. Keep posting to me and we’ll try to manage our grief together somehow. Bless you, Peter.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
68
Today is dreadful. I am empty and lost. My visit yesterday was awful. I have put details on my thread.The feeling of being responsible for Georges distress is so strong.I look around the house and garden and think"if he was here things would be so much better for him" Yet I know that it would not be easy I still think of him reaching out to hold my hand while we sit and chat or he just pulls me too him and gives me a love. Oh my love what have I done.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
808
Devon
I do anything to get through the day. Don’t know about you but morning are the worse for me as I see just an emptiness. At present I’ve gone back to bed for a little while as the medication I’m on makes me sleepy. This afternoon I’ll go see my wife to be close as I can while she is able to respond a little towards me.

I can’t function fully on my own yet because everything we did together. I feel I’m always going behind her back with everything I do on my own. I know it’s not logical but I’m hard wired after 29 years of togetherness even though the 3 years were severely affected by her dementia.

Films, books, I don’t clean the house, don’t touch her belongings, I just can’t move anything of hers, it’s just too painful. I’m sending you a virtual hug and friendship. I wish I could do more. Bless you Peter
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
68
I do anything to get through the day. Don’t know about you but morning are the worse for me as I see just an emptiness. At present I’ve gone back to bed for a little while as the medication I’m on makes me sleepy. This afternoon I’ll go see my wife to be close as I can while she is able to respond a little towards me.

I can’t function fully on my own yet because everything we did together. I feel I’m always going behind her back with everything I do on my own. I know it’s not logical but I’m hard wired after 29 years of togetherness even though the 3 years were severely affected by her dementia.

Films, books, I don’t clean the house, don’t touch her belongings, I just can’t move anything of hers, it’s just too painful. I’m sending you a virtual hug and friendship. I wish I could do more. Bless you Peter
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
68
Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I have just spent a couple of hours in the front garden weeding and cutting back ivy that is threatening to take over the house. Kept my mind off things until a kindly neighbour asked me how things were going. Not her fault of course but that was enough to set the tears off again.After yesterday's episode I have not been to visit today, I feel so bad but I could not cope with another angry outburst just yet.Just trying to keep mind and body together is enough for me at the moment. We can only do so much.
We married in 1964, 55 yrs this Nov. I was just 17 ,so I feel that I have never been without him.
The feeling of betrayal is so strong. You and I are going through similar emotions so when I say I feel your pain,I mean it . I hope you have a fabulous visit with your Love this afternoon . Thinking of you. Take care.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
808
Devon
I’m the same with this feeling of betrayal. Every time I do something it’s on my own mostly and I feel that she should be be with me not confined within the care home. I don’t feel independent in any way just doing stuff without her knowing and, although I know she in the best place for her wellbeing, the sense of me abandoning her remains strong. Perhaps it will always be with me and a burden I’ll always have to carry.

I didn’t go in today. We need a break sometimes for our own sanity. But I always feel bad when I don’t go in so in many respects I can’t win. Unhappy when I go and unhappy when I don’t. Damn dementia, it sucks.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
808
Devon
Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I have just spent a couple of hours in the front garden weeding and cutting back ivy that is threatening to take over the house. Kept my mind off things until a kindly neighbour asked me how things were going. Not her fault of course but that was enough to set the tears off again.After yesterday's episode I have not been to visit today, I feel so bad but I could not cope with another angry outburst just yet.Just trying to keep mind and body together is enough for me at the moment. We can only do so much.
We married in 1964, 55 yrs this Nov. I was just 17 ,so I feel that I have never been without him.
The feeling of betrayal is so strong. You and I are going through similar emotions so when I say I feel your pain,I mean it . I hope you have a fabulous visit with your Love this afternoon . Thinking of you. Take care.
I went in today and my wife had that faraway look in her eyes and there is no connection between us . She let me change her and get her into her pyjamas and that gives me a sense of satisfaction because I’m doing something kind for her. Every time I leave I feel as though I’m escaping and leaving her to her existence in the home. She actually hit me tonight when I tried to remove her dress and it’s a reminder that it couldn’t be done long term at our home. There would be a time when enough is enough. We’ve been married for 30 years and she is the love I never thought I’d find in this world. That makes it even harder to bear. Bless you Peter.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
68
I went in today and my wife had that faraway look in her eyes and there is no connection between us . She let me change her and get her into her pyjamas and that gives me a sense of satisfaction because I’m doing something kind for her. Every time I leave I feel as though I’m escaping and leaving her to her existence in the home. She actually hit me tonight when I tried to remove her dress and it’s a reminder that it couldn’t be done long term at our home. There would be a time when enough is enough. We’ve been married for 30 years and she is the love I never thought I’d find in this world. That makes it even harder to bear. Bless you Peter.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
68
Today I was helping my Grandson he was moving house, just cleaning rooms as he emptied them but it was a very good distraction for my depression. My daughter phoned when I got back to tell me about her visit to Dad. It seems while she was there the weekly hairdresser arrived and after Dad had demolished all the goodies that she had taken for him she asked would he like a haircut. "That would be nice " was his reply. So that is what happened . By all accounts he was very compliant and enjoyed it. I'll send a photo she said. The photo was a shock , the sadness ,pain and helplessness I saw in his face was awful. I just want to stop this distress for him. I will be going to see him tomorrow I just want to hold him tight and give him some hugs, for him just to hold my hand as he always did would be just great , but who knows what reception I will get this time. So it is.... put on a smile and go in positive and hope for for a pleasant visit that will make us both a little happier.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
808
Devon
Just got my new cat called Felix. I hope all goes well. He’s sniffing around at the moment getting used to his surroundings.

Unlike any other cat I’ve had I feel a bit nervous because of my changed circumstances and I didn’t think it would happen but I’ve lost a bit of confidence.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,505
Just got my new cat called Felix. I hope all goes well. He’s sniffing around at the moment getting used to his surroundings.

Unlike any other cat I’ve had I feel a bit nervous because of my changed circumstances and I didn’t think it would happen but I’ve lost a bit of confidence.
This is such good news! You will need to keep us informed of th adventures of Felix!!
Warmest, Kindred
 

Batsue

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
4,891
Scotland
I'm glad to hear that you got yourself a feline friend, pets give so much and ask so little of us.
All the best,
Sue
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Today is dreadful. I am empty and lost. My visit yesterday was awful. I have put details on my thread.The feeling of being responsible for Georges distress is so strong.I look around the house and garden and think"if he was here things would be so much better for him" Yet I know that it would not be easy I still think of him reaching out to hold my hand while we sit and chat or he just pulls me too him and gives me a love. Oh my love what have I done.
please don’t berate yourself, the reality of caring for someone 24/7 without an army of support around the clock is not just possible for one person to do.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Just got my new cat called Felix. I hope all goes well. He’s sniffing around at the moment getting used to his surroundings.

Unlike any other cat I’ve had I feel a bit nervous because of my changed circumstances and I didn’t think it would happen but I’ve lost a bit of confidence.
Loving the name - Felix!
The adventures of felix need his own thread to bring daily smiles
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
808
Devon
Ah, things are not working out. He damaged a bookcase already, scratched my arm and cannot be trusted to bite when I stroke him. My children are arriving tomorrow and I don’t want them hurt. Plus Bridget is increasingly is my thoughts and the expectation of CBT counselling came to nothing this morning. I’m taking him back tomorrow. I should have got a kitten like I wanted to in the first place.

please don’t be too harsh on my decision.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,757
South East
@Dutchman , I’m sorry it’s not working out , maybe he just needs some time to settle , have you got a scratch post he can use ? It’s prob an upheaval for him too and you both need time to adjust to each other .
 

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