Dementia’s journey

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Dutchman, Aug 31, 2019.

  1. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,839
    Please give this little chap a chance, let him find his feet - after all if someone you didn’t know started to hug & kiss you you would react. You could have the same issues with a kitten, it’s his first night in a strange environment. You need to respect this little fellows been caged up & now he has a whole house ..... it’s all strange to him.

    let him come to you in his own time. He must be very frightened, it’s all strange smells & new things. get a scratching post & some toys tomorrow - your furry friend needs to feel loved & relaxed to be able to start to trust. If you get a kitten you will have similar issues, you still need to get used to each other.

    Rome wasn’t built in a day - neither is trust or a relationship with any living thing. xx
     
  2. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    876
    A kitten would be a lot of work,like a baby.Give him a little time to settle if you can
     
  3. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,509
    A lovely positive post. Xxx
     
  4. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    433
    Male
    Devon
    Cat went back as it scratched my face. Can’t chance it with the grandchildren.

    just come away from visiting my wife. I just sat in the car outside the home and sobbed as she looks so lost and unhappy. It takes time everyone says but I want it to stop soon as I’m so lonely without her even in the state she’s in now. A cat was a mistake as I’m not ready to look after anything. I can just about look after myself.
     
  5. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    58
    Female
    denton
     
  6. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    433
    Male
    Devon
    Why is it that when we leave our loved ones in the home after leaving them after a visit we feel like we are abandoning them and feel so guilty and so upset.

    I always feel this way and no matter how many times I tell her I love her and she is so special to me she looks at me as I walk away with those eyes that say ‘please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me here’ . If it wasn’t bad enough that my wife has dementia and no longer sees me as her husband the guilt of abandonment is terrible..
     
  7. oliviajuliette

    oliviajuliette Registered User

    Jul 16, 2014
    31
     
  8. oliviajuliette

    oliviajuliette Registered User

    Jul 16, 2014
    31
    You are not alone, when I visit my husband of 34 years I always feel guilty when I leave him even though I know he is better looked after in the care home. It’s over 2 years now and I still hurt. Feel your pain.
     
  9. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    58
    Female
    denton
    Sorry it's not been a good day for you Dutchman. The sadness we feel is overwhelming at times and the tears cannot be stopped easily. I am trying to put my energies in to preparing for my first assessment for funding which is due shortly. Not knowing the way these things work I am getting a bit worried about it. Today I was lucky to have quite a good visit.Probably something to do with Hubby having slept in his bed for about 5 hours last night. This was the first time he has stayed in his room at all . He has been there a week and refused to go into the room for anything and just wandered day and night ,sleeping in chairs in the lounge when fatigue overtook him. Like you I have a constant feeling that I abandoned ship (so to speak) much to soon , If only this or only that, I could have done more. I will never know no! I hope you are feeling a little better tonight , Thinking of you, lets try and be positive tomorrow and see if that helps.
     
  10. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    433
    Male
    Devon
    If I’m like this now I often wonder how I’m going to survive when she no longer around. I love her more than life itself and although she’s only a shadow of herself years ago she still represents all our wonderful ordinary memories together. We did nothing really exciting just did stuff together and I took a lot of it for granted.
     
  11. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    58
    Female
    denton
    I know what you mean. What we did together was not exciting by todays standards.No travelling the world or exotic cruises. All my memories are just as important and precious just the same. Talking to George today I actualy got a couple of sly smiles, this is one more little memory to store away. I love my man and want him back as he was.That is impossible I know that but he is in my head and in my dreams .
     
  12. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,306
    Female
    Chester
    Personally I think you made the right decision for you at this point in time, actually harder to make the decision and take the cat back than keep it. Very brave.

    Maybe look out for a kitten when the time is right, or say you need a cat with a really quiet temperament. I'm sure there is one out there for you.

    I'm sorry visiting your wife is still so hard, today will have been a very hard day, taking back the cat you had looked forward to getting, which you hoped would show you some affection, and that will have made it doubly hard.
     
  13. Lirene

    Lirene Registered User

    Sep 15, 2019
    131
    I too want my husband back, and for a couple of minutes today I saw the ‘real’ him - then this dementia demon takes over and he’s a lost soul again who I wish with all my heart the Lord would take. I am grieving for that person I love who is still here but his spirit has already gone before. A glimmer of hope every now and again keeps me going, just xx
     
  14. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    876
    So terribly sad.Dementia is such a cruel disease
     
  15. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    433
    Male
    Devon
    Am I selfish because I often think I am. I went the home because they told me she’s not eating that much and perhaps I could encourage her.
    When I get there she’s asleep in the chair, smiles when I wake her and goes back to sleep again. They’re going to try another meal later.
    Is it selfish not to want to stay that long? There’s no relationship, no conversation, I just sit next to her rubbing her arm, saying I love her, but there’s no response. The whole visit upsets me because there’s none of my wife left. And I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
     
  16. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,278
    Dutchman, please please do not add such guilt to the grief you feel. I so understand how upset you feel, the small connection your have made rubbing her arm, saying you love her, this is such a special thing. This is a situation beyond us as human beings, it is terrible, I know. Please tell yourself you had loving moments together and that made the day worthwhile. It is certainly not selfish not to want to stay that long.
    with love, Kindred.
     
  17. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,643
    No you are not selfish @Dutchman It is this terrible disease that has done this. How are you expected have rational feelings when your life has been so irrational for so long. This dementia has invaded every aspect of our lives and you can't just get over it and feel normal when the person is still here in body but not the same person they were.

    I feel for you I really do. The guilt is awful but it is not your fault. You sound like such a lovely and caring man and I hope that you can find some way of feeling better in yourself because you deserve to.
     
  18. Lirene

    Lirene Registered User

    Sep 15, 2019
    131
    I have just been to see my mum, 96 and has Alzheimer's plus various other things, in a nursing home for over 11 years. Mum has absolutely no idea who I am and has not done so for years. I am still living with the guilt of having to put her in there, and probably always will. She is nearly always in bed asleep but, a stroke of her hair, her arm, a kiss and a few words (hearing, they say is the last thing to go). For the few minutes she is still my mum and worth the world. Love and hugs xx
     
  19. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    433
    Male
    Devon
    You are all so very kind in your support. You’re right of course that we, as carers, are dealing with an impossible situation that, as much as we try, we cannot ever come to terms that we’ve done our best only that we have to accept the situation as best we can.
     
  20. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    433
    Male
    Devon
     

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