Carer for Mum with dementia and son with autism....who do I pure

[Dee_53]

My Dad died suddenly 18 months ago and just after my Mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia I also care for my adult son who has autism and I'm being pulled in different directions and don't know who to put first.My Mum is still living in her warden assisted bungalow she shops for herself and generally takes good care of herself although she doesn't cook anymore her interest in food has always been non existent her home is spotless and she always dresses well.What slightly freaks me out is I can have a chat with her then an hour later she rings and it's like talking to a different person she just asked me about my daughter and I don't have one although she mentioned my son as well. We have talked about her going into a care home at some point and she is agreeable when the time is right but as she cares for herself so well now is not the time. She continually makes me feel guilty for going out with my son and not being at home when she rings and it causes so many problems between us.I have to give my son care but i feel she resents him and I feel I'm being pulled apart.We are due to go on holiday in August but I haven't told her as I know she will create merry hell. Who do I put first? When do I know the right time for her to go in a care home as I cannot look after her and my son. How can she be so competent one minute and not the next? I haven't yet grieved for my Dad as I just haven't had the time or headspace

 

[Jessbow]

I didn't have time to grieve for my dad either- it doesn't make things any easier

You know who you put first - its your son, first and always.

 

[jeany123]

Hello and welcome to Talking Point Dee, I agree with Jessbow always put your son first,

 

[Neph]

Still not really had the chance to grieve for mine either. I have to agree though, put your son first, and look after yourself too!!

Big hug xx

 

[cragmaid]

You say that Mum can look after herself, but she cannot cook and doesn't want to eat. You say she can manage but she phones you ( or "somebody" ) frequently. She knows your son has problems but resents the time you spend with him.......it sounds like time to me. Has Mum had a needs assessment from the Social Services ( and a discussion about benefits too if necessary), have you had a carers assesment either? It might be short notice but have you thought about respite while you are on holiday?........and last ask....have you got the LPAs in place?

Your every waking minute is full, it's hardly surprising you have not have time to come to terms with losing your Dad, but look after yourself, grief can hit you at the most inconvenient time, which is why you need to get some plans in place and take the pressure of yourself a bit.
x.