• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Grandad with dementia and mum carer

tuffy

New member
Feb 17, 2020
1
My grandad has been diagnosed with dementia and my mum is looking after him. However she won’t accept that he needs help for him and herself as she runs a business as well. She has booked a holiday in August and is expect me to look after him which I don’t feel comfortable with as I have no experience with dementia and don’t live at home anymore. She just won’t accept she needs help and it’s becoming upsetting.
Any ideas please :(
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
124
This must be so scary for you if your knowledge of dementia is limited. Try to learn a bit more about your granddad's particular needs and illness and you may find that, even if he's no longer the granddad you've always known, he may not be as hard to cope with as you think, or you're mum would probably be welcoming outside help
You don't say how old you are but if you really feel like you can't do this, please don't feel guilty or that you've let your mum down. We can only do what we can do.
Sorry I can't help more but you will find plenty of love and support on Tipping Point
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,662
South coast
If you dont feel comfortable doing it then I dont think you should be just expected to. I would never just assume that one of my children would drop everything and look after my OH - in fact, when I was ill, OH had a placement in a care home for a few weeks.

You cant make your mum accept outside help, but you can dig your heels in and just say "no" - although I do understand that it is difficult to go against parental wishes.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
584
Hi @tuffy, welcome to the forum. It is quite a lot to ask you to look after your Grandad, and if you don't feel comfortable then your Mum needs to consider other options. It is over 6 months away so there is time to arrange care - it may well be that Grandad's condition may have changed in that time too. You don't say whether there are other family that could assist? So, you could get carers in for the week or two that Mum is away (frequency will be determined by his needs e.g. does he require personal care), with you and other members of the family supporting that process; or you could look at respite care for Grandad, that would mean that he would go into residential care for the period of the holiday. To do the latter you would need to find homes that offer that type of care and go and see if they are suitable (friends of mine use this approach for their father when they go on holiday).

In any event I think you have to be honest with Mum and perhaps make some suggestions on how Grandad can be supported. All the best.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
My grandad has been diagnosed with dementia and my mum is looking after him. However she won’t accept that he needs help for him and herself as she runs a business as well. She has booked a holiday in August and is expect me to look after him which I don’t feel comfortable with as I have no experience with dementia and don’t live at home anymore. She just won’t accept she needs help and it’s becoming upsetting.
Any ideas please :(
I’m afraid honesty is the best policy, & a lot can & will change in the next few months. your Mum is dealing with lots of conflicting emotions; so tread carefully I speak from experience & sadly I wasn’t always receptive to my children’s input.
As a teenager I did look after my Grandparent(s) while my parents had a holiday.
BUT... providing meals / sorting shopping out/ 3 times a day visits ( for my Granny I helped her to the commode & emptied it ) in hindsight it wasn’t too bad but I was very close to my Granny & she was a tiny bird like person who adored me- so my visits were pleasant!
Ask your Mum what she means by looking after your Grandad, as difficult as it might be to listen to - find out her expectations.
By finding out what is expected then you can formulate options

Ie - clinical mental health team / district nurse / social services respite care.

I totally sympathise with you not wanting to be the carer while your Mum is on holiday. It’s a situation I won’t put my own daughter in & she offers !!
Personal care needs etc need to be assessed, I know how guilty I felt when I contacted Adult Social services looking for help for Dad( now deceased) & Aged Mother ( very much alive & kicking!)

You have to be really pushy at times to get the help required & perhaps your Mum can’t face all the phone calls & form filling that goes with care. I speak from experience - I run my own business & everything just got too much at lots of times ( & still does!) Perhaps offering to help by making the phone calls - as & when that subject comes up & filling in forms with her might be appropriate

my lovely I hope this subject of care resolves itself
(((Hugs)))
 

Janderhol

Registered User
Aug 27, 2019
17
I really sympathise with you and your family. Having looked after my husband(now in a care home) I know how difficult it can be to look after a dementia patient. I’d strongly advise you to contact Social Services at your local County Council. I think they would allocate a Social Worker who can then assess help you and your family can have and deserve. Fortunately for me the Social Worker assigned to help me was very good.
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
124
Me again, I meant to add to my last reply that although our 6 adult grandchildren adore their granddad I think they would be dumbstruck if I asked one of them to care for him and have responsibility for him when I was on holiday. They willingly take him out for a couple of hours and I'm grateful for that but I couldn't ask of them what is being asked of you.
 

Members online

No members online now.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,517
Messages
1,661,684
Members
64,575
Latest member
WindmillMan