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advice please

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,188
0
South coast
he doesnt take pain into account.
No, he wont do. He has lost empathy and now all he can see are his own wants, needs and comforts. He is unable to see anything from anyone elses viewpoint, or indeed be aware that other people have needs too. He wants what he wants and he wants it NOW! and he simply cannot see why any of this is a problem to anyone else. He is also feeling that he is losing control of things and doesnt really understand why, so he is hanging on to the things that he can control ever tighter - and Im afraid that you are one of the things that he feels he can still control.

Please try and find some way out of this
xxxx
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
No, he wont do. He has lost empathy and now all he can see are his own wants, needs and comforts. He is unable to see anything from anyone elses viewpoint, or indeed be aware that other people have needs too. He wants what he wants and he wants it NOW! and he simply cannot see why any of this is a problem to anyone else. He is also feeling that he is losing control of things and doesnt really understand why, so he is hanging on to the things that he can control ever tighter - and Im afraid that you are one of the things that he feels he can still control.

Please try and find some way out of this
thank you @canary. i understand what you are saying and i admire the way you care and the extraordinary knowledge you have. im learning a lot from you. i thought if i started sorting the house, that makes it easier when/if the time comes he needs care. i would then have to move so im trying to prepare for that day. im trying to please everyone and not hurt the kids. one area done, many areas still to get through. i know he has no empathy as he cant cuddle me when im crying or when things get on top of me. i accept in theory but in practice, its a very lonely, isolating place
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,188
0
South coast
i know he has no empathy as he cant cuddle me when im crying or when things get on top of me. i accept in theory but in practice, its a very lonely, isolating place
Yes, I understand.

When our cat was found to have cancer and had to be put down I came home afterwards and sat and cried. All the while I sat there OH just watched me and did nothing. When I stopped crying and dried my eyes he brightened up and said cheerfully "whats for dinner?"
😖
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
3,665
0
thank you @canary. i understand what you are saying and i admire the way you care and the extraordinary knowledge you have. im learning a lot from you. i thought if i started sorting the house, that makes it easier when/if the time comes he needs care. i would then have to move so im trying to prepare for that day. im trying to please everyone and not hurt the kids. one area done, many areas still to get through. i know he has no empathy as he cant cuddle me when im crying or when things get on top of me. i accept in theory but in practice, its a very lonely, isolating place
Sorry Jennifer...I might not be up to date but why would you have to move?
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,118
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Yes, I understand.

When our cat was found to have cancer and had to be put down I came home afterwards and sat and cried. All the while I sat there OH just watched me and did nothing. When I stopped crying and dried my eyes he brightened up and said cheerfully "whats for dinner?"
😖
My husband is very sorry when I 'm sad, but his isn't empathy. He can worry only about himself. Few days ago he said " how annoying having to do with a sad person ". Please, don't put it down to dementia... unless he has had it for twenty years!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
Sorry Jennifer...I might not be up to date but why would you have to move?
i would have to move because its a rented council house. if he goes into care, then i would have to pay bedroom tax for the spare bedrooms i have. i couldnt afford that so i would be rehoused in a smaller council flat. we dont pay it at the moment as he is not working age.[73]. i would also have to claim different benefits as the one he claims jointly for me[pension credit] i wouldnt be entitled to as im not pensionable age[54].
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
3,665
0
i would have to move because its a rented council house. if he goes into care, then i would have to pay bedroom tax for the spare bedrooms i have. i couldnt afford that so i would be rehoused in a smaller council flat. we dont pay it at the moment as he is not working age.[73]. i would also have to claim different benefits as the one he claims jointly for me[pension credit] i wouldnt be entitled to as im not pensionable age[54].
Thanks for explaining that. It seems very harsh that you would have to leave your home.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
Thanks for explaining that. It seems very harsh that you would have to leave your home.
im a council tenant and to ber fair there are a lot of families on the waiting list for a family house that i have. i brought up my family here and was grateful when we were allocated it. its 3 bedrooms so a family should have it
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
3,665
0
im a council tenant and to ber fair there are a lot of families on the waiting list for a family house that i have. i brought up my family here and was grateful when we were allocated it. its 3 bedrooms so a family should have it
My parents were very pleased when they got their council house many,many years ago ( I was just 3) . We were very happy living there. I went back to see it last year. I was stood outside taking photos when a man came out the door. He was not well pleased and asked me what I was doing taking photos. I explained that I used to live there and he said he'd lived there for 40 years. He was so surprised when I told him I lived there before him!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
My parents were very pleased when they got their council house many,many years ago ( I was just 3) . We were very happy living there. I went back to see it last year. I was stood outside taking photos when a man came out the door. He was not well pleased and asked me what I was doing taking photos. I explained that I used to live there and he said he'd lived there for 40 years. He was so surprised when I told him I lived there before him!
weve been here 25 yrs now when the youngest of 4 was 18months. i grew up 10 minutes away
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,000
0
Bedford
Can you have a ‘break’ from clearing tomorrow to give you back a chance ‘to cope’. Maybe just something gentle
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
Can you have a ‘break’ from clearing tomorrow to give you back a chance ‘to cope’. Maybe just something gentle
yes @Bikerbeth im doing it every other day as i still have the housework to do as well. i do all of it as he has COPD as well and gets too out of breath to do much. i try and do 1 thing a day just to keep on top of it all.
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,103
0
Essex
@jennifer1967 - it sounds very hard for you physically as well as mentally. I expect at one time your husband could help a bit more. I think you need to get in help for yourself, even if you can't for him. Have you had your own needs assessed? Are you claiming DLA/PIP? I think you should and maybe they could get you a home help for a few hours a week to take some of the back-breaking work off you.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,329
0
Essex
You maybe able to get a bit more physical help now that lockdown is easing especially with the clearing.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
@jennifer1967 - it sounds very hard for you physically as well as mentally. I expect at one time your husband could help a bit more. I think you need to get in help for yourself, even if you can't for him. Have you had your own needs assessed? Are you claiming DLA/PIP? I think you should and maybe they could get you a home help for a few hours a week to take some of the back-breaking work off you.
thank you @nita i do get PIP but its paid into our joint account. ive asked him and he has totally vetoed the whole idea. whatever would make my life a bit easier is met with no.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
thank you @nita i do get PIP but its paid into our joint account. ive asked him and he has totally vetoed the whole idea. whatever would make my life a bit easier is met with no.
i have had my needs assessed and cant have any help with him as he has capacity and has said no. i hate that word. and theres nothing they can do for me as they dont do domestics any more either. they have referred him to somewhere that would take him out which would be a break from me and my oldest son does help when he can if i need him to
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,329
0
Essex
i have had my needs assessed and cant have any help with him as he has capacity and has said no. i hate that word. and theres nothing they can do for me as they dont do domestics any more either. they have referred him to somewhere that would take him out which would be a break from me and my oldest son does help when he can if i need him to
I hope he does go out for those breaks. Have you tried love lies @jennifer1967?

MaNaAk