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advice please

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,583
0
Southampton
Hi @jennifer1967 ,
Do you think you are getting the support you need from the doctor?
I get the feeling she is taking it easy..too easy.
hi @margherita , im not getting the support that i need from anywhere other than alz.soc. and the local lady. i have to be so careful with him and what i do. i understand her problem and she doesnt know why ss wont do anything because he has capacity so im put at risk because now i have to wait again. its alright having an emergency plan so i dont get hurt physically but im being abuse verbally and that can hurt a lot more emotionally than any push or slap. he has pushed me in the last couple of weeks and ive no doubt one day hes going to turn round and hurt me and all i can do is manage the risk. im human too. he has hit me in the past before dementia so whose to say he wont do it again. and ive got to wait until he does it again.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,583
0
Southampton
it's still abuse @jennifer1967
maybe some of those supporting those in abusive situations can suggest some help
thank you @Shedrech ive just read what constitutes abuse and had tears in my eyes as so much applied now or in the past. if you brought up with it you think its natural and yes i feel its my fault.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,366
0
Yorkshire
no way on this earth is any abuse you have been subjected to your fault @jennifer1967
sadly. though, you are spot on saying that those abused can come to believe that it's 'natural' and 'normal', to be put up with and that they are 'to blame' as they must have done something to cause each outburst, which is utterly untrue
you have a right to be safe
personally, I don't understand how you are not getting more support ... may I suggest you don't play down the aggression you face and have faced when talking with your GP etc ... maybe call one of the helplines that link mentions and ask how you can get others to understand your situation
none of us wants you to end being injured
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,583
0
Southampton
no way on this earth is any abuse you have been subjected to your fault @jennifer1967
sadly. though, you are spot on saying that those abused can come to believe that it's 'natural' and 'normal', to be put up with and that they are 'to blame' as they must have done something to cause each outburst, which is utterly untrue
you have a right to be safe
personally, I don't understand how you are not getting more support ... may I suggest you don't play down the aggression you face and have faced when talking with your GP etc ... maybe call one of the helplines that link mentions and ask how you can get others to understand your situation
none of us wants you to end being injured
thank you @Shedrech SS have phoned me and they going to refer him to somewhere that will take him out. they have also referred me to PIPPA which is a domestic abuse organisation. there is nothing else as i cant go out so cant go to groups. im getting used to hearing because you cant go out, we cant support you through groups or anything else. because im housebound, they are not geared up with people like me. im not going to be cured so theres a gap.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,583
0
Southampton
update, finally had contact with PIPPA a domestic abuse service who phoned and said you are the victim of domestic abuse before the dementia and dementia is exaggerating it. they dont know why SS are not doing more as they should be. so referred to have an outreach worker to support me. i was shocked how many different ways he was abusing me and sad that i cant trust him. also said if in danger phone 999. i was reluctant to do that but told me that police turn up, assess the situation and may or may not remove but not to cells which reassured me and should reassure that are in my position. please phone if in danger. you dont have to leave them either as i couldnt do that to him. he used to blame me for causing it, but its his fault he cant control his temper. its been one of the hardest things to admit and talk to people about. hes already flared this morning so i have stayed quiet and managed it as the gp told me to. he has admitted he is nasty to me and cant control it because of the dementia. if so then there is no reason for me not to doubt that one day he might hit out and have to make an emergency plan if that happens. i would have thought i would have learnt by now but its humiliating to have to admit it.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
334
0
Hi @jennifer1967 i have read lots of your posts, and sometimes commented, but not on this. I cannot imagine how you have stayed so long, and how you manage daily. It’s easy if you are not in that situation to say what you should and shouldn’t do, but I hope that you get the help you need and deserve soon.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,583
0
Southampton
Hi @jennifer1967 i have read lots of your posts, and sometimes commented, but not on this. I cannot imagine how you have stayed so long, and how you manage daily. It’s easy if you are not in that situation to say what you should and shouldn’t do, but I hope that you get the help you need and deserve soon.
i think its admitting failure. also as an abused child, it tends to be that is what you expect and the pattern continues. you think its normal for men to do this as you havent got another experience to compare it to but i should have realised that right from the begining, he was manipulating me by buying my son some shoes. im his third wife so ive paid for their mistakes. hes also 19 years older so power maybe. i was also only 20 without a proper home and no family support so vulnerable as well
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,583
0
Southampton
Your past does not have to define your future @jennifer1967
Take this opportunity offered by PIPPA and use it to the full
xx
thank you @canary im nervous about it all but not prepared to put up with too much more. the past hurts and more so when i read of some of the happy relationships that members have. i have nothing to base a loving relationship on which is the problem. im learning.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,408
0
Essex
Dear @jennifer1967,

I think you are very brave and you are one of the bravest people I know. You don't have to put up with this and I think you should call 999.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,583
0
Southampton
thank you all, i wont leave him unless it becomes necessary. sorry if i offend anyone but i will have support and wont feel alone with it all. support of all of you has help as well so ive given myself a limit and will stick to that at least until he is seen by older person mental health team and see what they can do but i accept if i feel in danger at any time i will phone 999 which is a big step for me to take. also wait and see what happens when he is taken out. i have to give these things a chance as he has agreed to them. i love him because he gave me 4 great kids and the 13 grandchildren. now lock down is easing, i will be able to see more of them which will distract my husband as he comes alive around them. the upside is that i would never have joined the forum and met all of you. the past as @canary says doesnt define me but it does shape the person that i am and makes me a better person.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,583
0
Southampton
Why " humiliating "?
You haven't done anything wrong.
It's the perpetrator of the abuse who must be ashamed, not the victim
You must be proud of yourself, @jennifer1967
thanks @margherita i think humilated because i have let it happen to me again. some would say havent you learnt so have different relationships. no because i have had no good relationships to compare it to. i thought that was what love is and how men should act. ive nothing to compare it to so the same patterns get repeated over and over again. i was brought up the victim of multiple forms of abuse and didnt go to other houses to see different relationships so i didnt learn there was a difference.