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advice please

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,045
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
thanks @margherita i think humilated because i have let it happen to me again. some would say havent you learnt so have different relationships. no because i have had no good relationships to compare it to. i thought that was what love is and how men should act. ive nothing to compare it to so the same patterns get repeated over and over again. i was brought up the victim of multiple forms of abuse and didnt go to other houses to see different relationships so i didnt learn there was a difference.
It is never too late @jennifer1967 . You are brave and your life will be different thanks to the new strength and awareness you are building up in your mind and heart.
We all made mistakes in the past. Actually, I don't like to call them " mistakes " , because whatever we did ( or didn't) was the best we could do in that moment and at that time. Nobody voluntarily chooses to make wrong decisions.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,557
0
Southampton
the start of a day and he has already erupted. i want to go back to bed out of his way. im nearly in tears, he has done anything violent but i hope he hasnt started the day he means to go on. he will be spending it on his own. i will be quite happy upstairs with a book and my stereo. ive got a telly too.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,408
0
Sorry to see that your day got off to a bad start @jennifer1967 . I hope you are ok with your book, stereo and tv in your own space and wish you a happier and more peaceful afternoon.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,557
0
Southampton
Sorry to see that your day got off to a bad start @jennifer1967 . I hope you are ok with your book, stereo and tv in your own space and wish you a happier and more peaceful afternoon.
my son has arrived to cut the grass with partner and grandsons. he has flared up again since and tells me hes on edge. wish me luck this is not going to be a good day at all
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
280
0
Hi @jennifer1967, I have just read all of your thread, correct me if I'm wrong but it does seem like the situation is deteriorating. I know you don't want to leave him but maybe you should think about preparing for if the worst came to the worst. I know you say you have an emergency plan but is that just for getting out and safe? What about after that? If you don't have your own bank account you need to set one up now and get your benefits paid into it if you can. If that would cause too much of a problem, having an account he doesn't know about will make it easier to add your payments into quickly if you leave. Maybe the person from PIPPA can advise you what you would be entitled to if you needed to leave - fear of the unknown can make you stay longer than you should.
I believe that if you call 999 from a mobile and dare not speak in case he hears you, you can press 55 which puts you through to a silent calls option, then you can communicate by pressing keys.
My heart goes out to you jennifer, my previous husband was emotionally abusive and made my son believe my opinion did not matter. Fortunately I have been in a loving relationship for over 20 years now and with help my son has managed to become a well balanced man.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,557
0
Southampton
Hi @jennifer1967, I have just read all of your thread, correct me if I'm wrong but it does seem like the situation is deteriorating. I know you don't want to leave him but maybe you should think about preparing for if the worst came to the worst. I know you say you have an emergency plan but is that just for getting out and safe? What about after that? If you don't have your own bank account you need to set one up now and get your benefits paid into it if you can. If that would cause too much of a problem, having an account he doesn't know about will make it easier to add your payments into quickly if you leave. Maybe the person from PIPPA can advise you what you would be entitled to if you needed to leave - fear of the unknown can make you stay longer than you should.
I believe that if you call 999 from a mobile and dare not speak in case he hears you, you can press 55 which puts you through to a silent calls option, then you can communicate by pressing keys.
My heart goes out to you jennifer, my previous husband was emotionally abusive and made my son believe my opinion did not matter. Fortunately I have been in a loving relationship for over 20 years now and with help my son has managed to become a well balanced man.
thank you @silkiest we have a joint account and i have now got my own card since last march. i kept asking him to get me one and it never happened so although it has always been joint, i havent been able to use it even when my wages used to get paid into it so would have to ask him and he would replied why do you want money for and i had to give him a reason and he would say yes or no. he claims pension credits for both of us, therefore i would have to claim probably DLA for myself, his claim will be stopped as well so that would have to be the last thing i do. i only claim PIP for myself. even that, he seems to want me to ask. im housebound so he goes to the bank or i pay online. he didnt want me to go back to work after my knee replacement nearly 4 yrs ago. im thinking of getting duplicates of couple of documents that i will need that i cant find. they give you a list of things that would be important to carry.
hes been erupting all morning and he says hes on edge. my son and family came over to cut the lawn and stayed couple of hours so took heat out of it but i hope he doesnt start up later on. if he does, im upstairs. the only thing is internet is only in living room. the council would rehome me but would have to wait for that. lots of thoughts are going around in my head and beginings of a plan is formulating
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,557
0
Southampton
well it doesnt make any difference what plans i make or not make, there really is no one to help. just spoke to an outreach support for domestic abuse and options are very limited as i cant get to a group or do a zoom meeting 1 because i cant and 2 my internet is in the living room so not safe. where im housebound due to chronic pain, im as sitting duck with no where to go. i made a decision yesterday to work to clearing the house of junk to end result that i get some life back while still having to care for my husband. i wont be able to do that without help of which very little will be forthcoming
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,557
0
Southampton
well today, flared up again and stormed off upstairs. he knows hes doing it but cant stop until hes satisfied[his words not mine. he couldnt fit the food in the freezer so i did it and i was in pain afterwards. he seems to be wearing me down. im tired mentally trying to predict which mood hes woken up in. the clearing begins tomorrow but will have to work with my back. it will help to clear my head as well
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,939
0
Bedford
I must admit I sometimes find a physical clearance can help clear my mind a little as well but yes take it easy with your back. I guess slow and steady with frequent breaks is the way but I guess you know that already.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,557
0
Southampton
well done under the stairs and found some gems i didnt know were there. its backfired on me as hes now telling which area to clear next. it was supposed to be to help me feel in control. hes been calmer today as he hasnt had me to fired at. my back is throbbing a bit. at least he made me a welcome cup of tea.