Hi Sylvia,
I have always like the loving and pragmatic approach you have taken ever since day 1 on TP, and that is continuing, as I would have expected.
Everyone comes to terms in different ways with the passing of one so very close, and where an abnormal routine has, over a long period, become normal life.
I agree with the others who saw it as sensible to go and sit with Dhiren.
I did that with Jan, though only for one period during an afternoon. I had chosen what she should wear, and she was in her coffin, but it gave me time to be alone with her for one last time and say the things that I wanted to say. I had done the same a few years earlier after my mother had her final drastic stroke, and a day before we lost her, and I had found that helpful.
Being with Jan then enabled me to concentrate afterwards on her funeral being a real celebration of her life and, having seen her, I realised she was forever more to be all around me, in music, food, places, films, books - in everything we had shared. And that has been the reality.
I buried Jan's ashes, almost a year after the service, in the crematorium grounds, alongside a lovely river.
During January, in the flooding, the entire crematorium grounds were flooded, to the extent that the place is temporarily out of action and at present totally closed.
Some reports have come out of relatives being distraught over this, but I can't feel that, myself. I have a plaque for Jan on the memorial garden wall there and that is the focus of my visits, though I also always have a sit down close to where she lies.
My Mum was an ex-Wren, and her wish was to buried at sea - though we never managed that. I can't see much different compared to the flooding of a crematorium grounds, really.
Grannie G said:
Before it was about Us . Now it will be about Me. Is that why some people find it so difficult to post here.
I think it will still, to an extent, be about you both - how could it not be, after so many years and so much shared life? But yes, you are correct, you mustn't omit to live for yourself.
You were used to taking each day as it came with Dhiren, and now you need to do the same for yourself. Don't say no to anything, simply because you might have done so before. Think what would be best. But also, don't change anything just for the sake of changing it. Slow and sure is the way.
Above all, please keep this thread going on TP, if you feel able. Too little is written to cover this time, and a wider vision of how people manage is really needed for that, as well as for managing the dementia in a loved one. Over time you may have reflections on the past few years, and it would be really good if you could share them here.
It may be that you want to distance yourself from Dementiaworld for a time, or even forever. If so, everyone will understand, but just make sure you aren't slow in posting here whenever you feel the need.