Seconded with gratitude and thanks.
Your writing of sitting with Dhiren speaks of your love and your care for him.
It is very moving. x
A new stage in my life...................
- Thread starter Grannie G
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Your writing of sitting with Dhiren speaks of your love and your care for him.
It is very moving. x
Hi Sylvia,
I have always like the loving and pragmatic approach you have taken ever since day 1 on TP, and that is continuing, as I would have expected.
Everyone comes to terms in different ways with the passing of one so very close, and where an abnormal routine has, over a long period, become normal life.
I agree with the others who saw it as sensible to go and sit with Dhiren.
I did that with Jan, though only for one period during an afternoon. I had chosen what she should wear, and she was in her coffin, but it gave me time to be alone with her for one last time and say the things that I wanted to say. I had done the same a few years earlier after my mother had her final drastic stroke, and a day before we lost her, and I had found that helpful.
Being with Jan then enabled me to concentrate afterwards on her funeral being a real celebration of her life and, having seen her, I realised she was forever more to be all around me, in music, food, places, films, books - in everything we had shared. And that has been the reality.
I buried Jan's ashes, almost a year after the service, in the crematorium grounds, alongside a lovely river.
During January, in the flooding, the entire crematorium grounds were flooded, to the extent that the place is temporarily out of action and at present totally closed.
Some reports have come out of relatives being distraught over this, but I can't feel that, myself. I have a plaque for Jan on the memorial garden wall there and that is the focus of my visits, though I also always have a sit down close to where she lies.
My Mum was an ex-Wren, and her wish was to buried at sea - though we never managed that. I can't see much different compared to the flooding of a crematorium grounds, really.
I think it will still, to an extent, be about you both - how could it not be, after so many years and so much shared life? But yes, you are correct, you mustn't omit to live for yourself.
You were used to taking each day as it came with Dhiren, and now you need to do the same for yourself. Don't say no to anything, simply because you might have done so before. Think what would be best. But also, don't change anything just for the sake of changing it. Slow and sure is the way.
Above all, please keep this thread going on TP, if you feel able. Too little is written to cover this time, and a wider vision of how people manage is really needed for that, as well as for managing the dementia in a loved one. Over time you may have reflections on the past few years, and it would be really good if you could share them here.
It may be that you want to distance yourself from Dementiaworld for a time, or even forever. If so, everyone will understand, but just make sure you aren't slow in posting here whenever you feel the need.
I have always like the loving and pragmatic approach you have taken ever since day 1 on TP, and that is continuing, as I would have expected.
Everyone comes to terms in different ways with the passing of one so very close, and where an abnormal routine has, over a long period, become normal life.
I agree with the others who saw it as sensible to go and sit with Dhiren.
I did that with Jan, though only for one period during an afternoon. I had chosen what she should wear, and she was in her coffin, but it gave me time to be alone with her for one last time and say the things that I wanted to say. I had done the same a few years earlier after my mother had her final drastic stroke, and a day before we lost her, and I had found that helpful.
Being with Jan then enabled me to concentrate afterwards on her funeral being a real celebration of her life and, having seen her, I realised she was forever more to be all around me, in music, food, places, films, books - in everything we had shared. And that has been the reality.
I buried Jan's ashes, almost a year after the service, in the crematorium grounds, alongside a lovely river.
During January, in the flooding, the entire crematorium grounds were flooded, to the extent that the place is temporarily out of action and at present totally closed.
Some reports have come out of relatives being distraught over this, but I can't feel that, myself. I have a plaque for Jan on the memorial garden wall there and that is the focus of my visits, though I also always have a sit down close to where she lies.
My Mum was an ex-Wren, and her wish was to buried at sea - though we never managed that. I can't see much different compared to the flooding of a crematorium grounds, really.
Grannie G said:
I think it will still, to an extent, be about you both - how could it not be, after so many years and so much shared life? But yes, you are correct, you mustn't omit to live for yourself.
You were used to taking each day as it came with Dhiren, and now you need to do the same for yourself. Don't say no to anything, simply because you might have done so before. Think what would be best. But also, don't change anything just for the sake of changing it. Slow and sure is the way.
Above all, please keep this thread going on TP, if you feel able. Too little is written to cover this time, and a wider vision of how people manage is really needed for that, as well as for managing the dementia in a loved one. Over time you may have reflections on the past few years, and it would be really good if you could share them here.
It may be that you want to distance yourself from Dementiaworld for a time, or even forever. If so, everyone will understand, but just make sure you aren't slow in posting here whenever you feel the need.
My sister in law and I were with MIL when she passed.
We spent about the next four hours waiting for the funeral home to pick her up and just chatting between ourselves and including Mum.
It was peaceful, calm, and I will always remember it.
Kim
We spent about the next four hours waiting for the funeral home to pick her up and just chatting between ourselves and including Mum.
It was peaceful, calm, and I will always remember it.
Kim
Yes, I feel the same. "After life's fitful fever, he sleeps well ." There was such a sense of quiet. Indescribable. Very precious. Comforting. And I too feel my mum is still around. Just around the next corner, or in the next room. Particularly when I sit quietly and feel for her. X
I echo what others are saying. After dad died I sat with him for a couple of hours which helped me come to terms with the fact that he'd definitely gone. I did the same with mum because I knew it would help me not to worry that I was mistaken about her last breath.
I went to view dad because I wanted to (and also to check that he hadn't been mixed up with another chap with a near identical name who happened to be at the same funeral directors at the same time!)
I sat and talked to him, kissed his forehead, cut a lock of his hair and felt compelled to touch his nose for some reason, which makes me chuckle now. I took a photo too. Maybe others think that's macabre but I found it comforting.
I was upset that the funeral directors had dressed him in a synthetic gown when they'd told us he would be in white cotton - it was important for the natural burial and almost marred the whole experience. They later told me the polyester was biodegradable, well everything is in the end, but the whole point of him not wearing his normal clothes was that they were of synthetic material. We have not used the same company for mum for this reason.
I will go and see mum too but I don't feel as strongly about viewing her. The rest of my family have no desire to do so.
Sylvia, I am glad you were so comforted to sit with Dhiren and I think the funeral directors are very special to offer weekend viewing. x
I went to view dad because I wanted to (and also to check that he hadn't been mixed up with another chap with a near identical name who happened to be at the same funeral directors at the same time!)
I sat and talked to him, kissed his forehead, cut a lock of his hair and felt compelled to touch his nose for some reason, which makes me chuckle now. I took a photo too. Maybe others think that's macabre but I found it comforting.
I was upset that the funeral directors had dressed him in a synthetic gown when they'd told us he would be in white cotton - it was important for the natural burial and almost marred the whole experience. They later told me the polyester was biodegradable, well everything is in the end, but the whole point of him not wearing his normal clothes was that they were of synthetic material. We have not used the same company for mum for this reason.
I will go and see mum too but I don't feel as strongly about viewing her. The rest of my family have no desire to do so.
Sylvia, I am glad you were so comforted to sit with Dhiren and I think the funeral directors are very special to offer weekend viewing. x
I too am pleased that sitting with him has been a comfort to you. I regretted bitterly not seeing my Dad but I was only 14 and the decision was made for me and I didn't fight it, there was just too much pain around to make an issue of it.
I would see mum when the time comes.
I would see mum when the time comes.
The funeral director has just called to introduce himself and ask if I wanted him to take me to sit with Dhiren.
A service well beyond the call of duty.
Because the funeral isn`t until later tomorrow afternoon, I`d decided to sit with him tomorrow morning, thinking the flowers will have arrived and I could see them first.
I have ordered an Indian style garland made from orange Gerbera for the coffin and Helen has ordered one for round Dhiren`s neck.
The funeral director sat and chatted for a while, he told me about the operation to take the brain and how impressed he was with the way it was conducted.
He will phone the florist first thing in the morning , find out when the flowers will be delivered, pick me up to sit with Dhiren for one last time and bring me home so I will be here for Paul and the family to take me to the crematorium.
A service well beyond the call of duty.
Because the funeral isn`t until later tomorrow afternoon, I`d decided to sit with him tomorrow morning, thinking the flowers will have arrived and I could see them first.
I have ordered an Indian style garland made from orange Gerbera for the coffin and Helen has ordered one for round Dhiren`s neck.
The funeral director sat and chatted for a while, he told me about the operation to take the brain and how impressed he was with the way it was conducted.
He will phone the florist first thing in the morning , find out when the flowers will be delivered, pick me up to sit with Dhiren for one last time and bring me home so I will be here for Paul and the family to take me to the crematorium.
Gosh, that's a really sensitive funeral director you have there Sylvia.
I hope you feel comforted tomorrow morning in preparation for the afternoon.x
I hope you feel comforted tomorrow morning in preparation for the afternoon.x
so true....this man is showing the care and compassion that is so needed at this time and yet so often missing. He has done his utmost to make this a peaceful transition.
I am sure you will be content that everything is planned so that you can say your parting words to Dhiren for the life you have shared together. I'm pleased that Paul feels able to say a last goodbye to his Dad. I could not bring myself to see my Dad before his funeral. I was sure it would not be his face I saw. I knew already that he had gone away from this earth and I had said goodbye as he died.
So, I send you strength and comfort for tomorrow and the time to come.
Goodbye Dhiren, keep smiling.x.
I am so glad you have your son Paul to support you, he must be as wonderful a person as you, you should be very proud, will think of you and your lovely family tomorrow afternoon xx
Ange
Ange
I can imagine. I know you are there for each other. Perhaps the funeral service will help him.
I feel sure that you will both needs lots of support in the time to come and one day he'll be your rock and another you'll be his. (((hugs to you both))
I'm pleased that you found comfort in sitting with Dhiren. I couldn't visit my Dad although I sat with him after he died for a couple of hours or so until they came to take him. No one else wanted too and I didn't want to think of him on his own. My Dad meant the world to me and I also took a photo and don't think it's macabre! It's all so personal and we do what we think is right at the time.
Thinking of you all xx
Thinking of you all xx
I went to see both my grandmas, MIL and FIL, my OH could not bring himself to see his mum and dad, so I did it for him, it felt good that he was able to let me pass on his love and bless them on their final journey. When my gran passed, my daughter who was 11 didn't want to go, but sent a special teddy, my son was only 8 but he asked to go and see her, then he placed a bunch of wild flowers in her hand and a letter from his sister and him, the funeral director said he had never seen such selfless acts from ones so young, and I will always be proud of them.
Anne
Anne
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