Thank you the few for your generous comments, I feel as if I don't deserve any recognition here, because that is just how I feel. No matter what anyone tries to say it bounces off me unheard and unfelt. It is true, we can be our own worse self critics, and say things to ourselves we wouldn't dream of saying to anyone else.
I am at a loss to understand myself now, and I have to dig deep to find what it is that makes me feel so worthless in a world of mayhem. How do I get beyond the low self esteem and fight back?
Just lately I have a number of attacks at work about my situation that have been unwelcome and I thought I had passed off with no ill effect on me. But, that isn't true, people view me differently at work because I care for a person with Alzheimer's, and that has become increasingly felt. I have become the poor soul no one else wants to be and more importantly no one wants to understand.
I deal with mum and the anxieties that surround that and then I go to work and deal with a whole different perspective on top of what I deal with at home. People sense this, but instead of joining me and helping they build on my low self worth by hiking theirs and the situation becomes one of not being supported, but being made to feel even worse than before I walked into the work place.
It is only by very deep searching I can honestly qoute the next part of this which is taken from the Stanford Social Innovation Review about others self esteem and how it has a negative impact and I qoute :
"People with high self-esteem are also more likely to be bullies themselves. And so, although self-esteem has its benefits, they sometimes arise at other people’s expense."
Although we may feel great in our own world of high self esteem, we also need to be mindful that not everyone is experiencing the same. This doesn't mean we stop having a postive sense of self worth when things are good, what it does mean is that we exercise self control.
To be made to feel worthless and overlooked is possibly one of the worse things in the world one human being can do to another and recently that is how I have been treated and felt and for what? Because it magnifies another persons ego and boosts their own self esteem and to what end?
I am a good person, and I do lots of good things, but I don't do what some people do, forsake my human relationship in exchange for a hype, a quick 'feel good factor'. . When next I think about the things I do and the things I have done I must always remember to see the positive in me and not compare myself to some ego driven looser. Some things cannot be counted they just are.....