A lifelong friend and me

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Palerider, May 19, 2019.

  1. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    917
    Male
    North West
    The last couple of days I have been really struggling with a low self esteem /self worth and I feel rock bottom (again). I think some of this is because I have become so isolated, that when I do try to join in with friends and work stuff I have no confidence left -I'm a bit like the quite kid at the back of the classroom that never seems to speak up anymore. I don't know what to do about it, but feeling like this just isn't good and I've noticed a resentment creeping in that isn't like me at all...:(
     
  2. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    I’ve only “known” you a short time

    The person I met I found to be a funny, caring person, so to hear you are struggling with low esteem, let alone low self worth is sad to hear

    I have no answers to help you to get “back on track” as I still struggle with these issues too. The resentment is the hardest one....

    Ive being a lurker for a while, but to hear you saying how you feel, I just felt I needed to let you know that I have huge respect for you.

    You are a valuable person, not just as mums carer, but for who you are as a person and I’m so glad to have met you face to face

    Not much help to you right now to know that, and sorry, I do not know how to help you xxxx
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,755
    Kent
    One of my friends is struggling. She feels she is becoming more and more invisible as she ages and has less in common with what once was her social circle. She finds she is no longer able to contribute to the conversation as her range of experiences narrows and she is losing confidence.

    I told her this is the same for carers.
     
  4. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,717
    I totally understand this, the self doubt is crippling at times. I often think why would anyone want to spend time with me?
    I hope by the plethora of replies to your honest post that you might find some comfort & confidence. Your TP family are here for you. I call them the TP family because the support, advice & genuine care about other who post is like a lovely family unit.

    It’s difficult to shake these emotions, they can signal depression in some people; so talking to your GP would be a good idea.
    You are a truly lovely person, who undertakes a mammoth task in caring for a PWD. This is bound to take its toll, & constrict you not only mentally but emotionally.

    I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you but I am ( spookily according to the husband ) accurate at gauging & understanding people by their conversations & description of life experiences ; it just proves that all those years at university weren’t for nothing!!!

    Life before meeting my husband, having children, caring/looking after PWD, each have meant a reinvention of the person I believed I was. Each time I find myself changed & constrained by life events & circumstances- these experiences make us the people who we are. It’s easy to feel that you loose parts of yourself with each experience.

    Yes my friendship group has shrunk very dramatically, phone calls are the mainstay if any social interaction I have. Those are few & often instigated by others. My daughters friends calling to visit her are the only regular visitors to this house- apart from my friend who is also now my support worker (twenty four years of friendship, support worker of ten years & counting.) When I do events ( art markets etc) I see my Market Family another support network; it’s the highlight of my month. I’m baring my soul, so you can see you aren’t alone in this experience; but it’s easy to feel alienated from life at times.

    Sending you loads of ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))
    You are one of the rare actual superhumans who do so much & are an unseen hero on a daily basis; but are found on this forum.
    Love & (((hugs)))
     
  5. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    407
    Bedford
    I too suffer from low self esteem and wonder why anyone would seek my company. Having read your posts and what others have said better you seem to be an incredible caring and compassionate person. There are some amazing people on here and you indeed are one of them.
     
  6. Canbrit

    Canbrit New member

    Sep 9, 2019
    2
    Palerider, I can’t tell you how valuable your posts have been to me. I was attracted to the fact you talked about “lifelong friend” because that is how I felt about my Mum. For many reasons I have decided to go a different path, Mum is now in assisted living but your commitment and strength whilst going through your journey is amazing. Caring for a PWD is tiring, hard and all consuming. No wonder you feel the way you do. I admire all that you are doing and the fact that you have documented some of your journey helps people like me who need to draw strength from others experiences.

    With much admiration.

    Canbrit
     
  7. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    917
    Male
    North West
    Thank you the few for your generous comments, I feel as if I don't deserve any recognition here, because that is just how I feel. No matter what anyone tries to say it bounces off me unheard and unfelt. It is true, we can be our own worse self critics, and say things to ourselves we wouldn't dream of saying to anyone else.

    I am at a loss to understand myself now, and I have to dig deep to find what it is that makes me feel so worthless in a world of mayhem. How do I get beyond the low self esteem and fight back?

    Just lately I have a number of attacks at work about my situation that have been unwelcome and I thought I had passed off with no ill effect on me. But, that isn't true, people view me differently at work because I care for a person with Alzheimer's, and that has become increasingly felt. I have become the poor soul no one else wants to be and more importantly no one wants to understand.

    I deal with mum and the anxieties that surround that and then I go to work and deal with a whole different perspective on top of what I deal with at home. People sense this, but instead of joining me and helping they build on my low self worth by hiking theirs and the situation becomes one of not being supported, but being made to feel even worse than before I walked into the work place.

    It is only by very deep searching I can honestly qoute the next part of this which is taken from the Stanford Social Innovation Review about others self esteem and how it has a negative impact and I qoute :

    "People with high self-esteem are also more likely to be bullies themselves. And so, although self-esteem has its benefits, they sometimes arise at other people’s expense."
    Although we may feel great in our own world of high self esteem, we also need to be mindful that not everyone is experiencing the same. This doesn't mean we stop having a postive sense of self worth when things are good, what it does mean is that we exercise self control.

    To be made to feel worthless and overlooked is possibly one of the worse things in the world one human being can do to another and recently that is how I have been treated and felt and for what? Because it magnifies another persons ego and boosts their own self esteem and to what end?

    I am a good person, and I do lots of good things, but I don't do what some people do, forsake my human relationship in exchange for a hype, a quick 'feel good factor'. . When next I think about the things I do and the things I have done I must always remember to see the positive in me and not compare myself to some ego driven looser. Some things cannot be counted they just are.....
     
  8. Starbright

    Starbright Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    447
    Female
    I’m so sorry your feeling low @Palerider and yes your giving your all caring for your mum and holding down a responsible job. Please don’t beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself . I say this with tongue in cheek because I too am feeling a bit low .Soooo I think for me a huge chunk of chocolate maybe.
    (((( hugs and more hugs )))) A x
     
  9. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    370
    Female
    South East
    Hi @Palerider , I don’t really know what the right things to say are o_O Only to agree with the others, You and the many other kind caring posters on here helped me hugely through the first difficult days . Sending you a big hug and warm wishes . Please be kind to you. X
     
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,717
    Work places are full of ego & bluff & bluster! To show humanity for some is to be found showing weakness.

    My husband talks of the identical situation at his work, the trampling of others to remain in pole position. Alpha male / female role.

    It reminds me of the comedy/ parody
    “The Office”
    I couldn’t watch it as it was so close to actual work environments. I cringed.

    You are feeling vulnerable at the moment, & work isn’t the escape or balm of normality that it should be.

    I try & not give others the opportunity to make me feel belittled. I find that by controlling what information I share about my personal life helps. People are nosey, natural curiosity let them ask you & be blasé about it. By taking back control of giving out personal information will limit others abilities to use that information against you.

    Then come onto TP & vent vent vent!

    Anger can be used to positive outcomes!
    Believe me I have very clean floors!!!!
     
  11. Moggymad

    Moggymad Registered User

    May 12, 2017
    396
    Female
    #531 Moggymad, Sep 23, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2019
    Hi @Palerider are you familiar with the poem DESIDERATA by Max Erhmann? If not please google it. (Sorry I don't know how to put a link here). I have always found the wise words so soothing for the soul in times of sadness & inner turmoil, like a big comfort blanket. Never forget that you matter very much to a lot of people X
     
  12. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,717
    My Biological mum loved the Desiderata
    Its of comfort x
     
  13. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,609
    @DesperateofDevon I use that same approach of withholding information especially with certain family members. One of which believes she is very important and has previously used information to try and belittle me. I don't know why she is like this but she always has been.

    I tell her nothing.
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,717
    Bubble poppers! That’s the polite name....
     
  15. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,609
    Bubble poppers, I like that @DesperateofDevon and thank you I will try to take care of myself in response to my other post but it's hard sometimes when I really feel like banging my head against the wall.

    Dad has a lovely neighbour (not a bubble popper at all) and she comes in for a coffee now and then which is nice and she keeps me supplied with jigsaws, in fact I could almost say we have a jigsaw club. The thing is she always tells me what a wonderful job I am doing looking after dad and this always leaves me feeling completely deflated too. Apparently I am quite marvellous but I don't feel that way.

    Watching Portillo on a train journey through India at the moment. That would by marvellous.
     
  16. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,717
    Delhi belly! That would be my journey through India on a train - in the loo!!!
    X
    Yep you are marvellous the fact that you don’t feel it confirms that fact!
    Xx
     
  17. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    917
    Male
    North West

    Thanks @Moggymad I found it, what a wonderful poem. Heres the link for anyone who wants to read

    https://allpoetry.com/Desiderata---Words-for-Life
     
  18. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    917
    Male
    North West
    I have become a master at self management of depression and anxiety, something I have had to deal with from 2007. Life before that was quite 'normal' and happy. It is difficult to filter out why I feel this way lately, as one aspect such as low self worth can fuel the other such as depression (which is a mix of things in itself).

    This isn't depression, this is experiencing other people who have no insight into how their behaviour impacts on others, which then feeds the low self esteem to a devestating effect. Then I withdraw, and people ask why? The whole cycle becomes difficult to get out of. But sometimes it is best to take a step back and see how things pan out, at work groups have an uncanny knack of falling apart as things escalate between the group members. There is a lot of competiveness between some colleagues (who are not friends) at the moment and this is part of the problem -something I see now I have taken the time to reflect on where these feelings come from. You are right @DesperateofDevon it is not always wise to volunteer information as I have found out of late.


    They may destroy each other as people do, but they will not do it to me.
     
  19. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    917
    Male
    North West
    I like that term 'bubble poppers' -mmm I may put that into conversation next time
     
  20. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    917
    Male
    North West

    I would give anthing to sit back on a train journey and watch the world go by right now. Mum always comments on Portillos dress sense, not sure where gets some of his colour matching from??
     

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