You know it will come, but nevertheless it is a shock
- Thread starter Brucie
- Start date
Bruce
Your words brought tears to my eyes as did the bbc article. Jan would have been so proud of you. You have done everything possible and more. There will be days of sadness but I also hope that you have days of enjoyment and happiness in the new style of life which is ahead of you.
Wishing you peace and joy in the future and courage when the shadows darken.
(((hugs)))
Mameeskye
Your words brought tears to my eyes as did the bbc article. Jan would have been so proud of you. You have done everything possible and more. There will be days of sadness but I also hope that you have days of enjoyment and happiness in the new style of life which is ahead of you.
Wishing you peace and joy in the future and courage when the shadows darken.
(((hugs)))
Mameeskye
Sounds like a beautiful day! Through all the pain and anguish you must have gone through over the years, it is your love for Jan that always shines through. I'm glad you feel at peace - you certainly deserve to. I'm sure you will remember and treasure this day despite it's underlying sadness.
Best Wishes,
Gill x
Best Wishes,
Gill x
Bruce I was very touched by your thought that when the journey is over you can stand down. I know well that feeling of being on alert all the time, in fact I often complain that being a dementia carer is a 24 hour on call job, something that few "outsiders" realise.
I know yours has been a long journey and starting at a young age. I have been looking after Ray for eleven years with stroke damage and since 2005 dementia so ours is the long haul too. I am 63, he is about to turn 68.
I am glad you gave your wife a great send-off and the weather favoured you. It is what we all want to do, put a dignified ending on what can sometimes be a chaotic life.
Sue.
I know yours has been a long journey and starting at a young age. I have been looking after Ray for eleven years with stroke damage and since 2005 dementia so ours is the long haul too. I am 63, he is about to turn 68.
I am glad you gave your wife a great send-off and the weather favoured you. It is what we all want to do, put a dignified ending on what can sometimes be a chaotic life.
Sue.
BBC news article
I read the piece on the BBC health website and was very touched - I was surprised to find that my husband had opened that page on the Internet too - I don't know how much he read or understood but I'm amazed at how your openness has enabled many many people to open their minds and hearts to the difficulties people with dementia and their carers face
xx
I read the piece on the BBC health website and was very touched - I was surprised to find that my husband had opened that page on the Internet too - I don't know how much he read or understood but I'm amazed at how your openness has enabled many many people to open their minds and hearts to the difficulties people with dementia and their carers face
xx
Dear Bruce,
Your love for Jan shone through the interview on Radio 4..it was very moving to hear your words.
Thanks for sharing yesterday with us...it sounded like a very fitting and loving farewell to a wonderful lady.
It's good to hear that you now feel peace.
Wishing you continued peace and hope for the days ahead.
Love xx
Your love for Jan shone through the interview on Radio 4..it was very moving to hear your words.
Thanks for sharing yesterday with us...it sounded like a very fitting and loving farewell to a wonderful lady.
It's good to hear that you now feel peace.
Wishing you continued peace and hope for the days ahead.
Love xx
Dear Bruce
Well, I thought about you on Wednesday (as well as Thursday), as we attended the funeral of my husband's favourite cousin, and hoped your day on Thursday would be as memorable. Ours was a very small funeral. We were part of the Chief Mourners group. Gordon had been something of a recluse since his wife died about 15 years ago, and he suffered Parkinson's Disease. So he had lost contact with friends. So family were important. I was heartened as to how many cousins had turned up to support his children (whom we had never met as they all live abroad) and his brother. And several grandchildren too.
I won't bore anyone with the details, but suffice to say my husband had put the wrong postcode into the Sat Nav and after driving three times through the wrong village we eventually followed the wrong funeral to the wrong cemetery, before finding the right one, just as the chapel doors were closing.
Phew.
Brucie, I must say that your choice of music was wonderful, it could not have been more fitting for Jan, she would have been proud of you.
We are all proud of you.
You have touched all our lives, in many ways. I wish you peace, and happiness for the future, knowing that you did your absolute best for your wife.
Love
Margaret
Well, I thought about you on Wednesday (as well as Thursday), as we attended the funeral of my husband's favourite cousin, and hoped your day on Thursday would be as memorable. Ours was a very small funeral. We were part of the Chief Mourners group. Gordon had been something of a recluse since his wife died about 15 years ago, and he suffered Parkinson's Disease. So he had lost contact with friends. So family were important. I was heartened as to how many cousins had turned up to support his children (whom we had never met as they all live abroad) and his brother. And several grandchildren too.
I won't bore anyone with the details, but suffice to say my husband had put the wrong postcode into the Sat Nav and after driving three times through the wrong village we eventually followed the wrong funeral to the wrong cemetery, before finding the right one, just as the chapel doors were closing.
Phew.
Brucie, I must say that your choice of music was wonderful, it could not have been more fitting for Jan, she would have been proud of you.
We are all proud of you.
You have touched all our lives, in many ways. I wish you peace, and happiness for the future, knowing that you did your absolute best for your wife.
Love
Margaret
In gratitude
Firstly, Margaret - brilliant recounting of something that must have been very traumatic at the time! Well done for getting to the right funeral in time!
I know how traumatic these things can be because the traffic jam I encountered threw me into a real tizz. After all the planning, to be late for Jan's funeral would have been dreadful. Fortunately, speed cameras were not around that day, but I really don't recommend taking speed bumps at 40mph on a regular basis. No wonder the passengers were moaning.
I am still working through a myriad of things that must yet be done.
I have time to take a look at myself and analyse what is going on.
Firstly, I'm not wracked with grief. Yes, I'm grieving, yes, I have lost a soul-mate, yes I have really bad moments. But my overwhelming feeling is one of gratitude. Actually, of many forms of gratitude.
Firstly, gratitude to Jan, for making my life, but also for not making our parting as horrible as it might have been. Jan drifted off, at peace, having held on to me for the final three days, giving me time to say everything I wanted to say, and to maintain a thread of contact from herself through increasingly weak squeezes of her hand.
A gratitude I will spend the rest of my life repaying, to Nina and her/our family, who saw me through the last seven years, when things were really horrible at times. For visiting Jan when I couldn't.
Gratitude to so many friends, old and new, and my family, who came to the funeral to respect Jan and to support me, and to make the service one of celebration of someone so, so special.
Gratitude to Gail, the minister who took the trouble to give me tea and spend ages with me, learning about Jan, as we planned the funeral service. Gail put things into the service about Jan that I had forgotten I had mentioned, and she embraced my new family too. Gail also found a gem of an organist in Gina. When I thanked her yesterday - she had departed after the service so I had never met her [Gina didn't want to intrude at the time of the service] - she said people generally don't think to do that.
Gratitude for the weather on the day, brilliant, warm sunshine.
Gratitude for the funeral directors, who so tenderly looked after my girl, and were brilliant throughout
Gratitude that I was given the strength to do as much as I could until the end. No, I couldn't look after Jan at home myself, her condition was, from 2001, simply beyond home care with the resources that were available. Yes, I berate myself for that, and also for not being with her as she took her final breath, but otherwise, I am at peace with myself.
Gratitude that, somehow, we had nearly nine years of NHS Continuing Care funding plus quite a bit more care as Jan had 1-to-1 funding also for that time. I put the reason for that fully down to my local branch of the Alzheimer's Society, and to Ronnie Callanan, who worked there at the time.
Gratitude with the knowledge that, even with funding, without a good care home, it can all go pear-shaped. The care home that was assigned by the PCT happens to be, in my view, one of the best for care in the country. Not the best looking - it was there for the most difficult cases, so became quite worn - but with amazing staff, and an outstanding manager. I am so pleased the BBC wanted this week to write its name large on the web site and in the interview.
Gratitude for the times when TP came to my rescue, and for the good friends I have made here.
Many, many more expressions of gratitude, but most of all, to Nina, for showing me that there can be something after one has lost someone as dear as Jan. For standing back, while supporting me, even when it hurt her to the core. For giving me a new family. But most of all for accepting that Jan will always be written on my heart and in my life.
Finally, always finally, back to Jan. The minister said that the pearl that Jan had given me was the ability to love. I didn't know what the word meant before we met and it has guided my life since.
Most of the tears I have shed this week have been in gratitude. Jan is back with me all the time in everything I do. Until 22nd August Jan was suffering and had been for many years. Now she is not, and I am so grateful for that.
Firstly, Margaret - brilliant recounting of something that must have been very traumatic at the time! Well done for getting to the right funeral in time!
I know how traumatic these things can be because the traffic jam I encountered threw me into a real tizz. After all the planning, to be late for Jan's funeral would have been dreadful. Fortunately, speed cameras were not around that day, but I really don't recommend taking speed bumps at 40mph on a regular basis. No wonder the passengers were moaning.
I am still working through a myriad of things that must yet be done.
I have time to take a look at myself and analyse what is going on.
Firstly, I'm not wracked with grief. Yes, I'm grieving, yes, I have lost a soul-mate, yes I have really bad moments. But my overwhelming feeling is one of gratitude. Actually, of many forms of gratitude.
Firstly, gratitude to Jan, for making my life, but also for not making our parting as horrible as it might have been. Jan drifted off, at peace, having held on to me for the final three days, giving me time to say everything I wanted to say, and to maintain a thread of contact from herself through increasingly weak squeezes of her hand.
A gratitude I will spend the rest of my life repaying, to Nina and her/our family, who saw me through the last seven years, when things were really horrible at times. For visiting Jan when I couldn't.
Gratitude to so many friends, old and new, and my family, who came to the funeral to respect Jan and to support me, and to make the service one of celebration of someone so, so special.
Gratitude to Gail, the minister who took the trouble to give me tea and spend ages with me, learning about Jan, as we planned the funeral service. Gail put things into the service about Jan that I had forgotten I had mentioned, and she embraced my new family too. Gail also found a gem of an organist in Gina. When I thanked her yesterday - she had departed after the service so I had never met her [Gina didn't want to intrude at the time of the service] - she said people generally don't think to do that.
Gratitude for the weather on the day, brilliant, warm sunshine.
Gratitude for the funeral directors, who so tenderly looked after my girl, and were brilliant throughout
Gratitude that I was given the strength to do as much as I could until the end. No, I couldn't look after Jan at home myself, her condition was, from 2001, simply beyond home care with the resources that were available. Yes, I berate myself for that, and also for not being with her as she took her final breath, but otherwise, I am at peace with myself.
Gratitude that, somehow, we had nearly nine years of NHS Continuing Care funding plus quite a bit more care as Jan had 1-to-1 funding also for that time. I put the reason for that fully down to my local branch of the Alzheimer's Society, and to Ronnie Callanan, who worked there at the time.
Gratitude with the knowledge that, even with funding, without a good care home, it can all go pear-shaped. The care home that was assigned by the PCT happens to be, in my view, one of the best for care in the country. Not the best looking - it was there for the most difficult cases, so became quite worn - but with amazing staff, and an outstanding manager. I am so pleased the BBC wanted this week to write its name large on the web site and in the interview.
Gratitude for the times when TP came to my rescue, and for the good friends I have made here.
Many, many more expressions of gratitude, but most of all, to Nina, for showing me that there can be something after one has lost someone as dear as Jan. For standing back, while supporting me, even when it hurt her to the core. For giving me a new family. But most of all for accepting that Jan will always be written on my heart and in my life.
Finally, always finally, back to Jan. The minister said that the pearl that Jan had given me was the ability to love. I didn't know what the word meant before we met and it has guided my life since.
Most of the tears I have shed this week have been in gratitude. Jan is back with me all the time in everything I do. Until 22nd August Jan was suffering and had been for many years. Now she is not, and I am so grateful for that.
Dear Bruce
I just read your message about Thursday. Many messages on TP have me in tears, but your description of how Thursday went has moved me in a way that makes tears seem totally inadequate. I don't know how to describe it, except that my heart goes out to you and Jan.
With love
Christine
xxx
I just read your message about Thursday. Many messages on TP have me in tears, but your description of how Thursday went has moved me in a way that makes tears seem totally inadequate. I don't know how to describe it, except that my heart goes out to you and Jan.
With love
Christine
xxx
