You know it will come, but nevertheless it is a shock

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Brucie, Aug 22, 2010.

  1. Rosie

    Rosie Registered User

    Jun 10, 2004
    235
    South East Wales, UK.
    Hello Brucie, i have only just read your posting about the passing away of your wife, i am so sorry to hear your sad news. I always remember you as one of the first people i had a reply from when i first logged onto TP. You told me that Jan was from Neath originally? Which of course is just down the road from where i live. I hope you are taking care of yourself & have plenty of support, thinking of you at this sad time, love Rosie x x
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Rosie

    Nice to hear from you.

    Yes, Jan was a Neath girl. She attended Neath Grammar School and then, what is now the Royal Welsh School of Music and Drama in Cardiff.

    We were married at St Thomas' Church in Neath.

    I have wonderful support thanks, as I slowly come to terms with a world without Jan's physical presence. She is all around me still, of course.

    I hope you are well.

    best wishes
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Well, thanks for the warning, but actually it took all of 4 minutes and would have been shorter if I could have understood the Probate Officer's English and didn't have to ask her to repeat a few things.

    The benefit was that the meeting was entirely unemotional, even being on Jan's birthday.

    I have two weeks to wait for the paperwork to be sent to me.

    The meeting consisted of my identity being confirmed, my reading and agreeing Jan's and my name, and agreeing that the sum of her estate was below the Inheritance Tax limit, then my swearing on the Bible that this was all true.

    I guess we had a very simple situation, in that I was sole Executor, and sole beneficiary, and was Jan's husband. On that basis I would say to anyone in a similar situation that completing the Probate forms and arranging Probate is something easily done, with no need for recourse to solicitors etc., and with a total cost of £90 plus £1 each for copies of the Probate that are requested at the time.
     
  4. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    am glad all went well.

    ours is this thursday.
     
  5. Jo1958

    Jo1958 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2010
    3,724
    Yorkshire
    Bruce, hi
    I am so pleased to hear that it went well and was short and business like. I've been worrying that I was a bit blunt and my comments might have been upsetting and hurtful to you, I didn't mean them to be but, well. I'm relieved that it is done and dusted now and you can move on and get things settled.
    Take care of yourself, kind regards, Jo
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Jo

    please don't worry - your words were absolutely fine.

    I always like to know all the possible downsides, so that I can be pleasantly surprised that some event has passed better than it might have!
     
  7. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hi Bruce, glad you found ‘the process’ so straightforward.

    For emotional wrecks like me who saw it as a very significant ‘event’ in the loss and grieving process :eek:, Lin posted this thread a while back in the 'Loss’ section ... one of those on TP threads ‘wish it had been there before I needed it’ ...

    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?t=27495

    Hope it goes well for you, Lin .... and anyone else facing ‘the task’ ... who doesn't find it quite the same 'breeze'.

    Sorry, Bruce I am not in a good place myself right now, but frankly, I find your latest posts quite disturbing and desperately unhelpful to those who don't/didn't quite see the event as some 'business transaction' and for some people in great turmoil with their grief ... it might as well be 'rocket science'.:( and money spent on a solicitor excluding them from a painful process may be well spent.

    RIP, Jan.

    Karen
     
  8. Scottie45

    Scottie45 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2009
    1,409
    CoAntrim
    Dear Bruce

    Glad all went well for you,take care Marian xx
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,340
    Kent
    Dear Bruce

    I`m glad the probate was short and efficient .
     
  10. florence43

    florence43 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2009
    1,484
    London
    Really pleased it wasn't a difficult time for you. I also did my dad's probate. I left it a little while, but once I threw myself in, I found it strangely therapeutic. I suppose I "missed" the chaos that was the end of his life, and by doing this myself I felt a sort of slowing-down of the stress.

    Obviously, there was also a significant financial saving, and dad didn't have much, all of it going straight to mum. What we saved has helped with the costs of her NH (as Bruce said, it was £90 + £4 for 4 copies). But I, personally, benefited emotionally.

    I can very much sympathise with people who have solicitors involved. For many reasons, it would be the better option. For me, it wasn't, but as I said, I think it was the slow goodbye I needed after such an abrupt departure.

    I'm glad it went smoothly for you Bruce.
     
  11. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Sorry Karen that you find my posts disturbing. I am simply explaining how it was, and while some people experience turmoil, others don't, for a variety of reasons.

    We all tell it, as it affects us. For some people the act of going through the Probate process themselves is in itself part of the healing, an extension of the caring that they have done over many years. Shame it is not helpful to some, hopefully it is helpful to others.

    and that is what TP is about - balance. It is important that different experiences and different views are presented here.

    Ignoring your underlying meaning, yes, that and it is her birthday today. A first birthday freed from dementia. How can I not say "Happy Birthday"?

    A final note.
    I wrote the meeting was unemotional. Meeting a stranger, in a strange place, reciting some facts. I didn't say the event was unemotional. Just the meeting.

    Ciao
     
  12. Jo1958

    Jo1958 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2010
    3,724
    Yorkshire
    Bruce, hi
    Sending you a (((Hug))) and knowing how you are missing Jan on her birthday.
    Cheers, Jo
     

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  13. normelle

    normelle Registered User

    Apr 25, 2010
    612
    bournemouth
    hi brucie

    i too am waiting for probate to be concluded,but i have done daves with our lawyer.it has taken ages so far,and it was only last week,(i think) that i had to go to lawyers office to swear on oath,in front of yet another lawyer.YES dave did leave a will,but they told me that as he had money in his own name ...I.S.A.s that then everything has to go to probate.i even had to get the house valued..NOW it gets sent to winchester court,,,,and depending on how busy they are ,she said (anything from 5 days to 5/6 weeks)...as you all know dave has been gone over 16weeks now,,,,so i hope it doesnt take too much longer.

    like you say its so very painful,having to go through a sort of losing him all over again,,,only on paper.

    AND again,one is NOT allowed to give any bequeaths,until you have the GRAND OF PROBATE ORDER/CERTIFICATE...THEN LAWYER WILL SENT OFF t land registry to have daves name taken off the deeds.it is awful we have to do these things,but it saves a hella.of.a.lot of complications when it is my turn.
    by the way,,,i hope that is not for years yet.

    i do feel for you brucie,you are there for all of us,and im sorry i dont contribute that much advise to antone.

    take care....love normelle xx
     
  14. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    14,697
    Dear Bruce,

    I think your response was superb and I am glad that you got through such an emotive day as smoothly as you did:)

    Love
     
  15. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Jan had 3 bank accounts in her own name [we never had joint accounts], including an ISA account, and of course, half the house. I had opened two of those accounts under the EPA, and all are still open and usable, though I have left them since paying funeral expenses from them.

    Half the value of the mortgage protection endowment life policy had to be detailed on the probate forms, with the rest.

    More than the probate process, the closing of the accounts and the removal of Jan's name from the house deeds will be painful once the grant of probate comes through, as if erasing her from everyday life. The key for me though is that Jan is all around me, always has been, always will be.

    Thanks Normelle, Helen, Jo, Florence, Sylvia and Marion :)
     
  16. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Hi Bruce,

    You know that probate meeting sticks in my mind. I sat outside having got all accounts in order and paperwork just so expecting a long chat and lots of questions and some eye contact. But nothing, just a signature a rubber stamp and a few carefully chosen words. It was the same when I registered mum's death, again very formal and a few leaflets crossed the table. Shame that some things we have to face once or twice in our life are shrouded in secrecy. Thank goodness for forums like TP!

    Good of you to share you experience and throw some clarity on the proceedings, thanks!

    I agree with this totally. When I did the probate for mum I had a friend who lost her husband at the same time. She had so many more delays and more hold ups waiting for solicitors letters etc etc. There are complex situations that need professional help, but I found the probate a lot simpler than expected.

    Thinking of you
    Cheers
    Craig
     
  17. sonia owen

    sonia owen Registered User

    Sorry

    Just spent your time holding hands. Such care such love all around you both. The gift of giving yourself for all those years.
    Look after yourself today and always.
    Love Sonia xxx
     
  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I was really shock to read of Jan passing,am so sorry that Jan has passed away.

    I do hope by now probate is finally sorted out and all financial matter and you can finally grieve properly, I just say that because it took a whole year to sort my son financial matter out.

    Wishing you all the best for the future xx
     
  19. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Margarita, nice to see you here again!

    I've just been away on a short break, and yesterday, on my return, the letter from the Probate Registry was waiting for me, at last.

    I had mucked it up originally in early September, as I found it quite a hard thing to complete, emotionally, and when I sent off the forms, I forgot to include my cheque.

    I realised almost immediately and posted it with a covering letter, and phoned them to say it was on its way, but they never managed to link the payment [they had cashed the cheque immediately] with the paperwork.

    I had a phone call from someone at the Probate Office [working from home, in the evening], asking where the payment was, and I explained. Nothing happened, and so a couple of weeks later I rang again, and gave the cheque number, date of cashing, sort code etc. finally this got through.

    Apparently staff at the Probate Office need to do work regularly at home to try and clear the backlog.

    Tomorrow I will contact the banks that hold Jan's accounts and begin to close things down. This I'll find very hard to do because, in effect, I will be deleting Jan from everything except my memories and photographs.

    It's a long old process.
     
  20. Jo1958

    Jo1958 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2010
    3,724
    Yorkshire
    Brucie, hi
    I've been thinking about you and hoping that you are OK, good that you've had a break before this next stage.

    My heart goes out to you as you get those banking and property details sorted, take care of yourself, best wishes, Jo
     

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