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Welcome to Talking Point - introduce yourself here

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Whaley

New member
Jan 9, 2018
1
Hi there, I’m new to this forum and I would like to introduce myself. I am married with two children and grandchildren. My mum has Alzheimer’s & Vascular Dementia she was diagnosed one year ago next month. My mum is in a care home she has been there for 11months. I am working looking after my family visiting mum and looking after my dad. I am just starting to accept mums diagnosis but it is very hard. I joined this group for support and advice from people in a similar situation.
 

lostboy

New member
Jan 9, 2018
3
Hello everyone,
I have just joined and learning to use this super facility. My partner has Dementia for five years now and has been in a care home for some months. He is older than me but this horrible disease has totally destroyed our life in so many ways.
I cry a lot since he went to the care home and the guilt I feel is horrendous. I see him nearly every day and as he deteriorates I am heartbroken. I understand how other people feel who are experiencing the same thing. He was my life and a huge support and guide to me and now the role has reversed somewhat. It's very difficult to accept.
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,749
Kent
Oh, @Whaley and @lostboy ...welcome to Talking Point, but how very sad that this horrible disease has affected you. You will find lots of people on the forum in just your situation, with a parent or spouse in a care home. I truly hope you find the comfort here, that so many have, in being able to have somewhere to share your feelings, answer your questions and know that when someone says ‘I know how you feel’, they really do.
As for feeling guilty...you will find many references here to the GM...the guilt monster. We don’t like to give him a lot of space...in fact, we share a big stick to poke him with.
You will see, as you read through various posts, that any feelings or problems you have are not unusual. In time, you may want to start threads of your own. Meanwhile...welcome.
 

FrazzleCat

New member
Jan 2, 2018
8
Hello, excuse me for butting in...I just read this post and the thought that occurred to me is that you must have been very frightened and stressed...and I know when I am like that, I get a bit paranoid. Maybe the paramedic wasn’t annoyed...and the Dr has told you to call the paramedics...so you are doing what you were told. And maybe the notes said Mum was ‘uncooperative’ because it is a medical term? That she wasn’t trying to get up...and that’s how they phrase it? As I say, just a thought. I am glad you have found TP...
,
Hi. Yes you are probably right.
 

Scotty18

New member
Jan 9, 2018
4
Hi,my husband has been diagnosed with moderate Alzheimers .He doesn’t believe the diagnosis and says it’s age.He gets quite snappy at times,at the minute he has a health problem he’s taking medication for.lm giving this to him but he accuses me of treating him as a child.Has anyone any tips please?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,404
South coast
Hello @Scotty18 and welcome to Talking Point.

My husband is always accusing me of treating him like a child too. It is very common for people with dementia to not believe that they have dementia (its called anosognosia) and there is no way that you can make them believe it. I never use the word "dementia" to my husband - I just say "memory problems". When he accuses me of treating him like a child I just say "oh, Im so sorry - I didnt mean to" and carry on.

You will find lots of support here. Have a look around and you will probably find many people going through the same problems as yourself. Do feel free to start a new thread if there is a specific problem that you want to talk about.
 

whatproblem

Registered User
Jan 9, 2018
30
Hello everyone,
I have just joined and learning to use this super facility. My partner has Dementia for five years now and has been in a care home for some months. He is older than me but this horrible disease has totally destroyed our life in so many ways.
I cry a lot since he went to the care home and the guilt I feel is horrendous. I see him nearly every day and as he deteriorates I am heartbroken. I understand how other people feel who are experiencing the same thing. He was my life and a huge support and guide to me and now the role has reversed somewhat. It's very difficult to accept.
Hi lostboy. My heart goes out to you. Just don't feel guilty. We are all helpless in the face of dementia and none of us can fix our loved ones' problems, only look after them as best we can. If you see him every day, you are doing more than most.
 

Scotty18

New member
Jan 9, 2018
4
I didn’t introduce myself very well.lm new to all this and have no real idea what lm doing.My 72 year old husband was diaganosed with moderate Alzheimers last April.lm in touch with Alzheimers Society and a career phones me regular but lm a very private person and hold my cards close to my chest.l thought l could manage looking after him by myself as l cared for my mum with dementia(she was so placid)then my mum in law with dementia(she was aggressive)but lm coming across so many obstacles that l don’t know how to cross.Hes still able to socialise at his gym with his friends but he does and says lots he doesn’t remember.Hes very negative of his diagnosis and says l exaggerate things.lts so frustrating when this happens.The man l married 38year ago is slowly drifting away from me and lm angry l can’t help him.l feel guilty if l snap back when he snaps at me.lts so different to my mum n mum in law.How do l go forward from here?
 

Scotty18

New member
Jan 9, 2018
4
Hello @Scotty18 and welcome to Talking Point.

My husband is always accusing me of treating him like a child too. It is very common for people with dementia to not believe that they have dementia (its called anosognosia) and there is no way that you can make them believe it. I never use the word "dementia" to my husband - I just say "memory problems". When he accuses me of treating him like a child I just say "oh, Im so sorry - I didnt mean to" and carry on.

You will find lots of support here. Have a look around and you will probably find many people going through the same problems as yourself. Do feel free to start a new thread if there is a specific problem that you want to talk about.
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
Kent
I didn’t introduce myself very well.lm new to all this and have no real idea what lm doing.My 72 year old husband was diaganosed with moderate Alzheimers last April.lm in touch with Alzheimers Society and a career phones me regular but lm a very private person and hold my cards close to my chest.l thought l could manage looking after him by myself as l cared for my mum with dementia(she was so placid)then my mum in law with dementia(she was aggressive)but lm coming across so many obstacles that l don’t know how to cross.Hes still able to socialise at his gym with his friends but he does and says lots he doesn’t remember.Hes very negative of his diagnosis and says l exaggerate things.lts so frustrating when this happens.The man l married 38year ago is slowly drifting away from me and lm angry l can’t help him.l feel guilty if l snap back when he snaps at me.lts so different to my mum n mum in law.How do l go forward from here?
No two people with dementia are the same, other people with experience of your situation can offer more advice, best wishes
 

Bex97

New member
Jan 10, 2018
2
Hi!
My grandad has recently gone into a home having been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and naturally we all find it very difficult. He’s a different person and has so far been aggressive to family, staff and other residents. It’s not him at all. It makes me very sad to see him this way, as he does seem to be deteriorating now, but none more so than my dad who is taking it really hard and having a tough time with the situation! As I’m at university at the moment, I’m not really sure what to do or how to help so I’m looking for any advice which I’d be so grateful for. Also any experiences on how dementia/Alzheimer’s can progress and advice for the future.
Many thanks.
 

denzil

Registered User
Jan 10, 2018
19
hi everyone. my name is sharon and my mam has Alzheimer's she is 85 in bad health with spinal problems since birth. her mobility isn't good she has chronic asthma and copd. her memory is declining rapidly which was put down to post op trauma as she has had 2 falls leading to breaking a hip each time and also a fall with a broken shoulder all within 6 month. but the diagnosis came today that her memory loss is dementia. she lives in sheltered extra care with 4 care calls a day plus 24 hr carers on site if needed. I do all her household chores shopping and financials. and my brother and sister pop in to visit her a couple of times a week. but basically keep her company and chat everything else is left to me and my daughter to do. I have a disabled husband and have arthritis and back problems myself. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to cope and give her the support she needs
 

Jellywelly

New member
Jan 11, 2018
1
Hi there. I have joined talking point due to my grandad transitioning to a care home at the moment. Its all happening incredibly fast. My nan went into hospital full time so grandad went into temporary restbit, she has now made the decision to keep him in permanently but the care home he’s in have issued a safe guarding concern. My nan and my aunt had a meeting to determine what would happen, I asked to be included and was told I would be kept up to date, I also made a suggestion which I feel would work for everyone. I live 3-3 and a half hours away. Since Nanny put grandad into restbite she has visited him stating that she’s been told by others that he’d become aggressive to her for putting him in there. Ive visited and had no sure thing happen. I advised her to visit him and see for herself but she refused.

Due to this I suggested that he be moved to a care home nearer to me so I can ensure that he’ll get daily visits. I didn’t feel like my nan was listening to me and therefore not even considering it. I spoke with the care home who said it could be an option.
It has now been decided that he will stay in the area he is in, in a place which doesn’t have good reviews and was in the paper for care concerns last June.
I’m an genuinely trying to do what’s best in this new situation. I cannot stand thinking of my grandad in that place without any visitors. I am also struggling to have my voice heard by my nan who has not kept her promise to update me, I am having to ring her and only getting text messages back with basic details.
I am not biologically my grandads daughter obviously but I grew up with no father, grandad performing that role beautifully so it is hurting so much that I cannot do more to help him and my biggest fear is that he’ll deteriorate quicker in a home and I won’t be able to spend time with him.
I know my nan has had heartbreaking decisions to make but I am trying to ensure both hers and my grandads needs are cared for by suggesting he be moved to where I live. I would bring my nan down to see my grandad if she wanted to do that but I can’t do anything without her permission.
If anyone knows of anyway to intervene or has been through a similar thing please let me know, I really don’t want to lose the relationship I have with my nan but I’m getting more and more frustrated and deflated by not being included or heard when I think of what my grandad would want.
 
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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,765
Kent
Hello @Jellywelly. Welcome to Talking Point.

Your nan will have had to make a heartbreaking decision to accept residential care for your granddad so all you can do is be as supportive as possible.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,246
Yorkshire
hello @Bex97
welcome to TP
I'll bet your granddad of old would be really proud that you are at university and be happy that you concentrate on your studies and look to your future
not an easy time for your family - so it's good that you've joined TP and can mooch around the site for information - there's also a good few factsheets on the main AS site (see button at extreme top right of the page)
it's kind of you to be concerned about your dad - might you mention TP to him so he can chat with others in similar positions (you don't have to say that you are already a member as the site is anonymous)
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,246
Yorkshire
hello @Jellywelly
welcome to TP
it's lovely that you are so concerned for your granddad and want to help
I do agree with Grannie G that the best help you can give right now is to support your nan in her decisions, even though you have some concerns about what is happening
it may be that your nan is following advice to let your granddad settle; it may be that she is so distraught and even exhausted by what has been and is happening that she needs time to look after her own health and welfare so she feels able to visit
she will be grieving for the life she expected to be living with the man she married and grieving for the loss of that man and finding her own way to cope with the emergence of the man your granddad now is - and be so very sad that she cannot be the one to look after him at home anymore - she may even feel guilty about not being able to have him home even though it's no fault of hers; it's the sad result of the dementia
it may sound to you that moving your granddad to be near you is a possible way of helping him - you say, though, that you are 3 hours away which would make visiting for your nan very difficult (she may not be visiting today but she will when it's right for her) - and another move so soon isn't really advisable for your granddad's welfare - so you can see why she wouldn't want to be discussing that when all this is so raw
she has kept you informed, maybe not as much as you'd like but she is in touch with you - so accept that for now and let her know that you understand how tough it is for her and that you are there for her when she wants support - rather than a phone call or text, maybe send her a card or some flowers
if your nan agrees, you might call the care home each week for an update on your granddad; though don't ask to speak to him - I know phone calls only made my dad agitated as he'd no way of seeing who was talking and didn't understand what was happening
 
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Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,824
UK
You have to support your grandmother on this one. Not visiting her husband at the moment does not mean she has forgotten him and his needs. If she is anything like most carers, she will be tired, emotionally drained and in need of a break from it all. The advice that she has been given about not visiting for the moment is good and it is not unusual for the main carer to be blamed for everything that is wrong. There needs to be a settling in period

If you have concerns about the care home, then do some more investigating, find out if the problems back in June have been resolved. When you next visit, take time to look around, a little peck in the kitchen, and residents sitting rooms, she how carers are dealing with other residents, is grandfathers room clean and tidy.Moving him may be a mute point if your grandfather is not self funding and down to the local authority then options become far less.

I know that emotionally this is hard for you and you would like to be involved with the decision making and maybe in time this will happen, but for now give your grandmother time to recoup and regroup, she has a lot to come to terms with. Maybe talk to your Aunt more, she will have a clearer picture of how her mother is feeling about all this.
 

Credu4me

New member
Dec 7, 2017
1
Hello. First time ever. My Husband has just been taken into a home after having had emergency care over Christmas. This leaves me with a feeling of abandoning him, because it has become obvious that he needs 24 hour care and the Social worker suggested he went to Home for a few days. I took him in Tuesday and have been advised not to visit for a few days. I know that he will be looked after far better than I could. but it still feels an awful betrayal. Thank you for listening. credu4me
 
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