Walking on egg shells

[DianeB]

I don't know how to deal with a problem I am having with Dad. Whilst I fully understand how difficult and truely heartbreaking this is with Mum being in a nursing home, Dad is becoming very difficult to cope with. I know the old saying you take it out on those you love the most, but at the rate Dad is going on it feels like he is blaming me for Mums illness, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

As alot of you know I myself am adopted, Mum and Dad adopted a boy 3 yrs before me and then adopted me. My brother died 4 yrs ago so now it just leaves me. The very fact that Mum and Dad took me out of a childrens home means that the last ever thing I would have wanted was for Mum to be placed in one, however I know it was the right choice, well to be honest we really didn't have one, as the care at home package offered would certainly not be enough. Yes I feel that dreaded guilt like many of us including Dad that we feel we have failed her because we just could not care for her 24/7. I know I don't have to explain symptoms, but just one the fact she does not sleep for any longer than 1/2 hr at any one time means somebody needs to be by her side all the time and awake, which at home is an impossibility. I also live 30 miles away from their home, so it wasn't as if I was on their doorstep either.

Anyway it seems what ever I say Dad is twisting my words and raising his voice and temper with me. This is reducing me to tears, that I can't let flow and its pushing me away from him, for fear of an all out blast, which is something I desperately don't want to happen. Although Dad fully knows I myself am poorly this is not stopping him and any stress is making me worse, although he does ask how I am and then next breath satrts up a whole load of stress again.(I am under a neurologist as they are now suspecting too much spinal fluid around my brain, leaving me in agony 24/7, I am also losing the hearing in my left ear). I try to hold back the tears literally as they make my condition worse, I know I need to cry but fear to because the pain they will bring .... it's like being held back from a natural emotion, that you need to let out and express. An eg of Dads outburst which is brought on by assuming is this

My son was in bed asleep (he is 25) he had a late night, hubby and I decided to go to see the inlaws as we have not seen them in a month because of everything that has gone off. We left our son fast asleep. Dad rang our house 3 times, son was upstairs phone downstairs and he didnt hear it. When on the 4th time son did answer, Dad demanded to know where I was... of course son didnt know, but said he would ring our mobile and get us to call him back. This of course I did immediately, Dad again in stern voice demanded to know why our son didn't know where we were, I said "He didn't know where we were Dad because when we left he was fast asleep" ...at that he shouted down the phone "Don't go accusing me of waking him up!!!!!!!!!" where on earth did that come from??? I never implied at all that Dad had woken him up, all I did was to explain why our son didn't know where we were..... now thing is the inlaws heard Dads outburst and hubby said Diane you need to speak to your Dad honey, he can't carry on treating you like this. Some might say get hubby to speak to him, but he won't get involved unless the poo really hits the fan, and by that time I will probably be rocking in my chair. Personally I don't want hubby saying anything either as I am sure it will make matters worse.

Then later Dad popped in at out house and said to hubby whilst I was not listening, well I have to get going seen as NOBODY went yesterday!!!! ..... yes I didn't go because I had a day out with a friend, didn't get back till late, then had to do dinner and then was informed that my dear neighbour, who we think the world of had died, so I retreated to my bed, but I did phone Dad to say I couldn't make it.

What is really getting to me is the fact that Dad is expecting me to visit Mum every day, unless he goes. That isn't a problem as such because I WANT to see Mum as often as I can anyway, its the fact that he is putting on the pressure when there is no need, plus he isn't visiting as often as he started to, he goes 3x's a week where as I go every day unless there is something wrong this end, he keeps saying he is too busy, was he too busy to visit Mum on Weds this week the day after she had a stroke ......yes he was!!!! would I have been allowed to get away with not visiting her on Weds ...you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn't. Personally you couldn't have kept me away from seeing and being with Mum anyway, but I was shocked that he didn't go.

Is it me am I being too sensitive here? It is so hard just to shrug off his attacks, it seems so unfair I am trying the very best I can, I can't try any harder.

Sorry this is just one massive rant. I know its devestating for Dad, and I fully understand that, but he is biting off the very hand that is the only one supporting him.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Diane.

Your father is expecting far oo much from you.

Adoption shouldn`t come into it. You were adopted because your parents wanted children, not because they had an altruistic desire to give some poor unwanted baby a home.
People have babies for themselves because they want them, and it is dreadful we should have to spend our lives being grateful.

If your father has always been a dominant person now is the time to stand up to him.

I`m really sorry to come down so strongly on this but people expect far too much from others. We should be allowed to offer what we can in the way of help and it should be accepted with thanks, not reprimands.



Love xx

 

[Skye]

Is it me am I being too sensitive here?

Absolutely not, diane!

Your dad is being a bully, and you mustn't let yourself be bullied.

My first reaction at the start of your story was that he was suffering from guilt, and several of us can relate to that. But if he didn't even visit when your mum had her stroke, I've changed my mind.

Did he bully your mum when she was well? It could be that he just needs to feel in control, and now he can't do it to mum, he's turned his attentions to you.

But whatever the reason, you mustn't let him. Those headaches are serious, and if he can't see that, he's just not thinking of you.

Please try to pull back. Not from visiting your mum, I know you want to do that, but you should try not to be at your dad's beck and call. You don't have to ring back every time he rings, and you don't have to explain why you don't. And you don't have to visit him all the time, he's not the one who's ill. You have a family, and they come first.

I'm asking you to be very strong, and I know that's hard, especially when you're feeling ill yourself. But honestly, if you can establish some boundaries now, you'll get on so much better with your dad afterwards.

Love and hugs,

 

[Helen33]

Dear Diane

he keeps saying he is too busy, was he too busy to visit Mum on Weds this week the day after she had a stroke .

I wonder whether your father is feeling guilty himself and either doesn't recognise it or he does and it has nowhere to go except in your direction?

Is is possible to sit him down and talk to him? Ask him what is wrong because you know he is suffering because of how he is with you.

I do wish you well and hope that you find a way forward. You must be very stressed with all this.

Love

 

[DianeB]

Your so right Sylvia xxx

If my Mum knew how Dad was not only talking to me but treating me she would really go on one. Until recently I have never ever felt bad about being adopted but now its rearing its ugly head and making me see a side that I never thought even exhisted.

Dad has changed alot over the past 10 years and not for the better either. Maybe the pressure of caring for Mum has had its toll, but its coming out in ways that really is not nice, not just for me but for others too. About 2 years back my Mums cousin went round to see them for a surprise visit, she lives in Austrailia, Dad didn't know they had flown over. Mum and Dad are her god parents and they would write to each other, however Dad went mad because she had not told him she was visiting, and when he opened the door he said to me, well I made it plain as daylight she was not made welcome, how dare she come knocking at our door unannounced!!! Stuff like this makes me cringe.

The best of it is, on Thursday Dad said he had been thinking that maybe instead of him selling his home maybe he is better off renting it, coming up here (living at ours ) and then what he makes on renting the house out will help pay for Mums care. It seems he had made up his mind, without even asking us. Don't worry it wont happen, it can't I value my marriage and my husband to even consider it.

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear Diane,

My situation is not quite the same as yours, but I had the same trouble with my Mum before she went into a nursing home, her demands were making me ill (like your Dad's are). She had always been a very dominant person. She would call me umpteen times a day/night with impossible demands, and then slam the phone down if I didn't say what she wanted to hear. I'm ashamed to say that on odd occasions I unplugged the phone at night time just to have a good sleep because I simply couldn't take any more.

As far as guilt about putting a parent in a home is concerned, I do it big time, I just have a list of reasons pinned up now to remind me why I did it.

How often to visit is something I ponder on all the time. I understand that if a husband/wife is in a home then the other half want to visit every day because they saw each other every day anyway. I have settled into visiting my Mum every 5 days or so, because that was about as often as I used to see her anway.

Sorry I'm rambling here, but just wanted to give you my support. It's a thankless task we face here but we just have to do the best we can - without affecting our own health!

Best of luck

 

[Skye]

Don't worry it wont happen, it can't I value my marriage and my husband to even consider it.

Good heavens, Diane! Please don't even consider it!

In fact, perhaps he should be discouraged from moving at all. Having him on your doorstep will make things even worse for you.

Is he the one who is bringing up the subject of your being adopted? If so, that's unforgivable.

It strikes me that perhaps he should be seeing a doctor himself, though I can't imagine he's take kindly to that suggeation!

Love,

 

[DianeB]

Helen he does feel guilty, in fact we both do, he often says that he always promised to look after Mum all her life, and I really do feel for him also. When we have spoken about this guilt i try to refer to certain situations whereby he would not have coped, the most recent one being the toilet issue and the mess Mum is getting into when removing the incontenience pads. When Mum was in hospital, he admitted he knew that he couldn't cope any more, I told him he deserved a medal for coping as much as he had. I don't think he realises just what a short fuse he has, and I also don't think he is aware of how many times throughout the day he is directing this out on me. Surely he is ending up stressing himself out too, by him losing it. I have even tried to just agree to what ever he says for a peaceful life, but its impossible just to answer yes and no all the time. I would have never have thought he could twist my own words in the way that he is, but if I challenge him on this I can see it being world war 3.

I am also worried about his forever complaining about things with regards to the home. The other day he put Mum in a chair while he took her bag back to her room, upon return to Mum, 2 residents were close to Mum, they were leaning over to look out of the window, and he said he thought Mum was being put in a threatening situation and he was making a formal complaint about it

Cor I'm on one now!!! When Mum had her stroke on Tuesday, they tried to ring Dad but couldn't get through to his phone as there was no answer ....do you know why...........cause every night he takes the phone out of the socket so he can get some sleep!!! See its ok for him to not be available at a whim but not ok for me. If I should dare to question where he has been and what he is doing I would get the wrath of my Dads tongue full blast.

Thank goodness for TP, its the only place where I feel i can be understood and my ranting is listened too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[DianeB]

Dad brought up my adoption a couple of weeks back now, when we had the fall out about his driving (I did do a post about it somewhere) he said I should be grateful for him driving to Essex to pick me up all those years ago.

 

[DianeB]

Fiona I fully understand where you are coming from. I don't want Dad jumping up and down screaming how grateful he is at all, all I want is some mutal respect to be given back and an understanding this is breaking my heart also, and that I am doing what ever I can for both of them.

 

[sue38]

Hi Diane,

This is a difficult time for you and your dad. I'm not excusing your dad's behaviour towards you, but he is probably angry with the whole situation and taking it out on you. He clearly doesn't realise the effect it is having on you, and you can't really tell him for fear of causing a scene.

Have you thought about writing it all down, as you have done above and asking your dad to read it, and explaining why you can't tell him in person?

Just a suggestion.

 

[DianeB]

That could be an idea Sue, and one that i will mention to hubby so thank you.
I have to correct my above post, Dad often says thank you to me and what would he do without me, but its like 2 seconds later he rears up over something else.
I have no doubt this is anger, and I also think part of it is because he feels he isn't in charge any more and that he is having to rely on me more than ever, and this is leading him to be fustrated and its his way of objecting to situations being out of his control.

 

[DianeB]

(((((Hazel))))) I am so sorry i missed your post, I'm on the vintage lap top because my son has done something to our main computer adn it wont switch on ....sounds like a type writer because of this when i scroll down on here it refreshs the page and i have missed out your reply.

Anyway yes you have raised some good points and made me think how Dad ruled what ever Mum and Dad did, so yes your correct, he dictated to her and now he can't do that its my turn. I don't go to see Dad like visiting as he pops up here when he visits Mum. I am expected to attend any meetings he has arranged though, the last time he arranged it on a day he knew I spend with my friend. I am upset that he couldn't bring himself to see Mum the day after her stroke, yes she was tired confused and looked dreadful but surely that is the time when she needs our pressence even if she is not aware of it.
Mum and Dad have always lived their lives with strict routines, and nothing has or will ever change that, thats fine but we don't and Dad is trying to enforce us to comply with his routines. At one stage we were bannned from visiting them before midday, because they were late risers, however on the 23rd aug when it was their wedding anniversay, we went earlier, because of other commitments but I wanted to take their card and cake round to surprise them, Dad hit the roof and when i knocked on the door, he banged his fist on the bedroom window loud enough to put it through, looking furious at us turning up at 10.30am!!! Thank goodness we did go early as that was the day Mum had her stroke and ended up an hour later being took to hospital..Dad hadn't got a clue she had even had one

 

[Lanie]

Hi Diane

Sorry your unwell and having such an awful time at the moment. I think you must put yourself first.
I understand what its like to be expected to visit all the time. My Mums husband is a very dominant and controlling man, with no patience. Since my Mum moved into a home just under 2 weeks ago, he has reduced his visiting as he is to busy or says he needs to work, he's 72 and has more than enough money. I tried to explain to him that its different for him they have been together 27 years and wanted to be together, but I only saw my Mum once or twice a month. He just said it was different now, she had brought me up and looked after me and now I should be there to look after her. It's not that I won't be there for her it's the emotional guilt trip that he uses. I find myself having to bite my tongue, so to speak frequently. Also my Mum hasn't always been there for me, but she always been there for him.

So for me I'm trying now to strike the balance in my life between Mum, work, husband and children. Somewhere I'll fit me in. Just to say I think its really important you do the same especially as your unwell. Make some decision about what you can do regarding visitng etc and explain to your Dad.

But sometimes in life we do hurt the people closest to us, when we're hurting ourselves, we shouldn't but we do and we're not always good at saying sorry perhaps thats because we're embarrassed by are behaviour. Just may be thats whats happening with your Dad.

Take care

Lanie

 

[DianeB]

Thank you for your reply, sounds like your having a tough time by the same methods. I know what you mean, trying to find some me time, it is so difficult, when you are being pushed from pillar to post.
I would love to just video myself for one day and show it to my Dad, to show him what busy really meant. Dad made a big thing about him doing one load of washing the other day, I have offered to do it for him but he said he is fine, I wish I only had one load of washing!!! I worked it out the other day I do 21 loads a week thats without the cooking (which I also do him the odd meal if it is something he will eat) ironing and every thing else in between.

 

[Skye]

Diane, it sounds as if what you need is some me-time!

Could you manage to get away for a few days with your family, and just relax?

I know the weather's lousy, but that doesn't matter, you just need to do somethinmg for YOU!

Love,

 

[DianeB]

We are going away for a long weekend at the end of Nov .... Belgium, so at least I have that to look forward to.
In the meantime I just hope everybody here can cope with my rants
Thank you all for being there xxxxx

 

[TinaT]

Rant away Diane, we all sympathise with how you must be feeling. You can visit your mum whenever you wish without being brow beaten by your dad. I'm a great believer in 'tough love' and perhaps it is time to show some to your dad.

Make some space for a while between yourself and him. Not by quarrelling but just by not being available to him, not answering his calls for a while, not being at his beck and call. Keep your own council when you have to be with him and try not to take any notice when he is unjust and unreasonable. Don't take his words to heart when you know you are more than doing your best to help both him and your mum.

Make some space for yourself and your own family. Do what you can for your mum when you can and don't beat yourself up. You didn't cause her to have dementia and are more than doing your duty by her.

Whether adopted or not shouldn't even be coming into your thoughts. You know you are a good daughter and you can sleep at nights knowing that.


xxTinaT

 

[DianeB]

Tina thank you for such comforting and reassuring words xxx

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Diane

I have signed your petition.

I can't add much to your posts, other than to say you are doing your absolute best in difficult circumstances, and to stop beating yourself up if you need a day, or two, or a week, off caring duties. I have done it with my mum, felt guilty if I miss a day, but she doesn't notice. Last week I only visited twice and on the second occasion (3 days after the previous) she said "Oh I'm glad you have come, I was beginning to wonder if you knew where I was now as you have not been for two weeks!".

Your dad sound like a bully, but I am sure he doesn't mean to be, he is probably as scared as you are, and women are better at coping with illness than men are.

Keep telling yourself that you are doing your best. You don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. You are clearly a caring person, cos you wouldn't be on this site asking for help if you were not.

I don't suppose what I have said is much help. Just trying. Oh, and being adopted shouldn't make a difference, you are a loving daughter, adopted or not, doing her best.

Well, I have been no help at all. Look after yourself, and that is not just a casual remark, it is serious. You can only do your best, and that does not include doing yourself in!

Love

Margaret