Walking on egg shells

[DianeB]

Margaret thank you xxxx If I didn't go like you say Mum would be fine, and again, she can't remember one minute to the next let alone the days. Mum would never send me on any guilt trips unlike my Dad.
I rang Dad last night to tell him how Mum was. OK now I have to take into consideration that yes he is 82, but boy is he fit and has all his comoderties. He said "well I am not visiting Mum tomorrow, as I have had a look at the weather forcast and its raining tomorrow so I may go either Tuesday or Wedsnesday" I mentioned yet again that they do a pick up service for free and if he does not want to get his car out when its raining (Dad does not like to get his new car wet, nothing to do with his driving ability) then maybe he should consider it, afterall its free and will also save him on petrol costs. Well can you believe what his reply was ....... "I have been thinking about this pick up service and I don't want anybody dictating to me when they pick me up and when they drop me back off!!!! I want to be able to get there under my own steam." I think I may have to nick name him Dad the Dictator!!!!

What really gets me is there is a massive difference between wanting and having to go to visit Mum. I want to visit, I want to spend time with Mum, it's Dad that is making out I have to, I don't have to, I want to and there is a massive difference. I can't allow my Dad to arrange my life around his, it's not fair and its stressing me out. We should both work together on this, it all feels so one sided.

 

[Skye]

I don't have to, I want to and there is a massive difference.

Oh yes, there's a HUGE difference!

People tell me I should cut down my visits to John, that I'm wearing myself out, I've even been thanked by his cousins for doing it.

But I'm doing it because I want to, it's not a duty, I do it with love. And i'm sure most people on this forum would say the same, because we care.

Well done Diane for working out the difference.

Love,

 

[DianeB]

I am going to have to bite my lip this time. When dad and I had a fall out a little while ago part of it was to do with his driving ability. I went with dad to the home a distance of 2 miles and during that time I felt I was catapulted towards the winscreen a few times with the seatbelt snapping on. Also the fact my Dad took 3 cars up a pavement, when it should have been him that gave way. He pulls out without indicating and his responce time ...well it seems he does not have one. I am woried sick about this as when he visits Mum its a 58 mile round trip. He is 82. I have spoken to him about this worry and he really went off on one saying how he has been driving for many many years and because of this his driving better now than ever because of the experience, adn that i should be grateful he drove to Essex to pick me up from a childrens home many years ago, in his words "You didn't complain then did you?" The fact I was 11 1/2 months old and Dad was a lot younger!!!. He will not be told at all. Anyway this morning I have rang Dad to say that I am considering taking Mum out for a coffee today with my friend and I thought just in case he was considering seeing Mum I didn't want him to make a wasted journey. Well it seems on the way back from the home yesterday he has had a prang in his car and hit another car in front of him, nobody injured thankfully but Dads New car now has a damaged headlight and some straches etc .... sounds like the other cars damage is similar. Thank goodness it happened in a 30 mile an hr zone and not the 60 mile an hr road that he has to travel along. He said he has put it down to worrying about Mum and his mind was distracted. I am going to have to yet again walk on ice although inside I am saying I told you so. I don't want my Dad hurting himself or anybody else, but unless he seriously considers his driving ability then I am seriously worried. Like I said before as well there is a free pick up service but he refuses to use it.

 

[Grannie G]

Oh dear Diane.
You know the time will come when your father will have to give up driving. The trouble is he doesn`t. If there is a free service to the home, he should use it. But I know it`ll be pointless telling him.
I would refuse to go in the car with him, for starters, tell him his driving makes you nervous.
And if he continues to have minor scrapes, consult with his GP. You don`t want his minor scrapes to become major, and possibly involving an innocent third party.

 

[Skye]

Diane, you are right to be worried. I had a near miss this morning when and old gentleman decided to pull out in fromt of me on a roundabout -- and stalled! Fortunately my reflexes are still OK, but there were several cars behind me, and it could have been a major shunt!

You could write to DVLA and say you're worried. They wouldn't say who had reported him, but your dad would probably guess. I think the GP is your best bet, if he'll listen to you.

 

[sue38]

Whilst I think you are right to be worried about your dad's driving, I confess I had a near miss last week whilst driving to the assessment unit to see my dad. I put it down to being tired, stressed and not concentrating. I resolved to go to bed at a decent time that night and stop wearing myself out.

i should be grateful he drove to Essex to pick me up from a childrens home many years ago, in his words "You didn't complain then did you?"

I'm sorry, but I couldn't possibly bite my lip if that was said to me (not that I am adopted). I rather think your dad has more to be grateful for that he made that journey, where would he and your mum be without you now?

Apologies if I have spoken out of turn.

 

[Sandy]

Hi Diane,

I don't want to sound alarmist, but have you ever wondered if your dad might be experiencing the very, very early stages of some sort of mild cognitive impairment (a state than can be a precursor to dementia)?

It's just that when I think about some of your posts about his treatment of you (which sounds like he always had a domineering personality, but has got worse lately) and then the issues with his driving...it just makes me wonder if it's something worth keeping at the back of your mind.

It can sometimes appear that these types of changes are most noticable when a long-married couple's situation changes suddenly. Sometimes these behaviours are just stress-related, but sometimes the stress causes underlying weaknesses to become more pronounced.

Take care,

Sandy

 

[alfjess]

Hi Diane
Could you somehow convince your Dad that it makes sense to use the free transport available, quoting the price of fuel nowadays, eg "he could be saving money by not having to fuel the car" and "maybe" there might be others for company, with the same problems.

Have signed your petition, well done

Alfjess

 

[DianeB]

I think you all have good replies and these have given me something to think about. Thank you. I have tried to tell Dad that by usng the free pick up service he will be saving money which would help towards the cost of Mums home fees, but he says he does not want to be dictated to as to what time they pick him up and drop him off ...... although it seems he has no problems with dictating to me
These outbursts are getting so frequent it feels like its an every day occurence. No matter what I put here I do genuiney care and love Dad, its these outbursts that are making me pretty nervous about either ringing him or being in his company. The phone is worse ... far worse. The last thing I want is to fall out with Dad.
Every day I ring Dad, I understand his life has been turned upside down and that he is bound to feel lonely. Last night was no exception, however there was no answer and I had been trying for an hour. The facts were he had no car, he wont go out during rush hour even if he had the car, and it was rush hour, he wont walk to the local shops and speaks to hardly a soul on the street, so I started to get worried, in fact very worried. What would happen if he became poorly and he was on his own. I rang hubby up panicking and hubby said I will go from here after work and check up on him, don't worry I can get there from work within 20 mins. I said I will keep on trying and would ring hubby if Dad answered. At this point I am now starting to feel pretty sick with worry. So 10 mins later when he answered, I breathed a sigh of relief and said "Oh Dad thank goodness you have answered I was really worried about you" ...well again I got a mouthful back "What do you mean you were worried about me, arn't I allowed to go outside and sort out the man who has come to collect the car!!!! You didn't have to keep on phoning!!!" I explained to him that hubby was on stand as I knew he couldn't go out in his car etc and that I am bound to worry as he is on his own if he became poorly. He said he now always has his mobile in his pocket, which is something I didn't know, but thats positive. The fact he never has the thing turned on is something else He did ring me back later though to say I had cheered him up when I told him we had all had a lovely day, and Mum really enjoyed herself. He said he intends to buy my friend some chocs and flowers to say thank you for all her help which I think is a loevly idea, seen as it was this friend that not only helped Dad get to and fro the hospital but also goes to see Mum too ....the same friend that came round on that Sunday when Dad stormed out the house after we had had Sunday lunch with Mum because she wasn't family and she had no right to pop over
Somehow I don't think I will ever suss Dad out.
If he is starting with the onset of dementia as well, which could be a possibility, then I am gonna catch the next rcoket to the moon!

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I don't want to sound alarmist, but have you ever wondered if your dad might be experiencing the very, very early stages of some sort of mild cognitive impairment (a state than can be a precursor to dementia)?

Sandy has said exactly what I was thinking. It sounds so much like a very early stage.

If he is starting with the onset of dementia as well, which could be a possibility, then I am gonna catch the next rcoket to the moon!

I don't blame you one little bit!

You could write to DVLA and say you're worried. They wouldn't say who had reported him, but your dad would probably guess. I think the GP is your best bet, if he'll listen to you.

I think this is very good advice and you should carefully consider it. I do understand the problems you might face if your dad thinks you have reported him, but I would stand firm about it and lie.

I'm so very sorry for you, as your poor mum seems to have settled in but your dad is causing you so much grief. ((((HUGS))))