I don't know how to deal with a problem I am having with Dad. Whilst I fully understand how difficult and truely heartbreaking this is with Mum being in a nursing home, Dad is becoming very difficult to cope with. I know the old saying you take it out on those you love the most, but at the rate Dad is going on it feels like he is blaming me for Mums illness, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.
As alot of you know I myself am adopted, Mum and Dad adopted a boy 3 yrs before me and then adopted me. My brother died 4 yrs ago so now it just leaves me. The very fact that Mum and Dad took me out of a childrens home means that the last ever thing I would have wanted was for Mum to be placed in one, however I know it was the right choice, well to be honest we really didn't have one, as the care at home package offered would certainly not be enough. Yes I feel that dreaded guilt like many of us including Dad that we feel we have failed her because we just could not care for her 24/7. I know I don't have to explain symptoms, but just one the fact she does not sleep for any longer than 1/2 hr at any one time means somebody needs to be by her side all the time and awake, which at home is an impossibility. I also live 30 miles away from their home, so it wasn't as if I was on their doorstep either.
Anyway it seems what ever I say Dad is twisting my words and raising his voice and temper with me. This is reducing me to tears, that I can't let flow and its pushing me away from him, for fear of an all out blast, which is something I desperately don't want to happen. Although Dad fully knows I myself am poorly this is not stopping him and any stress is making me worse, although he does ask how I am and then next breath satrts up a whole load of stress again.(I am under a neurologist as they are now suspecting too much spinal fluid around my brain, leaving me in agony 24/7, I am also losing the hearing in my left ear). I try to hold back the tears literally as they make my condition worse, I know I need to cry but fear to because the pain they will bring .... it's like being held back from a natural emotion, that you need to let out and express. An eg of Dads outburst which is brought on by assuming is this
My son was in bed asleep (he is 25) he had a late night, hubby and I decided to go to see the inlaws as we have not seen them in a month because of everything that has gone off. We left our son fast asleep. Dad rang our house 3 times, son was upstairs phone downstairs and he didnt hear it. When on the 4th time son did answer, Dad demanded to know where I was... of course son didnt know, but said he would ring our mobile and get us to call him back. This of course I did immediately, Dad again in stern voice demanded to know why our son didn't know where we were, I said "He didn't know where we were Dad because when we left he was fast asleep" ...at that he shouted down the phone "Don't go accusing me of waking him up!!!!!!!!!" where on earth did that come from??? I never implied at all that Dad had woken him up, all I did was to explain why our son didn't know where we were..... now thing is the inlaws heard Dads outburst and hubby said Diane you need to speak to your Dad honey, he can't carry on treating you like this. Some might say get hubby to speak to him, but he won't get involved unless the poo really hits the fan, and by that time I will probably be rocking in my chair. Personally I don't want hubby saying anything either as I am sure it will make matters worse.
Then later Dad popped in at out house and said to hubby whilst I was not listening, well I have to get going seen as NOBODY went yesterday!!!! ..... yes I didn't go because I had a day out with a friend, didn't get back till late, then had to do dinner and then was informed that my dear neighbour, who we think the world of had died, so I retreated to my bed, but I did phone Dad to say I couldn't make it.
What is really getting to me is the fact that Dad is expecting me to visit Mum every day, unless he goes. That isn't a problem as such because I WANT to see Mum as often as I can anyway, its the fact that he is putting on the pressure when there is no need, plus he isn't visiting as often as he started to, he goes 3x's a week where as I go every day unless there is something wrong this end, he keeps saying he is too busy, was he too busy to visit Mum on Weds this week the day after she had a stroke ......yes he was!!!! would I have been allowed to get away with not visiting her on Weds ...you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn't. Personally you couldn't have kept me away from seeing and being with Mum anyway, but I was shocked that he didn't go.
Is it me am I being too sensitive here? It is so hard just to shrug off his attacks, it seems so unfair I am trying the very best I can, I can't try any harder.
Sorry this is just one massive rant. I know its devestating for Dad, and I fully understand that, but he is biting off the very hand that is the only one supporting him.
As alot of you know I myself am adopted, Mum and Dad adopted a boy 3 yrs before me and then adopted me. My brother died 4 yrs ago so now it just leaves me. The very fact that Mum and Dad took me out of a childrens home means that the last ever thing I would have wanted was for Mum to be placed in one, however I know it was the right choice, well to be honest we really didn't have one, as the care at home package offered would certainly not be enough. Yes I feel that dreaded guilt like many of us including Dad that we feel we have failed her because we just could not care for her 24/7. I know I don't have to explain symptoms, but just one the fact she does not sleep for any longer than 1/2 hr at any one time means somebody needs to be by her side all the time and awake, which at home is an impossibility. I also live 30 miles away from their home, so it wasn't as if I was on their doorstep either.
Anyway it seems what ever I say Dad is twisting my words and raising his voice and temper with me. This is reducing me to tears, that I can't let flow and its pushing me away from him, for fear of an all out blast, which is something I desperately don't want to happen. Although Dad fully knows I myself am poorly this is not stopping him and any stress is making me worse, although he does ask how I am and then next breath satrts up a whole load of stress again.(I am under a neurologist as they are now suspecting too much spinal fluid around my brain, leaving me in agony 24/7, I am also losing the hearing in my left ear). I try to hold back the tears literally as they make my condition worse, I know I need to cry but fear to because the pain they will bring .... it's like being held back from a natural emotion, that you need to let out and express. An eg of Dads outburst which is brought on by assuming is this
My son was in bed asleep (he is 25) he had a late night, hubby and I decided to go to see the inlaws as we have not seen them in a month because of everything that has gone off. We left our son fast asleep. Dad rang our house 3 times, son was upstairs phone downstairs and he didnt hear it. When on the 4th time son did answer, Dad demanded to know where I was... of course son didnt know, but said he would ring our mobile and get us to call him back. This of course I did immediately, Dad again in stern voice demanded to know why our son didn't know where we were, I said "He didn't know where we were Dad because when we left he was fast asleep" ...at that he shouted down the phone "Don't go accusing me of waking him up!!!!!!!!!" where on earth did that come from??? I never implied at all that Dad had woken him up, all I did was to explain why our son didn't know where we were..... now thing is the inlaws heard Dads outburst and hubby said Diane you need to speak to your Dad honey, he can't carry on treating you like this. Some might say get hubby to speak to him, but he won't get involved unless the poo really hits the fan, and by that time I will probably be rocking in my chair. Personally I don't want hubby saying anything either as I am sure it will make matters worse.
Then later Dad popped in at out house and said to hubby whilst I was not listening, well I have to get going seen as NOBODY went yesterday!!!! ..... yes I didn't go because I had a day out with a friend, didn't get back till late, then had to do dinner and then was informed that my dear neighbour, who we think the world of had died, so I retreated to my bed, but I did phone Dad to say I couldn't make it.
What is really getting to me is the fact that Dad is expecting me to visit Mum every day, unless he goes. That isn't a problem as such because I WANT to see Mum as often as I can anyway, its the fact that he is putting on the pressure when there is no need, plus he isn't visiting as often as he started to, he goes 3x's a week where as I go every day unless there is something wrong this end, he keeps saying he is too busy, was he too busy to visit Mum on Weds this week the day after she had a stroke ......yes he was!!!! would I have been allowed to get away with not visiting her on Weds ...you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn't. Personally you couldn't have kept me away from seeing and being with Mum anyway, but I was shocked that he didn't go.
Is it me am I being too sensitive here? It is so hard just to shrug off his attacks, it seems so unfair I am trying the very best I can, I can't try any harder.
Sorry this is just one massive rant. I know its devestating for Dad, and I fully understand that, but he is biting off the very hand that is the only one supporting him.