Vascular Dementia

[Heartsick]

Hi. Never realised that vascular dementia was so different. My OH has no processing skills at all. She was the first person I know to get an answer phone machine/ work processor (amstrad!) mobile phone etc. was always tech savvy- struggles now to use dementia friendly tv remote. Can’t read, can’t write, cant “see things” which I think means can’t interpret what she’s seeing, reduced vocabulary, lack of empathy and insight, very demanding, no patience at all and so on. I first noticed something was wrong when she couldn’t do her emails and kept saying her phone and laptop were broken- they weren’t. But she can be very sociable for a seriously frail person and make most of her needs very well known. One of the senior care staff at her care home said to me the other day he didn’t really think she had dementia!!! I put him right gently as her score in hospital on the MOCA assessment tool was 10/30! It’s a very strange illness indeed.

 

[jay6]

Hi @JaxG
I think the frontal lobe damage is one of the hardest to deal with as their personality is quite challenging. It seems if they had a problem before it really gets heightened.

Mine was always quite controlling and things often had to be done his way which caused arguments within the relationship. I was always able to argue my point though and often get him to see reason, but this has gone out the window. I first noticed the more control is was losing the worse things were becoming. Now I can’t reason with him at all. If I point anything out it will automatically get really heated because as far as he is concerned he is right.

I don’t think he’s lose all his ‘function’ yet. He wouldn’t be able to run his business now and doesn’t really manage the money (That winds him up the most) He can still make decisions and can keep appointments. Although often doesn’t want to go to appointments, seems to think he’s the only one and they can rearrange at the drop of a hat.

He doesn’t get lost but that could be the fact he can’t go out without me as we are quite isolated and need the car, which he can’t drive. He had to give up driving after the stroke in 2014 and has never accepted it. Gets really angry at not driving as was something he enjoyed.

Mines not rude to people yet but quite dismissive to their feelings. No empathy what so ever.

He became increasingly aggressive - every time he failed or found something difficult, it was my fault. He was extremely verbally abusive and aggressive - told me I was worthless, and had contributed nothing to our marriage. He had never been an easy man, was always quite selfish, but this behaviour was something else. In 2021 he then became physically aggressive, he would argue over anything and everything I said, he threw me on the floor, rammed a door into my back, barged me out of the way and threatened to punch me. The police were called, SS involved but it took another 18 months in 2023 to get any real help.

I can totally relate to this. I could have written it myself. I’ve been punched in back, had hair pulled etc. I didn’t call the police but got to the stage where I told him if he ever done it again. I would. That seemed to make it stop so now it’s get the nastiness.

Until 6 months ago I would say the decline was quite gradual.

I could have also written this. I could cope until about 6-9 months ago but things really seem to be escalating. He can still dress (but starting to struggle), wash, make a drink, cook something if it’s straight from freezer. But it’s impossible to get him to shower or wash his hair and is unmotivated to do anything at all. He’s also had quite a few bed wetting incidents now.

He can’t follow a contestation or film but like yours, can still talk and makes people believe he is more capable than he is.

He was put on Risperidrone 0.5mg after I asked his dementia consultant. (that was after chatting to you – so thank you for the recommendation) He’s been on it about 3 months but I’m not sure how much effect it’s having, It seems to have made him a little calmer but easily goes into one if I say the wrong thing, maybe he needs a higher dose?

I have no love or like for this stranger, it has been the most brutal process and I want it over.

That’s now I feel. I wish I could just get him to have respite now and again to at least give me a break. I'm constantly walking on eggshells

 

[jay6]

@Heartsick thanks for joining in.
Yes vascular can be very different., like all dementia's. It depends where on the brain is affected. It’s definitely a horrible illness. It thought it was bad enough caring for someone after a stroke, where mobility is effected but this is much worse. I think they can do ‘host’ mode quite well for some unknown reason. Mines good at that. His sister still doesn’t believe he has dementia. She doesn’t see him, only phones once a week as she lives 300 miles away. He has convinced her that it’s all me and he has a hard time.

 

[JaxG]

Hi @JaxG
I think the frontal lobe damage is one of the hardest to deal with as their personality is quite challenging. It seems if they had a problem before it really gets heightened.

Mine was always quite controlling and things often had to be done his way which caused arguments within the relationship. I was always able to argue my point though and often get him to see reason, but this has gone out the window. I first noticed the more control is was losing the worse things were becoming. Now I can’t reason with him at all. If I point anything out it will automatically get really heated because as far as he is concerned he is right.

I don’t think he’s lose all his ‘function’ yet. He wouldn’t be able to run his business now and doesn’t really manage the money (That winds him up the most) He can still make decisions and can keep appointments. Although often doesn’t want to go to appointments, seems to think he’s the only one and they can rearrange at the drop of a hat.

He doesn’t get lost but that could be the fact he can’t go out without me as we are quite isolated and need the car, which he can’t drive. He had to give up driving after the stroke in 2014 and has never accepted it. Gets really angry at not driving as was something he enjoyed.

Mines not rude to people yet but quite dismissive to their feelings. No empathy what so ever.

He became increasingly aggressive - every time he failed or found something difficult, it was my fault. He was extremely verbally abusive and aggressive - told me I was worthless, and had contributed nothing to our marriage. He had never been an easy man, was always quite selfish, but this behaviour was something else. In 2021 he then became physically aggressive, he would argue over anything and everything I said, he threw me on the floor, rammed a door into my back, barged me out of the way and threatened to punch me. The police were called, SS involved but it took another 18 months in 2023 to get any real help.

I can totally relate to this. I could have written it myself. I’ve been punched in back, had hair pulled etc. I didn’t call the police but got to the stage where I told him if he ever done it again. I would. That seemed to make it stop so now it’s get the nastiness.

Until 6 months ago I would say the decline was quite gradual.

I could have also written this. I could cope until about 6-9 months ago but things really seem to be escalating. He can still dress (but starting to struggle), wash, make a drink, cook something if it’s straight from freezer. But it’s impossible to get him to shower or wash his hair and is unmotivated to do anything at all. He’s also had quite a few bed wetting incidents now.

He can’t follow a contestation or film but like yours, can still talk and makes people believe he is more capable than he is.

He was put on Risperidrone 0.5mg after I asked his dementia consultant. (that was after chatting to you – so thank you for the recommendation) He’s been on it about 3 months but I’m not sure how much effect it’s having, It seems to have made him a little calmer but easily goes into one if I say the wrong thing, maybe he needs a higher dose?

I have no love or like for this stranger, it has been the most brutal process and I want it over.

That’s now I feel. I wish I could just get him to have respite now and again to at least give me a break. I'm constantly walking on eggshells

It looks like our experiences are quite similar. We are not having any incontinence issues yet thank god, but my OH has no independent thought processes at all, he has almost no short term memory, it's not a life it's an existence.
The violence is horrendous isn't it, and it is sad that the 5 years of verbal aggression and abuse has destroyed any feelings I once had. Yes he was difficult, but like you I could reason with him, I'm a strong character and we could usually find a middle ground. What this process has done is made me reflect on our relationship and see how selfish and dominant he has always been, so much of what he has become is an exaggeration of who he always was. It is a relief to talk to others who are having a similar experience, it really has helped me through. Just to say, my OH takes 0.5mg of Risperidone twice a day, it took a while to take full effect but he is very placid now, this is a huge relief and has made things more manageable - but life is very difficult, I feel like I am in prison waiting for release.

 

[canary]

I feel like I am in prison waiting for release.

My OH is now very placid too, which is a great relief, even though he can now do very little for himself. But, oh yes! I know this feeling well - I did not choose my avatar and signature lightly........

 

[jay6]

@JaxG The violence is horrendous isn't it, and it is sad that the 5 years of verbal aggression and abuse has destroyed any feelings I once had. Yes he was difficult, but like you I could reason with him, I'm a strong character and we could usually find a middle ground. What this process has done is made me reflect on our relationship and see how selfish and dominant he has always been, so much of what he has become is an exaggeration of who he always was.
Agree with you 100% I've reflected on mine too and it's made me realise just how difficult he actually was.

Glad you haven't got the incontinence. I'm at least lucky it's only an odd occasion. But I'd rather than than the abuse.
I think I may ask for his dose to be increased. The doc did say it might have to be done.

 

[jay6]

@canary Glad yours is more placid, you have enough to put up with. Hope you got the washout sorted

 

[JaxG]

My OH is now very placid too, which is a great relief, even though he can now do very little for himself. But, oh yes! I know this feeling well - I did not choose my avatar and signature lightly........

❤️