Support Needed

[billpattinson136]

This is my first post on the support forum . I care for my wife, Avril, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in October 2021. She is 86 and I am 78. At the moment I have no support but realise I need to get some soon. Indeed I am becoming very anxious, feeling very low. Unfortunately Avril dismisses the idea of being in the house with a helper. What shall I do?

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

I started gently with a cleaner to help me and I think that this helped when I introduced carers. Always phrase it that these people are there to help you not her.

 

[sdmhred]

Hi Bill
Welcome, I am glad you have found us. As @My Mum's Daughter suggests you have to use a little bit of twisting the truth when it comes to folk with dementia. Think about what Avril will accept - you need help with the cleaning, it’s a new free government scheme, your friends friend needed some work so we’re helping her out,….do you get the gist?
It feels awful at first but it’s the best way to do ot. And as you say you’re beginning to feel unwell and if you don’t get the help you may not be able to care - so it’s necessary
Please keep posting - we’re here for you!

 

[Kevinl]

Never think you go unread, hello and welcome from me. K

 

[Chizz]

This is my first post on the support forum . I care for my wife, Avril, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in October 2021. She is 86 and I am 78. At the moment I have no support but realise I need to get some soon. Indeed I am becoming very anxious, feeling very low. Unfortunately Avril dismisses the idea of being in the house with a helper. What shall I do?

Hi @billpattinson136
You are entitled, if you wish, to get your Local Authority Adult Social Services team to visit you and carry out a care assessment to see what, if any, help/care your OH needs' and to carry out a carer's assessment to see what, if any, help/care you need as the carer.
You may have to push ro get this, as in some areas, there is a bit of waiting list.
When you have the assessments, you are not obliged to follow the advice if you don't want to.
Making sure that you are OK, not over tired or over stressed, etc., is, in my view, the best way to ensure you can care for your OH.
As you know, the older you get the more easily you get tired.
If your OH has dementia, then it means that she no longer has full reason and logic as she used to. Her dismissive attitude doesn't mean you don't need help. The help is for you to better help her or manage the house etc. You can't argue or reason with a PWD who never like unfamiliar people, surroundings or changes in routine - so you have to be in charge in this issue, in my view.
In my area the Local Authority Adult Social Services and the charity Mind offer a "sitting service" - which is means tested - for a "sitter" (usually a person either trained or experienced in dealing with a PWD) to be with one's OH so the carer can go out for either doing jobs that need to be done out of the home (eg, going to the dentist, taking the car for service and/or MoT) or just for time off and an outing. The first time a sitter came to me, it was for me to see if I got on with her, whether my OH got on with her and, of course, whether she got on with us. So the first time the came we all had a chat over a cuppa, then I left sitter to chat with my OH whilst I did some jobs elsewhere round the house and garden. This arrangement was for once a week for a three hour session, at the time I chose. Well, it all worked out OK and it's now been going for about 2 years. My OH has over this period deteriorated but she still gets on with the sitter. They look at articles and pictures in magazines, listen to music, chat about news, or whatever the sitter directs. She write a little report of each visit in the folder. I look forward to my weekly respite.
Worth a try, in my view.
We now also have carers coming in to attend to my OH's personal hygiene etc.
Thanks for reading, if you still are!
Best wishes.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @billpattinson136.

I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. Like others I wondered if carers could be introduced as cleaners or home helps. My mum lived with us and thought her carers were my home helps!

Are you in England? If this is the case then this may be of help. If you’re not the process would be more or less the same no matter which part of UK you’re in.

Assessment for care and support in England

What are care assessments and how can people with dementia and their carers access them? This information is for care and support in England.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

I’m glad you’ve found this forum.

 

[Grannie G]

I got a carer in as a cleaner @billpattinson136 I told my husband I needed help. Do you think your wife would accept help for you rather than for her?