Update on my Dad

[Skye]

Dear Sue

It must be awful, leaving your dad when he is so unhappy.

That's the problem with assessment units, very necessary, but by definition everyone there will be at crisis point.

I do hope this new home will be satisfactory, and will be prepared to take your dad. I don't see why an EMI unit should refuse someone, unless they are violent. After all, that's what they're trained for.

Hope it goes well tomorrow.

Love,

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Sue:
I am following your thread with great interest and hope the home that has been recommended is the 'right' one for your Dad.

Thinking about you at this difficult time (especially as I could be in the same situation with my husband ).

Love Jan

 

[Margarita]

I have rung them this afternoon and they do have vacancies. I asked when could we visit and they said 'anytime, no need to make an appointment' which I took to be a positive, so probably going there tomorrow...

Yes that does sound positive especially when they say you can visit " anytime , no need to make appointment.

It is very daunting finding the right care home, more so when your father not happy where he is now .

is that what your father needs are now nursing? So your father needs a dementia nursing care home ?

 

[Lanie]

I have to say I like homes that say turn up whenever you like to visit, I take that as they have nothing to hide and in the case of looking for my Mum the home she moved into this month, also had that. So I hope you find the home to be what you are looking for. I visited on a weekend but went back again on a week day as sometimes homes are quieter at the weekend and they had no problem with this.

Hope it all goes well.

Take care

Lanie

 

[lilacwarm]

hope you manage to find somewhere suitable and that feels right. we visited a few and i prepared lots of questions to ask. we then came away and talked a lot about where we had visited, the staff , the surroundings impressions of the home and lots more .

 

[Margaret W]

Sadly it seems to be the case that if you have a relative with dementia you are assumed to be of low intelligence yourself. I have experienced conversations with highly-qualified psychiatric consultants who have spoken to me as if I am a nincompoop. I am a qualified Accountant of 31 years standing, and whilst I appreciate that I have no medical knowledge, and rely on those who have, they must also appreciate that I am not stupid either. But they use phrases such as "your mum is not too well". Fine, why, what is wrong, what is the name of the illness, I can cope with it.

My husband is a Senior University Lecturer (I have been one myself), and he too found it a problem when his own mum was dying following a fatal stroke, he was treated like an idiot, with phrases such as "her breathing isn't too good Mr W", in other words she had pneumonia - why not say so?

Anyway, our qualifications don't matter in this illness, everyone is entitled to be treated as sensible people and many less "academically qualified" than us have far more undersanding of dementia and deserve to be treated accordingly. It just gets to me that so many of us carers are assumed to be ignorant, and we are not. This website gives us lots of information to enable us to be well informed. Some of the people on this site are far better informed than the medics dealing with our loved ones.

Just a point.

Margaret

 

[sue38]

I have found the consultant and the psychiatric nurses fine to deal with. Others, such as SW and CPN tend to treat us as if we know nothing, until I prove otherwise. The knowledge I have gained from TP and the information on the main AS site, especially the factsheets, puts me in a position to talk with a level of authority. The staff at the general hospital were the ones who treated us as if we knew nothing and didn't bother to consult us. I put this down to their lack of knowledge when dealing with dementia.

We went to see the home that had been recommended it, and it was awful. Truly dreadful. It is a large old house where the ground floor is for non-dementia, with the dementia unit upstairs. The downstairs was shabby but at least quite homely. The upstairs was like something out of Jane Eyre. Talk about the forgotten people. The assessment unit at the hospital is more homely.

There were 2 nurses on duty: one downstairs who had been there 2 weeks, and one upstairs who had been there since Monday. Not a good sign. I asked if there was an area outside for the demetia unit and the nurse looked at me as if I had grown a second head. Only one resident was walking around, the rest were sat around looking completely out of it. This resident followed us around and it was explained that she had only just arrived and hadn't settled down yet. No one was bothering with her and she was in her dressing gown, even though it was early afternoon.

My mum and I couldn't get out of there quick enough.

Today we are looking at 3 more and hoping for better.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sue

Inspecting homes is one of the most soul destroying tasks there are. For every fine home there seem to be dozens like you describe and the fact it was recommended to you makes it even worse.

I hope you have better luck with the others.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Sue, that sounds truly awful!

I looked at two homes in our area that were conversions -- large houses with beautiful grounds -- but just not suitable for people with dementia. Small rooms, corridors that would have confused me, let alone someone with dementia, bathrooms squeezed into corners -- awful!

A purpose-built home with a separate EMI unit is much better, in my opinion. The needs of people with dementia should have been taken into account.

I'd always go for one on the ground floor, too, with an enclosed garden. Even if they can't walk, residents can be wheeled outside in the summer, and in winter they can sit and watch the trees and birds.

I do hope you have more luck this afternoon.

Love,

 

[DianeB]

Sue I hope todays visits go better. The first one we went to visit made my hair stand up on end, and like yourself thought what are the rest going to be like Fortunately there are good ones to be found, and when you feel you have found the right one all the searching will feel worth it.
Sending you loads of cyber support (((((hugs)))))

 

[sue38]

Visited 2 homes today, and although neither ticked all the boxes, they were a hundred times better than the one we visited yesterday. My mum was leaning towards one, and I was leaning towards the other! If both would accept my dad, my sister may have to have the casting vote...

We have drawn up a list of pro's and con's for each, and still have a couple more homes to consider.

Whilst my mum and I were looking at homes my sister and BIL were visitng my dad in the assessment unit, and he was in good form.

A much better day than yesterday...

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Sue.

A much better day than yesterday.

What a relief. Yesterday despair, today a choice.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Glad you've had a better day, Sue.

At least you've two possibles, and hopefully one of the others will tick all the boxes!

Love,

 

[Margarita]

The upstairs was like something out of Jane Eyre.

Really
I bet you could ant get out there soon enough!


Must be because I live in London, that those kind of nursing care homes do not exist anymore. Also,that why when I read the word EMI that kind era from the Jane Eyre era come up into imagination in how they treated elderly people with a dementia , all very freaky deaky. I do feel for those people in that nursing care home you saw . Then should Close them down.

Please to read that you saw some better nursing care home

 

[Skye]

Also,that why when I read the word EMI that kind era from the Jane Eyre era come up into imagination in how they treated elderly people with a dementia , all very freaky deaky.

Exactly my point!

Conversions can never be suitable for people with dementia. But purpose-built EMI units are designed with their care in mind.

A lot of research has gone into the facilities and decor that will provide as much independence as possible, for as long as possible.

There are some very good ones about. Unfortunately, there are also some very poor ones.

 

[sue38]

Both of the homes we visited today were conversions.

One was a large house, which has gradually changed from mixed to exclusively for dementia patients. Very homely, a quiet lounge with a snooker table, and many of the rooms en-suite. Just 20 residents, most of them mobile and quite a few men with whom my dad could watch the rugby/football. On the negative side it had a definite odour and is less than a mile from my mum and dad's house. There is no doubt that if my dad looked out of the window he would know where he was.

The other is about 2 miles away and is a former school. Much more of an 'institution'. 3 floors, the lower being exclusively for dementia patients. Most of them seemed much further 'gone' than my dad, and seemed to be the 'poor relations' compared to the other floors. No en-suite rooms. But no odour, more organised activities, and registered for nursing care.

Both had secure outside areas.

My mum preferred the first, I preferred the second, and think the second is more likely to accept him.

The other 2 homes are further away and are purpose built. We will see...

 

[Skye]

Both of the homes we visited today were conversions.

I knew someone would say they'd found good conversions!

I think they can be excellent for people who have no dementia, and just need a 'home from home'.

I'll be interseted to hear what you think of the purpose-built ones.

love,

 

[Margarita]

The other 2 homes are further away and are purpose built. We will see...

Its up to your family I know , but why not just go along to see the other 2 home to compare them to the homes you’ve already seen with nursing care , even if you decide to send your father to a home nearer your home .

Normally the purpose built home have en-suite rooms, some amazing gardens , also the care fees are very high .

One was a large house, which has gradually changed from mixed to exclusively for dementia patients. Very homely, a quiet lounge with a snooker table, and many of the rooms en-suite.

Just wondering Was that home registered for nursing care ? Shame about the definite odour

 

[sue38]

Yes we intend to look at least one of the other homes for comparison.

The high fees are a consideration for my mum. It would mean a change in her finances.

 

[Lanie]

I settled on a purpose built home for my Mum, the rooms all had ensuite, they had wide corridors with handrails, large dining and lounge area's, sitting in the corridors, secured garden and the residents are allowed in any of the other lounges, when they have activities they do them in different lounges so that the residents meet other residents. I think the main thign was the staff who were all very friendly and focused on the residents. They also actively encourage relatives at any time and you can join them for luch or dinner if you want.

I think you will know when you find the right place it will feel just right. It should be somewhere that you can treat as your Dad's home.

Lanie