Tonight I actually snapped

[Raggedrobin]

When mum was clearly bonkers a social worker came and saw her and concluded that she was fine, with maybe a 'touch' of dementia. I was furious that my mum had been able to completely convince this woman. The psychiatrist, who SS did at least refer us to, told me mum was actually mid to late stage dementia.I was furious about the 'touch of' dementia, but I did get past it in the end.
Dave, you have to keep going with this, please don't give up on help. Ring your nearest Age UK office and ask for the dementia advisor. Will probably take a few days for them to get back to you but they can tell you what help is available and will also contact people on your behalf, takes a bit of leg work out of it. Just find your local Age UK office number and ask if they have a dementia advisor (they may not).
Also, time to see your GP and your wife's GP and relate the sorry stories of how stressed you are to them, they are also able to make referrals.
Please don't give up on help, it can be a fight to get it, but you need it. X

 

[flowerpot]

Thanks everyone

I am going to give up looking for help

I am not going to suffer in silence though as I have a great big set of headphones so |I am going to listen to music all day long

Incompetence is a too a mild a word to what I witnessed this morning from SS

I am furious, my Son is bemused and his girlfriend is saying nothing (bless her) she must feel awkward

Wife is out on her bus trips to the shops probably telling everyone that she has been told that she does not have a memory problem and Dave (me ) was wrong all along. I bet she does not forget this

Now I am messing about with her phone to take me and my Son's (his choice) contact details out of her phone so there will only be 3 contacts she can call (her 3 kids)

Like my Son has just said to me, if she wants to keep calling them then let her, at least when she is doing that she is leaving you alone

Good one Son

Sorry Dave I know the word 'incompetence' that I used was too mild but it was what I could get away with as believe me this makes me want to really swear

Good idea about the 'phone Lets see how long it takes them to complain to you about it!

You've had some really good advice and please don't give up trying to get the help that you so desperately need!

Obviously you love your wife and want the best for her but you need to think of yourself too! I've been where you are and it's just so hard! Take care x

 

[Sue J]

SS. What a laugh

She, came asked her what her name was, her date of birth, how many kids she got and how is the prime minister now

Well, she got them all right so she actually said that wife does NOT have a memory problem so could do nothing

I asked here to close the door on her way out

This makes me soooooooo mad , how dare she............. why do they pay these people ??????

I have been there too and am appalled by what I have witnessed constantly from MH professionals, sorry to the good ones out there.

Please Dave don't give up, get help from wherever you can, I agree with the others please go to your GP ask your son to go with you and both tell them how it is.

Because of lack of help you are in danger of taking it out on your wife and no longer being able to see that it is the disease, because we are all human and have our limits even if others are unable to recognize and respect that. I sometimes start believing some of the crazy things my friend does/says are her when they are aspects of the disease, finding her in the midst can get much harder without support and help - I blow my stack at her, hate myself for it and leave her bewildered.

My biggest terror inside is that people don't realise that I am sick and think that some of the things I can come out with are really me - they have no idea of the pain and suffering that goes on behind locked doors of the mind.

You can't give up and sorry, we can't let you either. You know that Nagging Club well you and your son need to start nagging the services until they realise you are not going away until they do something.

Best
Sue

 

[Grace L]

I cant get this go.....

Was that woman a Social Worker?
You can check on-line to see her qualifications, year, where etc...
(It's similar to the Doctor's GMC registration web pages)

IF she has been qualified for years, then more shame on her !!!

We are all here for you Dave, please keep posting.

 

[AlsoConfused]

I agree with Grace the "Social Worker" was probably an untrained Social Worker without qualifications or worthwhile experience. However, Dave doesn't have any energy or time to waste ... so would strongly suggest he stays focused on the main issue.

Currently the main issue is how does Dave get the time out he must have to protect himself from being overwhelmed by his caring role?

It's useful that Dave redirected all his wife's 'phone calls to her adult children. Though mainly uninvolved and only making a very limited contribution over a couple of days, I'm sure the "children" will tell SS just how difficult they're finding their Mum to deal with! And if they're finding it difficult, any responsible Social Worker will think about how much harder it must be for Dave, sole carer over years.

Good luck Dave. Thinking about you.

 

[AlsoConfused]

Meant to say - an untrained, unqualified Social Work Assistant! They're much cheaper to employ than qualified Social Workers but lack the training and skills a Social Worker has. They're supposed to be supervised by qualified Social Workers but often aren't adequately supervised because of the shortage of qualified Social Workers and the huge caseloads most have to deal with.

 

[Onlyme]

Meant to say - an untrained, unqualified Social Work Assistant! They're much cheaper to employ than qualified Social Workers but lack the training and skills a Social Worker has. They're supposed to be supervised by qualified Social Workers but often aren't adequately supervised because of the shortage of qualified Social Workers and the huge caseloads most have to deal with.

We ran into one of these. They were little more than an admin assistant who came to fill in paperwork and to see if a real SW was needed. I was horrified needless to say.

 

[Lindy50]

Meant to say - an untrained, unqualified Social Work Assistant! They're much cheaper to employ than qualified Social Workers but lack the training and skills a Social Worker has. They're supposed to be supervised by qualified Social Workers but often aren't adequately supervised because of the shortage of qualified Social Workers and the huge caseloads most have to deal with.

Unfortunately I know this to be true from previous employment with a local authority. The employment of unqualified assistants allows the authority to 'fill' its vacancies and to appear to be financially efficient.......but in many cases, the system is hopeless for clients, carers, assistants.....and social workers In fact ineffective work, like the visit you had this morning Dave, only causes more work down the line

But that was my issue....Your issue, Dave, is that your wife still apparently hasn't had a community care assessment, nor you a carers assessment. These would be done via the adult services dept of your local council and they are definitely worth pursuing. A few questions about memory do not constitute an assessment!! In fact, did your visitor today come from the council, or from the memory clinic team, I wonder?

If I remember correctly, Dave, your wife does have a diagnosis? I think you said that when you first came on to TP? If so, it's not a memory test she needs, it a community care assessment.......your poor wife must be suffering from all this as well

Take care of yourself

Lindy xx

 

[Grace L]

When I finally got the ball rolling
I/we had 'an assessment' to see if we needed 'a proper assessment'

I'm not joking !!

 

[Lindy50]

When I finally got the ball rolling
I/we had 'an assessment' to see if we needed 'a proper assessment'

I'm not joking !!

That's what I mean ....it doesn't reduce the amount of work that needs to be done by a council, just delays everything and causes confusion and frustration.....even if you work for them!

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Briefy

Please get your GP involved. My heart goes out to you, Sharon x

 

[Dave K]

Will reply to all later, cooking tea for 4

Re: Please get your GP involved. My heart goes out to you, Sharon x

The same doctor that I went to and told him that I had chickenpox 10 years ago when my son caught them and I never had them, ever

That same doctor that nearly killed me 10 years ago....

I have no faith in Doctors (well mine specifically) and definitely a jump upstart of a SS employee

 

[Scarlett123]

Dave, we are all desperately worried about you, and your wife, and you can't give up getting the break you need so badly. When you said you were cooking tea for 4, are there friends with you, relations, helpful neighbours, people you called in off the street (!) who can give you a break?

 

[Onlyme]

When I finally got the ball rolling
I/we had 'an assessment' to see if we needed 'a proper assessment'

I'm not joking !!

It seems to be the 'norm' now. It wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't waited 4 months for the side kick to turn up.

 

[Onlyme]

Dave, we are all desperately worried about you, and your wife, and you can't give up getting the break you need so badly. When you said you were cooking tea for 4, are there friends with you, relations, helpful neighbours, people you called in off the street (!) who can give you a break?

That will be Dave, Mrs Dave, their son and his girlfriend.

 

[Lindy50]

That will be Dave, Mrs Dave, their son and his girlfriend.

That's what I thought, too

 

[Dave K]

Thank you Social Services

Thank you Social Services...

Wife has called everyone of her 4 contacts on her phone to tell them that she has had a visit from a professional and was told that there is nothing wrong with her memory

Just wait until I see her Memory psychiatrist on the 09 July 2014 as I am sure he ain't going to be too pleased, maybe he can get her reprimanded

That idiot has now undone weeks of my work....

P.S when she had finished gloating she hung up and asked me what I was cooking her for tea / dinner

 

[Scarlett123]

That's what I thought, too

Of course.

 

[bilslin]

Dave hang on in there and explain all what's gone on on the 9th, please don't give up on the help front. ITS needed badly. Perhaps you'll get some help from the memory clinic. As for your wife saying nothings wrong with her memory I think most of the carers here will say. Their people with AD will say they don't have trouble with their memory. My mum thinks theres nothing wrong with her and she's had AD for 9 years. Is there a DIFFERENT gp you can see at the surgery. The one I take mum to is great with her but I would never go and see her for myself. Good luck lindax

 

[Wolfsgirl]

I am so sorry Mrs Dave now seems to be viewing you as an enemy thanks to the outcome of this absolutely useless visit. I am so angry for you but at the same time sad too for Mrs Dave as she has also been completely and utterly short changed! It must be horrible for her to be so unwanted by her family who should be feeling 'fresh' and able to relieve and understand your needs.

I was worried things would get out of hand on a Friday when everything is less accessible but please try to hang on in there. Why not see the gp anyway and remind him/her of the chickenpox mistake and say it must not get things wrong THIS time.

It is difficult to work from home (I do too) as people expect you to be instantly available always but I honestly think you have to get out of that house and away in order to get some respite time, at least for the weekend. Someone else told you what to do and I think you know, nothing will happen unless you are taken out of the equation.

Sharon x

Thank you Social Services...

Wife has called everyone of her 4 contacts on her phone to tell them that she has had a visit from a professional and was told that there is nothing wrong with her memory

Just wait until I see her Memory psychiatrist on the 09 July 2014 as I am sure he ain't going to be too pleased, maybe he can get her reprimanded

That idiot has now undone weeks of my work....

P.S when she had finished gloating she hung up and asked me what I was cooking her for tea / dinner