TIPPING POINT
- Thread starter maryjoan
- Start date
I think I was so exhausted @jenniferjean that I crashed into sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow (I think the vodka and orange helped too!). Yes, @AliceA , I have some cleaning and arranging to do, but apart from that Im hoping for a quite day.
My Tipping Point today.......
Having not heard from OH's children for weeks on end, I emailed son, to mention that I am in a lot of pain, and need a new knee. Son has PoA along with myself.
I told him op is a long recovery time, and could he give some thoughts to what we should do about his father in this time. My thoughts are diverse and could include a care home up in the area where OH would be near his own family.
Son emailed back, saying sorry he had not been in touch, but busy at work! Could I not go and live with one of my children while I recover, and leave Dad here with carers coming in 4 times a day. Or could I just stay here and fit in carers to help.
He does not understand. His father has no empathy for me being unwell, etc, I have a streaming cold, was awake most of the night before last with the pain in my knees, and went back to bed for a sleep yesterday. OH came and woke me to ask me to make his lunch.
Is he going to be any different when I am on crutches? No.
Can I stay with one of my children for a few weeks - well, we live in a bungalow, so that is a plus. None of my children have space for me to camp out in their house for weeks on end. One of my sons will have a new baby by then.
Oh life is so complicated when one is a carer
Rant over
Having not heard from OH's children for weeks on end, I emailed son, to mention that I am in a lot of pain, and need a new knee. Son has PoA along with myself.
I told him op is a long recovery time, and could he give some thoughts to what we should do about his father in this time. My thoughts are diverse and could include a care home up in the area where OH would be near his own family.
Son emailed back, saying sorry he had not been in touch, but busy at work! Could I not go and live with one of my children while I recover, and leave Dad here with carers coming in 4 times a day. Or could I just stay here and fit in carers to help.
He does not understand. His father has no empathy for me being unwell, etc, I have a streaming cold, was awake most of the night before last with the pain in my knees, and went back to bed for a sleep yesterday. OH came and woke me to ask me to make his lunch.
Is he going to be any different when I am on crutches? No.
Can I stay with one of my children for a few weeks - well, we live in a bungalow, so that is a plus. None of my children have space for me to camp out in their house for weeks on end. One of my sons will have a new baby by then.
Oh life is so complicated when one is a carer
Rant over
I'll give my tuppence worth, but others may disagree @maryjoan.
I think it's time to be a bit tougher and say what you want done because if you ask another's opinion they will always go for what they consider the obvious and easy answer. I think they are often, if not always, trying to help but just don't fully appreciate how things are.
In your shoes I would ask his family or SS to find a few weeks respite for your OH so that you can convalesce at home.
There are times when we carers have to think only of ourselves. It's the old aeroplane oxygen mask situation at times such as this. Help yourself first so that you can then help others afterwards.
I think it's time to be a bit tougher and say what you want done because if you ask another's opinion they will always go for what they consider the obvious and easy answer. I think they are often, if not always, trying to help but just don't fully appreciate how things are.
In your shoes I would ask his family or SS to find a few weeks respite for your OH so that you can convalesce at home.
There are times when we carers have to think only of ourselves. It's the old aeroplane oxygen mask situation at times such as this. Help yourself first so that you can then help others afterwards.
so sorry you're hurting @maryjoan .....arthritis pain is the pits and you don't understand it till you've had it yourself 
Of course you need to be mended.....give him the worst case scenario if you carry on like you are, appeal to his own self-interest (a bit of effort now by him will save a tsunami of angst further down the line!). Hope you get those pesky knees sorted soon, and make sure you take as much time as you need to recover fully!
Of course you need to be mended.....give him the worst case scenario if you carry on like you are, appeal to his own self-interest (a bit of effort now by him will save a tsunami of angst further down the line!). Hope you get those pesky knees sorted soon, and make sure you take as much time as you need to recover fully!
I absolutely will. I had an x ray almost 3 years ago that confirmed the problem in one knee, and now the other is as bad. I can't stay like this, and it's time for me to stand up to everyone SS and his family - and, I really will. Thanks a lot for your support......so sorry you're hurting @maryjoan .....arthritis pain is the pits and you don't understand it till you've had it yourself
I am flagging up the situation now with family and SS, to give them plenty of notice - I do not know what the waiting time is for an op - it may well be 12 months or more - but you are right, and I am glad I came on here. thanks a lot
Hello @maryjoan
Just in case you haven`t explored muscle strengthening exercises pre surgery , I wonder if the following might help.
https://www.allinahealth.org/health...ng-for-surgery/before-surgery-knee-exercises/
I do the first 6 exercises every morning and they have helped prevent my knee getting any worse.
I hope this helps.
Just in case you haven`t explored muscle strengthening exercises pre surgery , I wonder if the following might help.
https://www.allinahealth.org/health...ng-for-surgery/before-surgery-knee-exercises/
I do the first 6 exercises every morning and they have helped prevent my knee getting any worse.
I hope this helps.
Pete is right, be firm, make two plans and give him the option, weight these in favour of what is best for you.
This way he is choosing but not deciding.
As he has PoA with you this seems fair enough.
It is not reasonable to expect you to move from your own home while recovering. You may need your own things around you and your own work at hand for interests sake.
Refuse to supervise Carers while you are unwell. That is not always the easiest of jobs.
When the children were small I often would say do you want this or that. They would choose, I did not say put on a dress but do you want to put on your pink or your orange. Manipulative perphaps but it taught them to choose and it kept the peace!
Sometimes we can be too helpful for our own good. it is right to be helpful but be too helpful and every suffers. Be outwardly stern, Mary. A big hug! X
P.S easier to give advice than carry it out, just remember we are all on your side.
This way he is choosing but not deciding.
As he has PoA with you this seems fair enough.
It is not reasonable to expect you to move from your own home while recovering. You may need your own things around you and your own work at hand for interests sake.
Refuse to supervise Carers while you are unwell. That is not always the easiest of jobs.
When the children were small I often would say do you want this or that. They would choose, I did not say put on a dress but do you want to put on your pink or your orange. Manipulative perphaps but it taught them to choose and it kept the peace!
Sometimes we can be too helpful for our own good. it is right to be helpful but be too helpful and every suffers. Be outwardly stern, Mary. A big hug! X
P.S easier to give advice than carry it out, just remember we are all on your side.
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Hi Maryjoan , I would encourage you to be firm and direct with his family . I have learned this is the only way to get them to take any notice . They have no idea because they are not on the scene. What a crazy idea you moving out and him having carers .. You need the peace and quiet of your own home to recover at your own pace while he is looked after elsewhere . Maybe it's all about money with his son and he's worried it might become a permanent arrangement or he might have to take up the slack . I think a call to social services is in order , what about carer assessments ?
You are brave enough to be a carer be brave enough to stick up for yourself. Take good care thinking of you
You are brave enough to be a carer be brave enough to stick up for yourself. Take good care thinking of you
Thank you one and all. I am full of a cold at the mo and not thinking very clearly - but I do have a Carers Assessment update on Monday re knees - so see how that goes...... thanks for all your care and concern, everyone
Thank you @karaokePete - much appreciated - don't trip over with everything crossed !I'll cross my arms, legs, fingers and toes for you on Monday @maryjoan.
I knew he still had his wedding ring - he divorced from his wife,17 years ago. But today, he has started wearing it again......... oh, well, just try to ignore it, I suppose........
I feel for you on that one @maryjoan.
My wife had separated from a previous partner before I met her and she now lives so much in the past that I'm waiting for the day when she may start calling me by that man's name. I know I'm not going to like it if it happens. Like you say, we just have to ignore these things - but that is so hard.
My wife had separated from a previous partner before I met her and she now lives so much in the past that I'm waiting for the day when she may start calling me by that man's name. I know I'm not going to like it if it happens. Like you say, we just have to ignore these things - but that is so hard.
Yep, cold gone, coughing now!! Thanks for the good wishes - on the plus OH's step sister rang today - they want to come down form Leicestershire beginning of April for a few days - to see us, take us out, and help in any way they can - how lovely that is - I am looking forward to it already. One really has to have something to look forward to doesn't one?
Grandson due today, not here yet !!
Today's tipping point:-
We went out for lunch to local pub. Several incidents concerning my OH caused a man sat in the corner to laugh out loud. I noticed, OH did not. I felt like going across and saying something to this man - should I have done?
We went out for lunch to local pub. Several incidents concerning my OH caused a man sat in the corner to laugh out loud. I noticed, OH did not. I felt like going across and saying something to this man - should I have done?
I would just ignore it and try and shrug it off. If your OH didnt notice, no harm done, but thats me.
