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Sugar in her coffee
- Thread starter Bikerbeth
- Start date
Happy belated birthday, for Monday. Your visit with your mum went well, you're good at distracting her.
A drive on Friday sounds lovely. Hope your mum enjoys the change of scene.
A drive on Friday sounds lovely. Hope your mum enjoys the change of scene.
Thanks @anxious annie.
Today’s visit was not so good. I arrived to learn that Mum had been throwing things around including a vase (nobody hurt) . Mum had got up and had a cup of coffee and senior Carer (one she likes) had got her into the shower and managed to wash her hair (never the easiest of tasks). Mum managed to dress her bottom half but then got stuck trying to put a T-shirt on. At this point Carer tried to assist and she started to scream and shout and tried to rip the t shirt off. When she couldn’t she just threw anything near by. The other Carer meanwhile had called the nurse to come up and when she walked in the door and asked Mum how she was, Mum said she was perfectly fine and asked the nurse if she had had a nice holiday. All nice and calm. She also then allowed senior Carer to sort the T-shirt out. We all agreed that it stemmed from her frustration of not being able to do what she wanted to do for herself. She even said that to me when we were having a cup of tea later. She was not relating the comment to the incident but the fact that she couldn’t do things she used to be able to. she did say she had had an upset and argument with someone about clothes yesterday so she had a memory of it.
The funny thing was that one of the first things she asked me when I arrived was whether I had had a nice holiday.
During my visit though it was light a switch being turned on and off. One minute she would be ok and the next she was angry and very sarcastic, including towards me which is not so common. I had taken a cross stitch picture of one of Mum’s dogs in as her room looks so bare and I thought she might like it (and she had had it on her bedroom wall at home). I made it very clear that it was up to her if she wanted it hanging up or not. I asked if she liked it and she said yes, so I asked her if she would like it putting up in her room whilst she was ‘staying there’ The response was ‘ you are not putting that ‘tat’ up and don’t try and give me your rubbish’.
we did go into the garden but she said wanted to go to the shops. She wanted to know why her Mum had not visited. When we went back up to her floor we met the senior Carer and he asked how she had enjoyed the sunshine. She just screamed at us both ‘what have you done with my daughter’ to which I said ‘she has just gone to the toilet’. I took her back to her room and asked stupidly if she wanted a hand with her slippers and of course got told ‘I can manage perfectly well. Thank you’ near enough spitting at me. I left the room in the hope that if I went back a few moments later I might be the daughter again. I was but if course when I said I had to leave to go to work I got the sarcasm again.
Saying I was going to work has never really been an issue but I am beginning to think I might have to start sneaking off although it is difficult with the layout.
They are going to ask for another review by the mental health team although she is also being monitored by another team twice a week. I need to find out what each does.
I did wonder if the hot weather is having an impact too.
Poor Mum.
Today’s visit was not so good. I arrived to learn that Mum had been throwing things around including a vase (nobody hurt) . Mum had got up and had a cup of coffee and senior Carer (one she likes) had got her into the shower and managed to wash her hair (never the easiest of tasks). Mum managed to dress her bottom half but then got stuck trying to put a T-shirt on. At this point Carer tried to assist and she started to scream and shout and tried to rip the t shirt off. When she couldn’t she just threw anything near by. The other Carer meanwhile had called the nurse to come up and when she walked in the door and asked Mum how she was, Mum said she was perfectly fine and asked the nurse if she had had a nice holiday. All nice and calm. She also then allowed senior Carer to sort the T-shirt out. We all agreed that it stemmed from her frustration of not being able to do what she wanted to do for herself. She even said that to me when we were having a cup of tea later. She was not relating the comment to the incident but the fact that she couldn’t do things she used to be able to. she did say she had had an upset and argument with someone about clothes yesterday so she had a memory of it.
The funny thing was that one of the first things she asked me when I arrived was whether I had had a nice holiday.
During my visit though it was light a switch being turned on and off. One minute she would be ok and the next she was angry and very sarcastic, including towards me which is not so common. I had taken a cross stitch picture of one of Mum’s dogs in as her room looks so bare and I thought she might like it (and she had had it on her bedroom wall at home). I made it very clear that it was up to her if she wanted it hanging up or not. I asked if she liked it and she said yes, so I asked her if she would like it putting up in her room whilst she was ‘staying there’ The response was ‘ you are not putting that ‘tat’ up and don’t try and give me your rubbish’.
we did go into the garden but she said wanted to go to the shops. She wanted to know why her Mum had not visited. When we went back up to her floor we met the senior Carer and he asked how she had enjoyed the sunshine. She just screamed at us both ‘what have you done with my daughter’ to which I said ‘she has just gone to the toilet’. I took her back to her room and asked stupidly if she wanted a hand with her slippers and of course got told ‘I can manage perfectly well. Thank you’ near enough spitting at me. I left the room in the hope that if I went back a few moments later I might be the daughter again. I was but if course when I said I had to leave to go to work I got the sarcasm again.
Saying I was going to work has never really been an issue but I am beginning to think I might have to start sneaking off although it is difficult with the layout.
They are going to ask for another review by the mental health team although she is also being monitored by another team twice a week. I need to find out what each does.
I did wonder if the hot weather is having an impact too.
Poor Mum.
that was a bit sad and not so good. could be the hot weather especially if your mum had been fighting with her t-shirt and got all hot. they cant regulate their temperatures as well. hope next visit goes better
Sorry to hear that you didn't have such a good visit today @Bikerbeth . The warm weather is lovely, but it can make everyone a bit grumpy too.
Sorry @Bikerbeth . This kind of visit is hard. I have often thought, visiting my mum, that it's as though some film director had instructed an actor to portray someone going bananas and then speeding the whole thing up.
It could just be a bad day, the heat, urine infection, constipation, dehydration. It does make you dread the next visit but, so often, they are fine and cheerful next time, which I have always found a bit mind-boggling. Perhaps a tweak in medication may help. In any case, I hope your next visit is a good one.
It could just be a bad day, the heat, urine infection, constipation, dehydration. It does make you dread the next visit but, so often, they are fine and cheerful next time, which I have always found a bit mind-boggling. Perhaps a tweak in medication may help. In any case, I hope your next visit is a good one.
Sorry that wasn’t a great visit @Bikerbeth . My mum used to have mood swings like that when she was at home, and I never knew from one minute to the next what she was going to say or do.
Do you think your mum is drinking enough in this hot weather? Mum was more confused when she’d forgotten to drink.
Do you think your mum is drinking enough in this hot weather? Mum was more confused when she’d forgotten to drink.
I'm sure I've mentioned before how uncannily similar your mum sounds to my late mother. Your post takes me back to my visits to her 2 years ago. Just when you think you've got the hang of going with the flow and distraction they throw you a curved ball that leaves you floundering. Particularly difficult is the 'turning on a sixpence' thing. I took in a calendar of my cats which mum absolutely loved so was feeling pretty pleased with myself as doing anything that pleased her was a hard task! But as I was putting up she said, 'What are you doing? Don't give me your old rubbish!' The episode(s) of 'slippergate' were similar too... The damn things were the wrong colour, wrong size, someone else's, that blind girl's old rubbish, my cast-offs, she never ordered them and she certainly wasn't paying for them, ad infinitum.
Mum said exactly the same things as yours - wanting to go back to X or Y or 'the other place', bemoaning the fact her parents hadn't visited or phoned, getting sarcastic when I said I had to get back to work, being horrible or overly nice to carers. She especially liked to tell them how thick they were or throw paperbacks and cups of tea at them
I'm afraid I never managed to last as long as two hours, so well done you! I could do about 40 minutes but beyond that I just couldn't bear to be with her for longer - or her with me. (Which is very much how our relationship had always been!) So if she started ranting at me or got 'that look' I knew I had to leave. Often by the time I'd walked home I felt utterly wrung out and it would take me a good while to change my mood. There is only so much you can do but you're still left feeling you could have done better.
The fact that we keep going back speaks volumes about carers. It would have been nice if my family had occasionally said, 'Well done you!' but they didn't unfortunately. But I'm going to say it to you - Well done - you are doing a sterling job and don't forget to give yourself an after-visit reward because you absolutely deserve it
Mum said exactly the same things as yours - wanting to go back to X or Y or 'the other place', bemoaning the fact her parents hadn't visited or phoned, getting sarcastic when I said I had to get back to work, being horrible or overly nice to carers. She especially liked to tell them how thick they were or throw paperbacks and cups of tea at them
I'm afraid I never managed to last as long as two hours, so well done you! I could do about 40 minutes but beyond that I just couldn't bear to be with her for longer - or her with me. (Which is very much how our relationship had always been!) So if she started ranting at me or got 'that look' I knew I had to leave. Often by the time I'd walked home I felt utterly wrung out and it would take me a good while to change my mood. There is only so much you can do but you're still left feeling you could have done better.
The fact that we keep going back speaks volumes about carers. It would have been nice if my family had occasionally said, 'Well done you!' but they didn't unfortunately. But I'm going to say it to you - Well done - you are doing a sterling job and don't forget to give yourself an after-visit reward because you absolutely deserve it
Thank you all for your replies. I don’t think she is dehydrated as staff always seem very on the ball about drinks. If we do go out in the garden or we are in her room I usually let them know if I made her a drink, if I forget they will ask. They have actually got her drink squash again which is something as the last few years it was only coffee or tea.
@Jaded'n'faded thank you for your post saying how similar your Mum was to mine. It is reassuring in many ways. I used to be wrung out as you say after a visit but I am gradually finding it easier to switch off until of course that curved ball lands again in a different place. It certainly sounds like in your circumstances that the 40 mins was the best policy.
thank you for the ‘well done’ I will take it, certainly my brother never acknowledges what I do including the trips to A&E. I occasionally get a ‘thx’ by text for dealing Mum’s finances which have been challenging.
i also wanted to say Thank You for the quote at the bottom of your messages which makes me smile - one of my favourite groups - and I certainly feel like that sometimes.
@Jaded'n'faded thank you for your post saying how similar your Mum was to mine. It is reassuring in many ways. I used to be wrung out as you say after a visit but I am gradually finding it easier to switch off until of course that curved ball lands again in a different place. It certainly sounds like in your circumstances that the 40 mins was the best policy.
thank you for the ‘well done’ I will take it, certainly my brother never acknowledges what I do including the trips to A&E. I occasionally get a ‘thx’ by text for dealing Mum’s finances which have been challenging.
i also wanted to say Thank You for the quote at the bottom of your messages which makes me smile - one of my favourite groups - and I certainly feel like that sometimes.
So today’s visit was generally good. Fortunately it was easy to deflect today’s request to go shopping as it was pouring with rain and I said my car was in the garage for repairs. I did have to remind her a few times but fortunately the leaking gutter outside the dining room helped reinforce how bad the rain was.
By chance I had taken in a clothes catalogue that had come in the post to her and I had never cancelled. So we had a look through it together - something she did pre dementia anyway - and it gives me an idea of what she likes and doesn’t like as it does seem we are heading towards the elastic waisted trousers.
she then decided she wanted to go back to her room and wanted to give it a tidy. Fortunately she let me help which enabled me to return a blouse, a pair of shoes and numerous cloth napkins back to the Carers to go back to their rightful owners. This was made even easier by the physio coming back to see her walking with her stick. Mum walked one way down the corridor with the physio whilst I headed the other way to put the above items on the ‘nurses station’. I even got back to hear the physio say that Mum was walking fine with the stick but might need another one going forward.
the other sharp pain that Mum has been getting from her groin to above her knee but on the inside (as opposed to the back of the leg) the physio could not explain but does not think it is Mum’s hip replacement. It does seem when Mum has been sitting a while which is why I am trying to get her walking more again. However she has asked staff to refer to (useless) GP surgery
The poor ‘puppy dog’ toy though has not faired so well.. I noticed a little bit of fur missing the other day but now all the fur has gone from its face. Underneath is a plastic black face which makes him look like a hound from hell rather that a cute spaniel puppy. She did something similar with the first one and yet she really likes them. Mum rather likes giraffes and I did find a nice soft toy giraffe so it might be time for a change. At least if she throws the giraffe it should not hurt anyone.
By chance I had taken in a clothes catalogue that had come in the post to her and I had never cancelled. So we had a look through it together - something she did pre dementia anyway - and it gives me an idea of what she likes and doesn’t like as it does seem we are heading towards the elastic waisted trousers.
she then decided she wanted to go back to her room and wanted to give it a tidy. Fortunately she let me help which enabled me to return a blouse, a pair of shoes and numerous cloth napkins back to the Carers to go back to their rightful owners. This was made even easier by the physio coming back to see her walking with her stick. Mum walked one way down the corridor with the physio whilst I headed the other way to put the above items on the ‘nurses station’. I even got back to hear the physio say that Mum was walking fine with the stick but might need another one going forward.
the other sharp pain that Mum has been getting from her groin to above her knee but on the inside (as opposed to the back of the leg) the physio could not explain but does not think it is Mum’s hip replacement. It does seem when Mum has been sitting a while which is why I am trying to get her walking more again. However she has asked staff to refer to (useless) GP surgery
The poor ‘puppy dog’ toy though has not faired so well.. I noticed a little bit of fur missing the other day but now all the fur has gone from its face. Underneath is a plastic black face which makes him look like a hound from hell rather that a cute spaniel puppy. She did something similar with the first one and yet she really likes them. Mum rather likes giraffes and I did find a nice soft toy giraffe so it might be time for a change. At least if she throws the giraffe it should not hurt anyone.
that visit sounds good and your mum sounds busy which is all to the good. if they sit around too long like me, you get terribly stiff and then reluctant to move after that as it hurts.
Got a phone call this afternoon to be told there had been another incident with wandering lady. I was surprised as I understood that wandering lady was having 1 to 1 care. Staff don’t know what sparked it off but fortunately nobody was hurt.
Thanks @jennifer1967. I had a conversation with the interim clinical person and they have the mental health team involved and another group who apparently try and offer practical support (I forgot what they were called). Anyway it is this group that acquired funding for wandering lady to have one to one care. However that does mean that the one to one Carer does need to turn up.
On the other news the interim Manager who became the permanent manager has been restructured to become an interim manager at one of the other homes in the group whilst Mum’s home will get another interim manager from outside the care home group. You work that one out. Disappointed to say the least and email sent to regional manager saying how disappointed with yet another change and lack of continuity. Had a nosy at the new managers profile on internet and not impressed with his background.
even worse one of the male senior Carers that Mum liked and is really good has left for his dream job. I know this CH pays slightly above average wages but I would love to know why some of the really good Carers leave so quickly. Yet others who are ok/good do stay.
On the other news the interim Manager who became the permanent manager has been restructured to become an interim manager at one of the other homes in the group whilst Mum’s home will get another interim manager from outside the care home group. You work that one out. Disappointed to say the least and email sent to regional manager saying how disappointed with yet another change and lack of continuity. Had a nosy at the new managers profile on internet and not impressed with his background.
even worse one of the male senior Carers that Mum liked and is really good has left for his dream job. I know this CH pays slightly above average wages but I would love to know why some of the really good Carers leave so quickly. Yet others who are ok/good do stay.
had to laugh at first bit. the later maybe they want a challenge and move up the ranks a bit. because they are good, maybe they want more responsibility and credit for their standard of work. i dont know, could be any number of reasons, maybe they are not great employersThanks @jennifer1967. I had a conversation with the interim clinical person and they have the mental health team involved and another group who apparently try and offer practical support (I forgot what they were called). Anyway it is this group that acquired funding for wandering lady to have one to one care. However that does mean that the one to one Carer does need to turn up.
On the other news the interim Manager who became the permanent manager has been restructured to become an interim manager at one of the other homes in the group whilst Mum’s home will get another interim manager from outside the care home group. You work that one out. Disappointed to say the least and email sent to regional manager saying how disappointed with yet another change and lack of continuity. Had a nosy at the new managers profile on internet and not impressed with his background.
even worse one of the male senior Carers that Mum liked and is really good has left for his dream job. I know this CH pays slightly above average wages but I would love to know why some of the really good Carers leave so quickly. Yet others who are ok/good do stay.
Sorry to hear about another incident and that the good manager is moving on. One of the good things about mum’s home is the number of staff that have been there since it opened five years ago. There are some staff changes but not many.
I hope the new manager turns out to be better than you think he might be.
I hope the new manager turns out to be better than you think he might be.
Thanks @jennifer1967 and @Sarasa. The dream job for the good Carer is to go and work in the Prison Service although I am not sure what he will be doing. One of the other Carers told me. I am pleased that your Mum’s Care home has consistent staff. It shows it can be achieved.
Interim clinical manager spoke to me today after she had spoken to safe guarding. There is a concern about the ‘fighting’ due to the number of incidents. However apart from using 1:1 care for wandering lady nobody has had any bright ideas. I did have a thought today. Should I move Mum to another CH which is in the same brand, so as again it is purpose built it looks very much the same. It is also closer to me (and slightly cheaper) I might have a chat and find out how long the manager has been there as I think it has been a while and how many dementia residents they have there. Also whether Mum would have to quarantine if she moved between the two. No definite thoughts but thought it might be worth a ponder and a few questions.
when I arrived to see Mum today the Carers were taking all the dementia residents out into the garden to get some fresh air - sun screen or under the parasols as they wished. Fortunately they hadn’t quite taken Mum and one other lady outside as I could not have sat with the other residents and would have had to move Mum. due to the rules) so I just took Mum out to our usual spot. We had a chat and had some tea and biscuits. It was ok and one of the Carers took a lovely photo of us both. Mum however was quite muddled.
At the end of the visit I did my usual - I am off to work now - do you want to go and sit with the other ladies as it will be lunch time soon. Mum said No she was going to go back to K (where she used to live) I said there was no buses today so she said she was going to walk. I suggested in that case as she had ordered and paid for her lunch she had better eat first. Fortunately one of the Carers over heard what I was saying and came over and said she would take her to the dining room. Mum went off happily.
Interim clinical manager spoke to me today after she had spoken to safe guarding. There is a concern about the ‘fighting’ due to the number of incidents. However apart from using 1:1 care for wandering lady nobody has had any bright ideas. I did have a thought today. Should I move Mum to another CH which is in the same brand, so as again it is purpose built it looks very much the same. It is also closer to me (and slightly cheaper) I might have a chat and find out how long the manager has been there as I think it has been a while and how many dementia residents they have there. Also whether Mum would have to quarantine if she moved between the two. No definite thoughts but thought it might be worth a ponder and a few questions.
when I arrived to see Mum today the Carers were taking all the dementia residents out into the garden to get some fresh air - sun screen or under the parasols as they wished. Fortunately they hadn’t quite taken Mum and one other lady outside as I could not have sat with the other residents and would have had to move Mum. due to the rules) so I just took Mum out to our usual spot. We had a chat and had some tea and biscuits. It was ok and one of the Carers took a lovely photo of us both. Mum however was quite muddled.
At the end of the visit I did my usual - I am off to work now - do you want to go and sit with the other ladies as it will be lunch time soon. Mum said No she was going to go back to K (where she used to live) I said there was no buses today so she said she was going to walk. I suggested in that case as she had ordered and paid for her lunch she had better eat first. Fortunately one of the Carers over heard what I was saying and came over and said she would take her to the dining room. Mum went off happily.
Mum was in the dining room clutching her handbag when I arrived today. Staff told me she had refused to leave when the other ladies went up to the lounge. They had left her there as they knew I was visiting. I did get a smile and we had a hug. She was not particularly interested in the return of her repaired toy ‘puppy dog’ or the flowers I had taken her. I asked her if she wanted a drink but she was not interested. The catering staff came in to tidy up but were happy for us to remain there. I did take the opportunity to fetch the current vase of old flowers from her room and put the fresh ones in. Clutching her handbag generally means she wants me to take her home (this time she kept mentioning the last place she lived). I struggled today to keep trying to distract her.
We nearly had another incident with wandering woman. As we left the dining room wandering lady came up to Mum and started talking to her but it sounded quite aggressive. Mum told her to go away or she was going to thump her. Fortunately she did go away.
I did get Mum into the garden for a walk and a tea and biscuit in the garden. Felt so sorry for Mum today as she was desperate to communicate something to me but I really could not understand what she was saying and I obviously was not making the right reply and poor Mum was so frustrated.
time up I took her back up to her floor and as she got out of the lift she just said ‘o god not this place again’. With the help of a Carer I did get her settled in the lounge with another cup of tea and she accepted I had to go.
When I first arrived I had spoken to clinical lead about the idea of moving Mum to one of their other homes. She thought Mum would cope with it. Whilst I was with Mum she had talked to the Manager of the CH nearer me. In principle Yes but they need a few more dementia residents (new home opened Jan 20 so still vacancies but have just received a good CQC report so had more interest) to open up the dementia floor there. So it could be a couple of months. I guess we will have to wait and see.
We nearly had another incident with wandering woman. As we left the dining room wandering lady came up to Mum and started talking to her but it sounded quite aggressive. Mum told her to go away or she was going to thump her. Fortunately she did go away.
I did get Mum into the garden for a walk and a tea and biscuit in the garden. Felt so sorry for Mum today as she was desperate to communicate something to me but I really could not understand what she was saying and I obviously was not making the right reply and poor Mum was so frustrated.
time up I took her back up to her floor and as she got out of the lift she just said ‘o god not this place again’. With the help of a Carer I did get her settled in the lounge with another cup of tea and she accepted I had to go.
When I first arrived I had spoken to clinical lead about the idea of moving Mum to one of their other homes. She thought Mum would cope with it. Whilst I was with Mum she had talked to the Manager of the CH nearer me. In principle Yes but they need a few more dementia residents (new home opened Jan 20 so still vacancies but have just received a good CQC report so had more interest) to open up the dementia floor there. So it could be a couple of months. I guess we will have to wait and see.
it will probably be better for your mum away from wandering lady. do you think that was what she was trying to get you to grasp. maybe your mum is anxious about the wandering lady. it seems to start with that.
You could well be right.
if we decide to go for it I just need to get my brother to agree and sometimes I don’t understand him.
