• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Sugar in her coffee

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
Monday’s visit was nice on the whole. Mum was all chatty, smiling and laughing. As usual she made little sense with an exception of when we were talking about the Queen’s dress. She asked about her Mum and Dad and then 20 mins later mentioned that her Dad had died.
She did try to kick ‘wandering lady’ who came and stood by us. I did tell her that was not nice and she should ignore her but I have no expectations that that would make a difference. No ‘one to one Carer with wandering lady’ as Mum was in the lounge and all the other residents (and Carers) were in the dining room eating breakfast. Mum had a cup of tea but said she had not had her breakfast. On checking with the Carers she had but they did Mum another slice of toast anyway. This is the 2nd time in 2 weeks she has forgotten that she has eaten so I think another step on. Additionally she needed more help with going to the toilet - undoing button on her trousers and actually standing her in front of the toilet so that she recognised it as such. Again another step. I just need to bring in some more elastic only trousers. Although she can still do her cardi buttons up.
we finished the visit with a walk round the garden. By this time the other ladies on her floor were all downstairs in the garden. I told Mum I was off to work and that perhaps she would like to join the other ladies for drinks before lunch. Mum got all anxious and said she wouldn’t have come if she had known she had got to find her own way home. I said it is ok - have your lunch here and I will be back later after work. One of the Carers also came over and asked Mum to come and sit next to her and keep her company. I will try sneaking out tomorrow if I can ring and get some feedback from the Carers later as to whether it creates more upset. Unfortunately the whole lay out of the dementia floor and downstairs in the garden is not good for ‘sneaking’ out. Anyway we will give it a go and see what happens.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,227
0
Southampton
Monday’s visit was nice on the whole. Mum was all chatty, smiling and laughing. As usual she made little sense with an exception of when we were talking about the Queen’s dress. She asked about her Mum and Dad and then 20 mins later mentioned that her Dad had died.
She did try to kick ‘wandering lady’ who came and stood by us. I did tell her that was not nice and she should ignore her but I have no expectations that that would make a difference. No ‘one to one Carer with wandering lady’ as Mum was in the lounge and all the other residents (and Carers) were in the dining room eating breakfast. Mum had a cup of tea but said she had not had her breakfast. On checking with the Carers she had but they did Mum another slice of toast anyway. This is the 2nd time in 2 weeks she has forgotten that she has eaten so I think another step on. Additionally she needed more help with going to the toilet - undoing button on her trousers and actually standing her in front of the toilet so that she recognised it as such. Again another step. I just need to bring in some more elastic only trousers. Although she can still do her cardi buttons up.
we finished the visit with a walk round the garden. By this time the other ladies on her floor were all downstairs in the garden. I told Mum I was off to work and that perhaps she would like to join the other ladies for drinks before lunch. Mum got all anxious and said she wouldn’t have come if she had known she had got to find her own way home. I said it is ok - have your lunch here and I will be back later after work. One of the Carers also came over and asked Mum to come and sit next to her and keep her company. I will try sneaking out tomorrow if I can ring and get some feedback from the Carers later as to whether it creates more upset. Unfortunately the whole lay out of the dementia floor and downstairs in the garden is not good for ‘sneaking’ out. Anyway we will give it a go and see what happens.
the carers seem good at their job. i bet the wandering lady 1-1 carer is being additionally funded so its not fair that she isnt getting it. they should be monitoring her as what would have happened if you wasnt there to stop it?
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
Yes ‘wandering lady does have additional funding @jennifer1967.
Wednesday we had another walk round the gardens and then sat outside having a coffee and cake. The activities coordinator and one of the catering ladies were setting up tables for a ‘mad hatters teas party in the afternoon’. It looked really nice. I saw photos on the Homes Facebook page later and the food looked lovely and most of the residents looked like they had a good time). We then headed back upstairs as it was nearly time to leave, so I sat down for a few minutes in the lounge with Mum and then said I needed to pop to the loo. I saw good Carer in the corridor and he said he would distract her. I rang later and he confirmed no issues. Hurrah.
Friday was raining and Mum was still in the dining room when I arrived. One of the Carers had suggested Mum might like Marmite on toast for breakfast which Mum had tried one bite of and said it was disgusting. (No sitting on the fence with that one then) so they were just making her some of her usual toast and marmalade. So I sat with Mum whilst she ate and then we had a look through a gadget magazine. She seemed to be wanting to ‘go out’ but not sure where to, so I said we would have to wait until it stopped raining. So we went and sat in the lounge and were able to sit on a sofa in front of the tv. Carer put on one of the ‘do your house up’ programs which Mum likes. She only half watched but it provided items for us to ‘chat’ about. Now I don’t know if it was because we were in the lounge or whether it was because I said I had to go to work but would be back at teatime but Mum seemed quite happy and just said ‘ ok see you later’. I guess I might be able to use both.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,227
0
Southampton
Yes ‘wandering lady does have additional funding @jennifer1967.
Wednesday we had another walk round the gardens and then sat outside having a coffee and cake. The activities coordinator and one of the catering ladies were setting up tables for a ‘mad hatters teas party in the afternoon’. It looked really nice. I saw photos on the Homes Facebook page later and the food looked lovely and most of the residents looked like they had a good time). We then headed back upstairs as it was nearly time to leave, so I sat down for a few minutes in the lounge with Mum and then said I needed to pop to the loo. I saw good Carer in the corridor and he said he would distract her. I rang later and he confirmed no issues. Hurrah.
Friday was raining and Mum was still in the dining room when I arrived. One of the Carers had suggested Mum might like Marmite on toast for breakfast which Mum had tried one bite of and said it was disgusting. (No sitting on the fence with that one then) so they were just making her some of her usual toast and marmalade. So I sat with Mum whilst she ate and then we had a look through a gadget magazine. She seemed to be wanting to ‘go out’ but not sure where to, so I said we would have to wait until it stopped raining. So we went and sat in the lounge and were able to sit on a sofa in front of the tv. Carer put on one of the ‘do your house up’ programs which Mum likes. She only half watched but it provided items for us to ‘chat’ about. Now I don’t know if it was because we were in the lounge or whether it was because I said I had to go to work but would be back at teatime but Mum seemed quite happy and just said ‘ ok see you later’. I guess I might be able to use both.
your mum sounds more happier and settled. no i thought if the carer is not turning up, where does the additional money go. you are very good with your mum.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
your mum sounds more happier and settled. no i thought if the carer is not turning up, where does the additional money go. you are very good with your mum.
Good question. It would be interesting to know the answer.
I am not sure I am good. In some ways, although it sounds bad, as we are/were never a close family (cared for but never a huggy, do lots of stuff together) I sometimes see it as a job and take a step back emotionally. She is though my Mum and I want her to be cared for properly like any other person. I also try and at least care for Mum as how I hope someone will care for me one day. I will always fight for her.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
So I am away for 5 days this week but I did not say anything to Mum as the concept of time has gone and I did not want to upset her. Obviously I am not visiting.
Senior carer rang me up at lunchtime. Mum had flung herself down outside of the dining room and refused to get up. They had tried all sorts but not succeeded however Mum had said she wanted to talk to me. Hence the phone call. However they were trying to get her to sit up so she could hold the phone and talk to me. I did try saying Mum it’s me B but she was not responding. I feel so hopeless as trying to do anything over the phone is difficult. Yet my brother told me that he had managed to calm her down in moments on the phone on Sunday. I am not sure how honest he is with me or whether Mum can still do a hostess mode with him. If he can calm her then that is good.
mum had apparently being throwing stones at other residents on Friday afternoon after I left. Again fortunately nobody was hurt
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,227
0
Southampton
So I am away for 5 days this week but I did not say anything to Mum as the concept of time has gone and I did not want to upset her. Obviously I am not visiting.
Senior carer rang me up at lunchtime. Mum had flung herself down outside of the dining room and refused to get up. They had tried all sorts but not succeeded however Mum had said she wanted to talk to me. Hence the phone call. However they were trying to get her to sit up so she could hold the phone and talk to me. I did try saying Mum it’s me B but she was not responding. I feel so hopeless as trying to do anything over the phone is difficult. Yet my brother told me that he had managed to calm her down in moments on the phone on Sunday. I am not sure how honest he is with me or whether Mum can still do a hostess mode with him. If he can calm her then that is good.
mum had apparently being throwing stones at other residents on Friday afternoon after I left. Again fortunately nobody was hurt
hope you have a nice few days and they dont phone you too often
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,610
0
Could your brother be the 'phone contact while you are away @Bikerbeth to give you a break, or is he a weekends only sort of support? Perhaps he could take on the "calming over the 'phone role" if he can manage that, and you and the care home would be happy with it?
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
To be fair @jennifer1967 and @lemonbalm i did say to the Home I didn’t mind them contacting me.
I guess it is because I am a bit of a control freak too that I find it hard to let go. Relationship between me and brother is not good and I guess his arrogant attitude of ‘I can do everything better than you’ gets to me. He has also been so hurtful to Mum in the past I don’t trust him. He would do everything for his MIL but when Mum wanted some shelves put up etc he wouldn’t come down for a few days to help her out. At 88 he still expected her to drive 300 odd miles on Xmas morning and then said she would have to leave the day after Boxing Day. That would be her once a year chance to see them and her grandchildren, apologies for my rant
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,227
0
Southampton
To be fair @jennifer1967 and @lemonbalm i did say to the Home I didn’t mind them contacting me.
I guess it is because I am a bit of a control freak too that I find it hard to let go. Relationship between me and brother is not good and I guess his arrogant attitude of ‘I can do everything better than you’ gets to me. He has also been so hurtful to Mum in the past I don’t trust him. He would do everything for his MIL but when Mum wanted some shelves put up etc he wouldn’t come down for a few days to help her out. At 88 he still expected her to drive 300 odd miles on Xmas morning and then said she would have to leave the day after Boxing Day. That would be her once a year chance to see them and her grandchildren, apologies for my rant
no apologies neccesary @Bikerbeth, i just thought that it would be nice for you to have a break but if you are going to be more worried, then it probably better to take the call. you know your situation best.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,610
0
To be fair @jennifer1967 and @lemonbalm i did say to the Home I didn’t mind them contacting me.
I guess it is because I am a bit of a control freak too that I find it hard to let go. Relationship between me and brother is not good and I guess his arrogant attitude of ‘I can do everything better than you’ gets to me. He has also been so hurtful to Mum in the past I don’t trust him. He would do everything for his MIL but when Mum wanted some shelves put up etc he wouldn’t come down for a few days to help her out. At 88 he still expected her to drive 300 odd miles on Xmas morning and then said she would have to leave the day after Boxing Day. That would be her once a year chance to see them and her grandchildren, apologies for my rant

Ah I see, probably far better to keep it all under your control (no apologies required!)
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
Went in to see Mum today and saw senior Carer who had been working the other day. When Mum decided to lie down in the corridor. Brilliant lady. She said they gave Mum some space and left her sitting on the floor by the dining room but just kept an eye on her from a distance. Carer then walked past 10 minutes later and just said to Mum as she passed by ‘ are you coming to lunch?’ At which point Mum scrambled off the floor using the hand rail and headed into the dining room. No problems for the rest of the day!
visit today was nice and we looked through a clothes magazine. She does need some more trousers and I wanted to see what she liked. I then persuaded her to go out for a walk in the garden - she was quite apprehensive going downstairs (via lift) and through the ground floor reception area to get into the garden but once outside she enjoyed our wander around. Due to the weather we could not sit out there so I said I needed to use the toilet so it seemed normal that we should head back in. She went and sat in the lounge and I said I would go and get her slippers which I did. When I came back I asked if it was ok if I changed her shoes back to her slippers and she said yes. Whilst I was doing it she told me her daughter B was here today and did I know where she was :( I mentioned I thought she had gone to the loo. By this time she was looking quite tired so I took her shoes back to her room and slipped out of the building.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,227
0
Southampton
Went in to see Mum today and saw senior Carer who had been working the other day. When Mum decided to lie down in the corridor. Brilliant lady. She said they gave Mum some space and left her sitting on the floor by the dining room but just kept an eye on her from a distance. Carer then walked past 10 minutes later and just said to Mum as she passed by ‘ are you coming to lunch?’ At which point Mum scrambled off the floor using the hand rail and headed into the dining room. No problems for the rest of the day!
visit today was nice and we looked through a clothes magazine. She does need some more trousers and I wanted to see what she liked. I then persuaded her to go out for a walk in the garden - she was quite apprehensive going downstairs (via lift) and through the ground floor reception area to get into the garden but once outside she enjoyed our wander around. Due to the weather we could not sit out there so I said I needed to use the toilet so it seemed normal that we should head back in. She went and sat in the lounge and I said I would go and get her slippers which I did. When I came back I asked if it was ok if I changed her shoes back to her slippers and she said yes. Whilst I was doing it she told me her daughter B was here today and did I know where she was :( I mentioned I thought she had gone to the loo. By this time she was looking quite tired so I took her shoes back to her room and slipped out of the building.
sometimes, the more they try to get the person to do something, the more they dig their heels in. your mum wasnt going to miss out on dinner
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
So I managed to get away for another week to see my cousin, ex boss and friend and a bit of walking and sightseeing in Yorkshire.
I was not sure how Mum would be when I got back but fortunately she had not noticed I had been away and just smiled when she saw me.
The Mental Health Team have just started Mum on Memantine.
Mum, as usual at the moment, was chatting away, most of which made no sense. She asked if I had enjoyed the dance which is her frequent question. She also asked if I had spoken to anyone in the family. However if I talk about anyone in the family she tells me she doesn’t know them and is not really interested.
My cousin had sent Mum a letter and a magazine. Mum could still read most of the words in the letter but did not really seem to understand them. She looked at the magazine and enjoyed looking at the expensive houses at the back. She quite fancied the 3/4 of a million £ bungalow.
I managed to take Mum to the in house hairdresser on Monday but she got a bit angry and shouty. The hairdresser obviously wraps towels and cape round her neck to keep her dry whilst washing her hair but Mum doesn’t like it. So revised plan is if Carers can wash her hair in the shower that morning then the hair dresser will just damp it down and cut. One day this week I also suggested a walk in the garden. We got downstairs by the reception area to go out into the garden and again she got angry and started shouting that she was not going out there - it was not clear if she meant the garden or the main entrance. She said the music was too loud and the men were all drunk. I said she did not have to do anything she did not want to do and she just had to tell me and no need to shout. I then took her round the far side of the reception and into the garden and she was fine. I think because they have been holding music events in the garden that is where she has got this idea from. Not that anybody has been drunk that I know of but they do try and get singers in for birthdays or perhaps music with an afternoon tea scenario which is held on the patio area just behind reception.
The activities coordinator has given her notice in and again there seems to be more agency staff on. They do still at least seem to have the 1 to 1 Carer for the ‘wandering’ lady so there has been less incidents between her and Mum which is good for both of them.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,223
0
Glad you got a week away @Bikerbeth and that your mum didn't notice your absence. Sounds like a bit of a mixed visit, but at least some of it sounds good. I'm glad the wandering ladies one to one is up and running too.
I wonder what it is about your mum's care home that means staff don't stay long? I guess it might just be the problems everyone's having with care home staffing, and they find places that they prefer to move too. I'm assuming that the assistant activities co-ordinator at mum's place has left as an email she was copied into bounced, and the reply from the main co-ordinator had someone I'd never heard of copied in. I couldn't make the last relatives zoom meeting, but the manager is always a bit cagey about people leaving unless directly asked.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,227
0
Southampton
good idea about the hair washing @Bikerbeth, i dont like my hair washed at the hair dressers so not just your mum. surprising what lingers in their memory.
my husband has just started memantine as well last saturday. hope it helps your mum.
glad you could go away to your cousins, nice to have the break and your mum was fine.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
I think it is the lack of leadership @Sarasa - all the changes in Managers or no manager has not helped. The activity coordinator told me today that she doesn’t have a budget for activities as nobody has been around long enough to sign it off. She also told me her final straw was all the staff got a COVID bonus unless they were ‘admin’ and she fell in that category which is terrible. I think it is also the general shortage of good Carers. I spoke to a senior Carer who says that the wages are very slightly better than the normal but because they never manage to get a full compliment of staff the good ones are overloaded, get fed up and try somewhere else.
thank you @jennifer1967 i keep my fingers crossed for both my Mum and your husband that it brings some improvements. I have just caught up on your post which seems a mixed bag but I have been thinking about you.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,037
0
Bedford
Today’s visit with Mum went like a dream for me.
Mum had finished her breakfast as I went into the dining room and i suggested we should go for a walk in the sunshine and then stop for some coffee and cake. The Home nurse was in the room and she too agreed that it sounded a lovely idea.
Despite Mum’s slight hesitation I got Mum into the garden for a short walk before heading back to the patio area where the lovely receptionist brought us some coffee and cake. So we stayed out there for a ‘natter’
Mum then said she needed the loo so I took her back to her room. Her laundry had been brought back so I said I would hang it up whilst she used the toilet.
when she came out I said ‘o look I found your handbag’ as of course she is always loosing it. So whilst Mum happily sorted out the contents of her handbag I carried on sorting all the clothes in her wardrobe and drawers. The staff are generally good and do their best but it is easier for me. So I got the wardrobe and drawers sorted out ( I am sure they will be in a mess again by Monday), got some dirty clothes put out for washing, found some clothes that did not belong to her - also put in the wash pile in case and removed everything else that she had squirrelled away - such as napkins, extra duvet covers and other various items.
mum even thanked me for helping tidy up 😀 so well pleased all round
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,227
0
Southampton
I think it is the lack of leadership @Sarasa - all the changes in Managers or no manager has not helped. The activity coordinator told me today that she doesn’t have a budget for activities as nobody has been around long enough to sign it off. She also told me her final straw was all the staff got a COVID bonus unless they were ‘admin’ and she fell in that category which is terrible. I think it is also the general shortage of good Carers. I spoke to a senior Carer who says that the wages are very slightly better than the normal but because they never manage to get a full compliment of staff the good ones are overloaded, get fed up and try somewhere else.
thank you @jennifer1967 i keep my fingers crossed for both my Mum and your husband that it brings some improvements. I have just caught up on your post which seems a mixed bag but I have been thinking about you.
thank you @Bikerbeth i always read your posts. always good with your mum and different ways of dealing with things
 

Forum statistics

Threads
119,931
Messages
1,757,111
Members
70,868
Latest member
Rosie1111