Sugar in her coffee

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
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Southampton
Yes ‘wandering lady does have additional funding @jennifer1967.
Wednesday we had another walk round the gardens and then sat outside having a coffee and cake. The activities coordinator and one of the catering ladies were setting up tables for a ‘mad hatters teas party in the afternoon’. It looked really nice. I saw photos on the Homes Facebook page later and the food looked lovely and most of the residents looked like they had a good time). We then headed back upstairs as it was nearly time to leave, so I sat down for a few minutes in the lounge with Mum and then said I needed to pop to the loo. I saw good Carer in the corridor and he said he would distract her. I rang later and he confirmed no issues. Hurrah.
Friday was raining and Mum was still in the dining room when I arrived. One of the Carers had suggested Mum might like Marmite on toast for breakfast which Mum had tried one bite of and said it was disgusting. (No sitting on the fence with that one then) so they were just making her some of her usual toast and marmalade. So I sat with Mum whilst she ate and then we had a look through a gadget magazine. She seemed to be wanting to ‘go out’ but not sure where to, so I said we would have to wait until it stopped raining. So we went and sat in the lounge and were able to sit on a sofa in front of the tv. Carer put on one of the ‘do your house up’ programs which Mum likes. She only half watched but it provided items for us to ‘chat’ about. Now I don’t know if it was because we were in the lounge or whether it was because I said I had to go to work but would be back at teatime but Mum seemed quite happy and just said ‘ ok see you later’. I guess I might be able to use both.
your mum sounds more happier and settled. no i thought if the carer is not turning up, where does the additional money go. you are very good with your mum.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
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Bedford
your mum sounds more happier and settled. no i thought if the carer is not turning up, where does the additional money go. you are very good with your mum.
Good question. It would be interesting to know the answer.
I am not sure I am good. In some ways, although it sounds bad, as we are/were never a close family (cared for but never a huggy, do lots of stuff together) I sometimes see it as a job and take a step back emotionally. She is though my Mum and I want her to be cared for properly like any other person. I also try and at least care for Mum as how I hope someone will care for me one day. I will always fight for her.
 

Bikerbeth

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Feb 11, 2019
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Bedford
So I am away for 5 days this week but I did not say anything to Mum as the concept of time has gone and I did not want to upset her. Obviously I am not visiting.
Senior carer rang me up at lunchtime. Mum had flung herself down outside of the dining room and refused to get up. They had tried all sorts but not succeeded however Mum had said she wanted to talk to me. Hence the phone call. However they were trying to get her to sit up so she could hold the phone and talk to me. I did try saying Mum it’s me B but she was not responding. I feel so hopeless as trying to do anything over the phone is difficult. Yet my brother told me that he had managed to calm her down in moments on the phone on Sunday. I am not sure how honest he is with me or whether Mum can still do a hostess mode with him. If he can calm her then that is good.
mum had apparently being throwing stones at other residents on Friday afternoon after I left. Again fortunately nobody was hurt
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
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Southampton
So I am away for 5 days this week but I did not say anything to Mum as the concept of time has gone and I did not want to upset her. Obviously I am not visiting.
Senior carer rang me up at lunchtime. Mum had flung herself down outside of the dining room and refused to get up. They had tried all sorts but not succeeded however Mum had said she wanted to talk to me. Hence the phone call. However they were trying to get her to sit up so she could hold the phone and talk to me. I did try saying Mum it’s me B but she was not responding. I feel so hopeless as trying to do anything over the phone is difficult. Yet my brother told me that he had managed to calm her down in moments on the phone on Sunday. I am not sure how honest he is with me or whether Mum can still do a hostess mode with him. If he can calm her then that is good.
mum had apparently being throwing stones at other residents on Friday afternoon after I left. Again fortunately nobody was hurt
hope you have a nice few days and they dont phone you too often
 

lemonbalm

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May 21, 2018
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Could your brother be the 'phone contact while you are away @Bikerbeth to give you a break, or is he a weekends only sort of support? Perhaps he could take on the "calming over the 'phone role" if he can manage that, and you and the care home would be happy with it?
 

Bikerbeth

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Feb 11, 2019
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Bedford
To be fair @jennifer1967 and @lemonbalm i did say to the Home I didn’t mind them contacting me.
I guess it is because I am a bit of a control freak too that I find it hard to let go. Relationship between me and brother is not good and I guess his arrogant attitude of ‘I can do everything better than you’ gets to me. He has also been so hurtful to Mum in the past I don’t trust him. He would do everything for his MIL but when Mum wanted some shelves put up etc he wouldn’t come down for a few days to help her out. At 88 he still expected her to drive 300 odd miles on Xmas morning and then said she would have to leave the day after Boxing Day. That would be her once a year chance to see them and her grandchildren, apologies for my rant
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
22,983
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Southampton
To be fair @jennifer1967 and @lemonbalm i did say to the Home I didn’t mind them contacting me.
I guess it is because I am a bit of a control freak too that I find it hard to let go. Relationship between me and brother is not good and I guess his arrogant attitude of ‘I can do everything better than you’ gets to me. He has also been so hurtful to Mum in the past I don’t trust him. He would do everything for his MIL but when Mum wanted some shelves put up etc he wouldn’t come down for a few days to help her out. At 88 he still expected her to drive 300 odd miles on Xmas morning and then said she would have to leave the day after Boxing Day. That would be her once a year chance to see them and her grandchildren, apologies for my rant
no apologies neccesary @Bikerbeth, i just thought that it would be nice for you to have a break but if you are going to be more worried, then it probably better to take the call. you know your situation best.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
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To be fair @jennifer1967 and @lemonbalm i did say to the Home I didn’t mind them contacting me.
I guess it is because I am a bit of a control freak too that I find it hard to let go. Relationship between me and brother is not good and I guess his arrogant attitude of ‘I can do everything better than you’ gets to me. He has also been so hurtful to Mum in the past I don’t trust him. He would do everything for his MIL but when Mum wanted some shelves put up etc he wouldn’t come down for a few days to help her out. At 88 he still expected her to drive 300 odd miles on Xmas morning and then said she would have to leave the day after Boxing Day. That would be her once a year chance to see them and her grandchildren, apologies for my rant

Ah I see, probably far better to keep it all under your control (no apologies required!)
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
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Bedford
Went in to see Mum today and saw senior Carer who had been working the other day. When Mum decided to lie down in the corridor. Brilliant lady. She said they gave Mum some space and left her sitting on the floor by the dining room but just kept an eye on her from a distance. Carer then walked past 10 minutes later and just said to Mum as she passed by ‘ are you coming to lunch?’ At which point Mum scrambled off the floor using the hand rail and headed into the dining room. No problems for the rest of the day!
visit today was nice and we looked through a clothes magazine. She does need some more trousers and I wanted to see what she liked. I then persuaded her to go out for a walk in the garden - she was quite apprehensive going downstairs (via lift) and through the ground floor reception area to get into the garden but once outside she enjoyed our wander around. Due to the weather we could not sit out there so I said I needed to use the toilet so it seemed normal that we should head back in. She went and sat in the lounge and I said I would go and get her slippers which I did. When I came back I asked if it was ok if I changed her shoes back to her slippers and she said yes. Whilst I was doing it she told me her daughter B was here today and did I know where she was :( I mentioned I thought she had gone to the loo. By this time she was looking quite tired so I took her shoes back to her room and slipped out of the building.
 

jennifer1967

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Mar 15, 2020
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Southampton
Went in to see Mum today and saw senior Carer who had been working the other day. When Mum decided to lie down in the corridor. Brilliant lady. She said they gave Mum some space and left her sitting on the floor by the dining room but just kept an eye on her from a distance. Carer then walked past 10 minutes later and just said to Mum as she passed by ‘ are you coming to lunch?’ At which point Mum scrambled off the floor using the hand rail and headed into the dining room. No problems for the rest of the day!
visit today was nice and we looked through a clothes magazine. She does need some more trousers and I wanted to see what she liked. I then persuaded her to go out for a walk in the garden - she was quite apprehensive going downstairs (via lift) and through the ground floor reception area to get into the garden but once outside she enjoyed our wander around. Due to the weather we could not sit out there so I said I needed to use the toilet so it seemed normal that we should head back in. She went and sat in the lounge and I said I would go and get her slippers which I did. When I came back I asked if it was ok if I changed her shoes back to her slippers and she said yes. Whilst I was doing it she told me her daughter B was here today and did I know where she was :( I mentioned I thought she had gone to the loo. By this time she was looking quite tired so I took her shoes back to her room and slipped out of the building.
sometimes, the more they try to get the person to do something, the more they dig their heels in. your mum wasnt going to miss out on dinner
 

Bikerbeth

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Feb 11, 2019
2,119
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Bedford
So I managed to get away for another week to see my cousin, ex boss and friend and a bit of walking and sightseeing in Yorkshire.
I was not sure how Mum would be when I got back but fortunately she had not noticed I had been away and just smiled when she saw me.
The Mental Health Team have just started Mum on Memantine.
Mum, as usual at the moment, was chatting away, most of which made no sense. She asked if I had enjoyed the dance which is her frequent question. She also asked if I had spoken to anyone in the family. However if I talk about anyone in the family she tells me she doesn’t know them and is not really interested.
My cousin had sent Mum a letter and a magazine. Mum could still read most of the words in the letter but did not really seem to understand them. She looked at the magazine and enjoyed looking at the expensive houses at the back. She quite fancied the 3/4 of a million £ bungalow.
I managed to take Mum to the in house hairdresser on Monday but she got a bit angry and shouty. The hairdresser obviously wraps towels and cape round her neck to keep her dry whilst washing her hair but Mum doesn’t like it. So revised plan is if Carers can wash her hair in the shower that morning then the hair dresser will just damp it down and cut. One day this week I also suggested a walk in the garden. We got downstairs by the reception area to go out into the garden and again she got angry and started shouting that she was not going out there - it was not clear if she meant the garden or the main entrance. She said the music was too loud and the men were all drunk. I said she did not have to do anything she did not want to do and she just had to tell me and no need to shout. I then took her round the far side of the reception and into the garden and she was fine. I think because they have been holding music events in the garden that is where she has got this idea from. Not that anybody has been drunk that I know of but they do try and get singers in for birthdays or perhaps music with an afternoon tea scenario which is held on the patio area just behind reception.
The activities coordinator has given her notice in and again there seems to be more agency staff on. They do still at least seem to have the 1 to 1 Carer for the ‘wandering’ lady so there has been less incidents between her and Mum which is good for both of them.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
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Nottinghamshire
Glad you got a week away @Bikerbeth and that your mum didn't notice your absence. Sounds like a bit of a mixed visit, but at least some of it sounds good. I'm glad the wandering ladies one to one is up and running too.
I wonder what it is about your mum's care home that means staff don't stay long? I guess it might just be the problems everyone's having with care home staffing, and they find places that they prefer to move too. I'm assuming that the assistant activities co-ordinator at mum's place has left as an email she was copied into bounced, and the reply from the main co-ordinator had someone I'd never heard of copied in. I couldn't make the last relatives zoom meeting, but the manager is always a bit cagey about people leaving unless directly asked.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
22,983
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Southampton
good idea about the hair washing @Bikerbeth, i dont like my hair washed at the hair dressers so not just your mum. surprising what lingers in their memory.
my husband has just started memantine as well last saturday. hope it helps your mum.
glad you could go away to your cousins, nice to have the break and your mum was fine.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
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Bedford
I think it is the lack of leadership @Sarasa - all the changes in Managers or no manager has not helped. The activity coordinator told me today that she doesn’t have a budget for activities as nobody has been around long enough to sign it off. She also told me her final straw was all the staff got a COVID bonus unless they were ‘admin’ and she fell in that category which is terrible. I think it is also the general shortage of good Carers. I spoke to a senior Carer who says that the wages are very slightly better than the normal but because they never manage to get a full compliment of staff the good ones are overloaded, get fed up and try somewhere else.
thank you @jennifer1967 i keep my fingers crossed for both my Mum and your husband that it brings some improvements. I have just caught up on your post which seems a mixed bag but I have been thinking about you.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
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Bedford
Today’s visit with Mum went like a dream for me.
Mum had finished her breakfast as I went into the dining room and i suggested we should go for a walk in the sunshine and then stop for some coffee and cake. The Home nurse was in the room and she too agreed that it sounded a lovely idea.
Despite Mum’s slight hesitation I got Mum into the garden for a short walk before heading back to the patio area where the lovely receptionist brought us some coffee and cake. So we stayed out there for a ‘natter’
Mum then said she needed the loo so I took her back to her room. Her laundry had been brought back so I said I would hang it up whilst she used the toilet.
when she came out I said ‘o look I found your handbag’ as of course she is always loosing it. So whilst Mum happily sorted out the contents of her handbag I carried on sorting all the clothes in her wardrobe and drawers. The staff are generally good and do their best but it is easier for me. So I got the wardrobe and drawers sorted out ( I am sure they will be in a mess again by Monday), got some dirty clothes put out for washing, found some clothes that did not belong to her - also put in the wash pile in case and removed everything else that she had squirrelled away - such as napkins, extra duvet covers and other various items.
mum even thanked me for helping tidy up ? so well pleased all round
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
22,983
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Southampton
I think it is the lack of leadership @Sarasa - all the changes in Managers or no manager has not helped. The activity coordinator told me today that she doesn’t have a budget for activities as nobody has been around long enough to sign it off. She also told me her final straw was all the staff got a COVID bonus unless they were ‘admin’ and she fell in that category which is terrible. I think it is also the general shortage of good Carers. I spoke to a senior Carer who says that the wages are very slightly better than the normal but because they never manage to get a full compliment of staff the good ones are overloaded, get fed up and try somewhere else.
thank you @jennifer1967 i keep my fingers crossed for both my Mum and your husband that it brings some improvements. I have just caught up on your post which seems a mixed bag but I have been thinking about you.
thank you @Bikerbeth i always read your posts. always good with your mum and different ways of dealing with things
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
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Bedford
I did not sleep well Sunday night and was not very happy and I guess Mum picked up on this when I visited (despite me trying to do my happy face). She didn’t want to go for a walk in the garden or see the hairdresser. She kept nodding of for a few minutes every so often in the chair in the lounge . Carer said she had been up since 6.30am. She got bad cramps in her leg so I finally managed to get her up and walking. However she walked to the end of one corridor and tried to push the window open ( they have those restrictions on them) and when it did not open she set off along the other corridor and tried to do the same there. When I said that they did not open anymore with clarity she told me ‘that’s a shame I wanted to jump out’ ?
Wednesday visit was better. She did have a strop on and the nurse had to try a couple of times to get Mum to take her tablets. She had tried before I arrived and Mum had threatened to thrown them at her. She took them when I was there but with bad grace whereas she is usually quite good. She did mention later that she was fed up with people telling her what to do and what she could not do. She agreed to go for a walk in the garden and was striding along like a youngster and ‘no she did not need to hold my arm’ . She did want to go out into the wider world but as she only had her slippers on I suggested we would go out on Friday when we had more time. She did seem to stand in front of the shut gate wishfully.
We did have tea and biscuits outside and I did manage to get her back inside saying I needed the toilet. Fortunately she settled down in the lounge with a magazine I had taken her in.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
0
Bedford
Nearly got into trouble today as I forget to take the LFT on arrival as one of the staff distracted me. Fortunately I did remember before I left. 3 Carers upstairs today (1 doing 1 to 1 care with wandering lady) but all agency although one is going permanent next month. She was just finishing getting Mum dressed when I arrived as Mum had had a lie in. She was encouraging Mum to brush her teeth which Mum did. She left me with Mum (to take clothes away for washing) and Mum wanted to brush her hair. I tried to pass her her hairbrush but she started yelling that it was ridiculous that she had to brush her hair with this - waving the toothbrush at me which she had picked up again. I managed though I am not sure how to take the toothbrush and replace the hairbrush in her hand. However I noticed no toothpaste and I had only taken some in 2 weeks ago plus a spare to be kept in the nurses locked cupboard. I spoke to Carer later who said she couldn’t find it. I know I can do more but I found it in one of her drawers and not even hidden. It just makes me wonder whether anybody would have mentioned to me that there wasn’t any.
We went over to the breakfast area and another one of the agency Carers asked me what Mum had for breakfast. I said toast and marmalade and coffee. Mum is meant to be on a high fibre diet but the Carer brought her white toast. I asked her if there was any wholemeal bread and she said No. Mum had her breakfast and the Carers moved the other residents to the lounge. Mum and me had a ‘chat’. I then asked her if she wanted another coffee and I went and made it. I looked in the bread tin and lo and behold there was wholemeal bread in there.
Mum’s walking stick was missing as well and she is a bit wobbly without it. I had looked round the lounge, dining room and Mum’s room and no sign of it. I asked the Carers if they could have a quick look in the other resident’s rooms in case Mum had wandered into one and left her stick there. They came back a little while later and said they had looked everywhere but could not find it. There was one resident sleeping so they would try that room later. So as we could not really go for a walk outside without stick we headed into the lounge. I tried to get Mum interested in a reminiscence magazine but did not have much success. I needed the loo and have to use the one in Mum’s room but after I thought I would just have a look down the corridors. At the end of the corridor there was her stick by the window. Again why didn’t the Carers yesterday notice that the stick had gone missing. Were they agency too and not familiar with Mum and the fact that she needs her stick now.
I am just grateful that I have ECG status and can go in. I know the staffing is tough for care homes especially at the moment but I think these things are important. I just wish I could come up with a good solution