Well hubby had his 1st visitor yesterday,my son, after 5 days in respite,all he kept saying was oh you've come to take me home,thank you Michael,I knew you'd comeš.Today my eldest granddaughter went,same again,take me home,I'm going home,I'm walking out if you don't take me.My younger granddaughter is going tomorrow with her husband,she's in tears already at the thought of it,he has no idea that we all love him,all emotion is gone,all he's fixated on is going home.I've not visited yet but plan to go on Monday with my daughter,I'm dreading it,will I make things worse by going or will it calm him for a while? I've got to go haven't I so I can see how he is? He's still not sleeping and walking round all day so same routine as at home!!!
still here cont....
- Thread starter sunshine chrissy
- Start date
could you use a few love lies in that if he says are you taking me home, you could say the doctor has said you have to stay a bit longer until you are better. blame whoever deflecting it off you. at least at the care home there is a whole team of people looking after him and able to go home and rest and sleep instead of you.
Can you ask the care home staff what heās like when no members of the family are there? Or maybe listen outside the door before you go in and he sees you? This may be behaviour which he saves for you - like a child who behaves for other people and saves the bad/manipulating behaviour for Mum. My husband (Alzheimerās) does this all the time.
Also, it takes a while for people to settle into their new surroundings, the routines and the company. People with dementia donāt relate well to the here and now, so he will take time to adjust his thinking. The staff are used to this and should be able to advise and reassure you.
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This is what I'm sat here thinking right now,saying you need a bit more time to get better,the doctor will let me know when you can come home.The visits in the last few days didn't go well,both my granddaughters were in tears but I needed to know how it went.My son was his 1st visitor and he said don't go on your own,it'll be too hard when it comes time to leave.I'm dreading tomorrow,I've not seen him for a week now but my eldest daughter is coming with me,we're planning it an hour before dinner time,they chuck you out at mealtimesšWe plan to slip out while he's eating,he loves his food.He's their stepfather but they'd do anything for him,he doesn't realise how lucky he is really does heš„²
Good plan @sunshine chrissy šš
Say whatever u need to ā¦..mum is going into respite here later in the week ā¦she thought I was going with her ā¦ā¦I am now going to the ākother respite centreāā down the road but it doesnāt have a lift so she canāt go šš
Dont say ur leaving - just go as he sees the food.
he must be a fine man to have earned such love from ur children š
Say whatever u need to ā¦..mum is going into respite here later in the week ā¦she thought I was going with her ā¦ā¦I am now going to the ākother respite centreāā down the road but it doesnāt have a lift so she canāt go šš
Dont say ur leaving - just go as he sees the food.
he must be a fine man to have earned such love from ur children š
I've been going everyday,not to see him but dropping treats off for him,they said he's hardly sleeping and walking round all day long,just the same as he was at home really.My first visit is tomorrow,I'm dreading it in case it upsets him,all he's been saying is I want to go homeš„²The staff seem lovely,he's become a character already,dancing in the lounge to northern soul music which is his passion so they've obviously asked him what music he likes!
He really was,he took so much on when we met,you couldn't have wished for a better partner,all gone now,he's a different personš„²
dont take your coat in to see him so he wont have that trigger. tell him you need the toilet or need to speak to the manager and dont say goodbye maybe i wont be long
At least you have good memories which you can treasure. Hope it goes ok today
@sunshine chrissy l can relate to this my OH was such a lovely man, we have been together 44 years since I was 16. Thereās only occasional glimpses of that man now, the person who has replaced him is a stranger š
I hope your visit went okay today x
Well I went for the 1st visit today,it went ok for the first half hour,he fixated on the can of lager,chocolate and polo mints I brought!! Then it was have you come to take me home,I want to go home etc,I said not today,the doctor said you can't go home yet,he said there's no doctors in here,I'm going home right now,take me home.It was so hardš„²My daughter and I planned it around teatime so as soon as the carer said come and sit for your meal he went to sit in the dining area,we slipped out while he was eating then cried in the car,dried our eyes and went home.I can see he's got a better life in there than I can give him at home but it's hard to bear.I asked the manager how he's been,she said he's fine really,still walking around all day long and not sleeping much but happy enough in himself,he'd been dancing again in the lounge to his beloved northern soul musicšthis is same routine as at home which is why I couldn't cope anymore with lack of sleep.Must admit I'm a different person now after a week of no caring duties,I'm thinking I can't go back to that,hoping he settles in and they take him in as a permanent resident,we'll see,he's there for another 5 weeks.
Well done @sunshine chrissy šš
you did good and it sounds like the home are managing him too - you enjoy re-discovering yourselfā¦.
you did good and it sounds like the home are managing him too - you enjoy re-discovering yourselfā¦.
This is why it`s for the best however painful.
I know it might be difficult for you and the family but could you reduce the visits a little to give your husband a chance to settle?
@sunshine chrissy
Sorry to hear it was so hard for you and your daughter yesterday but it sounds like your husband may have started to settle a bit.
Must admit I'm a different person now after a week of no caring duties, I'm thinking I can't go back to that,
I think it shows how much strain is put on us being carers, we forget what real life is all about. Hopefully, they will take him full time now and visits will become more bearable for you both.
Sorry to hear it was so hard for you and your daughter yesterday but it sounds like your husband may have started to settle a bit.
Must admit I'm a different person now after a week of no caring duties, I'm thinking I can't go back to that,
I think it shows how much strain is put on us being carers, we forget what real life is all about. Hopefully, they will take him full time now and visits will become more bearable for you both.
Hello @sunshine chrissy and @jay6 - well done Chrissy for seeing it through and admitting to yourself that heās in the right place, safe and with people who know all about his condition. You can put aside the burden of being the carer and appreciate your life without feeling guilty.
You are crying for the loss of the person you used to know and love - thatās what we know dementia does, takes the personality and leaves a very changed and difficult person behind. Itās a good thing to cry, let the grief out, you and your family.
Appreciate the time you have now, not having to be āthe carerā. You have given it your best shot and have been sensible in admitting that now others can take over. No room for guilt.
I am in the same position as you were but with no hope of respite as yet. Itās an awful place to be - my husband of 48 years is gone and I am sad for the person he used to be and the good times we had, not about what he has become.
It sounds like your family are loving and supportive to both of you - best wishes to you all xx
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@Kath610 you are right - it is so sad to remember the people they were and witness what they have become due to this cruel illness.
@sunshine chrissy you have done an amazing job, given your husband everything you could to keep him at home, but there comes a point when it is too much for one person and you have reached that point. You can't go back - sleepless nights and endless days, and he needs that extra support. My dad had a fall, he was suffering from dementia but had not been diagnosed. My mum was 85 and could not cope with him so we had to persuade him to go into care telling him that it was just for a short time until he was better. When we visited he wanted to leave with us, we would just tell him we were nipping out to the shops and would be back - he accepted this and it was kinder than the truth. He did settle, he loved the food and in his mind he was in a hotel!
@sunshine chrissy you have done an amazing job, given your husband everything you could to keep him at home, but there comes a point when it is too much for one person and you have reached that point. You can't go back - sleepless nights and endless days, and he needs that extra support. My dad had a fall, he was suffering from dementia but had not been diagnosed. My mum was 85 and could not cope with him so we had to persuade him to go into care telling him that it was just for a short time until he was better. When we visited he wanted to leave with us, we would just tell him we were nipping out to the shops and would be back - he accepted this and it was kinder than the truth. He did settle, he loved the food and in his mind he was in a hotel!
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