Stepfathers requests

[Paul dennison]

Hi

My name is Paul and my stepfather has dementia and is in a care home, they look after him very well and seems happy and settled, all good so far
He has trouble remembering things and has a very narrow conversation pattern
He no longer drives and his licence has been revoked, he persistently ask for his car and wants to go and get it.
I've told him he is unable to drive and has to apply for his licence and retake his test and I will help him with this and have started with the highway code
Of course there is no chance of him ever driving again, but this gives him hope, it makes him smile, I tell him it will b hard, then he forgets and we start all over again, I'm happy to continue this way and just kicking the can down the road to appease him speak to him on the phone twice a day and visit him 3 times a week,
My mum, his wife, my sister and other family members who never visit are fed up with this process even though they have little engagement with him and frankly can't be bothered, they want to tell him he gas dementia, cannot and won't ever drive again and want to tell him some other harsh facts so they feel better
I continually decline to say these things even though some are true, as this will upset him and he won't remember in a couple of days
This is starting to affect my relationship with my family, is there any advice, I'm the only one that visits and starting g to doubt myself

 

[SherwoodSue]

I think they are perhaps struggling with you as you are pricking their consciences.

You are behaving in a compassionate way towards your step father. You are doing no harm in continuing a ‘falsehood’ as he soon forgets and learning the Highway Code is stimulating fir him and gives you a topic of conversation

Stick to your guns

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Paul dennison and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about your stepfather’s dementia but how lucky he is to have such a caring stepson.

You are doing exactly the right thing by going along with what your stepfather is saying, on here it’s called ‘love lies’ or ‘therapeutic truths’. It’s keeping him happy and contented in the care home. To confront him with the harsh realities would only cause him and you distress.

I am sorry that your mum and the rest of the family are giving you grief over this. But really if they are not visiting your stepfather they should not be telling you that you are not dealing with this in the right way. Keep doing what you are doing and try to ignore the rest of the family. Be proud of the compassion and care that you are showing.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

You are right, they are wrong.

they want to tell him he gas dementia, cannot and won't ever drive again and want to tell him some other harsh facts so they feel better

And this will make them feel better? Are they monsters? Why stop there - why not say, 'Look, chum, you've got a horrible disease. Your brain is failing and you will get worse and worse then you will die.'

You're doing exactly the right thing - phoning, visiting, being patient, helping him re-learn the highway code (whilst being realistic and telling him it will be hard), distracting him and generally soothing his anxieties.

If your family think 'their way' is better, I'm not surprised it's affecting your relationship with them. They are being really horrible and should be ashamed of themselves.

 

[maggie6445]

He's lucky to have you as a stepson. Well done! ,keep doing what you are .

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @Paul dennison.

I totally agree with the others. I think that it’s fantastic that you’ve found an activity you can both do together and that keeps your stepfather engaged. He clearly enjoys this and I think it’s so sad that your family is reacting this way. Please keep doing what you’re doing as long a you can. You’re a star!

 

[Spottydog]

For what it's worth I think you are doing your best. Loss of one's licence can be very painful for some, not least in terms of self esteem and independence. My dad wants a car again as he thinks it will solve all his problems. So I just say, 'the optician says your eyes aren't good enough at the moment and we need to wait a bit' and we carry on until the next time he asks.

It's worth letting your family know that although he may not remember facts or truths he may remember the emotions associated with delivery of those 'truths' as they are stored in a different part of the brain. So they can tell him he can't drive, upset him and he will remember the trauma of the upset but not the facts associated as to why he feels upset. Your approach is kinder and respectful of his feelings and right to have some hope in his life.

 

[Paul dennison]

Thank you DSF your replies are extremely appreciated and moved me to tears
I will continue to pursue this route with him

Thanks again

Paul

 

[SeaSwallow]

You are welcome Paul, keep posting if you need advice at any time, or even just to express how you are feeling.

 

[Jale]

Hello @Paul dennison , I think you are doing the right thing - fwiw I would do the same. Even if other members of your family did go ahead and tell him the truth, the chances are your stepfather wouldn't remember. He would be upset, forget and the whole process would just go round and round in a circle. Would that make them feel better. Sadly with dementia and associated illnesses it is the people who are the carers that have to change their way of dealing/discussing problems because the person with the illness is unable to. (hope that makes sense).

Carry on what you are doing - in it's own way you are helping your stepfather and he is lucky to have you in his corner.

Take care

 

[CAL Y]

@Paul dennison . You are to be commended for being such a compassionate carer for your stepfather.
As most of us know, it’s not easy and the last thing any of us need is interference from anyone who “thinks” they know best. Believe me there are plenty of them out there.
In my opinion, anyone who can’t be bothered has forfeited their right to a say in the matter.
Stick to your guns.