This whole section about family support has done me the world of good . I thought it must be me, nobody likes me , so they don’t visit and then I realised when I heard ‘we don’t like to see dad like that’ that I was on my own . From tonight I realise I’m no longer on my own thank you all.
****** siblings who do nothing to help
- Thread starter Buckles
- Start date
Welcome to TP @Commodore2018
I’m glad you’ve found us helpful. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
I’m glad you’ve found us helpful. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
Thank you so much, read my rant and thought I sounded very selfish, me,me, me …. I so appreciate your welcome.
Never be afraid to have a rant @Commodore2018 - we all need to do that from time to time! Welcome from me too!
Youngest stepson only ever contacts my husband when he wants something like a loan for a car (never got the last one back) to buy books for his training which he never completed or even for petrol money so he can come and see us. Husband has been in and out of hospital since November with several extended stays and close calls, nine surgeries in the first 4 months this year including 3 amputations. I wrote to stepson (couldn't bring myself to talk to him) just after the second amputation in February to let him know how sick his dad had been thinking he might call him but nothing. After the third amputation in April husband called to tell him, still no other calls not even a text or email to ask how are you dad.
He lives about 3 hours drive away. Last year he and some friends were staying 20 minutes drive from us. He asked a couple of weeks before if he could come and visit, I didn't really want him to but was determined not to do anything to come between them. Husband told him we can only do the Saturday, he agreed that he would ring on the day to let us know what time he was coming. We waited and waited and waited, eventually husband got a text at 8pm saying I will come to you tomorrow. We could have put ourselves out to do it but husband sent back we said only Saturday so you have lost your chance. Woe betide him if when the time comes he turns up at the funeral crying that he misses his dad. We have only seen his 10 year old daughter a handful of times and as for the 2 year old we have lost all hope of ever seeing her.
Even step daughter who sometimes visits on the way back from her mother in law never calls to ask how things are always waits for me to ring. I used to call them my grandchildren and was encouraged to do so but they are now little more than strangers.
All the time we drove down to them every week and bought takeaway or sit down meal for all the children, partners and grandchildren and took them on holiday (destination chosen by them) we were quite popular but as soon as husband was unable to travel they stopped bothering. Most of the time I have to force myself not to think about it or it would drive me crazy.
I have often thought that if I was told he only had a short time left I might keep it to myself till it is too late for them to get here, if they can't be bothered now why should I give up my last precious hours with him. At one point I thought I might lose him during lockdown and was quite pleased by the thought I would have very good reason not to invite them to the funeral.
After their distance over the past 8 years I will probably be quite selfish about funeral etc. We were planning to go to our hometown which is much nearer his family for our funerals but we decided a long time ago everything would be at the convenience of the person left behind. My family are even worse so can't be bothered with them at all.
He lives about 3 hours drive away. Last year he and some friends were staying 20 minutes drive from us. He asked a couple of weeks before if he could come and visit, I didn't really want him to but was determined not to do anything to come between them. Husband told him we can only do the Saturday, he agreed that he would ring on the day to let us know what time he was coming. We waited and waited and waited, eventually husband got a text at 8pm saying I will come to you tomorrow. We could have put ourselves out to do it but husband sent back we said only Saturday so you have lost your chance. Woe betide him if when the time comes he turns up at the funeral crying that he misses his dad. We have only seen his 10 year old daughter a handful of times and as for the 2 year old we have lost all hope of ever seeing her.
Even step daughter who sometimes visits on the way back from her mother in law never calls to ask how things are always waits for me to ring. I used to call them my grandchildren and was encouraged to do so but they are now little more than strangers.
All the time we drove down to them every week and bought takeaway or sit down meal for all the children, partners and grandchildren and took them on holiday (destination chosen by them) we were quite popular but as soon as husband was unable to travel they stopped bothering. Most of the time I have to force myself not to think about it or it would drive me crazy.
I have often thought that if I was told he only had a short time left I might keep it to myself till it is too late for them to get here, if they can't be bothered now why should I give up my last precious hours with him. At one point I thought I might lose him during lockdown and was quite pleased by the thought I would have very good reason not to invite them to the funeral.
After their distance over the past 8 years I will probably be quite selfish about funeral etc. We were planning to go to our hometown which is much nearer his family for our funerals but we decided a long time ago everything would be at the convenience of the person left behind. My family are even worse so can't be bothered with them at all.
Think we need to set up online mackerel(or haddock) supplies.co .uk (must be out of date fish - no point in wasting good fish) for this forum's use. xxx
Well said, I don't think there is a crime called assault with a stinky fish. I do remember my husband telling me about a fishing trip when he was young. He was really pleased with himself bringing home 2 black bags full of mackerel only to find that after going all along his road he could only give away 2.
my husband was a travelling fishmonger. you need one at least a week old and bigger the better. not advocating violence but virtual slap would do. liquidised fish to tip over them would be better as it would take ages to get the smell away. eau de fish
I could go on and on about my sibling. I looked after dad for almost 3 years every day, driving back and forth four miles every day, brother visited for 10 minutes once a fortnight but not if it was snowing, he couldn't get there then even though he only lived around the corner.
Brother denied that dad had a very obvious problem so it was me that got dad diagnosed and on donepezil, it was me who took dad to all his appointments, it was me who spent every spare moment with dad, it was me who had to stop work to look after dad, it was me who who took dad out for days at the seaside, it was me who stayed overnight at dads to have fish and chips and watch tv and it was me who did dads washing, cleaning and shopping. It was me who sorted out dads finances. It was me who visited dad twice a day while he was in hospital for three weeks with pneumonia, delirium, heart attack and stroke and three falls (brother was on holiday) It was me who moved in with dad 24/7 for a year when he came out of hospital . It was me who nursed dad when the cancer caught up with him and it was me who held his hands and said goodbye and all the other important words when he died.
When dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer SIL and brother argued for no treatment, no stent, just morphine patches. I ignored them and dad got his stent and lived another two years.
It was me who made funeral arrangements when dad died just before lockdown and it was me who turned out to be executor (perhaps mum and dad had an inkling) so it was me who sorted out probate which my brother was very pleased about because he wouldn't have to take time off work. It was me who cleared and cleaned dads bungalow.
It was my brother who after taking a good look at dads empty bungalow decided it would be perfect for him and the SIL. I don't think he had given it a second look before, after all he had never spent more than 10 minutes in there once every couple of weeks. It was my SIL who took it upon herself to get dads bungalow valued because they wanted to buy it and couldn't wait, I put a stop to that and sorted it out myself. They moved in as quick as they could, paid me off and I think they still live there.
I was taken for a complete mug but I would do it again because it was dad and he was a lovely dad and deserved the best. I still cannot understand my brothers actions because my dad was very good to him and the SIL My brother could not say the word 'dad' without adding in the word 'money' and dad deserved better than that. I blame the SIL the most because she has always been very self important and very greedy but my brother allowed that so he is as bad.
Brother denied that dad had a very obvious problem so it was me that got dad diagnosed and on donepezil, it was me who took dad to all his appointments, it was me who spent every spare moment with dad, it was me who had to stop work to look after dad, it was me who who took dad out for days at the seaside, it was me who stayed overnight at dads to have fish and chips and watch tv and it was me who did dads washing, cleaning and shopping. It was me who sorted out dads finances. It was me who visited dad twice a day while he was in hospital for three weeks with pneumonia, delirium, heart attack and stroke and three falls (brother was on holiday) It was me who moved in with dad 24/7 for a year when he came out of hospital . It was me who nursed dad when the cancer caught up with him and it was me who held his hands and said goodbye and all the other important words when he died.
When dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer SIL and brother argued for no treatment, no stent, just morphine patches. I ignored them and dad got his stent and lived another two years.
It was me who made funeral arrangements when dad died just before lockdown and it was me who turned out to be executor (perhaps mum and dad had an inkling) so it was me who sorted out probate which my brother was very pleased about because he wouldn't have to take time off work. It was me who cleared and cleaned dads bungalow.
It was my brother who after taking a good look at dads empty bungalow decided it would be perfect for him and the SIL. I don't think he had given it a second look before, after all he had never spent more than 10 minutes in there once every couple of weeks. It was my SIL who took it upon herself to get dads bungalow valued because they wanted to buy it and couldn't wait, I put a stop to that and sorted it out myself. They moved in as quick as they could, paid me off and I think they still live there.
I was taken for a complete mug but I would do it again because it was dad and he was a lovely dad and deserved the best. I still cannot understand my brothers actions because my dad was very good to him and the SIL My brother could not say the word 'dad' without adding in the word 'money' and dad deserved better than that. I blame the SIL the most because she has always been very self important and very greedy but my brother allowed that so he is as bad.
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I read all these posts and the anger contained in them and there is little I can say that explains why people act the way that do.
Being selfish, greedy, self centred and unkind seems to be the normal for a large percentage of the population. Is it upbringing, social pressure, consumerism, the media and the need to look after number one? I wish I knew.
All I do know is that there are kind, considerate and loving people out there and it’s a tragedy that some families become disfunctional and mean. It has happened within my family so I’m not free from it.
Being selfish, greedy, self centred and unkind seems to be the normal for a large percentage of the population. Is it upbringing, social pressure, consumerism, the media and the need to look after number one? I wish I knew.
All I do know is that there are kind, considerate and loving people out there and it’s a tragedy that some families become disfunctional and mean. It has happened within my family so I’m not free from it.
Oh yes, @Pork Pie lady and @Duggies-girl . I definitely know where you are coming from on this subject.
My late husband’s daughters, who live a 15 min drive away saw him twice in his last 6 months.
When I was eventually in carer meltdown, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
That was when the you know what hit the fan.
Of course, everything was my fault, why hadn’t I asked them to visit. What...Who needs an invitation to visit their sick father. I was never once asked if I was coping or did I need help.
Don’t get me going on their so called eulogy. It was embarrassing. It was like they were just reading from a list of the jobs that he had done and it appeared that his life ended in 1980 when he divorced their mother, because of her infidelity may I add.
We didn’t meet until 1990 so there was never any question of me being the wicked stepmother, quite the opposite, we were always good friends.
On the day of the funeral they didn’t even glance in my direction let alone speak but it didn’t stop them from attending the wake and eating and drinking on my tab.
As all his and my good friends were there to see this behaviour, it was good for me to feel vindicated.
In my case, there was no question of them trying to claim money from me. They knew that our wills were tightly tied up.
I am now estranged from them and have to say that I couldn’t be happier with the situation.
My late husband’s daughters, who live a 15 min drive away saw him twice in his last 6 months.
When I was eventually in carer meltdown, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
That was when the you know what hit the fan.
Of course, everything was my fault, why hadn’t I asked them to visit. What...Who needs an invitation to visit their sick father. I was never once asked if I was coping or did I need help.
Don’t get me going on their so called eulogy. It was embarrassing. It was like they were just reading from a list of the jobs that he had done and it appeared that his life ended in 1980 when he divorced their mother, because of her infidelity may I add.
We didn’t meet until 1990 so there was never any question of me being the wicked stepmother, quite the opposite, we were always good friends.
On the day of the funeral they didn’t even glance in my direction let alone speak but it didn’t stop them from attending the wake and eating and drinking on my tab.
As all his and my good friends were there to see this behaviour, it was good for me to feel vindicated.
In my case, there was no question of them trying to claim money from me. They knew that our wills were tightly tied up.
I am now estranged from them and have to say that I couldn’t be happier with the situation.
I am fortunate that I do not have this problem. Step daughters, grandchildren, brother in law and cousins do visit when they can. As do friends of long standing. However, I know it is not as frequent as they would like for many reasons - reasons not excuses. Distance, work commitments, looking after school aged children etc.
I think that sometimes relatives and friends struggle with their feelings. I think that they do not know how to communicate with pwd and I think they are scared. I always let visitors know prior to visiting where we are at. I explain about communication, about silences etc. I also try to suggest some activity eg reading the newspaper together, looking at old photographs.
I think that we are fortunate that family do make time to visit. It is not as often as any of us would like but it is always done with positivity and love.
Wouldn’t it be satisfying to get them to gather round at the time and say what you felt and tell them all to shove off. After all if you’re estranged then nothing is lost. In a perfect world everyone would be loving, kind, considerate, have empathy and would give off themselves. But the world is not like that ….I wish it was.
How awful for you and your late husband. It is almost impossible to understand why people do this but sadly it seems to be common.
You can hold your head up, as can others who have written on this thread. You have shown tremendous resilience and cared for your pwd with love and respect. A shame that others did not show you the same.
I hope that you have been able to move on, find yourself again and begin to enjoy life. It’s what you deserve.
I can't explain it either but we had the same parents and the same upbringing so I would expect the same values. Sadly my brother was always the golden boy when we were youngsters but his true colours showed through at the end. It's very sad and I am glad that my mum was no longer around to see the extent of their greed and lack of compassion when dad was ill and yes it did leave me very angry. I am trying to shake it off but it is hard.
But isn't that just making excuses for them? We have those same feelings but we get on with what needs doing. We don't run away.
I'd like to say my brother was a sensitive little thing who simply couldn't cope with the distress of seeing his mother with dementia. But it isn't true. He was mean, lazy, selfish, arrogant, deliberately difficult and unhelpful and he lied a lot. I'd add more but he doesn't deserve the space.
