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****** siblings who do nothing to help

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
8,002
0
Essex
My brother chose the pub which was an appropriate setting as it was by the river that dad had worked upon for many years but that is not why he chose it, he chose it because that is where he and his wife like to stuff their faces two or three times a week and we would get a good deal from the landlady..:rolleyes:
Like @Jaded'n'faded your brother also takes my breath away @Duggies-girl.

MaNaAk
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
332
0
Same here. Brother managed 3 visits to mum in 3 years while I went every week, twice a week in the first year, plus all the hospital visits, phone calls and sorting out everything for her.

For ages I tried to understand what was going on with him, why he couldn't make an effort, why he was still in denial even when mum was raving in the care home, attacking people and smashing furniture. I made excuses for him, told myself he was doing his best., etc, etc. Gradually I realised I'd always made excuses for his bad behaviour and that this was just the real him. Just as dementia brought out the worst in my mum, her illness seemed to bring out the worst in my brother too. How bad? Example: when mum died, the funeral was only going to be a very small affair - just a few people and we decided to go for a pub meal afterwards at a place mum liked to go - it seemed fitting. He phoned me a week before and said we should cancel the meal because he wanted to drive directly to mum's solicitor instead, to get hold of her will and paperwork. He needed me to come too to sign some papers and it would be better this way as he didn't want to have to come 'all this way' again and take another day off work. I told him to get stuffed (didn't put it quite as politely as that) and the funeral went ahead as planned in the end. But he was really annoyed with me for causing him 'extra work'... What a charmer.

In the end, no matter. We've never been close, never liked each other. Mum has been dead nearly 3 years and brother and I only exchange a couple of emails per year now. He was/is unfixable.
"Get stuffed" - I like that Jaded'n'Faded......for me to say and the rest of the army of people here who have been putting up with invisible nasties. x
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,716
0
Southampton
You know, I’ve tried to work out why the invisibility happens with family members.

Did they not love in the first place? Is the responsibility too much in today’s frantic world? Are they just shallow and too selfish? Is it easier to place a bubble round you to keep out the “ nasty” world. Or are we, as a society, incapable of empathy even towards our closest family.

I think when push comes to shove it’s easier to remain away from it all and that way we can remain emotionally immature and take no responsibility.
to be honest i wouldnt care for my dad at all although i did help with my mum. simple truth is i wouldnt be safe on my own with my dad plain and simple so some invisibles do have a very good cause like me for going nowhere near a person that is not safe to be with. others just dont care until money starts to get talked about. i wont be one of them. my sister is welcome to all of it. i want absolutely nothing.
 

blueorchid

Registered User
Feb 18, 2016
85
0
Ah hello. Yes, I'm in this club too. I think my sibling will regret having no contact but that's not my problem. I've too much else to worry about. However, my eyes will be rolling if there are tears at my mother's funeral.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
431
0
I think, when it comes down to it, the world could be better if we concentrated less on self and more on others. You’ll never “find” yourself by doing just that but you’ll improve as a person by giving of yourself to another.

Unfortunately you only find this out by doing it. Our society doesn’t encourage this even if there are many instances of kindness and compassion in the media. That the tip of the iceberg. What’s below the waterline is selfishness, apathy and just disinterest.
That's very true. I realised too late what people meant when they said caring for someone you love is a privilege.
 

try again

Registered User
Jun 21, 2018
511
0
It's not so much the Gaul of ignoring my mother, it's the disrespect to me
Ok she doesn't live locally but when I was really bad with carer breakdown and said I needed a break there was no offer to do the caring for a week so I could get respite. Not that a week would have resolved anything for me but the sheer thoughtlessness is staggering.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
706
0
I could write a book about the golden child who to be fair does visit HIS mother twice a week (she's mine as well but you would never know it) but expects to be lauded for doing so. He is so wrapped in his own little world nothing gets through to him. I could go on but haven't enough room :rolleyes:
 

Mahonia

Registered User
Apr 17, 2017
5
0
My goldenboy brother has just sent me a solicitors letter saying they have reason to believe that I've not acted in Mum's best interests. In other words, happy to see me get a criminal conviction. Fed up with his meanness with paying for care, I applied for deputyship (hes also got a dodgy tax record). Right now I'm staying with her, just been up to lift her onto the commode and reassure her after we spent the day in hospital with a suspected broken wrist, hubby put up rails that I've asked golden boy to put up for months if not years. She can hardly walk due to no physio (too expensive). At a best interests meeting recently, the hospital said she should live on ground floor but he refused to evict lodgers. Lodger was stroppy that she used the downstairs loo after hospital visit today. He's cut the once daily carer down as I'm staying. He's never spent an overnight with her, shes stayed with my family, in my daughters room for weeks or I've stayed with her for weeks. Shes 94 and living 4 flights up. Despite all this, hes still goldenboy !!! ******

PS. When he visits, maybe monthly, with his family they get a nice big takeaway and give her some. Or he does the walk up the road or church do, so the neighbours can see what a golden boy he is. Meanwhile I'm clearing some space among the debris that's collected over the years, cleaning the patio, doing the garden, getting rid of moth eaten clothes, things that go with owning 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms when you can't throw things away. And we're living in a tiny house with 2 adult kids and no ground floor bathroom, which is why she can't stay with us. But I can't hate him as he's all I've got and I know he's being controlled by his neurotic wife.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,355
0
But I can't hate him as he's all I've got and I know he's being controlled by his neurotic wife.
Sounds familiar too me. I actually feel a bit sorry for my brother as I think he probably has a lot to put up with but that is no excuse really.
 

Mahonia

Registered User
Apr 17, 2017
5
0
Sounds familiar too me. I actually feel a bit sorry for my brother as I think he probably has a lot to put up with but that is no excuse really.
The solicitors letter was probably directed by her. It made no sense, the way it was worded sounded like even the solicitor was reluctant to send it.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
My brother and I are both in our mid thirties. I live a five-hour drive away from my closest family and visit as often as I can, which is not as often as I'd like but I do also work full time. My brother works part-time and lives a ten minute walk from the care home where dad has been for three years and has never set foot in it. He sometimes leaves a card on the doorstep for christmas/birthdays. Rings the bell, and scarpers. He did the same to my mum for mother's day once, she heard the doorbell then watched him run down the road (he doesn't have a good relationship with either of them, in case you can't tell). Before moving to the care home Dad was suspected to have sepsis, so my dad's GP rang him and asked nicely if he could pick up a prescription, he said no. Then the Dr told him the risks of not getting medication into someone with sepsis and he refused again saying he had 'done enough'. Dr was less than impressed.
I fretted about it then had a conversation with him to say Dad doesn't have much time left so think carefully about the choices you make now. Then I considered my duty done.
Now when the family ask politely how my dad is, he tells them a story or an update about dad which I have told him. I find it infuriating. He's told the rest of the family that it's dad who refuses to see him, but that's not the story the home tell me. When backed into a corner, my brother lies rather than face situations or admit the truth.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,824
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Oh dear. From what you say you have an almost insurmountable problem with your brother. When it’s so entrenched as this it’s very difficult to know what to do or what to say.
You need support and someone to share the coping. You matter greatly because without you everything else suffers. Explain this to your brother.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,414
0
High Peak
I used to want to slap dear bro around the face with a large wet haddock, such was my exasperation.

That image comes into my mind whenever I think of him now and is both pleasing and comforting :)
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,473
0
Yorkshire
The solicitors letter was probably directed by her. It made no sense, the way it was worded sounded like even the solicitor was reluctant to send it.
Are you sure the letter actually was from a solicitor ... a legal communication has to be carefully worded
 

Xhanlbxx

Registered User
Aug 31, 2019
47
0
Yes so relatable ! I feel like there is always this dynamic in a family - my current situation is I’m single not got a family so I feel that my brother just sees this as I should provide the most support to my mom who is living with my dad with late stage Alzheimer’s at the age of 60. No age for anyone to go through ! I love being with my mom and dad and making memories but sometimes I do wonder why siblings perceive us as people who don’t deserve time .

I just think to myself though that yes it is hard more emotionally than physically but I will look back on this and take pride in my strength and what I have done for my parents
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
332
0
I used to want to slap dear bro around the face with a large wet haddock, such was my exasperation.

That image comes into my mind whenever I think of him now and is both pleasing and comforting :)
You make me laugh....and you are giving me ideas!!
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
706
0
I used to want to slap dear bro around the face with a large wet haddock, such was my exasperation.

That image comes into my mind whenever I think of him now and is both pleasing and comforting :)
I always say a wet mackeral, but haddock will do just as well 🤣
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
431
0
I just think to myself though that yes it is hard more emotionally than physically but I will look back on this and take pride in my strength and what I have done for my parents
Yes, you will. You should be proud of yourself, you're bringing comfort to your vulnerable parents whether they are able to acknowledge it or not, they will feel it and feel safe with you.

I'm the only child-free one in my family (a waste of a life according to BIL🙄), I know what it's like.