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****** siblings who do nothing to help

Buckles

Registered User
Oct 4, 2020
45
0
Does anyone else have a sibling who does nothing to help and needs to be constantly nagged to even visit?
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,962
0
Essex
Does anyone else have a sibling who does nothing to help and needs to be constantly nagged to even visit?
We call them invisibles here and expect by the morning you'll get plenty of replies. In my experience they will take more interest when money becomes involved. I was reminded about how much work my siblings have to do.

MaNaAk

PS: I found caring for dad fulfilling but on a bad day when I couldn't get my diabetic dad to eat I became rather lonely.
 

Roman223

Registered User
Dec 29, 2020
262
0
Does anyone else have a sibling who does nothing to help and needs to be constantly nagged to even visit?
omg: Buckles!!! I've just read your post and had to reply. Don't start me off with siblings .....!! My sister is no help with my mum. Never has been & never will be. She likes to give orders at times but does nothing! I have literally wanted to tear my hair out because I have got so frustrated, mad, depressed because I have been the one to get the brunt of things and deal with every issue solely whether I'm in good health or not. It is a real shame we can't swear on here otherwise I think all your replies would have a few words or so. Thank you for starting this.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,348
0
@Buckles welcome to the lone carer club, lots of us have been members. I am guessing that your sibling is a pretty important person and has a busy life. My sibling was always busy and of course he did work. So did I once but it soon went out of the window when dad became ill.

I could go on and on about the selfishness, self importance and sheer greed of my sibling but I have done that many a time so instead I would advise you to stop worrying about your sibling because they won't change, they probably don't even care and you are probably wasting valuable energy and getting yourself upset and angry while they are not giving you a thought. Instead direct your energy into making your life easier. If you are caring for your parent start thinking of how you can make things better for you. If you are not caring and are just really annoyed at the thoughtlessness of your sibling then try to put it to one side because it is you that is being hurt by it and your sibling really doesn't care. Look after yourself somehow.

I wish someone had told me this right at the start because I was very angry with my sibling for a long long time and in truth I still am and it will eat away at you if you let it.

I no longer see my sibling and don't expect to. I don't miss him or his greedy wife.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,843
0
South coast
Hi @Buckles
Im afraid that it is almost the norm on here that one person ends up doing the caring and the rest of the family either just lets them get on with it, or else criticises and interferes without actually doing anything to help.

The best thing is to accept that you arent going to change them. Trying to make them help, or even visit, is a waste of time and just ends up with you feeling angry and resentful, which just eats away at you. When you need further help get in charity/professional help - they are much more reliable.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,823
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Does anyone else have a sibling who does nothing to help and needs to be constantly nagged to even visit?
Not only siblings but children as well.
“Oh dear I’m sooo busy. Mums ok now and won’t recognise me anyway so why should I bother” etc, etc.
So we’re left to do it all ourselves and, although it grates on our mind and we feel upset, really, we need to direct our thoughts away from this and try to let it go. You can’t change anyone by “having a go” or reasoning, but you can congratulate yourself for being the one who does the loving care and remind yourself that you are a very special person.😄❤️
 

Snuffette

Registered User
Jan 11, 2021
135
0
My sister hasn't even phoned for 5 years. As soon as mum needed help - this was 3 years before she went into care and had her dementia confirmed, she basically fell off the end of the earth. What made and makes it worse is that I was very close to my older sister, the last message from her over 5 years ago was "I'm busy with work and don't have the time". She has never been to see her or phone mum or me in all this time. Unfortunately you somehow just have to let it go and find support from elsewhere - this group is excellent.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,962
0
Essex
I agree with @Snuffette and @Duggies-girl it's best to let it go and in my case I was glad to have both Power Of Attorneys especially the Finance because my eldest invisible wanted dad to try and change it as soon as he went into the care home. Dad had lost capacity at that point and wasn't able to change it anyway.

MaNaAk

PS: You will probably get many more responses.
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
328
0
Oh ditto, ditto, ditto! My brother is not only invisible but also critical when he gets half a chance. I used to try to involve him but he just ended up messing things(or me) up. When he is away for 3 months at a time, which he is doing more and more, I realise that there is no point in trying to communicate with him...and life is easier, Mum is calmer and seems to put him out of her mind the less she sees him. The trouble only starts when he comes home again. Although I didn't want the role of sole family carer it is easier than being the main family carer with a nasty overseer. I am getting on with it and getting used to it....as much as you can under the circumstances. It is better without him.
 

Dunroamin

Registered User
May 5, 2019
279
0
UK
Nothing to do with this thread but someone told me decades ago to 'only worry about the things you can change. Anything else is a waste of time and energy.'

Ii would seem a sound strategy for your (and that of many others) sibling situation.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,823
0
74
Devon, Totnes
You know, I’ve tried to work out why the invisibility happens with family members.

Did they not love in the first place? Is the responsibility too much in today’s frantic world? Are they just shallow and too selfish? Is it easier to place a bubble round you to keep out the “ nasty” world. Or are we, as a society, incapable of empathy even towards our closest family.

I think when push comes to shove it’s easier to remain away from it all and that way we can remain emotionally immature and take no responsibility.
 

Buckles

Registered User
Oct 4, 2020
45
0
This seems to have hit a raw nerve! And i needed to hear this - thanks for all the replies.


Both our parents have early onset AD and we are now both in our late 30s. My (big) brother has 10x the amount of leave I do, doesn't have a demanding job and thinks planning endless holidays with his 6+months off per year is more important than visiting his parents more regularly than 7-8 monthly.

He does this in spite of the the endless and inevitable cycles of ill health/ falls/ care catastrophes that happen and he has done for the last 5 years. In that time, Ive spent my life savings, given up a PhD, spent endless hours a day organising every aspect of their life and care, changed pads, dealt with the rage (a real issue when your dad is young and 6ft4), dealt with the psychosis (a real problem when your mum then winds up your angry dad about the "children in the garage") and been to the point of breaking down and rocking in the street when I was meant to be walking my dog.

He still does nothing, and just ignores me when I chase him - full on does not reply, from his flat in Portugal and his roadtrips across Europe/States - because he is 'focusing on himself'.

He even said to my partner (who actually takes turns with me to care for HIS/our parents because otherwise I have no support) in the throws of the early madness when things were really challenging - "out of sight, out of mind".
 
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Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,823
0
74
Devon, Totnes
I think, when it comes down to it, the world could be better if we concentrated less on self and more on others. You’ll never “find” yourself by doing just that but you’ll improve as a person by giving of yourself to another.

Unfortunately you only find this out by doing it. Our society doesn’t encourage this even if there are many instances of kindness and compassion in the media. That the tip of the iceberg. What’s below the waterline is selfishness, apathy and just disinterest.
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
328
0
This seems to have hit a raw nerve! And i needed to hear this - thanks for all the replies.


Both our parents have early onset AD and we are now both in our late 30s. My (big) brother has 10x the amount of leave I do, doesn't have a demanding job and thinks planning endless holidays with his 6+months off per year is more important than visiting his parents more regularly than 7-8 monthly.

He does this in spite of the the endless and inevitable cycles of ill health/ falls/ care catastrophes that happen and he has done for the last 5 years. In that time, Ive spent my life savings, given up a PhD, spent endless hours a day organising every aspect of their life and care, changed pads, dealt with the rage (a real issue when your dad is young and 6ft4), dealt with the psychosis (a real problem when your mum then winds up your angry dad about the "children in the garage") and been to the point of breaking down and rocking in the street when I was meant to be walking my dog.

He still does nothing, and just ignores me when I chase him - full on does not reply, from his flat in Portugal and his roadtrips across Europe/States - because he is 'focusing on himself'.

He even said to my partner (who actually takes turns with me to care for HIS/our parents because otherwise I have no support) in the throws of the early madness when things were really challenging - "out of sight, out of mind".
Wow - you have it tough - because you are so young. I am in my 60s and I suppose some of what I deal with is "to be expected" - doesn't make anything any easier though - especially as one's own health issues are exacerbating how you can cope. I do my best but there have been times which have felt like burn out- during which time I have had to step back, rethink, increase the carers coming in, think of a working strategy. For me I have to keep establishing some sort of boundaries or I would "go under" and I would just keep giving. You have to try to look after yourself or you can't give to others. It is no good pretending to yourself that you are coping or telling yourself you "should" be doing something. You have to look to yourself and then offer the best you can to the person or people for whom you are caring - and that is so different to looking to yourself and then deciding (and maybe they even do it subconsciously?) that keeping on escaping is the best thing to do. xxx
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,399
0
High Peak
Same here. Brother managed 3 visits to mum in 3 years while I went every week, twice a week in the first year, plus all the hospital visits, phone calls and sorting out everything for her.

For ages I tried to understand what was going on with him, why he couldn't make an effort, why he was still in denial even when mum was raving in the care home, attacking people and smashing furniture. I made excuses for him, told myself he was doing his best., etc, etc. Gradually I realised I'd always made excuses for his bad behaviour and that this was just the real him. Just as dementia brought out the worst in my mum, her illness seemed to bring out the worst in my brother too. How bad? Example: when mum died, the funeral was only going to be a very small affair - just a few people and we decided to go for a pub meal afterwards at a place mum liked to go - it seemed fitting. He phoned me a week before and said we should cancel the meal because he wanted to drive directly to mum's solicitor instead, to get hold of her will and paperwork. He needed me to come too to sign some papers and it would be better this way as he didn't want to have to come 'all this way' again and take another day off work. I told him to get stuffed (didn't put it quite as politely as that) and the funeral went ahead as planned in the end. But he was really annoyed with me for causing him 'extra work'... What a charmer.

In the end, no matter. We've never been close, never liked each other. Mum has been dead nearly 3 years and brother and I only exchange a couple of emails per year now. He was/is unfixable.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,348
0
@Jaded'n'faded Oh yes, get hold of the will and paperwork, that's typical. The first date available for dads funeral was a Friday. My brother looked at his diary and said he couldn't do that day as he was working and as he had managed to get all the way through dads illness without ever having to take a day off work, he didn't see why he should take a day off for the funeral so we had the funeral on the Monday after instead. I on the other hand had taken three years off work.

I used to get on really well with my brother until the day he met his wife, he then morphed into a self-important pretentious prat and has remained so until this day. It's rather sad because my parents were lovely and deserved much better from "the golden child"

I don't see them anymore and unfixable is a good description.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,348
0
My brother must have gone on the same training course... 😁
My brother chose the pub which was an appropriate setting as it was by the river that dad had worked upon for many years but that is not why he chose it, he chose it because that is where he and his wife like to stuff their faces two or three times a week and we would get a good deal from the landlady..:rolleyes:
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,962
0
Essex
Same here. Brother managed 3 visits to mum in 3 years while I went every week, twice a week in the first year, plus all the hospital visits, phone calls and sorting out everything for her.

For ages I tried to understand what was going on with him, why he couldn't make an effort, why he was still in denial even when mum was raving in the care home, attacking people and smashing furniture. I made excuses for him, told myself he was doing his best., etc, etc. Gradually I realised I'd always made excuses for his bad behaviour and that this was just the real him. Just as dementia brought out the worst in my mum, her illness seemed to bring out the worst in my brother too. How bad? Example: when mum died, the funeral was only going to be a very small affair - just a few people and we decided to go for a pub meal afterwards at a place mum liked to go - it seemed fitting. He phoned me a week before and said we should cancel the meal because he wanted to drive directly to mum's solicitor instead, to get hold of her will and paperwork. He needed me to come too to sign some papers and it would be better this way as he didn't want to have to come 'all this way' again and take another day off work. I told him to get stuffed (didn't put it quite as politely as that) and the funeral went ahead as planned in the end. But he was really annoyed with me for causing him 'extra work'... What a charmer.

In the end, no matter. We've never been close, never liked each other. Mum has been dead nearly 3 years and brother and I only exchange a couple of emails per year now. He was/is unfixable.
Dear @Jaded'n'faded,

Your brother takes my breath away. I thought it was bad enough with my brother asking about the house a week after dad's funeral!

MaNaAk